future

To My Own End

I remember the time,
When the world was much simpler,
As little kids we had it all setup for us,
Now see see the world in its true face now,
How it all changed with a few years going by,
I wish I still had the chances I had 5 years ago,
But now I take the chances today give,
Hoping I make the right call,
That I don't regret in 5 year,
Choices I can sit my kids down too,
Say this is what I've done,
Worring will I get disowned by my son,
Or hear Dad, that's so cool,
I want to be just like you,
But life is so fast how can I keep up,
It feels like I'm drowning someone,
I need help someone save me,
By the time I know my fate,
I will already know,
If I made it or if I'm a failure,
Did I let the river run,
Or did I take control,
And stear my own destiny,
To my own goals,
To my own end,

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What If Faith is Not Enough

Folder: 
Oncology

When reality finally hits you it hurts
When the truth comes into focus it’s brutally painful.
Hope isn't always enough
It’s not always a happy ending.
What happens when faith is not enough?

 

I get hot flashes
My depression splashes
My soul is cold like stone,
the fear of being alone.

 

So now I lay me down to sleep
I pray you lord my soul to keep
Don’t let me die before I wake
I pray you lord my soul do not take.

 

I barely have a past
And may have no future
       Empty pages of a book
       A story left unwritten
       A life left unlived
       A hope left in the dust.
Please don't take me yet
Your mercy you won't regret
I am down on my knees
Begging you please
Don’t take me away.

 

At night I dream a misty graveyard
A tombstone the name I cannot see
A flashlight in the darkness
A figure so lifeless I cannot breathe.
Then I awake not as fearless as I may seem.

 

If this is my future
And if it comes to pass
And this breath be my last
Then this thought to you I cast.

 

What if faith is not enough?
Then life would be rather tough
With nothing to believe in
And nothing to justify
Nothing to keep you sane
Nothing to grasp when you fall
You will have nothing,
nothing at all.

Sometimes that is how I am
Falling in the darkness
With nothing to take hold
This feeling leaves me cold
hearted, soulless, empty.
All I feel is the pain of being unreal
No one knows how this life feels,
when you are so lifeless.

 

So now I lay me down to cry
I pray you lord you can't let me die.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close my eyes without a peep
Never to be opened again.

 

Your body goes warm then cold like rain
Slowly your body numbs,
to your fingers and your thumbs.
As your body stops working, you feel the cold mist of death
And peacefully while you’re sleeping you take your final breath.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My grandmother, a retired nurse herself, was also another very special person; she always knew that I would overcome my illness. Every day she would take me to the chapel in the church and I would stare at the enormously realistic wood carved statue of Jesus. I would ask “even though you look like you are in more pain than me, can you ask your father to help me.”

 

Then my grandmother and I would go back to the room and say this prayer together;

 

And now I lay me down to sleep and I pray you lord my soul to keep, but if I shall die before I wake, I pray you Lord my soul to take.

 

http://www.murder-in-oncology.com

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Heartbreak On My Hands

Folder: 
2017

The day I smelled the gasoline forty feet up

I said

I don’t want to miss you like them

I don’t want to be the one

to push you to the wall

Sometimes all you need is a chance

and I speak a different language.

 

When you’re around

you know my stride is full of you

Maybe if I take half a step

we could change,

we’ll be afraid

of getting to where our hearts storm the drains.

 

I said

I don’t want to miss you like them

but if that’s what it takes

to live something worth seeing

to write something worth reading

to say something worth telling…

I will gladly take

the heartbreak on my hands.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/4/17

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tags:

Unknown

Folder: 
2017

You say that you’re scared of the unknown

Nobody can say what the future will hold

It’s terrifying going in blind

But I want you to know that you’re not alone.

 

I’ll be by your side

For as long as you’ll let me

And I’ll help clear the path

That you’re going to follow.

 

I’ll hold your hand

As we explore together

And when you’re ready

I’ll let someone else take the lead.

 

Nobody knows what will happen

Or who we will become

But I wouldn’t want to go through

The unknown with anyone else.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 7/21/17

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Solitary night

 
 
Solitary night
 
tears of dissatisfaction
 
choking on memories
 
a torrent as the dark presses in
 
Searching, seeking
 
the long-awaited slumber
 
of each miserable, useless regret of yesterday
 
Yet, afraid to face the uncertainty of tomorrow
 
 
 

Belong

Folder: 
2018

You and I are voices sight-reading tomorrow.

We write out to all the listeners

and give them no reason to stay

but there are so many hands on me

I can’t sit still for a second

even to listen to what might become the world.

 

I sight read your lips over and over and I keep finding a different rhythm

every step that sings I belong here

is interrupted when the seconds unwind

and lay out a carpet to carry me from you.

 

I just want to be the person I’m too shy to be

after a day or a universe

I walk in your door and drop everything I am on the ground

I know you won’t care.

 

Sometimes I think when I am in love

I am buried so deep in sanity that I don't know what it is anymore

I couldn’t recognize it if it came and broke down my door

made these breezes breathe through my skin

cleaned me out of brain space

gave me the best orgasm I have ever had.

 

And so I stare it straight in the face,

look right on through.

 

I reach in for all the love I can give you

I twist it with your smile

I let it go but it is easy

because there is so much to hold on to.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 2/11/18

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tags:

Promise

Folder: 
2018

You pull at my lips like a few too many consonants,

a string of intrigue that will make me come back,

look twice.

 

This moment is glittering with promises

and I can’t catch it

no matter how fast it feels like I am flying.

 

I don’t think like my words

but my words build a body

that wonders if you can see

promise in girl

and then every time you get close

something wishes it away

because my doubt can’t stand the company.

 

The promises seep down

and I twist them in my fingers like red under thorns

and sometimes I look at you like I might go blind

or you’ll go missing.

 

Tonight is thunder and stillness and missing you

and someday it will be

a wave I can’t conquer by hearing your voice at night.

 

I think if history comes around again

I will repeat myself onto other lips

You are my first string and I will make the world our race.

 

I think if I fall in love again

I will see you in her eyes

I will make sure she is just enough like you 

to break me down.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/13/18

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tags:

50 was a crossroads

50 was a crossroads

By jfarrell

 

I did have a party on my 50th birthday…

And it was decided on your votes and contributions;

And, I think, it was great!!

 

My first birthday party, ever

Two folks did turn up..

Definitely better than no-one.

 

And we spent the night jamming on guitar;

With everybody begging me to stop singing, hehe

But, it’s my party and I’ll sing if I want to.

 

The real guitarist, I hadn’t seen him in a couple years;

And ‘Dodge’; well he couldn’t dodge the end of this friendship…

“Jim, you’re always so negative.”

 

A crossroads;

A natural ending, without bitterness;

My last friends and I go our separate ways.

 

“The times we had were great, we gotta keep in touch….”

We, all three, nodded, big smiles…

But.. the smile never quite reached our eyes….

 

I maybe losing the remnants of the only last good thing I got left;

Maybe, depression, pain, clouds my judgement….

….but

 

Maybe…

To move on to something better…

I gotta let something, stale, go….

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

moving on, maybe.....

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wolf unleashed

Wolf Unleashed

By jfarrell

 

(loved them old horror films, lon chaney jr, peter cushing..)

 

My 50th birthday was my Lon Chaney Jr. Moment….

Collapsed, out of site,

Behind the kitchen table;

Emerge;

Everytime a bit hairier;

Everytime my teeth, especially my canines (vampire teeth);

A bit longer,

A bit sharper.

 

With each rise above the kitchen table…

More hair, longer teeth, and my clothes more ripped, more shredded…

…it happened…

Thank you

Lon Chaney Jr.

 

I became the Mr Hyde I’ve always waited to become….

And I’m so happy….

It’s the not the evil child raping monster I was expecting….

I CAN play guitar… DAMN…. I can play T’rex, Chuck Berry…

I can jam along with Clapton, Van Morrison, Iron Maiden…

 

I’m far from good… YET… but, damn, I CAN play

And I WILL get better

Like Lon Chaney Jr…

I gonna get more hairy….

I gonna let them teeth grow down to my knees….

Damn, am I gonna get hairy….

Hair alll the way down to my feet….

…..

AHHHHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s my werewolf howl :-)

 

Dr Who got a new regeneration on Xmas Day;

I got mine first ;-)

Author's Notes/Comments: 

always loved them old horror movies

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