Grieving

Einen Augenblick bitte!

Kierkegaard famously once said that "Life must be understood backwards; but... it must be lived forward"


So as I continue to wander blindly forward into the unknown with the faint hope that I will understand it all in the end, I feel the need to take a sobering moment to pause and reflect on my footprints in the sand.

 

'Einen Augenblick' was all that I needed to notice that the moment of clarity I had whilst lying in rehab has all but lost its polish.


The signposts removed, my compass caught in a strong magnetic field, my coordinates intelligible.


That profound clarity I once had now lost as I once again face life blind, stumbling amongst the mess, the fuss and the chaos, on my hands and knees searching for the crumbs..



Or, of course it could just be the PTSD talking...



Author's Notes/Comments: 

After my near death experience in the form of a MVA I had, what I thought was a moment of clarity regarding my purpose in life. 

However after recently losing one of my precious fur children and support animal(s) I have spiralled downwards into a pit of grief and loss. 

We Own Not, Tomorrow

 

 

 

 

A blink, a breath,

A heartbeat away.

We own not, tomorrow-

Nor even, today.

 

Here but only briefly,

A mere moment of all time.

Will we ever grow old?

Or pass away, in our prime?

 

In the grand scheme of life,

It matters not, when or where.

But how we lived in each moment,

Of all our joys, and our despair.

 

So tell them, you love them-

While your heart is still beating,

For we own not, tomorrow,

And today...is so fleeting...

 

 

Who Am I?

I am a shadow, long gone
I am forgotten, disappointments spawn
I am the weeping, in nights silent hour
From society, who savors the sour
I am the dark, stuck within my fears
I am denied, to them and all who hears
I was a dreamer, now hiding within my sleep
From the all of the promises that I can not keep
I am a shadow, long gone

I loved, and I loved you well.
Even after you challenge me hell
I remember, she parted us, you and I
She kissed your cracks, promising you lies
She left you broken, by the dead
But me, I wanted you by my side, to cherish instead




Author's Notes/Comments: 

An old class assignment I digged up.

It was supposed to be more simple and straightforward.

But I remember, I couldn't help myself from twisting it up

 

Which results with this

 

Dear Santa

                      Dear Santa,

      I know I'm a bit old to be writing to you.

 And I know that what I'm asking you,

 is something that is very irrational.

 But you're supposed to be,

 this amazing, magical, all powerful being.

 

      And I have just one wish,

 besides my wish for my crush...

 And this wish, this huge, important,

 forever present, christmas wish,

 is....

 

      Oh Santa, please,

 please, oh please,

 give me back my baby sister.

 

 

      I know it's a crazy wish,

 but it's what I REALLY want!

 Even if she can't come back

 and actually be alive...

I just one more chance 

to talk to my baby girl!

 

Love from me

Moriah

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A Christmas wish letter to Santa, to please, give me more time with my baby sister.

Its not finished...

And although I know this is a crazy, irrational wish... I want it to come true soooo bad!!!

 

Please let me know what you think!

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Don't Cry, I Am Here

Folder: 
9/11 Poems

I know, within my heart and soul
that this has been a hard day,
friends and family, remembering those lost
just trying to find their way.

Millions of tears had been shed
throughout ten years too long,
but in your hearts, try to remember
your loved ones, with a happy song.

Many people had passed on this day
lest we forget them all,
I send my hugs, directly to you
I will be there to catch you, if you fall.

I will give you a shoulder to lean on
if you can't stand on your own two feet,
I am one of many in this world
with loving, open arms, I will greet.

God doesn't want you to cry
He holds your loved ones near,
keeping them safe, in the arms of His love
there is nothing, no longer to fear.

Copyright Cynthia Jones
Sept.11/2011

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Ten years to the day.

On Darker Horizons

Folder: 
Camino

In his mind, faded images of their faces remained;
the terror in their eyes as they were ripped from his arms,
still burned hot within is grieving soul.
In his hands, he could still fee the grip of his children,
as though though they were still beside him, still being taken to safety;
still being protected from the rabid infected.
The shrill cries of suffering and confusion echoed on in his head.
Even tighter, he gripped the hatchet.

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I Am

Folder: 
Baby sister Poems

I am a sister and a friend
I wonder what happens after death
I hear my sister’s words
I see my sister and me from past memories
I want to reach out and hug her
I am a sister and a friend

I pretend I am okay
I feel the pain that I hide
I touch a picture of her face again
I worry that I might never meet up with her when I die
I cry when I think of her
I am a sister and a friend

I understand that she is not here in body
I say things at her grave when I want to tell her things
I dream of having her back by me
I try to live my life
I hope she’ll wait for me
I am a grieving sister and a friend.

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The Fourth Of July

Folder: 
Baby sister Poems

The Fourth of July,
Independence Day for the United States,
commemoration of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence.

A time when fireworks get shot off,
up into the great big sky.
People have fun, get loose, and have a good time.

Isn't that what the Fourth of July is all about?

Well, that may be what others do, but not at all what I do.

No, The Fourth of July isn't a time for celebration for me.
It's the time to sit in my room and cry, scream,
and to grieve over the anniversary of my baby sister's death.

She was only 1 years old,
still had her whole life to live.
But, apparently, that wasn't what was planned for her.

She had a disease, she had cancer, the poor dear.
But she was pretty much the happiest baby in the entire world!

She was always getting new treatments,
treatments that were supposed to be helpful,
treatments that were supposed to save her.

We may not have had the same birthfathers,
but we did have the same birth mothers.
Even though that technically makes us half sisters,
that is not how I view us.

She is my baby sister,
plain and simple,
not that hard to decide that.

I was only 5 years old,
four years ahead of her,
but our bond was still incredibly strong.

When ever she had a bad day,
when my mother came to visit her
in the hospital, she always brought me.

I would go into the playroom,
because I wasn't allowed to go up to the cancer ward,
because I would bring germs up with me.

But the times when she had a bad day,
the nurses taking care of Jessica,
would send word down to the playroom,
and one of the playroom workers would take me up.

I would look at Jessica, and as soon as she'd see me,
she'd get this humungo grin on her face,
and she'd lift up her finger, and point it at me,
and her bad mood would float away.

Anything I did would make her laugh,
especially when I said her name
in a deep deep voice.

This would set her off in the most adorable way,
laughing super hard,
it was so very cute.

But I was at school,
on the fateful day,
when my mother had to make the decision.

The doctors told her, that my baby girl, was brain dead,
the only thing that was keeping her "alive" was the ventilator.

My little baby sister, who I'd had so little time with,
wasn't with us anymore, she was gone.

Mom made the decision, the painful decision,
to let the doctors take her off life support.

They took her off,
and took my baby away!

It's not fair! Not at all!
I never got to tell her goodbye.
I miss my baby sister,
so horribly badly.

I miss her so much that
sometimes it's hard to breath.

My baby sister!
My Jessica!
Oh, my darling Jessica!

I miss her so badly!
I want her back!
Why did she have to leave me behind?!

Why?
Why was she taken from me?
Why?

So, The Fourth of July,
it's nothing for me,
except for the anniversary
of my beloved baby sister!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem is about my baby sister, Jessica. I am adopted, and I have a sister who is adopted also, but from a different family, so we're not blood sisters, but sisters all the same. Our family takes care of foster children, and that's how our mother got us (not my birthmother). It's painful when the babies leave us, but it's helpful for them. Jessica was born 4 years after me, and was just comming into foster care when we got her. My mom took her in because she knew that Jessica was my sister, and felt like it would be a good thing to take her in. It hurts me horribly that she is gone, and I didn't let anyone near her at her funeral (tones of "funny" stories there). I put all her things in her coffin, and only have a few things that didn't get put into the coffin, that are hers.

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Gone Too Soon

Gone so soon from our lives
We weren't ready to say goodbye
Your husband, Your children,your babies one by one
All can't accept you're really gone
We all walk along with our head held up high
But if we look down We would start to cry
When we are all alone there are simple wishes we would make
For the simple thing to make this easier to take
Just one last sound of your sweet voice
One more time to see your face
One last time to kiss that smile
Or hear your laugh just for a while
But now these are memories
And they will have to do
Because we know these wishes won't come true
You left behind so many who loved you
Some aren't as strong as those arms above you
We love you mom
We always will
But now you're now that special angel up on that hill
So please watch over us as you have always done
Because we still need you mom
Your loving
Daughter Husband and Sons

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I lost my mom on Dec 18th 2008. I wrote this for her and it was read at her funeral a week later. It's been a month. And I am still waiting for it's going to get easier part to start.

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