Anxiety

You Don't Know Me

You poor little porcupine.

It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.

I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.

But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.

 

I cannot pull them out or I would die.

So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little

While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.

 

The future was bright for us.

You couldn’t stand by to let me sink

So you taught me to swim.

I wanted to return the favor badly.

But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.

 

The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.

You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.

You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.

You made every effort to show that you loved me

Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.

 

A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.

The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.

I was working hard and I felt out of breath.

You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.

 

“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.

“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”

Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”

“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”

“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”

“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”

I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.

You made it seem like the world hates me now.

So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.

It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself

If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.

 

I never asked you to help me.

You did so at your own volition.

If you didn’t want to in the first place,

You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”

We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.

 

But here you are.

You called me immature.

You called me a teen in an adult’s body.

You said I never bothered to do my share.

 

But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?

Or better yet, look in a mirror?

You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.

The scholars in my inner circles do.

 

Whose leg are you trying to pull?

My loved ones know exactly what you said.

They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.

If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.

 

I can admit when I am anyway.

You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.

And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.

In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.

It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.

And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.

But I am done with you.

I am done letting your vitriol take up space.

I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.

I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.

My love for you was just practice for the next person.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.

Because I discovered that what you don’t know

Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work

Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.

Draw Your Pen

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

The time to pursue your dreams is right now.

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

There’s no waiting. It’s time to go.

 

What’s wrong? What’s the matter?

Are you alright? Please talk to me, okay?

 

Did you lose your home again?

Are your parents disowning you?

I’m here for you only if you let me in.

 

I cannot guide you, but I will be along for the ride.

They cannot put strings on you forever

If you find the scissors to cut them.

Your passions are only for you to decide.

 

Life on Earth could end tomorrow so why the fuck are you wasting your time?

You were born for adventure so you might as well draw your pen.

 

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

The time to pursue your dreams is right now.

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

There’s no waiting. It’s time to go.

 

There’s one thing that you need to know;

It’s to always keep an open mind.

You will possess such beautiful magic

If you would only take a chance.

 

The universe is so much bigger than we realize.

The sun will not last forever. It’s just a fireball that can burn out.

Marine life is going extinct and it’s all our fault.

 

Life on Earth could end tomorrow so why the fuck are you wasting your time?

You were born for adventure so you might as well draw your pen.

 

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

The time to pursue your dreams is right now.

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

There’s no waiting. It’s time to go.

 

PTSD

Who hit replay

Shut it off

No not today

Life can be rough

Enough is enough

 

The past is passed

so why must it last

This loop in my head

I constantly dread

 

Who hit replay

Shut it off

No not today

Life can be rough

Enough is enough

 

PTSD is not for me

PTSD must cease to be

Got to get it out of my head

These thoughts that I have come to dread

keep playing over inside my head

 

Who hit replay

Shut it off

No not today

Life can be rough

Enough is enough

Author's Notes/Comments: 

PTSD...we all have it in our own way...we need to stop letting it get the best of us...so much time wasted on things that cannot be changed and need to be forgotten...permanently erased...learn whatever lessons from it and move on and keep living and learning...easier said than done but thoughts to ponder nonetheless...you are not alone. Keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep living life to the fullest...take nothing for granted....be greatful...Focus on the positive.Peace.

Me on Who I am and the Fear of a Commitment (Short Essay)

Folder: 
Short Essays

As I watch “Spider Man – Far From Home” – I think to myself how Spider Man is just your “neighborhood spider man” as Peter Parker states and he seems to not wanting to be a popular guy like Tony Stark was….

 

Then I got myself thinking… as I was people on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, etc... (just to name a few social media outlets) … I see constantly several people to become “Insert Social Media Outlet” Famous.

 

As a kid, yea, I wanted to be well known, popular, named for something that I may have done.  But each time, my anxiety hits me as I grow older.  And now that I am in my 40s, I continue seeing this.  People say I am good at ____, while says I am a strange/weird/creep guy (or something else along those lines).

 

Which then leads me to more anxiety and/or depression.  Sometimes it makes me wonder if I really want to be “TikTok” Famous (and on YouTube as well), have a TikTok Crush/Wife/Husband or something… because I constantly see always people that have TONS of time into making videos and make me wonder where they fit all this into.  Where as me with two jobs…  I am just a ‘plain joe’ (if that is what you want to call it) with no extra time, money, or specialty into making some of these awesome videos people create.

 

I do have friends who are indeed “TikTok Famous” and they are awesome people, but what gets me upset is that they are mostly women… Men these days is what ruins a good “romance” for people.  Most are perverted desperate beings who enjoy simply sending women D* Pictures… do they even think before acting thinking that the women will enjoy it or are, they just horny individuals who just want all women no matter their race?  These type of men (and some women too) are what disgust me about the human race when it comes to Human Interacting/Social Lives (excluding Religion, Politics, and the Environment because those are a whole different world in my book).

 

Have people lost track on how to become courtesy any more to one another?  When it comes to driving (turn signals), giving ladies the pass first (even if I have been called “sexist”… uh????), being patient to one another, saying “thank you, you are welcome”, “sir, ma’am, miss, buddy, folks, ladies because people clearly do not know how to formally present them selves to people the old fashion way (which I cringe each time people say, “Hey Guys” or “Ya’ll” (sorry Texan Friends).. I just do not think that is proper English.

 

But that is all getting away from the main point here…

My point here is that simply and I just am a “simple joe” and nothing else… I really do not want to get big famous, or any kind of famous; I just want to be known for something that I am good at instead of being called weird names, negativity on me, etc (because as an adult, I know I have become a victim of it where people have talked to me behind my back… they may think I just “brush” it off, but what they do not think of is what lays within me and how much it shatters me.  Even if I try to hide it from every one.

 

Getting off topic again about life…. What eats me up all the time is all the crushes I got on people and yet I cannot tell any of them  (some know who they are, other do not know, while others I am unsure about, but unknown if I want them to know or not... some are in Mexico, others are in New Jersey, Texas, or even not only in other States of the USA, but also in other countries as well... and also different ages from mid-20s to mid-40s) that I like them because I feel that will ruin my friendship and be placed in the “Friendzone”… That is the sucky part of life (I understand).  But for someone to stop talking to me because I entered that “Friendzone” makes me wonder if they were really ever a good friend to me or not.  Because I know as of lately, I have pushed some of them away a little over the course of years, months, and even weeks… so I am also part of that guilt too.  So makes me to differ, were they really worth telling these people or was it really not to and to keep it as a secret instead.  Some of these are all part of the Mysteries of Life!  Sometimes I want to go with my gut feeling and accept denial.  But other times I really do not want to and just accept the answers to life knowing that I already know the answer as well, even if I do not know the answer unless asked.  But at the same time makes me rather be placed in the “Friendzone” and then be forgotten as I have been so many times. And I move on with my life to a better me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Since I am entering my 40s, I ponder more about Life these days as I continue my single Life... Sometimes I want to be with someone to die old with, but sometimes I am afraid of commitment and living the single life...   Which is why my latest poem and this short essay reflect on my well being of myself.  And trying to keep myself as healthy as possible too.

View moscadini's Full Portfolio

Dramatic tunes

Dramatic tunes play in my mind

as I wait in bed for your replies

Took a trip, tried to listen to

A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

But boy, I really should take note

that 1975 was never the year

that the internet was born 

then lives got weird

 

Dramatic tunes swirl in my mind

Nauseating and mesmerizing, all at once

I trace all the pieces I could find

to draw the image that may resemble you

and draft the letters I could think of

but never would I send to you

 

Dramatic tunes leech on my mind

Trying to design my last demise

The nothingness on their side,

churning violence all coincide

 

Dramatic tunes play in my mind 

As I wait for your replies 

The darkness would soon arrive

here and hear my last goodbye

The flock of crows are closing in

Floating just three feet above

But then I feel my eyes flinch

As the phone buzzed

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about the anxiety you have when you're not sure someone's still interested of you or not anymore. 

Lost In An Anxiety Dream

The dream, an early morning awakening.

 

Past and present merge.

 

I’m in an unfamiliar place,

 

Staring at a concrete intersection,

 

Searching for known landmarks,

 

Trying to establish which way to go.

 

Each road leads to confusion.

 

Isolation.

 

Echoes of childhood have vanished for ever,

 

The familiar buildings replaced by office blocks,

 

And I stand alone by the crossroads, lost and without purpose.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I have always had a keen interest in dreams and what they tell us. 

View lozzamus's Full Portfolio

just do it

Take down the veil and let folks see

Once inside i am empty

of all the things i once faught

the very devil has been caught


So who am i left here to live

a being of when and only if

things go well and i perservere

through this purely abstract fear.


View wrennie's Full Portfolio
tags:

I'm broken

Hope for me i will be okay

From the start of each new day

Hold my hand so i won't falter

In the quest that i cant alter


See inside is only fright

not the urge to have a fight.

I need to learn not to worry

About all those folks in a hurry


Life has it's own ups and downs

that cause us all to wear a frown

But it will never be as bad 

as when i was so young and sad


I need to remember things have changed

That i have grown and yet remained

Here in life i wont give up

At the feast i'll get to sup


It's taken time to get this far 

But now it's time to raise the bar

hold on to your guts you'll be fine

telling folks so that they know to define


As i'm not of the ordinary sort

For me everything is so fraught

Because of a broken switch inside

that makes me want to run and hide


So i will not allow myself to overthink it

Whats inside is a broken instinct

Instead i will just take a breath

Think it through in shallow depth


Did they really want to hurt you?

The people folks all around you

I don't think they even care

even if they do stare


So bear with me it may take a while

for me to just bear a smile

I've done very well to even be here

To be so social is very rare


Everyone around you is kind

stop searching you'll never find

What it is causing this dread

That starts as i get out of bed


I feel powerless when it grips me

A pawn in mine owned lifetimes journey

To FIGHT? or FLEE? that is the question

Constantly asked to my distraction

View wrennie's Full Portfolio

Shattered Heart

We thought it was LOVE

When we busted the facade

I learn it was lusted affair

I only wanted to win your affection

Yet you pin me as imperfection

I rush the the threshold, pausing at the gate

Heart rate pounding, your hate rising

This angry tide consuming, pushing me further

I want off this insane ride of yours

 

Our luck is fucked

I look down at my phone, silent now

The shattered screen, like my busted heart

All bucked up, cracked

You did a number on me

Your mean love made my spirit lean

 

Cleaning you out of me

Rattle my beans

As I battle the poison

You breed in me

The greed of your kisses

I piss myself when you hit me

Now I hiss your name in vain

I wouldn't play your game

So now I drop my cape

Tape my busted heart

 

Heal best as I can

Peel off the exhaustion

I cannot rest

My chest constricting

Anxiety at head lights behind me

I asked for kindness, not blindness

Rightfully, that would be love

 

What was our marriage

What was our dream

I scream at the greyness

Smashing the madness

The badness, ripping your hooks out

Now I look at my cracked screen

Reminding myself what is left of my heart