hurt

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Folder: 
2019

How am I supposed to

think what you’ve done

is unforgivable

 

when I did

the same thing?

 

I’m supposed to resent it

maybe.

 

But I remember

how the scalding

of touch

can make everything fade.

 

I was searching,

desperate to be wanted,

feel in a way

that didn’t involve words

or hearts

or hard conversations,

thinking the word deserve

didn’t go both ways.

 

Thinking I deserved a better

I couldn’t find here

 

but she

did not deserve

this.

 

It’s like the pull of

different

was more tempting than

what I had

 

and if you felt

like that too

 

if you’ve felt like that

for half the time I’ve been alive

and buried it all in me

 

maybe this is a

good thing

 

maybe it is time

our house collapsed.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/26/19

View tallsquirrelgirl's Full Portfolio
tags:

Knife's Edge

I stare at my blade,
And all I see is a tool of war,
Made not for a time of peace,
But for a moment of war,
To inflict pain and suffering,
Not to help and ease,
People say they are proud,
Of there kill count with a blade,
The cold, sharp and unforgiving edge,
That does not discriminate,
On who it inflicts it's pain,
The edge is hungry,
And wants to be fed,
With the blood of it's victims
Can you resist,
It's call for blood

View eldrunner's Full Portfolio

Just Ask, Do Not Assume

Folder: 
January 2019
beginning to lose her patience; 
short-tempered quite frequently no one knows, for she goes unnoticed
not one has seen the flame once so small for now its a blazing and raging fire within. she remains silent. only to concentrate solely on her journey at hand.  with daily strength and success for almost a year now. for she is true to herself on the inside and out; that's all that matters to her is that she stays true to herself. what people may think of her, or assume about her, or are skeptical about her, or why they may doubt her, or why they question to themselves about her - she has not a care for; false thoughts and untrue accusations honestly are none of her concern for if she did care, she'd be allowing the enemy to take over her thoughts in her mind she's only concerned about herself and her journey. she tries not to care; but deep down when she's alone she cries herself to sleep each night. the outside no longer cares; inside her heart begins to harden  once again, starts to shut out the world completely;
eventually, there will no longer be hurt, always being interrupted in her speaking,her thought or idea is wrong they say. being cut short in every encounter;rage is beginning to burn brightly, the harden heart; will reveal the truth about her pain those have caused her. her soul will be set free. 
avoid her, cut her short, no longer caring to speak to her; or to hear from her anymore.  a question, a thought, or an idea, even those encounters are practically nonexistent in her world;  
as brief as a lightning strike her soul begins to show from behind those eyes opened wide, she can see the light fading quickly;for in beginning it to burn brightly now in her eyes, she can see that it's going out. for when she started this journey she began to be happy again, that for many years happiness was absent in her life. until she found a new way, a journey that was beginning to give her meaning, 
a purpose, she had meaning in her life. although she continues to be successful, for she has not had a stumble, a slip, or a fall since day one and even today there is still none.
there are NO intentions or a desire to slip, to stumble, or to fall but to keep moving forward as she has been since the beginning of her journey. a step at a time, a prayer at a time, still learning, 
still growing in faith, still has love, the light that once began to glow is now being snuffed out by: the unasked question that they can't answer, the look from others doubting eye, a grapevine statement, an accusation, 
an assumption that others think to be true. the wildfire that started to burn brightly within her is now just a glow being snuffed out by those around her!
why? the fire of happiness is unknowingly causing her to begin to harden her heart all over again after so many stepping stones that have been reached along her journeyed path. 
Does she begin to feel what's the point? if they put out the flame, will she still have a meaning, a purpose the situation is being threatened. not one of them is willing to ask her the question that they have on the tip of their tongues. they would rather doubt, question themselves, assume things, which must be true...think again...ask the situation. her journey is a successful one; she still tries to help others: the good, the bad, and the ugly it's an act of kindness, she talks to everyone still from all walks of life. 
for she does not judge others even as they judge her, she lends an ear where it's needed, she just wants someone to listen, or to lend her ear to listen to someone, or to lend a helping hand in their time of need, that's not what others see, they see you with someone, somewhere, they don't see eye to eye with so, they assume and accuse she must be a failure... saw her or what they thought was a bad situation when all she's been doing is lending an ear or a helping hand to someone in their time of need. someone somewhere could always use a hand when someone is down on their luck in all walks of life whether they are one of the good, the bad, or the ugly. she sees good in every heart. 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

Never assume the worst when it is nothing but hear say, it can really hurt someone within, it can break their heart words do hurt but so does false accusations, and rumors. Put yourself in their shoes 

Cry In My Sleep

 

 I Lost My Ability To Cry
I'm Hurting So Much
I Feel Hurt
I Feel Pain
I Want To Cry
But Theres Not Tears
Theres No Emotions
Hold Me Please


Because I Can't Feel My Arms
I Can't Feel My Legs Anymore
I Feel Like Crying
But I'm Dying In My Sleep
Waking Up With Dried Up Eyes
I Don't Remember Crying
I Don't Remember Sleeping
Chill Runs Through On My Skin


Crying Out In Pain
I Wish I Could Cry
For My Body Can't Take It Anymore
Is This What It Feels Like
Why Must I Feel So Cold
Why Must I Feel So Emotionless
Pieces Of My Heart
Tears In Pieces


I Wish Again
I Could Cry
Just Once More
If I Could Hold You
If I Could Hug You
And Tell You One More Thing
I Just Want To Cry
I Want To Cry On Your Shoulder

 

 

it's better to be alone!

        Better to be alone

Im tired of getting lied too and hurt every time I find a friend

Not one of those so-called friends I’ve had on which I could depend

Sometimes I think it would be best to never have a single one

Then you won’t ever be hurt again for its better to be alone

They’ll fake a smile all the while there stabbing you in the back

They’ll twist the knife that’s in your spine just like a maniac

They’ll take advantage of your mental state and cut you to the bone

That’s when you’ll realize deep down inside it’s better to be alone

So take my advice never trust anyone or you will feel my pain

Then you’ll realize you were better off and have nothing left to gain

So never make friends with anyone and live life on your own

And then you’ll never again be hurt for its better to be alone…..

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i wrote this one because i have a hard time making a friend and keeping one!!! 

                 zoeycup

View zoeycup16's Full Portfolio

I do

I do

 

 

Do you know what it feels like to have never been loved?

Do you know what it feels like to have never been liked?

Do you know what it feels like to hear the words, believing it, only to be bluffed?

Do you know what it feels like to feel liked, told you are liked, only to be able to get ‘’their’’ true intentions right?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken for 42 years?

The hurt never ever goes away, or fades, it stays

Do you know what it feels like to realize each and every time you’ve just been fooled, and tears…

Well the tears never dry up, it lasts for decades

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to be used your entire life?

Do you know what it feels like to be the one who always has to heal, and help?

At your own emotional and financial loss, just to serve your purpose in life?

Do you know what it feels like to know, that you will never have anyone when you need help?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to only be viewed and desired as sexual object?

Do you know what it feels like to only be used and viewed as emotional help?

Do you know what it feels like to fall in love with the only outcome being: reject?

Do you know what it feels like to carry your Mother from birth knowing she didn’t want you, she wished you could just melt

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to work your entire life only to survive?

Do you know what it feels like to be hated by most females, due to jealousy?

Do you know what it feels like to live with so much hatred from strangers just because you are alive?

Do you know what it feels like to try live your life in secrecy?

 

I do

Do you know what it’s like to know you will never be loved?

Do you know what it’s like to only attract lust?

Do you know what it’s like to know you will never be liked?

Do you know that my entire life, people lied, just to be able to satisfy their lust?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it’s like to know you were never wanted from birth, yet ‘’loved’’ because you are her slave, and your Mom can life a happy life and relive her youth through you and all boyfriends and dates who claims to love me even though it is just lust

 

Do you know what it’s like to know you are only ‘’liked’’ for the financial and emotional help you can be?

Only be liked because they lust after you?

Do you know what it’s like to be me?

 

I do

 

 Do you know what it is like to have your heart broken endlessly?

 

I do

 

Do you know what’s it’s like to think of a perfect way to commit suicide daily knowing what the rest of your life will be

 

I do

 

Marriage, engagement, true love, true friendships based on like –I will never experience

Death is imminent, and I pray that the day comes soonest, before I find my own way

 

Do you know how much pain my heart and soul can handle?

 

I do

 

It has reached the limit


Written by

Dlr

Simply Forgotten

Can I please stop thinking of you?

Leave my thoughts,

And take my insecurities 

 

What you left in your wake,

As you simply disappeared

 

No words

Nothing

I'm just left to wonder why

 

Fuck this inner ache

Fuck this forever pain

 

I wish you'd come back

Swoop me up

And tell me this is all a joke 

 

I wish I could hold you

Lay on you, or

You could lay on me

 

What did we even have?

Did any of it have meaning?

 

Here I am again

Rambling 

 

Fuck you for hurting me

Fuck you for the gut punch to my heart

 

Thank you for ruining a piece of me

As you remain silent

And I am simply forgotten

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3/23/2018

View takemewithy0u's Full Portfolio

Distance

Folder: 
To My Wife

I would say I miss you

But you no longer care

You left long before your body

And left me alone with yourself

 

I'm always thinking of you

Everyone says you aren't worth it

Maybe they're right...

But I thought you were

 

I wish we could be “us” again

But do I truly miss you

Or simply the relationship we had?

I guess I'll never know

 

You've kept me at a distance

So far I'd never reach you

Now I suppose I've finally decided

To stop trying

Last chat with mum; aged 24 (me, aged 24)

Last chat with mum; aged 24 (me, aged 24)

By jfarrell

 

“now he’s dead, I gotta ask….

“was he my dad? Truly???”

…. “yes”

 

This is my mum responding….

Her and the ‘truth’….

If she told me water’s wet and leafs are green…

I’d have to check….

….my mum truly believed her lies…

Really…

 

She didn’t get kicked out of the milkman’s house…

1 am in the morning

And walked home naked with her 7 year old daughter screaming at her

What a w……. she was…

No….

My ‘dad’ was flirting with the barmaid again…

….

I was there; I know what happened…

 

But,

She really, truly believes her lies.

 

“was he my dad?”

“yes”

….

 

Deep breath…

Disappointment, anger, relief?

Who knows?

But….

What I asked next was really, REALLY stupid!

A very bad idea…

But

How could I know?

 

“Ok… ish… he’s my dad…”

 

Long silence, couple of minutes?… less?… more?…

 

“what happened back ‘then’? when I was 5? 6?

When uncle brian raped me?

….….

….. we haven’t spoken in nearly 10 years… what you all did hurt….

What happened?”

 

“your dad told me you’d raped your cousin”

…...

“i was 5…?… 6…?….

…. I wasn’t even physically capable…. 5…6…”

 

 

“that’s what your dad told me.”

 

A couple of deep breaths, from me…

Several seconds…. a minute or two…

Felt like f…. centuries….

 

….”and I believed him.”

 

NOT an added aside, an intentional thrust with a stiletto…

Not an attempt to move in for the kill…

On an already injured, badly bleeding target…

No….

She was just being honest.

 

….OK…

 

“nan, uncle peter…. di…..”

“well of course I told them about it!”

…..

At least I had the sense to shut up then and not ask if that’s..

What she told her friends…

 

…..

 

Haven’t seen or spoken or had anything to do with my ‘mum’

Since that day…

Over 25 years ago…

I will be 50 in a couple of weeks…

My anger, bitterness, hurt….

…..that little mother to son chat….

Is killing me

Poisoning me, like a virus …..

That hate, anger….

Wanting to hurt back…

 

….

Maybe my mum had mental health problems….

I don’t know….

But..

To so totally, absolutely believe… agree…

At 5… 6… years old…

“your son raped his cousin”….

 

I don’t totally believe that’s the WHOLE truth…

I will happily call my scumbag ‘dad’ a lot of names…

But.. ‘Liar’ isn’t one that would be honest….

….

 

…”and I believed him.”….

 

I don’t know….

Have spent all my pointless life trying to imagine….

WHAT I DID….

That was so bad…

That…

At the age of 5 or 6….

… my mum hated me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much,

“and I believed him.”

 

 

Maybe she’s right ;-)

After all,

Who knows a man better than his mother?

 

I wish I could forgive and forget…

I wish I could be a son….

I wish I had a mother….

…..

And,

I so wish I wasn’t me…

But…

These are the hands we are dealt.

 

Sadly….

 

I fear my bitterness, anger….

Absolute f…… rage…

…after I die….

My hate will continue.

….

Other than my mum, who can rot in hell…

 

 

PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU LOVELY WONDERFUL READERS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

20 years of therapy, 40+ years of pain and bitterness..

poetry is a salve, a poultice, i could never have imagined....