Fear

Slumber awaits us

To reside in slumber bears weakness in my heart. 

 

I am not yet ready to ascertain the thoughts which dwell deep within my conscious mind, unbearing of the truth that is fortold upon diminishing it's recess, for I tremble as the witness to my own unconscious. It is here that I am forever entranced by the ideas of love and eternity, which inevitably have their own fate within my course of existence. Frequently, I wonder why such a dubious pattern of life emulates in the form that it so deliberately does. Fear lies within the wounds of my tormented soul as I try to reclaim the steps of what I've once known. My life is but a glimse of what lies ahead, a journey I know will beckon the everlasting hardships of the conscious collective. For the reasons of understanding nothing, while believing fully in the ever expanding source of knowledge from which we graze, I cease to acknowedge any bit of certainty that may lay claim to my being. Nothingness is apart of the universal collective, assimilated through light into the realm of the physical, yet transcended from the dominion that fabricates our ascension. At times I begin asking myself the questions of eternity, only to revert back to the darkness encompassing my vision, as I lay still in my bed. Untelling is the way of the mind, and unparalleled is the insanity that it may bear. 

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The Seed

in what dark recesses of torture remain

exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain

to keep us sane and deliver us from evil

so goes the creed of an everlasting people

 

unending doubt resonates to be

impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream

scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk

prevention of fortune in a world of luck

 

forever told from stories past

eerily reminiscent of perpetual task

systems of new destroyed wisdom once known

for all apart of a world unsown

 

grimmace and malice plagued once more

in dire times that conjured vile scorn

but it was hope that was given once last chance

now grows a tree from the seed of our past

Tonight

Folder: 
Poems.

There's something in the moon tonight. I feel it in the air. The dew is shining bright tonight. I notice something there. In the distance people sleep tonight. My mind is never scared. The shadows are my friends tonight. Alone in the dark I stare. Under street lamps I stand alone tonight. Cool wind blowing through my hair. Over here the secrets lay tonight. Leave me, they won't dare. My thoughts paint the trees tonight. They stand tall and fair. Cement below my feet tonight. These streets, they lay me bare.

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Cold

I was quite a fool,

And I regret it everyday,

My lack of fortitude,

My lack of industry,

It pains me to think of it

It's true,

This isn't something,

That has much use.

But I must let it out

 

Each day passes with a certain coldness,

Not a chill,

But an iceberg,

Along my spine,

Splintering out into each and every muscle,

And a heat,

Inside my chest,

Confusion in the mind,

Chaos in the body,

The worries, oh the worries.

They fill up my mind,

Taking with it all the oxygen,

It feels as though I'm going to faint,

But I somehow arrive momentarily,

At a calm,

A melancholy calm,

Somewhere,

Resting in the darkness,

There is some warmth,

Some hope,

Some Forgiveness,

It isn't strong enough to fend of the pain,

But just strong enough,

To be noticed,

And oh what a joy it is,

To feel something in me,

Somehow,

Has not given up on me,

It still cares,

Its love is unconditional,

It is beautiful,

I feel blood rush to my cheeks,

A soothing release up the back of my neck,

Thank you.

Whatever you are, holding me together,

Loving me when no one else will,

Thank you.

I will wait out this terribleness,

Until I can feel your embrace once again.

 

 

 

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Death of Infatuation

Folder: 
Light and Dark

I've never seen an angel bleed

Till I stood with knife in hand

I've never seen a devil cry

Till I looked once through it's eyes

 

You were my drug

Long before I acclimated

Long before withdrawal

I needed you to survive

 

I can feel your eyes on my back

Can't you hear me?

I'm silent on the outside

But screaming on the inside

I'm soul-lost

I can't find who I am anymore

 

Maybe I'll be fine

Perhaps I will survive

But I just don't know if

I can outlast your memory

 

If I lose myself in drugs and dreams

Or fly away to places and things

To fill the gap you left behind

Consuming body, soul, and mind

 

But there is no need

To conjure dreams

When life comes

In such radiant colors

 

They say Pandora is to blame

Her curiosity brought us pain

And fear of darkness in the night

But there was hope in candle-light

 

From the dark, a light will shine

Before the day, the night has gone

And now we know it burns so fine

That is why it's called, breaking dawn.

 

And maybe, just maybe

That which dies gives birth to something new

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Needs a better title

Always living in fear!

Always living in fear!

Some people are born happy with not one ounce of strife

And then there is me with my nightmare of a life

I was born to loving parents so that was very clear

But I’m tired of the hurt and always living in fear

It started when I was ten and felt there was no hope

 The evil that I went thru led me to down a slippery slope

And the bullying in school made me want to end it all

So cruel is this world I still feel like a marionette doll

Events in my life were pulling my strings year after year

But I’m tired of the heartache of always living in fear

I got married to a monster that promised me true love

But that turned into a nightmare to which I was so sick of

From there life’s felt like a burden and I cried a river of my tears

Still I keep on moving on with a hope I will stop living in fear

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is another of the fear inside me that I'm still working on!

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I can’t… But, Why? By jfarrell I can’t… I haven’t prepared… What if…. I could give a million reasons. I can’t bare the humiliation. A broken leg may hurt, But… SNAP! It’s over Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart Relived everytime you sleep Re-

I can’t… But, Why?

By jfarrell

 

I can’t…

I haven’t prepared…

What if….

I could give a million reasons.

 

I can’t bare the humiliation.

A broken leg may hurt,

But… SNAP!

It’s over

 

Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart

Relived everytime you sleep

Re-experienced everytime you close your eyes

Always there

 

I can’t ask out a woman because the ‘No’

Is like using a boxcutter on my heart

For everyone to see

For everyone to laugh…. forever

 

Over and over I would relive that humiliation

I couldn’t help myself

And, that’s why

I can’t

Author's Notes/Comments: 

pathetic, i know

Solitary night

 
 
Solitary night
 
tears of dissatisfaction
 
choking on memories
 
a torrent as the dark presses in
 
Searching, seeking
 
the long-awaited slumber
 
of each miserable, useless regret of yesterday
 
Yet, afraid to face the uncertainty of tomorrow
 
 
 

Please, End This

End things

Please

Tell me

You never meant any of it

Break my heart

And leave it in a million pieces

I will lay amongst them 

Wallow in my pity

Make me hate you

Destroy every ounce of my being

Leave my soul raw

Leave me even more broken

Please, end me

 

End this 

Make it so painful

That I never long to see your face again

Tear out my very being

Set it free with the other broken souls

 

Forget me

So I can forget you

Make me feel like you aren't special

Make me feel like I never mattered

Tell me you used me

That you just didn't want to be alone

 

Rip me apart

Tell me I'm nothing

Tear me so far down

That I can not rise again

I cannot take this pain

 

Please, just destroy me

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written: 2/21/2018

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