The Library

two recent interactions have been so enjoyable

here at the library

a stranger, then an acquaintance so profoundly impressed with my


as it goes

working at this front desk reminds me of how

many people get excited to see me

their faces light up like light bulbs having their

lamp shades torn off

their jolt like an old photographer's flash

I feel shame

that when I'm wanting to end


like I so often do

that I think about these people and it isn't

enough to bring me back to my shrill patch of sanity

how greedy

must my past be to indulge in smothering my future

until the past is all that is left

of me

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They want you to have it all figured out.

Even the wind does not

That is why it sometimes sways.

Depict me being pushed back and forth.

The mind is the greatest weapon.

It can be used against oneself.

It is like building an army just to have them turn on you.

She helps my foundation stay strong.

But as a human I am constantly tempted.

You seem to have it all found out.

Tell me how you do it.

How do you build a kingdom out of a shack?

A wife out of a woman?

How do you get someone to love you?

You never really know what is on a person’s mind.

Do you really need that security?

The mind takes that insecurity and tortures you.

A leaf in the wind.

A house in a tornado.

Water in a hurricane.

Do I need to say more?

Security is stability.

Security is truly never stable.

Only security in God.

We even doubt that sometimes.

We sway.

From time to time.



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I've been feeling quite empty these past few nights

Finding myself just laying in bed watching the clock take my time

In life, shouldn't there be more?

Is there something out there I should be looking for?


I've begun to develop imaginary friends 

Talking to my crimson walls, and these shadows don't pretend 

I find that if I close my eyes 

I can see the beauty they describe 


But when I open them, I see

All the hate, the lies, the greed

So, for now, I think I'm done trying to cope

For now, I've waved the white flag, given up hope


And don't tell me I don't know shit or I'm insane

You can't understand how I feel, until you've lived inside my brain

It's intolerable, it's fucking pain

A mess I've made, constant re-arranging 


I fucking hate letting go 

But there's no more hands reaching for me to hold

I've never been a quitter, but life shows me no reason to stay

I've been destroyed, inside and out, nothing ever goes my way


So tonight, as I've been writing these words

I've realized life is only going to get  worse

And I find myself closer to this basket of knives 

So I bid farewell to whoever reads this, tonight I take my life 






"The Cancer In Me"

I hate cancer. And not because it kills 

But because it fucks with me! Being a cancer is worse, you wouldn't know how It feels

It's a slow, poisonous venom sinking it's teeth inside my veins

It makes me upset people in the worst ways, making them experience pain


And I hate hurting you babe, I hate that you hurt me 2

I can't stand the chaos I make, can't stand the thought of you

Crying, alone, in your room what's fucking wrong with me?

It's a sickness, I can't control it, it's the devil that becomes me


And sometimes I shed a tear or two, of anger though I bleed

I grin whenever I write these words, I hate, glad you can't see

I'm sorry that I make you sad, I'm sorry that you've hurt me so bad

But fighting through this, we will rise 

And well be together until we die

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Who Am I?

I am a shadow, long gone
I am forgotten, disappointments spawn
I am the weeping, in nights silent hour
From society, who savors the sour
I am the dark, stuck within my fears
I am denied, to them and all who hears
I was a dreamer, now hiding within my sleep
From the all of the promises that I can not keep
I am a shadow, long gone

I loved, and I loved you well.
Even after you challenge me hell
I remember, she parted us, you and I
She kissed your cracks, promising you lies
She left you broken, by the dead
But me, I wanted you by my side, to cherish instead

Author's Notes/Comments: 

An old class assignment I digged up.

It was supposed to be more simple and straightforward.

But I remember, I couldn't help myself from twisting it up


Which results with this


Enter My Fear

All of the welcoming emotion suddenly dies.
and the darkness shrouds the land in only misery's cries.


Enter grief!
A timeless ocean. 
Trapped of despair, trapped without relief
Enter the moon!
Endless racing of the thoughts.
Including you alone, trapped dead inside an empty room

The dead is holding you stiff once more!
Staring into your eyes, never have you felt so gone before

The time comes again, to pit against all that is you
Will you ever find the part of you that is actually true?

Paint the sky bleak
Consider everything we cannot speak

The one painting with the sun I painted as a child is lost.
Reality has broken the barrier, this is the ultimate cost


I Walk An Endless Road

I walk endless an road

locked into a heavy load

Of these questions and fears

Gripping from it's unreasonable tears


As a car roars by

I look dead into it's light

Wondering where it leads

But just like that it's gone

just like another day

As I wake up to the sun's harsh light


I try not to look back

As I attempt to fill this crack

Of this hurt and wonder

Unstoppable, a storm of rain and thunder


As a car roars by

I look dead into it's light

Wondering where it leads

But just like that it's gone

just like another night

As I stay up to the moon's hypnotic might

All Hope Is Lost

All hope is lost

Gone forever and a day

There is nothing to be said now

There is nothing left to say


All hope is lost

Buried beneath a grave

All is dead and gone now

There is no one here to save


All hope is lost...








the sad wimpish one 


he covers his body with blood


hoping someone will notice


just how ugly he is



he wants to be noticed


for the great person he truly is


but has no time to notice


that no one notices


anything anymore



and life goes on


and he stays sad


dying to live


and crying to die



never having the balls


to ask himself why



2:39 AM 7/6/2013




Author's Notes/Comments: 

inspired by the signs of the times, and those who are having a hard time enjoying life on life's terms.