Anxiety

state of mind//world of body

Folder: 
2021

and then there are the days

that are no more than impossible

they feel like something the world wrote down for me

as an outline or a moral

I should treat them as experiments-

if I can write this word I’ve made my own day

if I can make this doorway I’m coming home

 

wrestling with my mind as if

it is the one that belongs to me

I can almost hear the laughter

silly little girl

she thinks she knows what she’s doing

she thinks she knows who she is

and that autonomy isn’t a rope

I will rip out of her hands

as the seconds slip by

and she realizes how wrong this is going

 

I still miss you as much as I miss who I could have been

I know there has to be a state of mind

somewhere,

like when I stop moving and my body

disconnects,

a place I can’t feel this

//

there are the days

I have a mind that is taken over by these arms this heart this monster of a skin

sex with you is deliberate

a pattern we pick out

and is it too much to ask

to not want to know you’ll want me tomorrow

so it can come as a surprise

so something strikes deep in my chest

when you walk this way

and I don’t have to call it regret

 

I don’t think I know the way to make someone want

and I keep losing the way with you

leaving pebbles and pepper and heartache every place I think I should kiss

letting my eyes wander and losing my center of balance

I leave already in lust with you

I have all of the burning but none of the rules

no compass for this world of body

//

I want to be someone’s bright and someone’s story

I reach out to every hand and dust slips through my fingers

I don’t think I know the way to separate my mind from what holds it

to carry myself the right way and still carry these thoughts

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 6/26/21

View tallsquirrelgirl's Full Portfolio

Scratch (January day 30)

when no one is here

all the words slip through the cracks inside me

gray matter turning toward the light

 

and you would think

I should love my brain for that

but there are too many unwelcome visitors

that have named it as their walls

 

you are still scratching me but you don’t have claws

I can feel the scars I don’t have yet

like they’re the only way I will survive

 

silver linings found on gold-plated lies

if this is the only thing I ever know

I will never wear that jewelry again

 

you said no strings attached?

well

now I am tied up and choking

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/30/21

silver linings found on gold-plated lies

View tallsquirrelgirl's Full Portfolio
tags:

Urban Air

 

 

The urban air weighs heavy on my chest

like my hand when I try to press my anxieties back

into my sternum. Outside the blue jays call to each other

in a pitch that leaves my fingers pressing to my temples

as I try to stop the throbbing that pulses with every beat of my heart.

This used to come easy;

my fingers relishing in the tactile press of the keyboard

would lull me like a baby gently rocked in its father’s arms.

My father held me more than my mother —

or at least that’s what I remember.

Bipolar is genetic. Did you know that?

I am different than she is. A different type.

     More subdued.

          Second string.

If you stare through the screen your eyes will focus

on the squares caging you from the vines creeping up the window

     panes,

          but it won’t save you

from the smell of the neighbors smoker

that makes you hunger for the food beyond the fence.

There the songbirds serenade each other

like the waves do to the sand. My ankles

ache for the steady rhythm of the water to soothe my heartbeat,

the salt air to expand my lungs,

the vastness of the Atlantic

to steal away the panic burrowed between my ribs.

 

 

View c.locke's Full Portfolio

You Don't Know Me

You poor little porcupine.

It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.

I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.

But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.

 

I cannot pull them out or I would die.

So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little

While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.

 

The future was bright for us.

You couldn’t stand by to let me sink

So you taught me to swim.

I wanted to return the favor badly.

But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.

 

The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.

You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.

You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.

You made every effort to show that you loved me

Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.

 

A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.

The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.

I was working hard and I felt out of breath.

You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.

 

“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.

“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”

Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”

“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”

“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”

“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”

I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.

You made it seem like the world hates me now.

So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.

It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself

If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.

 

I never asked you to help me.

You did so at your own volition.

If you didn’t want to in the first place,

You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”

We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.

 

But here you are.

You called me immature.

You called me a teen in an adult’s body.

You said I never bothered to do my share.

 

But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?

Or better yet, look in a mirror?

You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.

The scholars in my inner circles do.

 

Whose leg are you trying to pull?

My loved ones know exactly what you said.

They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.

If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.

 

I can admit when I am anyway.

You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.

And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.

In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.

It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.

And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.

But I am done with you.

I am done letting your vitriol take up space.

I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.

I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.

My love for you was just practice for the next person.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.

Because I discovered that what you don’t know

Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work

Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.

Draw Your Pen

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

The time to pursue your dreams is right now.

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

There’s no waiting. It’s time to go.

 

What’s wrong? What’s the matter?

Are you alright? Please talk to me, okay?

 

Did you lose your home again?

Are your parents disowning you?

I’m here for you only if you let me in.

 

I cannot guide you, but I will be along for the ride.

They cannot put strings on you forever

If you find the scissors to cut them.

Your passions are only for you to decide.

 

Life on Earth could end tomorrow so why the fuck are you wasting your time?

You were born for adventure so you might as well draw your pen.

 

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

The time to pursue your dreams is right now.

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

There’s no waiting. It’s time to go.

 

There’s one thing that you need to know;

It’s to always keep an open mind.

You will possess such beautiful magic

If you would only take a chance.

 

The universe is so much bigger than we realize.

The sun will not last forever. It’s just a fireball that can burn out.

Marine life is going extinct and it’s all our fault.

 

Life on Earth could end tomorrow so why the fuck are you wasting your time?

You were born for adventure so you might as well draw your pen.

 

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

The time to pursue your dreams is right now.

Life’s too short. Life’s too short.

There’s no waiting. It’s time to go.

 

PTSD

Who hit replay

Shut it off

No not today

Life can be rough

Enough is enough

 

The past is passed

so why must it last

This loop in my head

I constantly dread

 

Who hit replay

Shut it off

No not today

Life can be rough

Enough is enough

 

PTSD is not for me

PTSD must cease to be

Got to get it out of my head

These thoughts that I have come to dread

keep playing over inside my head

 

Who hit replay

Shut it off

No not today

Life can be rough

Enough is enough

Author's Notes/Comments: 

PTSD...we all have it in our own way...we need to stop letting it get the best of us...so much time wasted on things that cannot be changed and need to be forgotten...permanently erased...learn whatever lessons from it and move on and keep living and learning...easier said than done but thoughts to ponder nonetheless...you are not alone. Keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep living life to the fullest...take nothing for granted....be greatful...Focus on the positive.Peace.

Me on Who I am and the Fear of a Commitment (Short Essay)

Folder: 
Short Essays

As I watch “Spider Man – Far From Home” – I think to myself how Spider Man is just your “neighborhood spider man” as Peter Parker states and he seems to not wanting to be a popular guy like Tony Stark was….

 

Then I got myself thinking… as I was people on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, etc... (just to name a few social media outlets) … I see constantly several people to become “Insert Social Media Outlet” Famous.

 

As a kid, yea, I wanted to be well known, popular, named for something that I may have done.  But each time, my anxiety hits me as I grow older.  And now that I am in my 40s, I continue seeing this.  People say I am good at ____, while says I am a strange/weird/creep guy (or something else along those lines).

 

Which then leads me to more anxiety and/or depression.  Sometimes it makes me wonder if I really want to be “TikTok” Famous (and on YouTube as well), have a TikTok Crush/Wife/Husband or something… because I constantly see always people that have TONS of time into making videos and make me wonder where they fit all this into.  Where as me with two jobs…  I am just a ‘plain joe’ (if that is what you want to call it) with no extra time, money, or specialty into making some of these awesome videos people create.

 

I do have friends who are indeed “TikTok Famous” and they are awesome people, but what gets me upset is that they are mostly women… Men these days is what ruins a good “romance” for people.  Most are perverted desperate beings who enjoy simply sending women D* Pictures… do they even think before acting thinking that the women will enjoy it or are, they just horny individuals who just want all women no matter their race?  These type of men (and some women too) are what disgust me about the human race when it comes to Human Interacting/Social Lives (excluding Religion, Politics, and the Environment because those are a whole different world in my book).

 

Have people lost track on how to become courtesy any more to one another?  When it comes to driving (turn signals), giving ladies the pass first (even if I have been called “sexist”… uh????), being patient to one another, saying “thank you, you are welcome”, “sir, ma’am, miss, buddy, folks, ladies because people clearly do not know how to formally present them selves to people the old fashion way (which I cringe each time people say, “Hey Guys” or “Ya’ll” (sorry Texan Friends).. I just do not think that is proper English.

 

But that is all getting away from the main point here…

My point here is that simply and I just am a “simple joe” and nothing else… I really do not want to get big famous, or any kind of famous; I just want to be known for something that I am good at instead of being called weird names, negativity on me, etc (because as an adult, I know I have become a victim of it where people have talked to me behind my back… they may think I just “brush” it off, but what they do not think of is what lays within me and how much it shatters me.  Even if I try to hide it from every one.

 

Getting off topic again about life…. What eats me up all the time is all the crushes I got on people and yet I cannot tell any of them  (some know who they are, other do not know, while others I am unsure about, but unknown if I want them to know or not... some are in Mexico, others are in New Jersey, Texas, or even not only in other States of the USA, but also in other countries as well... and also different ages from mid-20s to mid-40s) that I like them because I feel that will ruin my friendship and be placed in the “Friendzone”… That is the sucky part of life (I understand).  But for someone to stop talking to me because I entered that “Friendzone” makes me wonder if they were really ever a good friend to me or not.  Because I know as of lately, I have pushed some of them away a little over the course of years, months, and even weeks… so I am also part of that guilt too.  So makes me to differ, were they really worth telling these people or was it really not to and to keep it as a secret instead.  Some of these are all part of the Mysteries of Life!  Sometimes I want to go with my gut feeling and accept denial.  But other times I really do not want to and just accept the answers to life knowing that I already know the answer as well, even if I do not know the answer unless asked.  But at the same time makes me rather be placed in the “Friendzone” and then be forgotten as I have been so many times. And I move on with my life to a better me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Since I am entering my 40s, I ponder more about Life these days as I continue my single Life... Sometimes I want to be with someone to die old with, but sometimes I am afraid of commitment and living the single life...   Which is why my latest poem and this short essay reflect on my well being of myself.  And trying to keep myself as healthy as possible too.

View moscadini's Full Portfolio

Dramatic tunes

Dramatic tunes play in my mind

as I wait in bed for your replies

Took a trip, tried to listen to

A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

But boy, I really should take note

that 1975 was never the year

that the internet was born 

then lives got weird

 

Dramatic tunes swirl in my mind

Nauseating and mesmerizing, all at once

I trace all the pieces I could find

to draw the image that may resemble you

and draft the letters I could think of

but never would I send to you

 

Dramatic tunes leech on my mind

Trying to design my last demise

The nothingness on their side,

churning violence all coincide

 

Dramatic tunes play in my mind 

As I wait for your replies 

The darkness would soon arrive

here and hear my last goodbye

The flock of crows are closing in

Floating just three feet above

But then I feel my eyes flinch

As the phone buzzed

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about the anxiety you have when you're not sure someone's still interested of you or not anymore. 

Lost In An Anxiety Dream

The dream, an early morning awakening.

 

Past and present merge.

 

I’m in an unfamiliar place,

 

Staring at a concrete intersection,

 

Searching for known landmarks,

 

Trying to establish which way to go.

 

Each road leads to confusion.

 

Isolation.

 

Echoes of childhood have vanished for ever,

 

The familiar buildings replaced by office blocks,

 

And I stand alone by the crossroads, lost and without purpose.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I have always had a keen interest in dreams and what they tell us. 

View lozzamus's Full Portfolio