Dear Lord Please Hold My Hand!

Dear lord please hold my hand!  

laying here in bed and thinking about my past
i ask the lord when will i have peace at last
and it sure makes me feel like im sinking in quick sand
then i scream in the dark dear lord please hold my hand
i prayed and i yelled please let me be free of it all
but it was met with a silence that made my skin crawl
and it wasnt at all what i thought or i planned
to tired to scream i asked dear lord please hold my hand
as the years came and went i realized with a shock
just who got me thru it all dispite every last sqwalk
i knew with out doubt and i finaly did understand
i knew in my heart he was always holding my hand



Author's Notes/Comments: 

wrote this one because i needed to!

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The Shadows That Stay Here


I make dark out of the best sunlight.

I keep looking behind me when it is all alleys.

So please

make me forget.


Caring a little too much,

trying not hard enough,

this past brings me to life.


I am still bathing in

love when it felt like a goal.

I am still wondering how I got here,

I am so broken I cannot fix you

I can’t fix my own chaotic mess.


I have stooped to the level of

using autofill to write my own poems

how can I even call them mine

if the algorithm has taken me.


I thought maybe all the memories could carry me.

I thought if I looked inside you right now

I could find an ending.


Something pulls me to the edges of all your stars.

Something crashes me into life.

I can’t unstitch myself from this shadow

I am afraid it is the something.

I don’t want to be this human

but I am so afraid I don’t have a choice.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 3/1/22

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Leaving Past

Leaving Past

Though it was bitter fact
A honey colourful day
Made the things to forgive
However it was tough
Got healed by choice
The then it might
Be right justification
However things went blur
Due to sipping of Opium

It was not just leaving
The battle field
Stay and get old and old
Not as of Lotus eaters sprit
Challenges and setback
Might landed me in Adam’ and Eve’ go
Even sift of wind
Wouldn’t stop for my consent
Fall of apple reminded me
Still the voyage
Had not come to an end
However boosting self
Reminded me the sprit Ulysses
Throwing the bitter fact
Buried in the then.

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probably shouldn’t

be basing my actions

on everything he didn’t do

but honestly I’m just looking for something to prove

I just want to care about right now


I spend time out of the moment and half in your memory

I want to be remembered like that

I wish I could be that beautiful


still yesterday takes up too much space

and I spend time diving there when you’re not looking

out of air,

I hope you will breathe love into me


probably shouldn’t

be crying again

at the same old fucking things

but honestly I just want to know

how can I love you better

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/30/20

this was quite a day

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So Many Memories


I keep taking all of this in,

hypnotized in the magic hour,

and not remembering in the morning.


How do I keep

this gold sky, blue sun,

so much I don’t know but it doesn’t matter in the dark

in a place with so many memories?


Sometimes they catch up with me,

climb on my shoulders,

now I am panting and I just know this hill is the last thing I will see and I am wishing I would have said everything to you instead of nothing


but I didn’t say nothing, I just said nothing out loud

and sometimes I think this is the only way I can speak

but I have so many memories.


For a second I think most of them are regrets

and then I read back through them and

somehow lightning hit me and I feel the scars

but it left a spark.


I can take in all this past

and write about the world at home.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/14/20

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To fix mt past!

To fix my past!

my past is filled with heartache and tears
full of ghosts ive locked away for years
but over time they've become so vast
and i've tried so hard to fix my past
i’ve fought to keep those memories at bay
but here they are and here they’ll stay
these memories inside have multiplied fast
i hope there's a way for me to fix my past
as i got older i’ve learned alot about me
and who i am is who i’m supposed to be
if i do go back then i would be recast
then should i go back to fix my past
my family and friends all know who i am
so if i do go back  i might not give a dam
and when i return i will have to be asked
just cause i wanted to fix my past
so here i am and here i’ll always remain
to others i’ll be hope so nothing's in vain
and someday when i am stronger at last
there’ll not be a need to go and fix my past!


Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is something i struggle with everyday and putting it on paper and reading it a few times has helped me tremendously, hope it helps you too

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How, And Why?


It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?



I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?


Lies Ahead!

lies ahead                     
from a distance we all look fine as normal as anyone can be
but look beyond that anyone can fake a smile for all to see
as i walk down this winding road full of uncertainties left unsaid
just when i think ive reached the end another more rough path lies ahead
life isnt always what you think for some it can be a hard pill to swallow
but one wrong decision or choice you make leaves you feeling so very hollow
they say careful what you wish for i say wishes are just dreams we have instead
but all we ever need for certain is to know in our hearts what lies ahead
someday we might know such things but for now here we are stuck in our own mind
praying and mindlessly walking thru life waiting for our lives to be refined
one things for certain that i found to be true and has given me a new hope instead
life is what you make of it so keep it real and don't worry about what lies ahead

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is one of many things i struggle with lol i should take my own advice, hope you like it


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The Seed

in what dark recesses of torture remain

exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain

to keep us sane and deliver us from evil

so goes the creed of an everlasting people


unending doubt resonates to be

impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream

scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk

prevention of fortune in a world of luck


forever told from stories past

eerily reminiscent of perpetual task

systems of new destroyed wisdom once known

for all apart of a world unsown


grimmace and malice plagued once more

in dire times that conjured vile scorn

but it was hope that was given once last chance

now grows a tree from the seed of our past