break up

You Don't Know Me

You poor little porcupine.

It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.

I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.

But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.

 

I cannot pull them out or I would die.

So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little

While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.

 

The future was bright for us.

You couldn’t stand by to let me sink

So you taught me to swim.

I wanted to return the favor badly.

But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.

 

The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.

You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.

You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.

You made every effort to show that you loved me

Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.

 

A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.

The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.

I was working hard and I felt out of breath.

You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.

 

“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.

“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”

Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”

“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”

“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”

“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”

I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.

You made it seem like the world hates me now.

So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.

It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself

If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.

 

I never asked you to help me.

You did so at your own volition.

If you didn’t want to in the first place,

You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”

We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.

 

But here you are.

You called me immature.

You called me a teen in an adult’s body.

You said I never bothered to do my share.

 

But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?

Or better yet, look in a mirror?

You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.

The scholars in my inner circles do.

 

Whose leg are you trying to pull?

My loved ones know exactly what you said.

They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.

If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.

 

I can admit when I am anyway.

You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.

And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.

In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.

It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.

And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.

But I am done with you.

I am done letting your vitriol take up space.

I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.

I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.

My love for you was just practice for the next person.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.

Because I discovered that what you don’t know

Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work

Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.

Experimenting With Space

 

 

 

I loved her once

didn’t I                      fall into her arms

instead of to the floor          didn’t I

forsake bruised limbs for hands grasped to my shoulders

          but

she always loved the blurred black

and blue of worlds pulsing under the skin of her forearms

of her hips and throat and

so she painted herself          hung

on the wall

next to the antique mirror          I stood

back         then

I only had her reflection.

 

 

 

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Malachite Meadows


May sat heavy in my hands like a grapefruit

already starting to spoil. She was
laughing at something over my shoulder

and I knew that if I chanced turning

I'd have to turn back to her
inching further out of my reach. Tonight

we stand at the corner of evening and night and
my heart beats to every pulse of the moths wings

as they wait for the light above our heads

to let them cast shadows

on our faces. My breath comes out in time with the streetlights

blinking on – one by one. The world unravels

to let the dark creep between blades of grass,

turning yards into fields of malachite.

There were great meadows there once, before the houses.

When I moved here we'd roll in the wild flowers,

face the sun no matter the direction it’d take us.

Do you remember? I kissed you then. Now
with the light gone and only the moths to play witness
and our silence to stretch between us,

I turn away.

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Before it happens again

 This shit hurts 

I can’t do it again 

On paper you look perfect 

So I thought we could be friends

The kind that never lie 

And reveal our darkest fears 

Who have each other’s back

And wipe away the tears 

The kind that builds and grows 

Until it turns to love 

Then we sit back and know 

It was sent from up above 

But instead I sit and wait 

Because you’ve gone away 

I never know the fate 

Of every passing day 

It drives me fucking crazy 

How am I not on your mind!? 

I think about you daily 

& and not just because you’re fine

It’s because of how you smile

And how Jesus is your world 

It’s Because of how you talk 

about your beautiful little girl 

I know these things take time, 

And id like space to explore 

Whatever’s on your mind 

To understand you more 

I know this is crazy

Because we’ve barely just said hi

But before I fall too deep alone

I’d rather just say goodby 

 

-Zomi July 2019 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Ode to John

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Simply Forgotten

Can I please stop thinking of you?

Leave my thoughts,

And take my insecurities 

 

What you left in your wake,

As you simply disappeared

 

No words

Nothing

I'm just left to wonder why

 

Fuck this inner ache

Fuck this forever pain

 

I wish you'd come back

Swoop me up

And tell me this is all a joke 

 

I wish I could hold you

Lay on you, or

You could lay on me

 

What did we even have?

Did any of it have meaning?

 

Here I am again

Rambling 

 

Fuck you for hurting me

Fuck you for the gut punch to my heart

 

Thank you for ruining a piece of me

As you remain silent

And I am simply forgotten

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3/23/2018

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Siren From The Depths

Seeing behind your disguise

Facing the truth

Of the evil man you are

Of the turmoil you've caused

 

Your hands around my throat

Asphyxiation

My eyes pop open wide

Fingers feeling numb

 

Justice will be met

No longer are you free

Today is the day

Of judging your character

 

Sail away from your problems

Feel you owe me nothing 

Sense a bit of freedom

But always let a thought linger

 

Of the woman

Half fish

Who never stole your heart

But did steal your soul

 

For I am nothing

But powerful

As I lure you in

With a song

 

Hold onto the bow

But it won't save you 

Your final calling

Unreleased to freedom

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3/23/2018

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Final Stage

Disgust, anger, fear, denial, reason, acceptance, denial, acceptance, effort, total acceptance, disappointment, release, rebuilding. 

 

My love for myself must far exceeded all the misguided love I put in you. 

You were my happy space, my blue sky, my lover, and my confidant. 

But I wasn't your jack of all trades in love. 

For so long you were more important than me, to me. 

Then you hit the eject button on our roller coaster of love.  

To my rose colored glasses just as we were getting to another straight. 

In front of me, a hard, I meaneed diamond to safety scissors hard place. 

Behind me, the rock that held Excalibur. 

I had my hands prime to free that sword for so long...

Little did I know it would soon become the weapon lodged deep into my heart. 

My king of a broken kingdom...How fitting is that title?

I thought I failed my son by allowing his vision of a 2 parent filled home to be snatched away. Should have tried harder but that takes two to tango.

Little did I know I was filling his eyes with deception and terrible renditions of a happy home. 

All bad? No not at all. 

No scars or abuse, as it would seem we just forced a round peg in a square hole at the wrong time stamp.

Trips down memory lane? Sorry we don't go that route anymore. 

You made it look so easy, and that ease killed me even more.

If I am ever to rebuild this dynasty it must be on new ground. 

The foundation we once had turned into a sinkhole the size of the Grand Canyon. 

We constantly defend ourselves against the other until we ended up on the attack without conscience effort. 

No fears my heart is trying to get the grand opening sign back up and lit. 

My mind wants to believe in a world that wouldn't just make me view love from a cage. 

No desperation here I can and will wait on my King! 

Until then I will clean my castle and fine tune my Queenly charm, so that it is ready to greet him royally upon his arrival. 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's alot and it's a bit of babbling, but it's my heart open for display. I loved, lost, and wish to love again one day much later. This is my healing process. 

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Parsimonious

Folder: 
Personal

"So hot headed,

but heavy is the hand

that is kept from raising.

Which,

 

being how soft

the surface below 

it would fall upon,

it is al and well

 

no hand was raised,

indeed,

but there is no praise 

for such common sense.

 

Uncommon men

and situations

make for comics 

and comical accusations,

 

life's a joke

so sometimes I laugh at it,

but this time around

I keep frowning.

 

So here it is,

laid on the table

the meal made,

with much forethought.

 

And in the end,

all it causes is heat,

feet stomping,

no use for a cooler,

 

all around fire is sprayed

and it keeps trying

to catch, 

skin not lit.

 

Whatever the reason,

be it power or to tower above,

stepping in increases rage,

decreases range.

 

Within striking distance,

add more fuel to the fire

burning deep inside,

taught to never lay a finger

 

on the fairer sex,

but the moment tests all control,

reveal, resist,

total consequence in the rearview.

 

SLew of words,

which hold meaning

spoken out of love or anger,

babble dipping into ears

 

is all tuned out;

been inside my head for hours

already.

So you go,

 

but not before raising your own hand,

no pain felt with the blow,

no weight to it.

But damned if the point isn't realized,

 

asked to leave 

only to come once I'm gone,

leaving my abode vandalized.

How dissapointing.

 

An anger so roasting

kept cool with a conversation

with a friend, 

longboarder, car hoarder,

 

keeps one in check

before diving into a bitter 

back-and-forth.

The bitter look

 

thrown with an intense glare

with one more pass,

feeling sick to the stomach,

but if one wants,

 

just ask.

I can be more specific.

Penurious of kindness,

parsimonious of respect."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Parsimonious, not to insult anyone's intelligence, is to be stingy; to be witholding (usually of money). Something that you have, but decide not to give, or spend, or show. Being parsimonious is a common reaction to many a great painful events in our lives. But maybe it shouldn't be. For once.

Do you want...

Do you want..

Do you want me to tell you I miss you?

Do you want

Do you want me to say my heart is in pieces?

Do you want

Do you want me to tell you its hard to breathe?

Do you want

Do you want me to tell you I will never forget you?

I won't

 

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