cancer

cancer kills

All alone with the voices inside of my head. ill put my pride to the side and write it out the rest. 

I hate how cancer kills the one you love and not the one you hate instead. 

it puts you through so much pain, id rather see hell, face my demons and be better off dead then to see another loved one go through that again. 

Your body is eating you from the inside out and theres nothing you can do cry and take pain meds. 

losing hair and weight at a fast scaling rate. worry and confusion, i swear this all feels like an illuision. 

sitting alone in my room every night thinking why didnt they take you. (maryanne)

they didnt take the right one, and now its fucking me up in the head.

trying to sort this shit out like why god?

why take not her instead.. 

take the crackhead.

not someones mother, a family friend.

but you cant pick and choose

so let me cry and lay in my bed. Wishing i can see you again and tell you all the things i never said. 

see your face and tell you that i love you, and thank you again.

youre in a better place, with danny. so atleast youre happy. 

im sorry for the pain this shit has put you thru. its a cold world, but atleast i got to know you.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

for Elaine Mousie 

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What If Faith is Not Enough

Folder: 
Oncology

When reality finally hits you it hurts
When the truth comes into focus it’s brutally painful.
Hope isn't always enough
It’s not always a happy ending.
What happens when faith is not enough?

 

I get hot flashes
My depression splashes
My soul is cold like stone,
the fear of being alone.

 

So now I lay me down to sleep
I pray you lord my soul to keep
Don’t let me die before I wake
I pray you lord my soul do not take.

 

I barely have a past
And may have no future
       Empty pages of a book
       A story left unwritten
       A life left unlived
       A hope left in the dust.
Please don't take me yet
Your mercy you won't regret
I am down on my knees
Begging you please
Don’t take me away.

 

At night I dream a misty graveyard
A tombstone the name I cannot see
A flashlight in the darkness
A figure so lifeless I cannot breathe.
Then I awake not as fearless as I may seem.

 

If this is my future
And if it comes to pass
And this breath be my last
Then this thought to you I cast.

 

What if faith is not enough?
Then life would be rather tough
With nothing to believe in
And nothing to justify
Nothing to keep you sane
Nothing to grasp when you fall
You will have nothing,
nothing at all.

Sometimes that is how I am
Falling in the darkness
With nothing to take hold
This feeling leaves me cold
hearted, soulless, empty.
All I feel is the pain of being unreal
No one knows how this life feels,
when you are so lifeless.

 

So now I lay me down to cry
I pray you lord you can't let me die.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close my eyes without a peep
Never to be opened again.

 

Your body goes warm then cold like rain
Slowly your body numbs,
to your fingers and your thumbs.
As your body stops working, you feel the cold mist of death
And peacefully while you’re sleeping you take your final breath.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My grandmother, a retired nurse herself, was also another very special person; she always knew that I would overcome my illness. Every day she would take me to the chapel in the church and I would stare at the enormously realistic wood carved statue of Jesus. I would ask “even though you look like you are in more pain than me, can you ask your father to help me.”

 

Then my grandmother and I would go back to the room and say this prayer together;

 

And now I lay me down to sleep and I pray you lord my soul to keep, but if I shall die before I wake, I pray you Lord my soul to take.

 

http://www.murder-in-oncology.com

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Sarah’s Story (Murder In Oncology)

Folder: 
Oncology

My name is Sarah, I am but 4
Trapped staring at the ceiling and at the floor
I don't even understand what I’m fighting for.

 

I never did wrong I always did what was right
Now it hurts so bad I can’t sleep at night.
Why is my mommy crying what is going through her head
I’d give her a hug if I was allowed to leave my bed.

 

My stomach is starving but cannot eat
I want to get up but I’m much too weak
I lay down my head and drift off to sleep
I pray to the lord for my soul to keep.
Then I stop breathing and through the dark I see a light,
My name is Sarah and cancer murdered me tonight.

 

http://www.murder-in-oncology.com

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

After a while you realize that you’re stuck in the hospital for a while. In the hospital I met an Angel, and her name was Sarah. She was in the room next to me and she had leukemia too. She was a very sweet girl and we had fun together, she helped me not to feel as different. We shared a lot of things like pizza parties, we played in the art room and we gave each other the drugs that were impossible to take. It seemed much easier to swallow when she gave them to me, compared to 5 nurses holding me down while they poured it down my throat. Out of all my friends on the fourth floor she was the best. She was an amazing friend even if she was only 3.

 

But eventually all angels must go back to heaven. And about a year later my angel Sarah went back to heaven. She died in her sleep, because the doctors failed to find a match for her bone marrow transplant. It made me sad just to look at the empty bed on that fourth floor in room 420. Although it was 10 years ago that she died, I will always remember her because she will forever be in my heart.

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Evil within

It came inside

So silent and stealthy

Not caring if I was Sick

Or totally healthy

 

It hid inside

Unnoticed and unseen

As if it were a ghost

Malevolent and mean

 

Waiting to attack

And wreak havoc in me

Destroying my body’s defenses

Without remorse or pity

 

It spread like the plague

Infecting all in its path

Spreading its sickness

In the wake of its wrath

 

My body is now ill

But I'll not find a cure

From this blackness within

It’s a losing battle for sure

 

I don’t understand

Guess I’ll never know the answer

Why so many of us need to be cursed 

By this evil called CANCER.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

For Jeff, you were a brave warrior, a great father and a wonderful friend.

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tags:

MATHEMATICAL PREACHER LADY

don’t understand me
no numeral of quantity
preacher lady looking
at accusations in a book
saying infinity is proof
of a mathematical sacrifice
that saved humanity
if only we could get back
to three and then zero
says quantum physics
is why we have clocks
and space shuttles
slipping through cracks
in the fabrics of blankets
claims blankets are white
masses, says I’m mass
the tree is mass, birds
are mass and a mass
is a spot that breaks
into a speck so small
my car is invisible to god
claims i don’t pray right
because i do it with my
hands and my speech
is imperfect, can’t talk
to god with a slur or slang
says i need to be prized
and perfect like a precious
moment figurine, demands
i stop calling him home boy
he’s not your boy, throws
a piece paper at me with
nothing on it but a squiggle
in the middle of a circle,
claims it represent life
and who i used to be
when i had a brain
and understood counting
was invented for more
than money, need to crunch
the numbers to understand
my sister is the same as me
though she died in a hospital,
tells me i’m better than nobody
but I act like a stranger hiding
my divinity code under a hat

 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is what genuis looks like in a poem!

Chapter 2 - the fiction of an orphan

Kristen leveled her body out of her open window. Her white skin was filled in with the blue light of the moon. She swayed back and forth on her torso playing with goodbye. She imagined her parents waking up and going into her room. They would find her curtains blowing in the wind and when they looked out their heart would drop into their feet. Their little girls brains would stain their deck.

 

   Maybe it was the silent middle of the night wind that signaled the world was asleep or maybe it was her last thought but Kristen was suddenly covered in goosebumps. She shook them off and held onto the frame of her window. She lifted her body forward and hung upside down.

 

   Kristen had been crying. She felt stuck out side her mind in a world that was crowded with shit and nothings. A vast wasteland of zombie life. Education. Job. Marriage. Baby. Divorce. Dating. Hate. Death. Education. Job. Marriage. Baby. Divorce. Dating. Hate. Death. Education. Job. Marriage. Baby. Divorce. Dating. Hate. Death. The cookie cutter construction line of living in the middle of America. Sure there were the variations but we can just call those the BBQ flavor or limited edition. Nothing special. Life is life.

 

  She was trapped.

  

  Kristen....

 

  This is your life Kristen. Kill high school go to KU on a full ride get your bachelors in pharmacy then go to an Ivy for your masters then Harvard for PHd. Settle down with the college sweetheart, pop out 2 kids Chelsea and Garret, try not to get divorced. Shape kids to be little Kristens. Retire at 65. Die. Die. Die. Die. Every generation.

 

  Kristen hung with her feet straight above her and she swayed more cautiously. Her stomach was in her throat and every sway was slightly spastic to stay balanced. With a jut of extrusion Kristen dropped herself back into her room. Her hands were still on the window sill and she just stood there.

 

  The blinds hung crooked at the top of the window. Kristen grabbed onto the strings and again leaned herself out the open glass. Her arms stretched with the pull of the strings behind her making her body form into a structural swan, arching her back with her arms high behind her she dropped her held back head to her breasts. She looked below her at the glass tables and wood of the deck. She brought up her feet to the sill forming into a crouch and she tilted more out the window. The strings restrained more and tightened. She pulled herself balance with the window again. Always watching the deck. It was a good 10 feet she reasoned. Her being a little more then 5 feet it would be an easy 3ish jump with her arms extended hanging from the frame.

 

  Kristen turned herself around and hopped back into her moonlit room.  She paced her rug a few times pulling her hair from her face in contemplation. She then turned to the crumbled up paper on her floor and stuck it in her pocket. She grabbed the sides of the frames with her hands to stabilize herself as she lifted herself onto the sill. Without a second thought she turned herself to face the room. Looking through a glass window at her happy days of a childhood room of memories. Dropped the weight of her body on her locked arms and dropped that weight on her finger that held her from falling. She let go and let the impact of the fall be small. When her feet hit the floor she hit the ground running.

 

 

That was 5 years ago. Since then Kristens mom died of cancer, and her died is now in hospice.

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With Angels Wings

With Angels Wings

The Whispering Winds, A song they sing
A song of sorrow and of a heart so big
Your loves reaches as far as the eye can see
I believe in dreams because in my heart...you beat
Just as a gentle breeze shimmers every leaf
Your love, in every heart, plants a seed
Elegance, love and hope is what grows beneath
....This is your gift to us...
For safekeeping
So, if you ever wonder why heaven sings
Its because now you fly....

With Angels Wings

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a poem I wrote for my aunt who we just found out is losing her battle to Pancreatic Cancer and i want to read this when the time comes.  I figured I'd share.

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"The Cancer In Me"

I hate cancer. And not because it kills 

But because it fucks with me! Being a cancer is worse, you wouldn't know how It feels

It's a slow, poisonous venom sinking it's teeth inside my veins

It makes me upset people in the worst ways, making them experience pain

 

And I hate hurting you babe, I hate that you hurt me 2

I can't stand the chaos I make, can't stand the thought of you

Crying, alone, in your room what's fucking wrong with me?

It's a sickness, I can't control it, it's the devil that becomes me

 

And sometimes I shed a tear or two, of anger though I bleed

I grin whenever I write these words, I hate, glad you can't see

I'm sorry that I make you sad, I'm sorry that you've hurt me so bad

But fighting through this, we will rise 

And well be together until we die

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Ha Ha Ha

Ha ha ha Hee Hee Hee

I can’t believe you actually thought you really knew me

You only know what I allowed you to see

 

 

Ha ha ha  Hee Hee Hee

You are so funny

How could you possibly believe you know it all honey

 

 

I am a cancer, hiding the true me is my speciality

 

 

 

 

Written by 

Dlr

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