Hopelessness

frostbite

Folder: 
2021

on the back of his Vespa

he keeps me on a string

choking is better than crying all the time

so fuck it at least I’m trying

 

he can say he wants to give me the world

before he’s even seen half of it

trust is something

I will give you without second guessing

I don’t think I heard my heart screaming

 

I want a new spring with every human

but I keep turning back and

I have left a trail of

fucking frost again

I have spiderwebbed the ground under our feet

 

I can’t help but hold it in my fingers

and end every day with frostbite

I have not found my April

 

I leave sunflowers everywhere

and lose them all so fucking fast

there comes a point where

planting is just a way

to get through to the next disappointment

 

there comes a day when

I have to face it

maybe I am just

all

winter

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/8/21

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Never Give Up

These words I write cannot contain

The anger, the guilt, nor the pain

Of losing someone you hold most dear

 

You went to her house for advice

You just complained, yelled and got frustrated

But she just listened, hearing every word

And now she's gone, gone, gone

 

You think about her constantly

She never leaves your heart, mind, or soul

Her advice was always solid

Her words blunt and meaningful

But now you can't hear them

She is just gone, gone, gone

 

We move on, hoping to hear her call our name

But she can't anymore

We hope to feel her grasp

But she is out of reach

 

Just remember where she resides now

In the darkest part of your heart

Waiting for you to ask again

When you find the words

When you heal

 

She's not here

She's not there

But she is everywhere

She. Is. Home.

She. Is. Happy.

She. Is. Always. Watching.

Waiting

Hoping

 

Always loving was her speech

She told you how it was out of love

She was there when you were a baby

She was there your whole life

 

NOW HOLD HER CLOSE AS YOU SAY GOODBYE FOR THE LAST TIME!!

YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!!

THE PHOTOS DO HER NO JUSTICE!!

DON'T SHED TEARS FOR HER!!!

REMEMBER HER!!

 

The death of a loved one

Is an unending sadness

But never give up

They will watch you

Help you

Save you

Never give up!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I lost my aunt in July. Sorry it took so long Tarolyn!! I love you

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The Prince of Darkness Faces His Executioner

Are you ready for it?

I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.

It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.

Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.

If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.


I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?

I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.

Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.

If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?

If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,

don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”

Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?

Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.

So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.


Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?

Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?

These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority

for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.

You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.

What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.

I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.


Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?

Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me

And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.

But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.

The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.

My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.

Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.

Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.

If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.


Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.

I’ll see you in Hell.

What Am I To Make (Of Who I Am?)

What am I to make of who I am?
I can't blame tomorrow for yesterday
Here I am, already fingering blame
Convicting something that has yet to happen

 

I'm charging the hands of time
That has still to be announced
With a list of thought crimes
Of having cursed us, having lied
From us, having stolen itself
Telling us we had more than was left

 

I'm charging the hands of time
With a list of thought crimes
I'm locking the future up
With those that I never forgave

 

What am I to make of who I am?
If I can only become this man
Here I am, all ready to ruin the day
Guaranteeing agar agar for Misery to breed

 

In rage,
I've kidnapped the charms of life
Blindly,
Somehow, I've ended up
With a knife in my hand
The knife to it's neck
Tomorrow's pleading eyes
Snapping me out of it
I was about to kill a kid
Because he could become a Hitler

 

I'm charging the hands of time
That has still to be announced
With a list of thought crimes
Of having cursed us, having lied
From us, having stolen itself
Telling us we had more than was left

 

I'm charging the hands of time
With a list of thought crimes
I'm locking the future up
With those that I never forgave

 

I'm sorry, Tomorrow
Forgive me, today
I should have forgiven you
Yesterday

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Looking down a road to bypass..

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take my hand

Take my Hand

By JFarrell

 

Take my hand,

And I’ll help you as far as I can;

I can’t carry you,

But, maybe,

If you walk in my footprints,

It will ease your journey.

 

Yes,

It does look like a long journey,

But you are not alone;

Here,

Take my arm,

Take the support you need.

 

I know,

You look around

And see no-one.

I know,

You feel so alone.

But I am here

Here to help you.

 

Take my hand,

I will catch you if you fall;

I will right you if you stumble;

I will be beside you, always;

So,

Take my hand.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

alone is a lonely place

A Little More Till No More

Folder: 
Fire

A little more

 

To fill the pit

 

All dark

 

Lately bottomless

 

With each day

 

It widens

 

It deepens

 

Not sure how a bottomless pit looses bottom but this one does

 

A little more

 

To fill the pit

 

That little more

 

Sets it to Widen

 

To deepen

 

Pitched soul

 

Empty bottomless pit

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The Void

Into the howling dark I go.

Following a broken and lonesome road.

As I travelled on

I reached a ledge.

Down I look, only to see

the Void.

 

The Void was limitless.

Without a beginning or an end.

It called out to me

In the strangest of ways.

I edge closer

to get a better look.

And what did I see?

An image of all my shattered memories

and broken dreams.

 

The Void called out yet again.

And my mind starts to spin 

as the torrent of despair starts coming in.

Slowly at first

But intensifying in it's speed.

The waves of hopelessness 

closing in, crushing me.

 

I try and turn back the way I came.

Just to find that the road has disappeared.

Disbelief and shock are what I first felt.

Then slowly, I realized that all along I've been here.

 

No going back now.

So I do only what's left.

I step into the Void.

Falling beneath it's calm surface.

Never to return again.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was written when I was going through a hard fought battle with depression. The Void was my depression and it seemed for so long there was no escape from it, that in fact it was so powerful. That I should embrace it. 

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Desperate

Folder: 
2016

Drowning in empty rooms

pulling at nonexistent

strings hanging from my clothes

 

Ripples in the sea of calmness

around me, even

when everyone’s sleeping

 

Desperate,

I sneak out to meet the madman,

pick the slivers from the sky

and gift them in a basket to him

 

I shouldn’t have been hopeful

Grinning, he pours nothingness

right into my hands.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 4/10/16

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Quiet

I tried to scribble my confessions on a piece of loose leaf

Last night

But I couldn't help to feel its insignificance

It's muted nature

My soul barking into a muzzle

Like a dog in a kennel

About to be put down

Shocking how quiet our lives

Can be

Churning with silent force like a windmill

But no one ever sees the electricity in our struggle

I thought about calling you but that felt

Just the same

I put the book down and excused myself

For another cigarette

I saw flashes of darker days

Hollow gazing into that thunderous bay

All of their compliments became lies once again

Her playful glances become intrusive advances

Im paralyzed in a dream

Locked in insanity