society

So Rich So Poor

I was once so god damned rich
Might be hard to understand
To have anything you wish -
No matter how large or grand

For many years I did own
In the heart of Beverly Hills
The very loveliest home
With all the finest of frills

Two acres and twenty rooms
Silk sheets gold plated brooms
Maids drivers and every tool
My life was easy and very cool

Then came the financial fire
Of two thousand and eight
I lost everything but my ire
For I saw the truth too late

Endless dominos were falling
Mandelbrot’s fractal chain
With human voices calling
In choruses of deep pain

I had my share of dominos
And debt to crooked banks
So I suffered mighty throes
And to them give no thanks

The descent was immediate
The depression hard to stop
It seemed that nothing fit
And everything was locked

Irony - pair of dice in human hand
I say looking down at Beverly Hills
Earning cash - giving sexual thrills
In the back of some stranger’s van

You say it could not happen to you
You are too smart - or this or that
But if it did - what would you do
To deal with the new set of facts

Could you - would you - should you
Where - how - when and how much
Who with - what’ll you have to do
And will you ever again find luck

There are so many questions
When you are totally broke
And too many indiscretions
Before it’s all writ and spoke

I was once so god-damned rich
And now I am so damned poor
If it wasn’t for those I’d miss
I’d say - I don’t want any more

Cold

Cold

By jfarrell

 

I got no real concept of what really bloody cold is;

I’ve lived in London all my life;

Moscow, the Artic, Alaska…

They know what cold is.

 

Couple of weeks ago,

Washington had a windchill of -73….

So cold people died from heart attack,

Just because it was cold.

 

Here, in London,

I haven’t felt “warm” in months…

In thermal vest and long-johns,

Since October.

 

I’ve heard, often, Washington/New York weather comes our way,

6 weeks, 2 months later?

I don’t know if that’s true

But, I’m scared the coldest of our winter is still to come.

 

I’m scared of the cold to come,

I’ve no idea how I’ll cope with it;

But, at least I’m lucky enough to have a roof over my head;

Many have not, and I still remember my days homeless, long ago.

 

On the bright side…

It seems some councils have found a way to end homelessness;

By making it a criminal offence to sleep on the street in a sleeping bag;

And private residents, by putting spikes in doorways, to stop sleepers.

 

Hot cup of tea, safe hostels for the homeless…

Not ones full of gangs and drugs…

Might be more helpful…

But, what do I know, I’m a drunk.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hate the cold, sorry

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Social mobility

Social mobility

By jfarrell

 

1970’s I grew up on council estate;

Drunk violent parents;

Raped by uncle at 5;

Beaten up by everyone that knew me.

 

Mum poured vodka down my 8 year old sister’s throat,

And dumped her on stairs when she passed out…

That’s why I got taken into ‘Care’ when I was 11;

A children’s home, a place of safety.

 

My keyworker grooming me for abuse….

….reallly, the illegal, hardcore pornography magazines?….

….

And nada di naada di nada….

Nothing…. nothing matters

 

 

Social mobility….?

Aspirations? Dreams? Being better?…..

I was born in to a scumbag home, to be a scumbag….

 

Nothing has always been my future, my destiny;

Social mobility…

I’m still here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And at 50

 

The pain paid to me I haven’t paid back….

However much I wish to turn on my chain saw

And fill my hunger,

My neeed, desire for vengeance, rightfulness…

 

Social mobility?

Huh?  

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

you lived in a sceptic tank? you were lucky! 25 of us had to live in shoebox int middle of road - monty python classic

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Care

Care

By jfarrell

 

At noon my ‘parents’ went on strike;

Children’s home, NALGO union…

National strike…

Nothing to do with us…

The children in care.

 

They walked out at noon.

The ‘Suits’ came round;

Council officials…

“We have to move you.”

 

My younger sister…

Boarding school in Wales….

Me… only space we got is borstal…

“SORRY! NO! NOT MOVING!”

 

Throughout the afternoon - police amassed;

Helmets, riot shields, batons….

That ONE police van….

Rocking, with muffled barking…

 

A dark grey freezing cold afternoon quickly became….

Dark, overcast, scary….

I saw that van open and all I saw was…

Teeth, hungry teeth, million dogs gonna eat me, bite me, hurt me….

 

I ran…..

Didn’t know where to, just away from here…

My breath misting in the air….

So cold….

Smell of burning….

It’s nearly guy fawlkes night….

What do you expect?……

 

The ashes floating past me

Were my CSE ‘A’ s …..

My education, my future,

Racing ahead of me in the freezing cold night.

 

I didn’t know….

And if I did,

Was there anything I could do?

15 years old, my children’s home going up in flames.

 

this is CARE!

For a political dispute….

I cut myself off from my family, forever;

And didn’t see my future burn as I did it.

 

I was just scared and running away from the dogs;

35 years later….

I’m not a meaningful, productive member of society;

I phone my sister her birthday, she phones me mine;

That’s it!

 

At 11 I was taken into ‘Care’;

“the Care of the State”.

Knowing why I, and my sister, were here…..

They still went out on strike…

 

Has the ‘Care System’ changed since then?

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my children's home was not burned down, but a lot of fires were started, no idea who by, i was gone

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Lucky

Lucky

By jfarrell

 

Me, I’m lucky;

I still gotta roof over my head (just);

Unlike the several poor souls I passed;

Wrapped in cardboard, in shop doorways

 

On my way home from work;

At 3am;

With last night being so cold and wet as it was;

I may forget it often, but I am

 

Lucky.

 

Even luckier than the chief executive,

Who’s getting £90 million bonus, this year;

So much responsibility;

All that money.

 

Seriously; I’d drink it, maybe buy a toy, and get bored with it;

The dude who is getting it… why…

He’ll use the money - new house, cars, holidays;

He’ll spread it around, recirculate it.

 

Lucky.

 

I do what I can; couple quid here, cup of coffee there;

On £7.50 an hour (£8.50, if I get a ‘rich’ booking)

There’s too many for me to feed.

But, I do what I can.

 

The difference between me and that executive?

He’ll buy things, spread it around; more people would benefit;

I’d drink it, and still only give a few quid here and cup of coffee there;

I may have a ‘good’ heart, but I’m a drunk.

 

Luckiest.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i've kknown sleeping on the streets - i'm lucky and i don't wanna go back there, and my heart cries out to those who have to sleep out tomight, in this weather

Out to Lunch

Out to Lunch

By jfarrell

 

You see….

 

I pass you your fries and burger and grab your drink;

But, I am so not here;

Sorry.

 

Arms, legs…. other bits…

All auto pilot; sorry;

Like Clark Kent stuck in the phone booth

You don’t see me;

You see what’s left behind.

 

As I give you your diet cola with extra ice…

 

I am in some imaginary battleground;

Orcs, dragons, dinosaurs, elves;

Humans…. ATTENTION, lunch is served;

Diving in and out of foxholes;

Crawling low as I can through muck;

Tossing a few fragment grenades

And commanding my pet dinosaurs to flank the enemy;

Having a dwarf’s axe bury itself so close to my head

I no longer the long haired rocker I was,

But being a skinhead seems to make me look tougher

The alliance run from me in terror…

 

“so, 2 burgers, 3 small fries, and 4 colas (1 with with extra ice)….”

 

BUGGER!!! THAT HURT!!!!

Where did the dragon come from?

Cheating putin-paid-russian- better than us European players (maybe?)

If you believe we lose Alterac Valley so much,

Because Alliance are all Russian hackers….

I dunno, maybe horde is really that bad.

Let’s be honest….

We wanna chop someone’s head off now,

Not waste 10 minutes discussing tactics…

 

“that’ll be £12.58… any doughnuts?….

Or our vanilla triple whipped cream, crammed with goodies, milkshake, on special offer…..

 

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horde win again

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

WE ROCK

 

“Thank you sir, would you like a receipt?

And, please enjoy the game.”

With a big shiney smile as I hand you your receipt and change;

And….

Move on to the next customer.

 

If it is YOU I am serving,

I am SO sorry, I mean no discourtesy or disrespect;

I am out to lunch

And have been a very, very long time.

 

And all my battles have a rocking sound track;

From the earliest blues, I am THE Crossroads;

To “take my hand;

Off to never-never land”

 

The “blues brothers” tell me, I’m guilty;

And sting says “we’re starting up a brand new day.”

Dire straits gave me a six-blade knife (my secret weapon);

And

“two thousand zero zero, party over,

“we’re out of time”.. Prince is a LEGEND (sorry)

 

I hand the next customer his hotdog, with extra stuff on top;

Sorry, but, I not here;

Out to lunch… please leave a message at the beep

And, enjoy your stay :-)

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

since i started writing poems recently and putting them here....

Stephen has really encouraged me a lot

i just wanted to say thanx :-)

and i hope you all enjoy the music :-)

 

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Proper homelessness

Proper homelessness

By jfarrell

 

As I go about, I see two faces of homelessness;

My local area, Walworth Road…

Man with accordion; 20 metres on, old woman with scarf;

Another twenty metres man with accordion again;

That’s gotta be gangs, right?

 

Three o’clock in the morning;

Rain, sleet, minus three degrees;

Wrapped in cardboard boxes

In shop doorways;

They gotta be proper homeless, right?

 

I’ve been homeless a few times;

Slept in doorways, subways, park benches;

Sleeping bag my coat and blanket;

Can’t stay dry, can’t stay warm;

All I possess in one bag.

 

And I never want to be homeless again, that’s for sure;

If you are homeless, you won’t be reading this, but….

Please stay warm and survive! Things can get better;

Folks reading this… please spare a thought;

And old blanket and a warm cup of tea would be a lifesaver, too.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i keep hearing this winter will be the coldest for a long while, it's literally gonna be murder on the streets this winter

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Oh, Holy Sausage Roll

Oh, Holy Sausage Roll

By jfarrell

 

(“who should be more offended; Christians, Muslims or vegetarians?” James O’Brien, LBC presenter)

 

I can imagine Jesus, Mohammed and Jaweh

All wetting themselves laughing to this;

Passing round a cheese pasty;

Jesus laughing so much, he snorts his coffee up his nose.

 

“It’s blasphemy, I’m boycotting Gregg’s”;

And the ones who say….

“they wouldn’t take the mick out of Islam, like they do Christianity”;

You really want Christians beheading sausage rolls?

 

Forgiveness is what is supposed to make your beliefs different;

Turning the other cheek, joining in and having a laugh;

Please guys, it’s not the messiah, it’s a sausage roll;

Get upset about something important.

 

All that good energy, gone to waste,

Complaining about a pasty;

It’s madness.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

blessed sausage roll, forgive us our sins; like too much cake and sherry this xams :-)

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My Thoughts (4th Edition)

Folder: 
2017

 

 

As the days and nights go by, I see through the window where

my days go by. I see a new future for me, but somehow I am blocked from the
window being open and my spirit going Free. Somehow my arms are not “strong” enough
to open the window.
I know that I will eventually get there; but at the moment I am unsure.
The last time I wrote a “My Thoughts” Essay; I was then questioning my friends,
life, and religion which was about 17 years ago. Today I question “myself” on
“who am I?”
I have been for several years now and yet my answers have been unknown.
I still wonder on who I am to be honest. On what is my purpose in life &
society; etc. But I have yet to figure that one out.
I question those around me, through me, beyond me, and those next to me.
I question that both in front and behind me as well as beneath and above.
Where ever I look; I see the unknown which consists of many empty hallways with
no doors beyond that of which is behind me.
I walk down the never ending walls; but I see no light at the end, but also no
light behind me.
If I do see a door; I open it and all I see is emptiness. I close the door and
the hallway I once stood becomes a different hallway I don’t recognize.
Each hallway I re-enter is different. And again I start questioning about Life,
Friends, Happiness, and Religion.
I know who my friends are and I know they care a lot about me as I do with
them; but there are times I feel emptiness and I don’t do enough credit to go
out and be with them. Mostly because I work almost seven days a week and I miss
out on many many things with them and beyond both jobs.
I worry that I have been sinking into the rabbit hole a little too fast but at
the same time I take two steps forward with three steps back.
And when I see I am taking three steps forward, it feels like I double in steps
at times.

I miss my old self. But due to both jobs, it is hard to see myself enjoy life.
All I do is move forward too fast and not wait and take a breather. But when I
do, it is only for a few minutes and then I go back to the same routine. *sigh*

As I continue to write about my thoughts....

I can never understand why people talk to one another and then rumors spread to
the point where others talk behind ones back. I thought it be a secret, but I
was wrong!!
A friend that I trust told me someone talks behind your back and then it hit me
right away who. And a day it made me think while I was working on why would
that person tell another on how a certain topic is what is considered hitting
on them. No, I was just having a random conversation, but this person thinks otherwise...
This person thinks he/she knows me; but this person has no idea what I am
really going through. This person does not know my inner thoughts; but prayers,
my “what if’s”, etc. Only knows what I have told that person.
Yea, stupid of me to share much of my information; but I tend to do that to
many people and always feel back stabbed when others find out.
I doubt this people knows all of my other crushes which I don’t tell others
about because it is a “need to know” basis which is why I do not want to ruin
many many friendships in the process. But since I already know their answers;
it is best for me to keep those secrets deep within myself and to keep quiet.
It is for the best and for others not to know.
This is why we all have secrets hidden in our day to day basis. Just like “The
Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. We all have those secrets.
Some want to become super heroes; while others want to be a simple Joe. Maybe we
don’t want to be that that we want to become, but that who we wish to be even
if it takes decades to get there.
Life is not as easy as one thinks it is; but many take short cuts to get there
even if they are considered the “best”, while nice ones are left at the end of
the line or chosen last. We are hardly ever given second chances and when we
do; we are cut. Yet those that are finished “First”, are only given a slap on
the wrist and are usually asked not to do it again.
Life I know works in mysterious ways; but at the same time, life is unfair too.
Every day I question myself, but I also question my friends, myself, my
surroundings, even if we live in the Matrix. Do we really or is it just a
figment of one’s imagination?
Also to this day, I still wonder if anyone has had a crush on me because I know
many have thought that both I was weird and some even today still think I am
weird anyways. (Even if I am, but you get the picture). I have been told many
times that I will find someone “soon”, but define the word, “soon”? That could
lead to different levels in everyday life as in a week, month, years, or even
decades. I am starting to lose hope to be honest. This makes me go deeper into
being alone, solitude and staying home all day or even working even more.
I never had that opportunity of hanging out with friends many times. And if I
did, it was always “them” being the ones to pick. If I had to pick, they didn’t
like it and suggest something different. I know these times happened fourteen
years ago; but at times it still happens because is why when I
“travel/site-see”, I rather travel alone then with others. If I do “tag” along,
I usually stay quiet.
Of course, I don’t deny about the fun times that I do have with those that I
trust and am friends with; but at times I feel like a third wheel sometimes.

I also don’t understand why people are constantly calling out or late to jobs,
meet ups, etc. I at times I understand if you forgot your alarm clock or if
there is traffic; but constantly should not be “excused”. When you are out on
your own and need to pay bills, pay rent, etc; one needs to be a responsible
adult and “grow up”; but I feel some take the easy road and do not become
responsible “enough” to life, work, etc. Sorry, but getting drunk constantly is
not what being an adult is all about. I know I have become an “old man” as to
what some friends say, but I pay all my bills on time, I am always at work on
time, and I hardly call out. Yet these people only get a “slap” on the wrist
and those are indeed on time, they get fired or written up. I know, Life ain’t
fair!

Why I never understood is why those that cheat the system only get slapped on
the wrist while those that follow the rules by the book are either written up
or fired? As it is said, “the good ones always finish last”.  This is what I feel at times. I understand I
am “weird”, as many see me that way. I won’t deny it; but at the same time,
some will not listen to me if I ask them to do something. As if I am brushed
off the shoulder or transparent.
I know, life ain’t fair; but at the same time; those don’t make life easy
either for others.
I always see that if a team player calls out, the team loses at the end of the
day and the team may become weak as well. But if the team is at full strength
and they win the game.

All this may be all mumble-jumble, but I write as what comes out of my mind and
onto paper.

And as my mind continues to talk as I stress almost each day... I continue to
think many many questions about my life, my family, my friends, both my jobs,
and most of all.. My future spouse if I ever wonder if I will have one. I know
I stress and think too much about it; but I feel that at times I will be
“forever alone”. From which this has led to my loneliness thoughts, depression,
etc. I know I should be positive about it; but sadly I do not. Which is also
why I have no “outside” life or social life since I work too much.
Back when I was in New Jersey, I sort of had more control, but not as much
really... I met with only a few and even they had busy lives; so in reality, I
hardly ever went out to begin with (as I have mentioned it above before
already). My social life is zilch. Yes, I do have an online social life and I
have met with several friends from work outside of work; but beyond that, I do
not have no outside friends since I have moved to Texas (excluding those that I
met via my past). Because sometimes I do not even know where to start. Don’t
get me wrong, I do, but I am not a bar type of person, I’m too old for clubs
(yes, I am too old in my own eyes); and my “so-called” pick-up lines are
horrible since I am sure every women has heard them before.
I know people should just say, “Hello, I am....”, but I am not brave enough for
that.
Yes, I am nearing Forty, and I am both shy & a coward to women. I understand
it is not something to be proud of, which I am, but I have come to see it
several times.
People always wondered on why I am still unmarried to this day since I flirt
all the time with customers (for good customer service; and I am not denying that
either) , and have liked countless of women in my life, and I cannot seem to
last more than three years with relations; but honestly, I am scared to go
beyond. :-/ Because I am not able to fulfill my destiny and I throw back myself
into looking desperate and that is when women think I am a weird/creepy guy.
And I have come to accept it at times, sadly.
Unsure what I am doing wrong too. People have told me I should change the way I
act, think, present myself, how I dress or even get a new haircut. But that is
not me or who I am. I am just a simple “joe” at times. I am Me... or where I have
placed it in another way, “I am who I am and therefore I am”.
As a ride at one of my jobs, there is a plaque that reads, “You are more
powerfull then you will ever imagine!” (yes, I know “powerful” is misspelled).
I wish that was true at times because then I hope that for a better &
brighter “Me”.

I am sure one day I will be able to find many answers to the following
questions: “Who am I?”, “Why I am here?”, “What do you see?”. But for now, I
hope someone can hear my thoughts & prayers other than God himself when I
try to talk to him (I know he is always listening; but at times I feel ignored
because I know millions are always asking for thousands of question throughout
the entire day 24/7/365.
So as I lay on my bed, in my car, at my jobs’ breaks, I wonder what Life lies
beyond the rim, the stars, the galaxy, life in general and I will wonder what
my next chapter in life, careers, etc are tomorrow and the next day as I embrace life to the
fullest and dream in my sleep and looking forward for a new day, each day since
every day is Day One always because I know between Family, Friends, and
Coworkers, I see that “We Built On Each Other” (from Lego Clutch Powers) to
succeed in life!!

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A new and updated version from my previous "My Thoughts" short essay I wrote back in 2000 which three "updates" from it.  Decided to write a new & fresh one from scratch with 'similar' ideas from the previous one.

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