feelings

How, And Why?

Folder: 
Outlook

It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

 

 

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

 

Feeding the Flame of Insecurity

As I looked in your eyes

I saw a tiny flicker

As if a small piece of your love for me

Died deep within you

 

A flicker so small

You barely gave it notice

But it blazed like the sun

As it seared my heart

 

I felt my soul shiver

As if your precious gift

Was pulled from body

 

A sickening wave of despair

Passes through me

As I realize your love for me

Will no longer be whole

 

My heart is left broken

And bleeding with regret

Unable to mend the wound

That has been inflicted.

 

Will time heal the damage?

Or will I have to suffer

A slow painful death

As the fire within you

Slowly dies out

 

Shall I continue to fan the flames

That I see still burning inside you?

Or does the fuel for my love

No longer have the capacity to sustain it?

 

I think I shall just close my eyes

And let fate run its course

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mornings

Mornings with you, that's all I really want to do. 
Rainy afternoons, lets go for a cruise.
your hand in my hand. I know you feel it too.
lets stay awake from sunset to sunrise.
 roll over on my side. "come here you got something in your eye."
type of love.
Forehead kisses. really make me miss you.
Damn, it fucks me up.
I thought that shit is too good to be true.
you wanted me, I wanted you.
you got me and... I. got. you.
that a rare find- hard to come by.
lets go for a ride. cruising with her by my side, hand on her inner left thigh.
shes even down for a drive by. 
now that's a woman in my eyes.
could you be here in the mornings? 
love me on my downtime.
lets get high.
 laugh about those guys or that one time.
I know im sorry aint good enough but ill put it to the test cause I love you enough to let you know that I fucked up.
I really do miss those late nights trippin on drugs in the back seat of your Toyota corolla.
I promise you there is no other lover. I am yours to uncover. discover.
lets go for a hike and open up my third eye, connect thru our minds.
fuck you on your side. im on your time.
wake up with you in my arms with the fog rollin up.
pull out the rest of the blunt.
but all I have are the memories of us.
its hard to wake up without you crossing my mind.
im not gonna lie, I miss you all the time.
I guess that's why im writing these rhymes. 
I thought it would go away with time,
but,
here you are.
still on my mind. 
consuming my time. 
you seem to be doing just fine.
 that explains why you never hit me up.
just let me ask, what happened to us?
good morning texts and kissing waking up to not even knowing you.
im sorry I couldn't love you. 
i know you tried, and i really tried, too. 
Im sorry I hurt you.
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It feels like this, though.

Folder: 
365 challenge

 

 

 

It's a please for a tree in a fit of rain,

It's hard work and an always open gate,

It runs into all the corners and is very rarely late.

 

Its the head of a nut tightening the spanner,

It's tall and short all bundled up forever,

It's a long stride and a wheelie if you rev her.

 

It's filling the trough of a crocodile imagination,

It strays and stays even though it shouldn't,

And it's all of that, knowing that you couldn't.






Author's Notes/Comments: 

for the challenge imagination

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Why are my feelings always so dark?

Why are my feelings always so dark?

By jfarrell

 

Why, when something goes wrong,

Do I always go straight to thoughts and feelings of suicide?

I’m sure many have been where I am;

Done nothing wrong and just lumbered

With £800 worth of rent arrears.

And, though I don’t imagine they smiled,

Said “Thank you, guv’nor, shaft me some more”

I do imagine they got on with it;

Sucked it up, went out and paid it all off.

Instead, I just feel down, dark, full of rage

Full of self pity

This new obstacle before me just saps

What little hope and confidence I had

And all I can do is sit down and cry “I give up”

Why?

Why can’t I be like others,

Just suck it up and get on with it;

Find a job, pay off them arrears

Instead I feel I just can’t go on anymore

Why try? They’re only gonna kick me in the teeth again

And tell me to suck it up

I hate this self pity and I hate this anger

Hopefully, one day, a worm will turn

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

good morning, Worm, your honour

Baked potatoes and regret

i long for your comfort 

but dare ask not. 

I long for your attention

but give instead of got. 

 i must escape for sanity

reality crushes too harsh 

so instead i just retreat  

To the bites and Pages 

savoring the comfort, however meek

refusing to ask you

i seek to comfort myself

alone, with baked potato regrets. 

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Deprivation

Folder: 
Haiku

I can't figure out,

My emotions are a mess.

Laugh, cry, scream or die?

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On My Own

Verse 1:

If only you could see

That we're meant to be,

Though, I can make it on my own,

I want you by my side.

'Cause I'll be there

When the world stops.

 

Chorus:
I can find a way home.

I can make it on my own.

If only you'd be by my side,

I cannot make it without you.

If only you'd realize

That I'm the one for you.

 

Verse 2:

All this time,
I've been incomplete without you.

Our hearts are witch each other.

Maybe, I'll find someone

That I'll love unconditionally.

 

Bridge: 

This love that I found again,

I'll cherish our memories

That I thought I had forgotten.

If only you were by my side,

You'd realize my undying love for you.

 

Last-Chorus:
I won't let you go

'Cause babe, you're my poison.

The day we met still

Lingers in my mind.

Your love is my sin. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Song written on American's Thanksgiving. It's about loving someone that does love you but can't admit it yet..

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No Matter Part 2

Verse 1:

They say that fate is what you make of it.

It was destiny that bought us together:

Friendship turned into a romantic relationship;

There's no turning back now.

 

Chorus:

No matter the arguments,

Let's compromise.

No matter the distance,
If it's love, let's keep it going.

 

Verse 2:

 'Cause I love you,

No matter the time,

Until the day I die,

You're my one and only.

 

Bridge:

When the time comes,

I'll take you away from here.

If only you could see that

We belong together.

 

Last Chorus:

No matter what,

I won't hurt you.

No matter what,

I won't let you go so easily.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is inspired by the ending scene (series finale episode) of the tv series: Everwood where Amy confesses to Ephram about her love to him. 

Link to confession: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBrkgBdxjrQ