regret

Cold

I was quite a fool,

And I regret it everyday,

My lack of fortitude,

My lack of industry,

It pains me to think of it

It's true,

This isn't something,

That has much use.

But I must let it out

 

Each day passes with a certain coldness,

Not a chill,

But an iceberg,

Along my spine,

Splintering out into each and every muscle,

And a heat,

Inside my chest,

Confusion in the mind,

Chaos in the body,

The worries, oh the worries.

They fill up my mind,

Taking with it all the oxygen,

It feels as though I'm going to faint,

But I somehow arrive momentarily,

At a calm,

A melancholy calm,

Somewhere,

Resting in the darkness,

There is some warmth,

Some hope,

Some Forgiveness,

It isn't strong enough to fend of the pain,

But just strong enough,

To be noticed,

And oh what a joy it is,

To feel something in me,

Somehow,

Has not given up on me,

It still cares,

Its love is unconditional,

It is beautiful,

I feel blood rush to my cheeks,

A soothing release up the back of my neck,

Thank you.

Whatever you are, holding me together,

Loving me when no one else will,

Thank you.

I will wait out this terribleness,

Until I can feel your embrace once again.

 

 

 

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Solitary night

 
 
Solitary night
 
tears of dissatisfaction
 
choking on memories
 
a torrent as the dark presses in
 
Searching, seeking
 
the long-awaited slumber
 
of each miserable, useless regret of yesterday
 
Yet, afraid to face the uncertainty of tomorrow
 
 
 

Ripping

Folder: 
2018

If we were perfect

I don’t know

how long

we would stay.

 

If I was fearless

I would tell you everything

you need to hear.

 

I want to repeat repeat repeat

until all the tears are a drought we can’t fix.

 

I want to open the gates

until I am no one you ever wanted.

 

If I was a voice

I would want you to hear it.

If I was a hand

I would want you to hold it.

If I was golden

I would wish it all away

but instead I sit here

ripping all the paintings from the walls

louder and louder

making us quieter and quieter

and I am your bulldozer

until you have nothing left to feel.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 2/27/18

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tags:

Let me see you again

Pretty face

Affable and sweet

Accept my invitation

Take the adjacent seat

 

Talk to me about your art and studies 

The music you love 

All that you find funny

 

And in our limited time together, consider my regret

I never told you about your eyes

Your beautiful hair

Or your apparent intellect

 

That when you left me that day, you never left my memory

That I dreamed about you since the day that you met me

 

That I suppressed my feelings, for fear of rejection

And I pushed them so far down, I forgot where I had left them

 

I will remain fond of you, far from when I leave

And in my absence I hope that you still think about me

I hope that you think about the laughs we shared and the connection I seeked

 

I hope that you turn my way, when you're looking for a friend

I hope that you still trust me

And let me see you again

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wondering

Folder: 
2017

wandering

with you

wondering why your lips are chapped

I think

I could tell you

it’s not a crime

if you keep it

 

(I know I

for one

have tucked that kiss

in too many pockets

and I wouldn’t want it

to be different)

 

wondering why

all these days

I spend with you

go by too fast

when you see no future

and the haze keeps all of us quiet

 

wondering why

I’m still not shivering

so close to you

 

wondering why

you can’t see

this beauty this mess

why no one gets tired

of being around you

 

wondering why

it is so damn easy

when I’m alone

to picture

him loving you

 

wondering why

I am not the one

who gets told

I am too easy to talk to

 

maybe

I’ve answered now

why you are the magnet

and I am the poison

 

I curl myself around you

I’m sorry

I keep trying

I will never be enough

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/31/17

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tags:

Gambling

 

A spectre exhales in the empty casino.

Binary digits caught in the corner of the eye,

F R  A   G   M EN  TS of a past regretted,

Compression of a future long gone.

 

A profile stalked in the mind, and the twist in the gut that kept it there.

 

A reminder of desperation,

An echo of obsession.

 

In a moment the world falls apart and a penitent psyche fractures into a formula of whimpers,

3.14 with hopelessness recurring in clenched digits that beat ineffectually at an immutable equation.

New faces and old friends scroll alike behind the dank glass of a solitary fruit machine,

Never double, never triple, never four, nevermore,


Always her.


Four in a row of a scowling face that once smiled back when the machine was new.

 

No lights flash.

 

No jackpot sounds.

 

No coins paid out.


Just the solitary clunk of faces that refuse to settle, juddering in and out of position.


Clunk.


Click. 

 

Click.

 

I sigh and insert another coin.

 

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Spend

Folder: 
2017

I still hear the echo

of that time I said this is my heart.

 

I still hear the rush

and the pounding I won’t ever tire of.

 

I still spend money

and hours I can’t help but count.

 

I still feel more than I would like

and toss myself into hallways

 

and drown in crowds

with too many faces I will never know

 

the problem with separating my eggs

is carrying all the baskets.

 

I am choosing

these baskets

I am hooking them

over every inch of me

until I drag like I’m made of stone.

 

When I think I taste bitter

your eyes tell me you’re worth it.

 

We are all just looking for people

we won’t regret spending time on.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/29/17

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The Bouttonniere and Corsage

Folder: 
Poems

I'm walking by a place,

A place that has lost its reason to walk by.

Now I look at it with a somber face and a heavy heart.

I do recall the times i was here,

the joy and cause I had to visit here.

But its not those reasons that make me low.

Not the nostolgiac talks or even the cause of the past that weighs on my soul.

It is the joy of then, and lack of it now that brings me low.

The smiles that were, the smiles that aren't and smiles that could have been

The smiles that could have been.

 

Now instead I walk falsely,

to make light of what weighs heavy.

To make light of what weighs heavy.

I hold my head a little higher, stand a little straighter,

work a little harder; work a little too hard.

Joke a little more, laugh a little louder and smile,

Smile a little too much.

To make light of what weighs heavy at the place I'm walking by.

Unwanted - I am a constant reminder of your pain

Unwanted – I am a constant reminder of your pain

 

She gave birth to a beautiful little boy

No pain, no sadness, all he brought was pure joy

A new life into this world, for her to love and to hold and call your very own

Her biggest wish was to have more children, her little boy’s clone

 

Pity she didn’t know that it would be her biggest woe

A horror memory engraved in her heart and soul, a memory she will never be able to let go

If she knew, would she have still gone through following her heart’s desires?

I don’t believe so, and those who do, are all liars

 

Two years later she couldn’t wait for the birth of her second baby

This time around, she expected a little girl, but the wait was driving her crazy

This little baby just didn’t want to let go and come out to bloom

Two weeks late after the due arrival she decided to leave the womb

 

Excruciating labour pains for hours is all she felt

Tears streaming down her cheeks while screaming in agony for help

Instead of giving her a caesarean, or calling a doctor, she was told to be silent

The little new-born girl was coming out bridge, large, but no giant

 

The new-born tore her open from side to side

She lost so much blood giving birth, she could have died

Nurses took the baby and called the doctor

Who only arrived a day later and simply gave her pain killers, his carelessness shocked her

 

She didn’t want to see or hear her new-born for days

This little baby girl left her in a constant daze

The baby was to blame for her pain

The baby was to blame that she may never have babies ever again

 

The baby was to blame that she was left alone in a pool of blood

To scream and suffer with so much tears, almost causing a flood

With no one there to ease her pain, no doctor, no friend, no husband, left alone in vain

The baby was to blame for her dismal future which will forever remain

 

Yet, days later she called this child ‘’Desire’’

Funny, that one’s biggest desire could turn out to be your biggest heart’s regret fire

For this poor baby girl was once wanted

But once she greeted this world, she was immediately unwanted

 

Weeks passed, months passed, she loved and cared for a baby girl

But in her mind, she was always reminded of the hell she caused her, this little pearl

Decades passed, the baby grew older into a young precious lady

But still, she could not forgive and forget, she had to tell this child what she did to her as a baby

 

When the child reached her mid-twenties she decided to tell her of the birth from hell

And confessed that she didn’t want anything to do with her for days after the painful spell

She decided to tell her because the child suffered from depression

Showed signs of a cold heart and unlovable, unwanted, signs of death obsession

 

But her confession didn’t change the child’s behaviour

What was done to the new-born decades earlier will leave a lasting scar forever

The feeling of being unwanted, left alone and unloved, no matter how long

That loneliness and empty feeling the child will always carry that burden along

 

It almost seemed to make her happy, taking revenge on her own child, maybe

To remind her daughter on a regular basis of the pain she had caused her as a baby

The regrets that she carries for giving birth and wanting a second child

The regrets that she has still grows very deeply and wild

 

This baby is now 40, and it is me

Three weeks until I turn 41 I was reminded yet again of all the pain I caused her, she is still not free

If I am so unwanted, a constant reminder of your pain

Why then, does God not take me away from your again?

 

Why can’t I just die to ease your horror memories and unforgettable, forgivable pain?

Why does God keep me on this earth in your presence if all you want is revenge over again?

You want to get me back for what I did to you in your womb

You want to hurt my heart and health as much as you can to revenge your pain memories until my doom

 

Once Wanted

Became Unwanted

I am a constant reminder of your misery and pain

 

Why must I be alive? Why does God not take me away? What do you have to gain?

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