Depression

Depression [Haqueian Verse]

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Haqueian Verse

Depression,


Is a curse,


It kills joy,


Leads to,

 

Aggression!

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I can’t… But, Why? By jfarrell I can’t… I haven’t prepared… What if…. I could give a million reasons. I can’t bare the humiliation. A broken leg may hurt, But… SNAP! It’s over Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart Relived everytime you sleep Re-

I can’t… But, Why?

By jfarrell

 

I can’t…

I haven’t prepared…

What if….

I could give a million reasons.

 

I can’t bare the humiliation.

A broken leg may hurt,

But… SNAP!

It’s over

 

Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart

Relived everytime you sleep

Re-experienced everytime you close your eyes

Always there

 

I can’t ask out a woman because the ‘No’

Is like using a boxcutter on my heart

For everyone to see

For everyone to laugh…. forever

 

Over and over I would relive that humiliation

I couldn’t help myself

And, that’s why

I can’t

Author's Notes/Comments: 

pathetic, i know

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Lying Shadow

Fall into my arms 

My deepest love 

I will tell you soft lies 

You will me in disguise 

 

I am in your head

You will believe me instead 

I will tell you your lies 

You will see me only in diguise

 

I am in your soul 

No part of you 

is in control

I will tell you lies 

You will see me only ever in disguise 

 

You are lost in confusion

You can't handle emotion

I will tell you lies 

You will never believe otherwise 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Comments and helpful critques are welcome. Laughing

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A drunk, long before I found alcohol By jfarrell

A drunk, long before I found alcohol

By jfarrell

 

 

Used to watch my dad come home from the pub

And beat his wife and kids

Used to see my mum plied with drink

To walk out with a man and humiliate all of us,

Humiliate me, again

 

When we got taken into Care,

I didn’t know alcohol was involved

(found that out recently)

But, at least that first time drunk

Scared me back into being teetotal

 

I found alcohol at 25 and fell in love with being inebriated.

Up til then, I’d always had a ‘drink problem’

though teetotal,

Fear that one taste I’d end up like them

Fear I’d become him

 

Maybe I’m not far off him, not that different,

I have no wife or kids, so don’t know if I’d hurt them

Maybe I’m just as blind to how alcohol changes me

As he was blind. That’s why

I was a drunk, long before I found alcohol.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

not sure what makes me smarter than my dad, if i am

I Manipulate By jfarrell

I Manipulate

By jfarrell

 

(“From the cover of Heaven’s gate, I manipulate” great lyrics from steve taylor)

 

Rasputin is me, I am Rasputin;

I tell you my story, show you my scars

I share my pain with you

And you will jump to my defence

Jump between me and the bullet

Take the sword thrust,

In my stead.

 

I frown and lower my gaze

I show you the pieces of my sundered heart

Let you hold and feel this dead thing that is my soul

Let you dance in the dust that was my dreams

And you give your heart to me

In tender whispers you pledge your undying love

To me.

 

Amongst tears, with nastiness running from my nose

I tell you of the wrongs done to me

I tell you of those that hurt and ridiculed me

To show the truth, the strength, of my pain

I take the knife and slash my arm, over and over

My pain angers you to kill,

For me.

 

Rasputin is me, I am Rasputin

A manipulative, conniving…. monk

Dead many years (executed, I think);

I want you to like me

I’ll say anything you wanna hear.

To keep you here

I manipulate

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is about me, not christians.... just loved steve taylor's song "I Manipuate", great song, great title

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This caged bird don’t sing By jfarrell

This caged bird don’t sing

By jfarrell

 

Yes, I want to be free

Free to live, laugh and love

Free to enjoy, to be happy

To be normal.

 

To spread my wings and fly.

But

It’s safe here in my cage

No risk of getting hurt.

 

By something new,

By someone new.

No risk of a new cage,

“better the devil you know…”

 

This bird doesn’t sing;

This bird does dance;

This bird sits sulkily silent in his cage.

Already dead?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

response to a poem i read earlier

Down the drain By jfarrell

Down the drain

By jfarrell

 

What do you want me to say?

I tried to live my life your way.

Ignore the anger, forget the pain,

Get knocked down, just to get up again.

Aspire to conform,

Telling no-one where I’m from.

Fitting in, don’t stand out

Don’t give them anything to shout about.

I tell you, it’s insane,

As I watch my life slide down the drain.

 

I try so hard to keep it together,

Like my horses, closely tethered;

Pay my bills, go to work

I play blind, as you treat me like a jerk.

Cutting names and snide remarks,

The Wolf inside wants to bite, not bark;

My teeth want to tear and rip

The Wolf within wants, from your blood, to sip.

I tell you, it’s insane,

As I watch my life flow down the drain.

 

I know a peace waits for me;

The pain I feel… I will be free;

I know there is a place… where I really belong…

The journey there…. not overly long;

A nick here, a slash there…

Well… we all know life isn’t fair;

My blood pools around me like a flower,

Lying here in the shower.

I tell you, I’m not insane,

As I give my life to the drain.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

for those who doubt.... look, i really can rhyme, hehe, and write a 'proper' poem

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Fight or Flight By jfarrell

Fight or Flight

By jfarrell

 

The door opens…

The unseen dog goes for me…

It’s owner raises his fist as I cower..

“I’ve had enough of people like you….”

THUMP!!!!

 

My therapists tell me, the way the brain works,

All them hormones and chemicals being released,

It’s all about ‘Fight or Flight’

Our body preparing us

To resist or to run.

 

I freeze.

Anticipating the pain,

Anticipating the shame;

There is no running or fighting back

Just waiting for inevitable violence.

 

6 years old, my dad drunk, angry because….

I couldn’t spell bronchitis…. I took the wrong book to school…

My sister hurt herself at home, while I’m at school…

He’s mainly angry because he is unhappy with his lot

And this is his way of dealing with it.

 

6 years old - where would I run to?

6 years old - I’m gonna fight my dad?

Maybe, this is why no ‘fight or flight’;

Just waiting for the inevitable;

Waiting for the beating.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

no more fight or flight for me - my invisible dragon gonna burn everyone ;-)

Gutter rat By jfarrell

Gutter rat

By jfarrell

 

Born in the gutter,

Drunk, violent parents,

On a council estate,

Stealing next door’s electricity…

How far from the sewers do you expect me to rise?

 

I dragged myself from the excrement,

Covered in bruises,

Both outside and in;

Took that ‘greasy pole’ in both hands

And pulled myself up.

 

After a very thorough scrubbing up and hot wash,

I got myself through college,

Into a career;

Even to the dizzying heights of

‘Acting-Deputy-Officer-in-Charge’.

 

However hard you scrub, however hot the wash,

The stench of the gutter, the sewers,

Stays with you.

Everyone can smell the waste

The rot.

 

And what lives in the rot

Has been eating away at me,

My whole life.

Rat. Rodent. Vermin.

I have always been a gutter rat.

A parasite.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

wonder if i can upgrade and become a stainless steel rat - always loved harry harrison

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