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they say

I’m not supposed to be

split in half

I’m supposed to be

whole on my own

but what if I want to be

cut open

spit out and

you hold me close

waking to an open window

in a city you don’t sleep

and the lights only

flicker on when you’re a match

then I can see them

pull me north

where I can land

without falling

just falling for

another day we can call ours

Life is full

Only when I live it with you.

Love is real

Only when I behold it in your eyes.

Wine intoxicates

Only when I taste it on your lips.

Fire becomes pleasure

Only when I touch it with you.

Cold begets fire

Only when you’re here with me:

When wafts of love begin to soar,

Whispering my endless love for you.

Time is ephemeral

Love is eternal

How Bad Is It To Learn How To Love?

When was the last time that
you have loved and lost,
and truly learn
its real, real cost?

(Utter feelings we kept the most.)

Is there a kind of an exit plan in
this lonesome strife,
something that we'd
cherish through life?

Let, therefore, our choices be
the wisest,
Hoping to see us live it through
the longest

We tend to love the ones we
have loved more (and more),
more so, that we sometimes
have lost control, until no more.

(Utter feelings we kept the most.)

It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

I don't know what to write

or what to say or what to feel.

I want help but I'm too afraid

to show anyone what is real with me.

I can't seem to bring myself to terms

with my thoughts of a different future.

I can't change what I am

but if I could, I don't know that I would.

I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back

I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.

I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you

because you're the worst drug I've ever had.

Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.

Let me have some faith in myself, I might

sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.

Let me feel like I've done something right.

Only the drugs and the alcohol make me

forget where I am, make me forget that I need

them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and

remembering everything and start thinking

about the failure that has given up.

heaven’s on fire and

I am in hell

touch me like that

you are my sin and my salvation

I’d rather be on my knees

so I drown in you

a guilty prayer

like I can’t find the amen

maybe one day this will be our truth

more of a story than anything I’ve ever read

I fit myself into

your skin and your endgame

please tell me here

we do not have to apologize

for what we want

It was a dark and dreary morning

As I walked along the street

Nothing but sullen silence

Besides the clomping of my feet

My neck had given up on

Trying to lift my heavy head

I no longer looked to the future

And chose to watch my feet instead

There was a force similar to gravity

That laid my path without my eyes

The shadows had slipped behind me

Pushed away by the sunrise

The storm cloud that once had stalked me

With it's rain weighing down my head

Had been transformed by the rising sun

And began uplifting me instead

A seemingly endless journey

Down a sidewalk that never ends

That perspective begins shifting

With every inch my head ascends

It is hard to find the sunlight

When the world is a lonely place

But my darkness was left stranded

By the illumination of your face

I’m down, I’m down, I’m down,

And you want me,

Only when I’m stumbling,

Do they seem to want me,

Three points of contact on the window pain,

If I jump I won’t feel no pain,

Pouring my pills down the drain,

The bottle keeping me sane,

I won’t stop until I feel happy again,

Are you down, down, down,

Girl if there is people around just tell me you want me,

Even if the music is loud just tell me you want, tell me you want me,

My feet off the ground,

I don’t know how,

To start coming down,

I wanna give up,

But it costs too much.

I just want you to want, want you to want meee,

And put your hand upon my shoulder,

Pull me down and tell me it’s over,

Because I don’t wanna feel, wanna feel being sober,

And if you don’t hold me safe, it’s gonna be over,

I already see my brains on the pavement,

And I don’t wanna leave the one person I came with…

Yea yea yea,

Down, down, are you for me,

Just tell me you want, tell me you want me.