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With this letter I say goodbye,

As the daylight fades to night,

Tears roll down my cheeks,

Pen trembles in my hand,

My lungs gasping for air,

The monsters under my bed,

The voices in my head,

Hypnotised by the shiny metal,

I feel numb and dead inside,

Totally zombified but without purpose,

Lies and lies that have been said,

Pumped full of chaos,

Traumatised by the outside,

For as long as I can remember,

I have wanted to die,

Feeding off my broken heart and mind,

Despair swirld round like smoke,

Emptiness becoming normal,

Fill my veins with formaldehyde,

The day has finally come,

The day my heart died.

Are you ready for it?

I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.

It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.

Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.

If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.

I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?

I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.

Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.

If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?

If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,

don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”

Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?

Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.

So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.

Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?

Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?

These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority

for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.

You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.

What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.

I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.

Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?

Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me

And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.

But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.

The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.

My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.

Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.

Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.

If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.

Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.

I’ll see you in Hell.

There was a café at the end of the road

where the patio trickled onto the sidewalk

and umbrellas opened like snowdrop petals

allowing only splatters of sunlight to decorate the plates

placed in front of posied forks and clinking glasses.

At noon we sat with people sipping rosé

and nibbling the edges of pastries:

you with your cupcake, I with my

tart. Your mouth full of mischief, you spoke

with your hands to clear my head and

there was something like sweetness

on your fingers. Words sifted between your eyes and 

a token of my innocence saw the sun

when icing stuck to your bottom lip. 

I barely noticed the tremor in your fingers

when you raised your glass to toast the afternoon or

the acidic taste of the powder I wiped off your nose with my thumb.

As real as this is, as real as this feels,

I know it won’t feel really real

until I experience something tangible

like a riot

or being told to wear a star.

There’s a certain appeal to the bruise colored haze at the bottom
of a six-pack. She sits
on the kitchen floor, knees bent
out at acute angles, shuddering shoulder
blades pressing against skin
until the fine human film splits
and she falls – splits down the center

like the bottom of the Colorado mountain valleys we hiked last spring.

The skin of her cheeks would flush in the brisk mornings and I, alone,
learned every shade of tension stretched through her shoulders
when she’d bend
over to wash her hair in the stream.
Like the willow tree bends: graceful

limbs reaching to touch a quivering reflection.

the carpenter

cuts the wood

with a blade clean

sharp straight and

true muscles con-

tract     with measured

constraint this will

be his life’s work

this labour of

l o v e      every-

thing his hand touches    be-comes    a crucifix of sorts    built with blood and sweat and

tears    he loves to work and so he works with love      he has a good eye for beauty they

say    the elegant simple beauty of a carpenter    who himself is weighed and measured

cut and sanded   patiently fashioned   the secrets of the trade   not the son but the father

suspended on a

crucifix of our de-

sign he trades his

labour for a loaf of

bread how he misses

home still hammer

and nail and clamp

and glue the wine

of life his blood

that flows he is

building the king-

dom of heaven un-

awares hammer in

hand he is con-

structing a dream

yet all he knows is

that he is working

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner.

Someone with tattoos

Someone with children

Someone easy

A whore

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner

Someone who would cheat on their husband

Someone who would cheat on their children

Someone easy

A whore

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner

Someone weak

Someone with low self respect

Someone easy

A whore

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner

Someone with no class

Someone with low self esteem

Someone easy

A whore

He chose you because he knew he would never want you. He wanted me but he needed a whore. 

To me and everyone else you were always Alex C.

I fell in love with Alex C.

I married Alex C.

I travelled with Alex C.

I wanted children with Alex C.

Alex C. Told me I was his everything

Alex C. Told me he could never hurt me

Alex C. Told me I was the only one for him

Alex C. Vowed to be loyal to me forever

My Husband Alex C.

Then one day you were Alexander.

I cried because of Alexander

I broke because of Alexander

I lost my love because of Alexander

I have a hole in my heart because of Alexander.

Alexander knowingly hurt me, more than anyone has hurt me in my life.

Alexander did unspeakable things to me

Alexander broke his vows

Alexander gave himself to someone else.

A whore’s lover, Alexander. 

You told everyone you wanted to be Alexander but no one listened. Is that still what you want Alexander?

All I ever wanted was to talk to you,

Make you laugh and smile,

I never thought I would feel this way,

Your smile is brighter than the sun,

Your hugs are warm and comforting,

Your body temperature is like magma,

I longed to make you happy,

Promised each other we would always be there,

Something stirred deep inside,

Like waking a long sleeping dragon,

Feelings started to surface,

I wouldnt let you go,

I couldnt let you go,

You felt like the night sky,

Held my heart when it was breaking,

I tried to hold yours,

Keep you happy,

You helped me heal when times were hard,

I trusted you implicitly,

I gave you all I had,

Just to make you smile,

Just to make you happy,

Just to be your friend,

Im sorry that I wasnt good enough,

Im sorry that I cared,

I hate what has become of us,

The rift in between,

I feel as far away form you as Pluto,

At the furthest orbital point,

You took my heart and broke it,

You did the one thing I asked you not to,

You burnt bridges we had built,

You destroyed my happiness,

Hurt me in ways I never thought possible,

I want to forgive you,

Because I care,

Im just not sure I can,

I let you in,

Deep inside me,

I miss your touch,

I miss the sparkle in your eyes,

I miss your smile,

I miss you,

I feel like a dying star,

Energy that has been expended too quickly,

Rapidly cooling and diminishing,

Solidifying from the outside in,

Fading from something bright,

Becoming part of the darkness,

A solid lump of nothingness.

Te Amo in Aeternum,

Because I have no choice,

Because I cant help it,

Because Im human and I hurt.