Depression

Birthday Blues

I was born 41 years ago today, 

A waste of life is what it's been.

I've never felt so worthless, I wish I didn't feel this way. 

It's true though. I've never been good enough for anyone, 

I'm a horrible mother and the worst girlfriend you could imagine. 

Life as me isn't much fun. 

I wish I could throw these feelings out the door. 

Find sunshine among the darkness and gloom 

Smile and laugh once more. 

But it all feels so pointless right now. 

Like I'll never smile again

I wish I Weren't a coward somehow

I'd make all this pain go away. 

I'd bite the bullet and grab a gun

And never see another birthday. 

 

Money is One Heck of a Stimulant

Your deceit has polluted the rivers near your villages.

The very rivers that its people rely on for drinking water.

A sip of that poison ignites a plague that turns friends into foes and kin into fugitives.

But where is the antidote? Why do your people continue to fall ill?

It is locked away along with the fortune you made from the production of your deceit.

Money is one heck of a stimulant.

 

I’ve been away for a long time to know why I’ve been in the wrong before.

I had beaten a dead horse and gave CPR to two that had cancer.

I should have known that it was not worth it if the doctors were not going to help treat it.

I was an ignoramus. They have all the knowledge that the world had to offer.

So why not share it with the ambitious and give new life to these once noble steads?

Money is one heck of a stimulant.

 

I long reminisced about a time when the doors were open to tons of villagers with potential.

It was a world that I wanted to be a part of since I was a guppy not yet exposed to mathematics.

A potato infected by a blight and stabbed me warned me that the chief doctors were monsters.

A poor surgeon who tried repeatedly to receive a raise vanished, was slandered, and never seen again.

A coordinator found a shady message in her contract that forbad arbitration and fled to another kingdom.

And I recently heard that the one coquettish nurse was expelled over scrutiny from her personal life.

Why, Dr. Kim? Why do you egg your personnel to choose sides when there are lives that need rescuing?

Can’t we all get along and lay down our weapons? It’s easier to negotiate than to wage war, but no.

Money is one heck of a stimulant.

 

People lose their minds when they fall in love. It’s not just me. It’s a fact of life.

I lost mine to a mongrel who shut me out after a few months and lied directly to my face.

A good friend that I had regretfully wronged had given the doctors the deceit that tainted the rivers.

A clever herbalist that craves drama knows how to brew tainted water to make it appear crystal clear.

Not everyone knows that making up stories to sweep malpractice under the rug is a gold mine.

Money is one heck of a stimulant.

 

The coachman that brought me to this place can call me a whiny little boy if his mood fits.

Just like the kid who offered sage advice to the chief doctors on how to break down barriers.

But that judges the coachman's character more than mine.

It’s an fyi that looks terrible just because he’s wearing it.

But hey, why bother listening to advice that’s more expensive than one’s pride?

The doctors’ salaries are too low for them to spare a dime to make that change.

That’s why that there’s never room for improvement nor for sharing in their greedy hearts.

Money is one heck of a stimulant.

 

I am terribly sorry that your folks never taught you that what goes around comes around.

That your hidden crimes will come back to bite you when you too become penniless.

When you one day get a taste of your own poison when you drink the river you tainted.

What does your life have in store for you afterwards? Can you sleep at night again?

Will people still care when the doctors go their separate ways? What about the pollution in the river?

I will not return to the filth you created to clean it because in the end, the deceit would be even worse.

To change your practice for the better was my greatest wish until I found out how unethical you are.

Now it is to build a fortune of my own so the artist that my heart now beats for can have a bite to eat.

That is the change that you will never see because you are too comfortable smoking the dough you baked.

Money is one heck of a stimulant.

Burn & Blaze

Folder: 
Shift Up

 

The clock ticks across the waves of time,

I count them, watch them, wishing I could 

change the course of time,

Crest, trough. Rise, sink. Tide in. Tide out.

 

I fell from the cliff into the waters below,

freezing, sinking; the roots I had gone.

All things blurred; salt steeping into wounds,

I'm a relic of an era long gone. 

 

And I can't turn back time. 

 

The storm rages on and I suffocate

in the depths, dark and deep, 

dislodged out of time, 

days gone. Dimmed. 

 

And I can't turn back time. 

 

A pyre, past lit, 

A catalyst to combust or

A path, of possibilities, of 

probabilities. 

 

Time consumes, the tide comes.

 

The fire within, held close and tight,

The only thing to keep warmth, 

Stare at the fiery beacon, 

and learn to yield the inferno. 

 

Don't let the flame consume you, 

Lest it burn you back to the depths,

Don't the fire go out,

Lest time claims you forever. 

 

Mimic the light in the distance,

so far gone and stolen away,

To a place that cannot see backwards,

But still a beacon for pathfinders,

 

And I'll use time instead. 

 

Burn, contort, shape, and meld

the future to your will, and 

blazing into the future is now 

all I can do. 

View aloris's Full Portfolio

Hopeless and Denial

Folder: 
2019

Hopeless and Denial

3/17/2019

 

Afraid,

Hopeless,

Fear.

 

Afraid to accept being single,

Scared of growing old alone,

Scared of getting screwed,

Hopeless that I am alone.

 

Who am I?

Why am I here?

 

I still ponder these words and phrases each day.

 

Sometimes I want to start again,

Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,

While the rest I want to get drunk.

 

Again, I ask myself,

Who am I?

Why am I here?

 

I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.

I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;

But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.

There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach.  Because I am too afraid of denial.

 

As I always mention…

Who am I?

What do I want?

Why am I here?

 

I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am?  I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.

 

I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.

 

Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.

 

They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.

 

A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back.  Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a compile between a poem & a short essay

View moscadini's Full Portfolio

Sweet Tooth

Immaterial, indiscreet, unfulfilling, yet so complete

Take another, take a seat, you might not ever move.

Drifting off into a trance, each time risking one last dance

Your subscription to addiction fueled by an unnecessary prescription.

Fading fast, yet time moves slow, never meant to last, so we let ourselves sink low

Incomplete, insatiable...all in some way, unnaturally disintegrating each and every day

So pop the pills, stop the pills, before you're set to lay

Use your will, restrain the thrill, before the kill gets its say.

The Seed

in what dark recesses of torture remain

exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain

to keep us sane and deliver us from evil

so goes the creed of an everlasting people

 

unending doubt resonates to be

impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream

scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk

prevention of fortune in a world of luck

 

forever told from stories past

eerily reminiscent of perpetual task

systems of new destroyed wisdom once known

for all apart of a world unsown

 

grimmace and malice plagued once more

in dire times that conjured vile scorn

but it was hope that was given once last chance

now grows a tree from the seed of our past

the blanket

Darkness called her away from her dreams

A familiar blanket of anguish it seemed

Out of nowhere and meaning naught

She took a breath and had a thought


Why have i been given this pain?

No rhyme or reason, nothing to gain

She can't just make it go away

From childhood memory to today


It means to drag her over coals

Despite efforts to be in control

It sweeps away all that is good

Leaving behind only falsehood


Phantom feelings that can't be denied

Fighting it hard even whilst she cried

Loud enough that everyone knows 

She's in a pit of emotional foes

 

Just time and the right medication

To bring her round to a better situation

There are no issues to be resolved

The illness is what has to be solved


Honesty is what it takes to stay well

Open discourse clear as a bell

That the struggle is beyond her ability

She's stuck with a feeling of futility 


So once again she has to admit

To her wellbeing she must committ

On her own she only suffers

Making an impact on all her others


She knows now to do the right thing

That in no time she'll be able to sing

Shredding the blanket of anguish

she will no longer languish


 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

hmmm

i have wrangled this a few times.  

Can't quite get the flow right.

 

View wrennie's Full Portfolio

Nowhere2go

Full speed, fantasy about being under my own tires, expressing myself getting even harder, Nowhere2go, not enough prayer for you, your mind is tainted and no one will ever love you, Dancing in holy white, hoping I get her attention, driving fast, gma come get me, fantasy about being under your tires, expressing myself getting impossible, the army saving my life, there are times where I breathe and I feel like im losing my life, my lungs are expiring and I'm gasping for air, and niggas around me can't even tell, Danielle, I hate that I still love her, fuck it, I'll see her in hell, I'm falling for a girl, who is the same, Jesus take the wheel, nowhere2go, there is, not enough prayer for you, I've spent my whole life depressed, I wanna end myself, my silence is golden as fuck, when I seem happy, people don't have to look, the shadows where they dwell, in the light wishing me well, I can't see and I'm paranoid, drowning myself in addiction hoping I blend in, I've been home for only a few days, and it sinks in, and it sinks in, no one loves you, nowhere2go.. I've spent all my life depressed.. thinking about death.. hoping my time is next.

Challenging Times

We live in challenging times but I've learned to not take it personally. We owe it to ourselves to cut us a break once in a while. We may not always live up to our ideals and we might not be where we want to be in life but that's no reason to feel bad about oneself. We live in challenging times and we should allow ourselves to struggle without letting guilt or shame take the wheel. I can make mistakes and not be defined by them. I can have shortcomings but not let them drown out my strengths. I think a lot of us are looking around and feeling scared and confused and that's okay. With all that is happening in the world perhaps that is how we should feel. I just think that we have to make a real effort to feel some of those good things too. 

I used to have a fear that I would grow up to be old and bitter. I felt this way because I wasn't successful at a lot of things and worried that I would be loser. But that guy you know who's bitter he has people who loves him. He may not always be able to express it but there is love and acceptance in his life. I'm thankful to have a family that would still love me no matter how bitter or resentful I may or may not become. A family that supports me and cares for me.

And I've made mistakes. I've made enough mistakes to be that bitter resentful guy. But I choose not to because I could've made more mistakes. It could've gone worse for me certainly. I have to take stock of what I do have and appreciate it. I have to let myself appreciate all the good that is right there in my life already.

The outside world is harsh and only getting harder. But please, do all you can to let your mind be a nice place to be. No pressure if it's not right now there's time. You deserve to have some inner peace and clarity. You deserve to know that your worth it.