Obsessed with Control

When the man of the house threatens to put a leash on you,

The best step now is to see yourself out to force him to rue.

Hopeless and Denial

Short Essays

Hopeless and Denial







Afraid to accept being single,

Scared of growing old alone,

Scared of getting screwed,

Hopeless that I am alone.


Who am I?

Why am I here?


I still ponder these words and phrases each day.


Sometimes I want to start again,

Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,

While the rest I want to get drunk.


Again, I ask myself,

Who am I?

Why am I here?


I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.

I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;

But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.

There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach.  Because I am too afraid of denial.


As I always mention…

Who am I?

What do I want?

Why am I here?


I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am?  I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.


I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.


Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.


They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.


A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back.  Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a compile between a poem & a short essay

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Kill Your Darlings

"Kill your darlings." I read in a book

Behind my glowing keypad, I shook.

Kill my darlings, you say?

Just pick up a rag and wipe it away?

Backspace, backspace, backspace, I press.

Making my paragraph noticeably less.

But I don't think I'm fooling anyone, I guess,

I really must start fresh.

Author's Notes/Comments: 



All my heart was thrown to you,
for a maxim care.
Ding dong it beats,
fear of broken-ness.
Love was what i negotiated for.
I sowed avacado.
I reaped dum-dum nut.
I know our hearts beat for two.
If you are not part of us,
why do i see you in my vission?
Why are you disenfranchising me the attention i need? 
The care, in-out i deserve? 
Any hope in sight?
Pains are my pabulum.
It was written all over me. 
 All this you hiding away
remember, one day you may not rise, u may not hear voices, 
eyes closed, 
U may not see me to coy to,
why not let me sword in?
Thousands of years may pass,
but i'll keep coming for you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The poem 'unfulfilled' is constructed with the theme of love, denial and others. 

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Curiosity Killed the Cat

It was a tragedy in making,
Gasping joyfully among sighs.
It was love we were faking,
Gripping between each other’s thighs.

It was just a trial,
Giving me your all.
It was agony and denial,
Gazing at your fall.

It was torture and pain,
Getting all of your fury.
It was all in vain,
Granting me your jury.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I'm not sure what I should say about this, I'm not sure what I want to say either.
I feel like I should bs some metaphor about how I helped a someone with a scientific exploration only to be blamed for everything that they discovered.

I dislike that that I thought I'd never fall into this trap, but more of me just pities them, they must be so consumed to become so hateful.

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The Masterpiece




I thought I'd draw the silhouette

Of how it made me feel

When you died,

But since there was nothing inside,

The page remains blank to this day.

I never want to see that masterpiece.



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Who Am I?

I am a shadow, long gone
I am forgotten, disappointments spawn
I am the weeping, in nights silent hour
From society, who savors the sour
I am the dark, stuck within my fears
I am denied, to them and all who hears
I was a dreamer, now hiding within my sleep
From the all of the promises that I can not keep
I am a shadow, long gone

I loved, and I loved you well.
Even after you challenge me hell
I remember, she parted us, you and I
She kissed your cracks, promising you lies
She left you broken, by the dead
But me, I wanted you by my side, to cherish instead

Author's Notes/Comments: 

An old class assignment I digged up.

It was supposed to be more simple and straightforward.

But I remember, I couldn't help myself from twisting it up


Which results with this


Heartbreak Hangover

Could this be worth?

Could this be mine?

Do you mean everything-

Is going to be alright?


I slept in the light-

It was crowded-

Much more than silent.


Where is this love?

I don't feel the same-

Don't know what this is-

Should be given a name?


I dreamt of songs.

I dreamt of sounds.

I saw when gravity-

Lifted me from the ground.


When I woke-

You were there,

Writing scriptures,

Vows on my forehead.


And you said..

"I'd forget 23,

Like I forgot 17."


You'd forget me-

Your first love,

Like I forget-

My daydreams.


But what if I adpot them?

These thoughts,


and the times I had with them?


You promised..

"They'll all fade to grey soon."

Darken craters in the moon.


they are confused,

they thought they knew me

and now they have to face they never did

the things they were not there for

i tried to tell them about

but loving people can often cause blindness

we love deeply

and because we love so deeply

we can hear another's story and shut them out

it happens fast

we do not even realize we do it

and it continues like a cancer in the blinding dark of love

the story goes in our ears

and moves like lightning through our minds

we are unaware of how to help

pain, anger, resentment, denial,

all stages of healing

and grief....

when someone we love is hurt

they are grieving a loss

and it is the same as grieving a death

without being present for these emotions

within ourselves,

we cannot be present for another's

without developing a healthy grieving manner

we can never be there to help 

another help themselves

so now, the pain of not knowing me

knowing i was alone

there comes denial

you were not alone!


god was there!

you asked for it!

blame god then

you always did like seeing him hang on that cross

but don't try to tell me it never happened

3:47 PM 7/5/2013



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