heartbreak

Ego sum paenitet me dilexit vos

Folder: 
Dark Love

Did you ever care?

Did you ever feel the same way?

How much of it was real?

How much f it was lies?

You must of known I cared,

You must of known how I really felt,

I wanted to make you happy,

I wanted to show you I understood,

How could you be so cruel?

How could you not see it was hurting me?

I took a chance and trusted you,

I took a chance and let you in,

You never let me in,

You never seemed to care,

How much pain does pleasure bring?

How much pleasure does pain bring?

Why didnt you stop it?

Why did you carry on?

You hurt me in ways I never knew,

You hurt me permanently,

I have scars from you,

I have scars because of you,

I gave you a second chance,

I gave you a third chance,

You chose to burn those bridges,

You chose to burn me.

 

I know I need to walk away,

Tell me its over even though it never began,

Remove the spell Im under,

Let me live in peace,

My heart aches at the thought of you,

Why did I fall for you?

I let you in and you shut me out,

Only there when it was convenient for you.

 

I told you I wont chase you forever,

One day I will give up and walk away,

No matter how great the pain,

How much I miss your touch,

The taste of you on my lips,

Your skin against mine,

Intoxicating scent of pheremones,

The adrenaline rush,

Hearts pounding and pulses thumping,

Im going to miss it all,

But most of all,

Im going to miss you.

 

Ego sum paenitet me dilexit vos.

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You don't

Folder: 
Silent Hate.

I have a marriage where I have always been loyal, honest and respectful.

You don’t.

I have class.

You don’t.

I have dignity.

You don’t.

I have integrity.

You don’t.

I have beauty, both inside and out.

You don’t.

I have self respect and self worth.

You don’t.

I have strength.

You don’t.

I have loyalty.

You don’t.

I have good character.

You don’t.

I have respect for other humans, as much as i have for myself.

You don’t.

I have street smart and common sense.

You don’t.

I have parents/grandparents who are proud of my choices. The ones they know and the ones they don’t. I know this.

You don’t

One day I hope to have children and when I do,  I will have children who have a good hearted, moral mother. One who leads by example and shows them the right paths in life. Always.

 

You don’t.

A Lost Star

Folder: 
Torn Love

All I ever wanted was to talk to you,

Make you laugh and smile,

I never thought I would feel this way,

Your smile is brighter than the sun,

Your hugs are warm and comforting,

Your body temperature is like magma,

I longed to make you happy,

Promised each other we would always be there,

Something stirred deep inside,

Like waking a long sleeping dragon,

Feelings started to surface,

I wouldnt let you go,

I couldnt let you go,

You felt like the night sky,

Held my heart when it was breaking,

I tried to hold yours,

Keep you happy,

You helped me heal when times were hard,

I trusted you implicitly,

I gave you all I had,

Just to make you smile,

Just to make you happy,

Just to be your friend,

Im sorry that I wasnt good enough,

Im sorry that I cared,

I hate what has become of us,

The rift in between,

I feel as far away form you as Pluto,

At the furthest orbital point,

You took my heart and broke it,

You did the one thing I asked you not to,

You burnt bridges we had built,

You destroyed my happiness,

Hurt me in ways I never thought possible,

I want to forgive you,

Because I care,

Im just not sure I can,

I let you in,

Deep inside me,

I miss your touch,

I miss the sparkle in your eyes,

I miss your smile,

I miss you,

I feel like a dying star,

Energy that has been expended too quickly,

Rapidly cooling and diminishing,

Solidifying from the outside in,

Fading from something bright,

Becoming part of the darkness,

A solid lump of nothingness.

 

Te Amo in Aeternum,

Because I have no choice,

Because I cant help it,

Because Im human and I hurt.

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A Fallen Star

Folder: 
Torn Love

I only wish you know,

How much I loved you,

Right from the beginning,

The impact you made when you landed,

From high above,

You fell so far,

Never losing your shine,

The first time I laid eyes on you,

The darkness staring back at me,

We danced and danced,

Orbited each other,

Complementary and clashing,

A comet passed by,

Obscuring the vision,

Leaving a trail of dust and debris,

You fell to earth,

I held you in my arms,

Breathed life into your fading embers,

I gave you my trust,

I thought I had yours,

You exploded in my hands,

Tore me to shreds,

Ripped my heart out,

Left me bleeding and alone,

If you only knew,

How much I had loved you.

Dramatic tunes

Dramatic tunes play in my mind

as I wait in bed for your replies

Took a trip, tried to listen to

A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

But boy, I really should take note

that 1975 was never the year

that the internet was born 

then lives got weird

 

Dramatic tunes swirl in my mind

Nauseating and mesmerizing, all at once

I trace all the pieces I could find

to draw the image that may resemble you

and draft the letters I could think of

but never would I send to you

 

Dramatic tunes leech on my mind

Trying to design my last demise

The nothingness on their side,

churning violence all coincide

 

Dramatic tunes play in my mind 

As I wait for your replies 

The darkness would soon arrive

here and hear my last goodbye

The flock of crows are closing in

Floating just three feet above

But then I feel my eyes flinch

As the phone buzzed

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about the anxiety you have when you're not sure someone's still interested of you or not anymore. 

Sarcoma

There is a sarcoma in your heart
Cut them out, they're no good to you dead
It grew in before I could play my part
Then, lay your heart down in the sunflower bed

Cut them out, they're no good to you dead
It might spread to something you actually need
Then, lay your heart down in the sunflower bed
Hold my hand and we'll watch it bleed

It might spread to something you actually need
Only the heartless will survive
Hold my hand and we'll watch it bleed
Free of the burden to contrive

Only the heartless will survive
I don't want to, but I hate you
Free of the burden to contrive
You don't want to, but I made you

I don't want to, but I hate you
The sunflowers have wilted now
You don't want to, but I made you
The heart you gave let us down

The sunflowers have wilted now
It grew in before I could play my part
The heart you gave let us down
There is a sarcoma in your heart.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I put my recent heartbreak into words and this is how it came out.

mornings

Mornings with you, that's all I really want to do. 
Rainy afternoons, lets go for a cruise.
your hand in my hand. I know you feel it too.
lets stay awake from sunset to sunrise.
 roll over on my side. "come here you got something in your eye."
type of love.
Forehead kisses. really make me miss you.
Damn, it fucks me up.
I thought that shit is too good to be true.
you wanted me, I wanted you.
you got me and... I. got. you.
that a rare find- hard to come by.
lets go for a ride. cruising with her by my side, hand on her inner left thigh.
shes even down for a drive by. 
now that's a woman in my eyes.
could you be here in the mornings? 
love me on my downtime.
lets get high.
 laugh about those guys or that one time.
I know im sorry aint good enough but ill put it to the test cause I love you enough to let you know that I fucked up.
I really do miss those late nights trippin on drugs in the back seat of your Toyota corolla.
I promise you there is no other lover. I am yours to uncover. discover.
lets go for a hike and open up my third eye, connect thru our minds.
fuck you on your side. im on your time.
wake up with you in my arms with the fog rollin up.
pull out the rest of the blunt.
but all I have are the memories of us.
its hard to wake up without you crossing my mind.
im not gonna lie, I miss you all the time.
I guess that's why im writing these rhymes. 
I thought it would go away with time,
but,
here you are.
still on my mind. 
consuming my time. 
you seem to be doing just fine.
 that explains why you never hit me up.
just let me ask, what happened to us?
good morning texts and kissing waking up to not even knowing you.
im sorry I couldn't love you. 
i know you tried, and i really tried, too. 
Im sorry I hurt you.
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We Dance

Folder: 
Spirituality

They say. “you’ve got nothing to give, if you give yourself nothing”

That’s the point of it.

There’s really nothing.

We are neither here, nor there.

There’s really no one.

We’re all just electrical expressions of life

Moving in time space

Breathing in air

Buckets of water

Cataclysms of emotion

Which is why I still care

Why I still want to show you…

every peace of me

I still want to give myself to you…

effortlessly

I still want to know you

with every moment that I breathe

 

You are who I am to be

You are who I choose

You are the one, the only one

You, my divinity, are the truth in me

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Follow your intuition.

Love, Gone

Why did you leave me

Lingering here?

Where have you gone

And why did you go?

 

I am left 

Confused

Feeling empty

Lonely

 

I long to hear your voice

To see your script

To know

You are thinking of me

 

Love is harsh

When you have to 

Let go of someone

Allow them to be free

 

Someone 

You long for

Someone 

You love 

 

Who left you behind

And gives nothing

No explanation

No final word

 

It hurts

It kills

It boils my skin

Leaving open blister

 

My heart

My soul

Every inch of me

Needs you

 

I want you

So

I'm suffocating

Without you

 

You are no longer here

Gone for good

I whisper your name

But you cannot hear me

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3/23/2018

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