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I'M tired of feeling this way!       3/27/25     

this sadness i feel lasts all thru the day and into the night
this feeling keeps going without end that doesn't seem right
why wont this feeling release me I've done nothing but pray
but my cries go unheard and I'm tired of feeling this way
this isn't how i pictured my life but sadness has taken root
and i dont see no end in sight i wish i could give it the boot
its like im up the creek with out a paddle and the sky is gray
please let go and give me peace i'm tired of feeling this way
i know the life that i seek should be right at my finger tips
i need to let go of my feelings so they will loosen there grips
i wish it were easier to let go but sadly it settles in to stay
but as i lay in bed i whisper i'm tired of feeling this way

THE NIGHT CAME FAST QUICK QUICK TO ME, 

I SEE HER NOW LOOK LOOK IT'S HER.

THE AIR WAS COLD CRISP CRISP THE FEEL,

THE MEMORY THINK THINK  MY MIND,

MISTAKES I MADE SHAME SHAME ON ME.

I SHOULD HAVE MOVED  WALK WALK TO HER! 

I FROZE IN TIME TICK TICK TOO LONG.

IT SITS WITH ME MAD MAD AM I,

ANOTHER CHANCE PLEASE PLEASE I ASK? 

TIME GONE FOREWARN CRY CRY DO I. 

I TELL MY TALE SPEAK SPEAK TO YOU. 

DON'T LET THE CHANCE FLEE FLEE I BEG. 

FOR ONLY ONE CHANCE CHANCE DO TAKE!

BE NOT LIKE ME HURT HURT I BE.

TAKE NOW THE CHANCE GLEE GLEE TO BE!! 

Shattered shards of self, scattered in the silence,

Anxiety amplifies, adheres to every absence.

Doubts dance, depression deepens—a dire duet,

Trauma's tendrils tighten, twisting thoughts to threat.

Unwanted hands, unholy violation,

Trust torn, tattered—a soul's devastation.

Memories mangle, mutilate the mind,

Leaving scars unseen, sanity undermined.

Family's fists fall, words wound worse than blows,

Love's facade fades, fear furiously grows.

Home becomes hell, haven turned to horror,

Childhood choked by chaos, terror, and sorrow.

Fibrous pain flares, fierce and unforgiving,

Vertebrae curve, a visual of vicious living.

Balance betrays, brain baffled by motion,

Vertigo's vortex, a violent commotion.

Slumber slips away, sleep's sweet solace stolen,

Bones brittle, broken—body and spirit swollen.

Migraines march, merciless, through mind's maze,

Cluster strikes, crushing skull in crimson haze.

Eviction looms, a specter ever-present,

Streets once known now seem a sentence.

Childhood's cold corners, revisited in fear,

Adult homelessness—an unthinkable frontier.

Yet they say, "It's all in your head,"

Invalidation spreads, insidious as lead.

Gaslighting glows, gutting truth's ember,

Leaving only lies to remember.

Fur-friends, faithful lifelines in the lonely night,

One battles cancer—an unbeatable fight.

Isolation intensifies, abandonment aches anew,

As time ticks away, taking comfort, and hope too.

I often find myself wondering

Whether or not my suicide will be met with discussion

Surrounding women who “were taken from us way too soon”.

Will people grieve?

Will they say how much potential i had?

Reflections of all the things i could’ve been

But was not.

Will my legacy be that of another victim of their own psyche?

When my name is whispered, will it be with compassion?

Pity?

Disgust?

What makes a woman prodigy? 

How does that differ from a man?

How do nimble fingers and small frames,

Narrow shoulders and protruding ribs,

Brittle knee caps and sunken eyes

Fit into the image of greatness?

i do not belong.

An act as nobel as suicide ought to be met with some sort of admiration;

For it was a sacrifice.

i am a martyr. 

Joan of arc,

Burned alive for refusing to recant her visions.

Until her dying breath

She remained adamant that the voices she heard were real.

“Divine in nature”.

As she called out to the saints for help,

She continued to burn.

“Jesus”

Her dying breath.

I am like Joan.

Her reincarnate, perhaps.

Call it what you may,

Sacrilege.

I refuse to recant my visions.

Refuse to believe that the voice in my head,

Melodically whispering sweet nothings in my ear from the time I was young,

Reminding me of my value,

My purpose,

My nothingness,

Is anything but divine intervention.

Following every accident,

Every brush with death,

He was there. 

“Maybe next time”

My life companion, 

Warming me with his embrace.

Jesus.

He is calling,

It is now my turn.

Much like Joan,

My brain is on fire,

I am ready to become ash.

Feel my skin melt, my hair singe.

Succumb to the delicious call of my savior.

It is time to shed my mortal frame,

Adieu, adieu.

When i die,

Publish my journals. 

Let people gawk and gape,

As they witness the annihilation of a dying star in real time.