Hope

How, And Why?

Folder: 
Outlook

It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

 

 

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

 

Vert émeraude

Au fond d'un vaste lac turquoise

Entre deux rocs et la tanière d'un vieux mérou

Git, sur un fonc couleur ardoise

Une pierre d'un vert oeil de loup.

 

Le fond des eaux éclairé par un soleil d'émeraude

Devent paisible, le sable dessinant 

Des silhouettes en dansant.

 

Les algues, au plus profond

Ondulent paisiblement au gré du courant,

Maternant les alevins en les protégeant

 

Ah ! Il tarde à ces frais nouveaux nés

De partir explorer, vagabonder

Et découvrir sans plus tarder

 

Les eaux pûres, paisibles

D'un lac turquoise, vert au fond

Sous l'égide d'un gardien e son abnégation.

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La rose

 

J’avais pour colorer de rose le morose

 

Semé derrière moi des graines de sourire

 

Qui lentement se sont mises à mourir,

 

Qui dans le chagrin n’ont pas trouvé l’osmose

 

 

 

J’avais pour détruire la colère éphémère

 

Planté derrière moi un pommier

 

Qui rapidement se mit à pleurer

 

Qui perdit jusqu’au gout de la terre

 

 

 

Sur les cadavres dansent les grabataires

 

Et sur les tombes sales, la poussière

 

Poussière qui meurt, poussière qui pleure

 

 

 

Poussière qui hait, poussière qui se leurre

 

Poussière qui espère, poussière qui ose

 

Espérer voir dans la ruine fleurir une rose.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Sigma

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Arete

Hope is a candle in a sea of darkness, eagerly awaiting the sun. 

Trust is a drop of the purest water, in an ocean full of desert sand.

Loyalty is the assurance of your own two feet, that you will stand.

Love is a bubbling geyser; filling, and rushing to overflowing. 

Empathy is a mother's love, from someone that you don't know.

Peace is an ocean of glass-like water, that ripples of war cannot move.

Honesty is a pure wine, with no dregs to ruin the taste.

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Do not weep for me now

Do not weep for me now

For I am back in my mother’s arms

 

Do not morn another day

For I walk in peace

With those who have been waiting in the light

To share their everlasting love

 

Do not be saddened

For I have been blessed with your love

And carry it in my heart

To my new plain of existence

 

Do not be afraid

For I am a part of the light that shines down upon you

And brightens your way towards your future

 

Do not feel lonely

For I am the one who will watch over and protect you

Until we again walk hand in hand

To our eternal place of peace

Author's Notes/Comments: 

For those who are dealing with the loss of a loved one. God bless

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Brand New

Fear and terror

hopes and dreams

a smile so bright

and aspirations so right

stiching together the seams

of a brand new life.

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The Seed

in what dark recesses of torture remain

exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain

to keep us sane and deliver us from evil

so goes the creed of an everlasting people

 

unending doubt resonates to be

impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream

scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk

prevention of fortune in a world of luck

 

forever told from stories past

eerily reminiscent of perpetual task

systems of new destroyed wisdom once known

for all apart of a world unsown

 

grimmace and malice plagued once more

in dire times that conjured vile scorn

but it was hope that was given once last chance

now grows a tree from the seed of our past

(Ain’t It Sad) How Things Turn Out to Be

When I was young,

I was so carefree,

At least that’s how

It seems to me,

Ain’t it sad

How things turn out to be?

 

Full of hope,

Full of passionate dreams,

A thrilling new world

Lay right before me,

Ain’t it sad

How things turn out to be?

 

Glass half full,

Then it’s half empty,

My mood can change

So very unpredictably,

Ain’t it sad

 How things turn out to be?


 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57MUtZbXChM

Author's Notes/Comments: 

 (Ain’t It Sad) How Things Turn Out to Be began life as a song, written and recorded in 2016, although, as the lyrics make manifestly clear, it stems from one of my episodic ‘glass half empty’ periods.

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Just Ask, Do Not Assume

Folder: 
January 2019
beginning to lose her patience; 
short-tempered quite frequently no one knows, for she goes unnoticed
not one has seen the flame once so small for now its a blazing and raging fire within. she remains silent. only to concentrate solely on her journey at hand.  with daily strength and success for almost a year now. for she is true to herself on the inside and out; that's all that matters to her is that she stays true to herself. what people may think of her, or assume about her, or are skeptical about her, or why they may doubt her, or why they question to themselves about her - she has not a care for; false thoughts and untrue accusations honestly are none of her concern for if she did care, she'd be allowing the enemy to take over her thoughts in her mind she's only concerned about herself and her journey. she tries not to care; but deep down when she's alone she cries herself to sleep each night. the outside no longer cares; inside her heart begins to harden  once again, starts to shut out the world completely;
eventually, there will no longer be hurt, always being interrupted in her speaking,her thought or idea is wrong they say. being cut short in every encounter;rage is beginning to burn brightly, the harden heart; will reveal the truth about her pain those have caused her. her soul will be set free. 
avoid her, cut her short, no longer caring to speak to her; or to hear from her anymore.  a question, a thought, or an idea, even those encounters are practically nonexistent in her world;  
as brief as a lightning strike her soul begins to show from behind those eyes opened wide, she can see the light fading quickly;for in beginning it to burn brightly now in her eyes, she can see that it's going out. for when she started this journey she began to be happy again, that for many years happiness was absent in her life. until she found a new way, a journey that was beginning to give her meaning, 
a purpose, she had meaning in her life. although she continues to be successful, for she has not had a stumble, a slip, or a fall since day one and even today there is still none.
there are NO intentions or a desire to slip, to stumble, or to fall but to keep moving forward as she has been since the beginning of her journey. a step at a time, a prayer at a time, still learning, 
still growing in faith, still has love, the light that once began to glow is now being snuffed out by: the unasked question that they can't answer, the look from others doubting eye, a grapevine statement, an accusation, 
an assumption that others think to be true. the wildfire that started to burn brightly within her is now just a glow being snuffed out by those around her!
why? the fire of happiness is unknowingly causing her to begin to harden her heart all over again after so many stepping stones that have been reached along her journeyed path. 
Does she begin to feel what's the point? if they put out the flame, will she still have a meaning, a purpose the situation is being threatened. not one of them is willing to ask her the question that they have on the tip of their tongues. they would rather doubt, question themselves, assume things, which must be true...think again...ask the situation. her journey is a successful one; she still tries to help others: the good, the bad, and the ugly it's an act of kindness, she talks to everyone still from all walks of life. 
for she does not judge others even as they judge her, she lends an ear where it's needed, she just wants someone to listen, or to lend her ear to listen to someone, or to lend a helping hand in their time of need, that's not what others see, they see you with someone, somewhere, they don't see eye to eye with so, they assume and accuse she must be a failure... saw her or what they thought was a bad situation when all she's been doing is lending an ear or a helping hand to someone in their time of need. someone somewhere could always use a hand when someone is down on their luck in all walks of life whether they are one of the good, the bad, or the ugly. she sees good in every heart. 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

Never assume the worst when it is nothing but hear say, it can really hurt someone within, it can break their heart words do hurt but so does false accusations, and rumors. Put yourself in their shoes