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If Tomorrow I Dont See!            02/23/20
             

one day while i was sitting around and thinking about you all
The thought had crossed my mind when my number God would call
When memories of your childhood flashed thru my mind to me
and i was thinking i didnt say enough if tomorrow i dont see
then i thought about the day you was born and smiled from ear to ear
i watched you sleep those first few days afraid you'd disappear
thru the rough times i spent on my knees praying for God to set us free
once again that thought had crossed my mind if tomorrow i dont see
did i help you accomplish all your dreams and keep you safe till i depart
have i said enough thru out your life so you'll know whats in my heart
then my fathers words came back to me and they have set me free
he simply said remember i will always love you if tomorrow i dont see!
zoeycup

Can it be real

or am I just fooling myself?  

To believe that your love for me

Has not been put on a shelf

Packed away and discarded

Like an old photo or toy

Your pure and unconditional love

Like when you were a boy  

Innocent and sweet

You held me in your heart

But now the years and life’s challenges

Have torn us apart

You have chosen a path

That is rocky and tough

And my guidance and attempts to divert you

 Have not been enough

You ran from youth fast

Confused and unsure

Towards the deceitful blinding light

Of adulthoods allure

As I stand here and watch you stumble

Like when you took your first steps

But now unable to help or reach out to you

Now that you’ve fallen into the depts

But my hand will always be within reach for you

And my heart open wide

To take hold of either

If you should ever decide

I wish you only happiness

And pray you will find

All the things you’ll need in your life

To replace what you’ve left behind

I will say goodbye to you

But only for now

Because I know you will find your way back to me

Someday or somehow

as silence leave its place 

hatred took guarantee

leaving all memories behind 

thou couldn't see anything

tears roll down from everybody's eyes 

without noise at various intensity

heart filled so high

hatred took guarantee

still, she wanted to stop this race

caring was always there

love or war

whichever in the way

as heart poured out

calling your name

hatred in ones heart

took its place

the whole night was so big, so scary

seems like darkness worked its part

took light from our soul

put darkness in our heart

tears roll down 

without any noise 

how come thou couldn't hear anything

All alone with the voices inside of my head. ill put my pride to the side and write it out the rest. 

I hate how cancer kills the one you love and not the one you hate instead. 

it puts you through so much pain, id rather see hell, face my demons and be better off dead then to see another loved one go through that again. 

Your body is eating you from the inside out and theres nothing you can do cry and take pain meds. 

losing hair and weight at a fast scaling rate. worry and confusion, i swear this all feels like an illuision. 

sitting alone in my room every night thinking why didnt they take you. (maryanne)

they didnt take the right one, and now its fucking me up in the head.

trying to sort this shit out like why god?

why take not her instead.. 

take the crackhead.

not someones mother, a family friend.

but you cant pick and choose

so let me cry and lay in my bed. Wishing i can see you again and tell you all the things i never said. 

see your face and tell you that i love you, and thank you again.

youre in a better place, with danny. so atleast youre happy. 

im sorry for the pain this shit has put you thru. its a cold world, but atleast i got to know you.

I cry for you Argentina

hectic planet’s southern corner

land of passion, crazy arena

aforetime our bonds were stronger.

No longer yours, you never mine

our lives belonged together once

I used to taste your scarlet wine,

your gorgeous girls, your charming dance.

The friends from ages, forgotten stories

so much privation, my heart is sore

my aging parents, the elder brothers

your call is clear I shall wait no more.

Exultant hugs, reunion is great

my parent’s sanctuary regaining life

but there is an end, a settled date

cruel farewell that sticks its knife.

I’ve seen those humid agates before

I've heard how silence can drown the wail

hair-raising feeling on every pore

they'll stand upright, I will be frail.

Oh, childhood playground! my old-time shelter

long time impeded of children laughing

no words no tears, this way is better

my love, my kids, my home are waiting.

That face is never getting old with time.
It still bring me close and you not afar
From time present. Small morning here dreams alone
And love-gate open, for memory to come home.
All things that make you who you are
Gifts and robs the soul at once:
Those blessings giving, and curses retaining
As they were with you,
They are with me here now.
Even death dust cannot touch the evergreen
Of grandchildren their days not yet seen.

I sense myself in a state of unawareness. 

Memories are put away in a book

We used to stand hand in hand, nothing could break us. 

The gloomy weather is just a reminder that things will never be the same. 

My hair looks like a mess, but I don’t care. 

I look out the window as I see the driver get to my destination, moon not even out yet.

 The wind blows across my face as I make my way in. 

I see his rough shape, His eyes dead and lifeless. 

You could see everyone’s worried concerns. 

Looking out the window the sky is gloomy. 

Sleep is something everyone in the room needs.

 Paper after paper is not good news 

His illness is like a tower waiting to fall but once it falls and it hits the ground it means its over. 

Maybe once it’s over he’ll be swimming in the ocean 

But for now, he is still here, and I just look at him eat out the bowl

His illness is like fire waiting to burst out in flames, on the border between getting better or getting worse. 

We stand here looking like ants supporting one another 

I just wish him, and I were back at the park playing on the green grass.

Even though things will never be the same he will never forget his roots of who he is. 

I wish this was a dream and I could wake up and

everything will be normal, but this is not a dream this is reality and I have to face it and live through it.

Unsure how to process,

I am living on the edge of forgotteness,

While today, taking out the trash,

Nearly gave me whiplash,

To the past I found myself agazed,

Upon the rough, unforgettable haze,

Containing the choices you have made,

And how I just try my best to wade,

Through the pain,

That left a permanent stain,

And through the disappointment,

That took my enjoyment,

The person that lived in that room,

The one that lacked a broom,

That person was not you,

At least not the one I ever knew,

Having kept that aspect of you separate from my mind,

It was easier to have your role clearly be defined,

But now there's another person that's been along for the ride,

And it takes strength to learn to coincide.

 When I was a child

I remember you carrying me in your arms

the grey pseudo membrane covers my pharynx

making it difficult to breathe

Diphtheria was common in those days

You were turned away

from the footsteps of Holy family hospital

I saw despair

Flow down your cheeks

Where to now

You murmured

As I slipped into unconsciousness 

The haveli in Shimla

Amidst blue pines

You, your young family

My father, his brothers and sisters

Settled, content and happy

Forest was your business

Himalayan cedar, silver fir, white oak

Your touch turned them to gold

You took to the road in ‘47

Independence from British Raj and idolaters

carnage ensued

innocents, vulnerable

those who had no say, paid

The Punjabi sky above endured,

said no word but it poured

you spoke little about exodus of your own choice

and loss of everything

the hardship years, the eldest his fits of psychosis

chained, there was no PTSD in those days

people took things in their stride

his young siblings, their silent cries of pain

for the valley, the green trees

the wind that rustled between

the paths that led to nowhere

your hands never spoke of the stories

but you rebuilt the nest

and one by one they flew

some near

others to faraway lands

I want to know more about you grandpa

I am not small anymore but your legacy is so much bigger

One thing I am certain

giving up was never in our blood