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There’s chow littered on the staircase floor.

I scramble to clean up the spill before it’s all consumed

By the cat that brought the family bad luck since the late spring.

Here I go, like I always do,

Holding my tongue on the job

While I hear you shout

While I hear you try to crush me

While I hear you goad me to scream.

It confuses me why an act of kindness and good intentions

Can wrought so much volatile sentiments.

I’ve been hesitant to feed the little one because I don’t know his tastes.

Never did I anticipate that her gluttonous habits are what triggers you.

Or is it he? Wow. Just wow.

Anger does wonders to the hippocampus.

My curiosity about how long you’ll live after that squabble fascinates me

But it concerns me at the same time.

Mad people live shorter lives than those that can stay calm when there’s an inconvenience.

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison.

Just today, while hitting the road, I thought we’d find common ground.

Keeping our cools while the mama cat is away

And a kitten comes out to play

Before it helps us seek four crystals in need of recovering.

When all that is done, I thought we’d go out for

Bagels and quiche for old time’s sake.

I enjoy the little interactions and activities when your temper is below zero.

Sadly, tonight once again broke the streak

That counted consecutive days we got along.

This always happens growing up, yet I never see it coming.

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison.

If you think the black cat is getting pudgy,

Why don’t you take a look in the mirror?

You’ve put on more pounds than she did.

Or he did? How did you get the genders mixed up in the heat?

I guess anger does wonders to the hippocampus.

You’re the reason why I have to keep my temper in check.

And why I prefer tears over beers.

All for the sake of my own well-being so I don’t turn out exactly like you.

Your temper is my poison and I won’t let it fester.

The only antidote to my ailment is knowing that I’ll be out of this roof

Happier than I was living under it just like I was for the past two years.

I know that as a guppy, Mother said to be considerate of you and

I was told that deep inside, you do care.

Sadly, it’s excruciatingly difficult for me not to judge this book by its cover.

I just can’t pry it open to see the pages no matter how hard I try to interpret your rage.

But if this little message hurts your feelings,

It’s a dish served hotter than the volcano in the back of your head.

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison. It will always be my poison no matter how old we get.

Being pulled on

From both sides

I'd look to see

Who is torturing me

But I know it's you

Who can't let go

You won't let me breathe

Or speak another name

Without losing yourself

And therefore 

Pushing me away

I wish you could see

What you do to me

The damage done

To my heart 

And my self-esteem

The pain

Once again

Screaming in my head

So deafening

I'd try to cover my ears

But you can't cover up

What you can't see

Can't disguise 

What is buried deep

I long for a break

From the drowning

The gasping for air

The flailing

Reaching out

Touching nothing

Because you are so lost

That you can't see me

Nor hear me

I wish you saw me 

Heard me

And knew I wouldn't hurt you

I beg of you, please 

Give me a break

Set me free

Find your inner peace

Torrents of hazy clouds begin to block out my happiness as I sit waiting for my mind to release me from my perpetual imprisonment from these chains of broken people and run down lies I tell myself to keep aloft in these dark days. As I look around, bare gnarled trees flex their fingers and are the only witnesses to this hell that I have incarcerated myself within. The sky goes darker as I find nothing within me to brighten the few stable thoughts that I have recycled too many times. My affection for the desire to breathe and take my revenge cements the chains and acts to drive the few things around me that have not already made their escape from my black hole of cycled misery. The grass goes black and the ground dries to a bone like state as I scream to stab my torturers.

The field is dead and I am its killer, so filled with loathing that my acidic personality caused it to shrivel and become a lifeless waste where even the worms of self pity and vultures of depression dare not tread in fear of dying due to the lack of prey: My happiness long since dried up and the few ideas of self righteousness consumed by my horrible self. I try to unclench my fist but as I do so, my bones break and cease to be flexible. I shriek in an effort to portray that I care about this, but I don't.

I know I don't.

I am the shadow, fading into silence

I am the words you shoved in a box

I am blood, sex & violence

behind the symbol of peace

I am light enraptured unto the void

from a thousand years of cosmic darkness

chasing the souls of stars

I am the mirror you wish to avoid

with the tears that coiled down the drain

& the years wasted on nothing--

but what you thought was yourself...

My bones lay cold under the rock where the water runs brisk. Preserved for years to be found a day when last I know to be at risk. No sound to be found, so quiet, so dark. Trapped before, trapped now, never at peace, let me die please. Forget my sorrows, let there be no tomorrow, I thought god at least in death, would have given me no unsweet sorrow.     By Rob Casteel

 November.30.2000

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

It's almost here

End of time

A drop of a tear

A drop of a dime 

The sudden fear

Of losing your mind

Knowing the light is near

It's nothing from man kind

All you know

That's the direction you stear

The pain you have you try to show

But no one is taking notice

Not even trying to care

They would be happy to see you go

It's not really fair

The hate from people you know

Yep it's almost the end of the line

We're either God or the devil

Who takes your soul

And people always thought you were fine 

They didn't look deep enough

But yet it is your most challening goal

You even thought you were tough

You haven't figured out yet

But it all changed when you two met

For God to take away

From his horrible sight

You don't want to take another day

You don't want to take on your tears

You don't want to fight 

Or face your fears

But in all of this 

When someone asks what's wrong

The answers are at miss

And you have nothing to say

You have no reason to live 

You realize you're not strong

You don't want any more tasks

To try to take on all by yourself

You need someone to help you

The end of time is near

Someone you need

One that will stick by your side

A love to feed

Someone that's true

Someone who won't hide 

Their feelings

Their happiness

Their meaning of life

Their heart

Their love

You need it all

To pick you up when you fall apart

To tell you you're elegant

And beautiful as before 

As pure as a dove 

Please wipe the sadness

That lurks in your eyes

You don't want that anymore

The madness

That stops you from having blue skies

You try your hardest to ignore

But that in a million years

Will never happen your soul begins to die 

By the end of time 

I will be weak

To have any love to send

Or any power to seek

The power to mend

That special love

That special friend

My luck has run out 

Because I never had none

I feel so trapped 

To scream too much it hurts like a ton

IT's so disturbing I can't even dream

I've tried so hard but they have won

I've given up and tried to stick with it 

But only for awhile

That never lasts

It goes out of style

And once again

I relive my past

When will it all end

My heartaches

Tears that run like a river 

This pain never gives me a break

How do I survive

I then get sick and start to shiver

And this depression is so thick

I no longer feel alive

The end of time is so close to me 

I'm dying inside

I just want to be free

I no longer want to hide

Copyright

August-17-2002

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

You can't protect me from everything

You can't lock all the doors

Can't keep me from doing my own thing

Because soon enough my anger

Will soon hit the floor

If I choose to do something

You can't keep kicking me out

Because you don't like what I do or hang with

Or because its not on what you want

Just to let you know keep it up

And my soul will ghostly haunt

Can't you see I can't breathe

With you holding me down

Or trying to force my way

"This is what's good for you"

Listen it's not me 

Everyday you never see I always hide my frown

And I put on an act with a smile 

So happy all joy

But understand it can only last for awhile

Sooner or later I'll break

And that is then my soul God shall take

Can't you for one minute look

And see that this pain runs deep

And that cry you hear at night 

It's me 

Letting my tears free

Because sometimes the pain hurts so bad 

I can't sleep you even make mad

These emotions won't set me free

I remain trapped too over protected

You are driving me up the wall

Why do you care when for me someone calls

It's none of your concern

Why can't I go out and explore

Just to go out and find what I can learn

My freedom I want more

Stop trying to lock me in this hell hole

Let me make my own path

Before I get too old

Let me decide my future all my own

Let me be me 

Before I'm too grown

Too over protected

Set the thought free

Copyright

Where the darkness ends, a soul begins

Defiled and impure you seek the allure

of another soul's contention

In a chaotic dance, you elicit romance...

for a reign in Hell's ascension.

Brushing against the Cedar he takes in its pungent, fresh scent. 

The Juniper berries sink into the moist ground beneath his feet,

and next spring a sapling shall breach the ground anew.

He stops in his trek for a minute and closes his eyes.

He focuses on the the sunrays warming his face and smiles

as a light breeze caresses it in a loving embrace.  

Out here, on his own, he can enjoy existence.

Despite all the hardships of life, here he

can just be and experience.

Why have we complicated life so thoroughly?

He asks himself. Why can't we be satisfied just

to walk through nature's beauty and grace?

Why raise skyscrapers and reach ever higher?

Back in the gray of the city his life is hectic.

Everyday he has somewhere to be,

something to finish, someone to meet.

He's in a perpetual rush most of the time,

and the days and weeks flash by in a blurry haze.

He has no time just to stop and look around him.

Even if he did all he'd see is the sweltering blacktop and concrete.

All that he enjoys here in the wilderness, is absent there.

So when he is here he simply stops, observes, and lives.

He tries to take it all in, remember it, so he can 

recall it in his cramped cubicle later.