hurt

You

 

 

Perhaps it’s because I miss you, the real you

or the thought of you.

It’s not like I know the difference.

 

 

 

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The Skies Have Never Been Greyer

The skies have never been greyer.

I don’t heal from mental scars overnight.

Neither do you.

I overthink small problems and I wither when I make mistakes.

So do you.

It made me smile that we have our own inner demons.

It gave me the realization that I would not be alone.

 

When two broken hearts get together,

I often dream that they are matches made in heaven.

Because we understand where we’ve been

And why these circumstances made us the way we are.

But in every relationship, it is the furthest thing from paradise.

It won’t be the last time that we’d be walking on thin ice.

 

You are a sweetheart to me and I won’t forget the way you changed my life.

You’ve inspired me to meet icons whose wealth exceeds my wildest dreams.

You’ve helped me see that they’re human beings just like you and me.

You’ve given me pieces of you to keep me on my feet and explore uncharted territory in Wonderland.

You’ve compelled me to think that you wouldn’t ask for much as long as I said,

“I love you. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.” every night.

You constantly worry you lose me and that nothing in life goes right for you.

I keep trying to do my own thing while battling the sergeants that disagree with my decisions.

Don’t let our fickle position be added to my list of never-ending burdens.

 

Sometimes I stay the best of friends with people I was fond of before.

I’m never the “love them and leave them” type as long as I’m still on good terms with them

And remind myself that the past is in the past and no one is taking me anywhere.

Not that anyone could anyway as long as I make a living trying to tell nectarines and peaches apart.

Tonight when I talked about it with you, the way I opened up to you was like stepping in a land mine.

I don’t want to keep secrets from you so you wouldn’t fear I’d leave you to drown in a vale of tears.

But I’ll lock them up and throw away the key if I’m put on the spot like this.

Then I wouldn’t let you touch me the way you do now.

 

I’ve learned many hard lessons from falling in love and interpreting one’s intentions.

One taught me that it’s pointless to disguise odium as empathy.

One taught me that I can never choose what the love of my life gets offended by.

One taught me not to rely too heavily on my other half lest I lose my ability to solve problems.

One taught me not to sacrifice too much when making a commitment.

One taught me that there’s more to life than shotgun weddings and procreation.

One taught me to love who I am before I can give my light to others.

A lost boy who’s a year away from adulthood has given me his by sharing his own disappointments

Yet he still has the heart to resurrect the brotherly side that I had previously lost to a poisonous fable.

 

I know I want to love

And I want to be loved in return

But I am a free spirit and close friends mean the world to me.

I never see myself as a “give and take” kind of bloke

All because the little things in life are what matters more to me.

Who would want a lover like that?

 

I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but no matter what the future brings,

I’ll always love you and be indebted to your compassion.

I swear on the grave of my jewel and cousin, I wish you the best in life

Whether I spend mine with you or not.

The skies have never been greyer.

How Far is LA?

How far is LA?
How many planets
Or galaxies away?
What a way to waste the silence,
Trying to learn a foreign face
I needed not to reach.
How far is LA?
It deeply troubles me,
Prompting me
In the middle of the day.
That breadth I tried to fill,
As my eyes settle
To the farthest.
It is infinite,
But LA
Is not there.
Unknown,
Unseen.
The vacancy it creates,
Creates another void in me.
If I spread my hands
And my fingers extended,
If I use my mind,
And some pity in others,
Will I get to LA?
I glared at the empty space
And I told myself,
“LA is far.”
Somebody is far.
I repeated.
Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is for somebody who might be in LA today. I miss you.

RAW

Folder: 
Torn Love

Have you any idea how much it hurts to love you?

Do you even care?

Like a supernova exploding,

Firing off shards in all directions,

Pockmarked and scarred,

I know you dont care,

Within my dreams its never the truth,

Save me from this,

Let me go,

Love me back,

Tears fall and crash around me,

Cheeks stained,

Wake me up,

Under the scars Im raw,

Fire inside burns hot,

Scortching the flesh,

It hurts.

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TWISTED

Folder: 
Dark Love

You stuck a knife in me,

You twisted it and pulled it out,

You watched me bleed,

You enjoyed my suffering,

You couldnt have been more cruel,

You could have tried,

You poked the wound for fun,

You knew when it started healing,

You tore a gaping wound in my heart,

You laughed at my expense,

You liked the attention,

You liked being chased,

You were always going to hurt me,

You just made me blind to it,

You caused enough pain to open my eyes,

You let me slip through your fingers,

You saw my colour fade,

You drained my blood,

You caused scars,

You hurt me,

You never felt anything,

You lead me on,

You discarded me when it wasnt convenient,

You caused excrutiating pain,

You never cared,

You never said sorry and meant it,

You watched the last drop of blood,

You watched me die of a broken heart,

You are twisted,

You are cruel,

You lost me because I walked away.

Ego sum paenitet me dilexit vos

Folder: 
Dark Love

Did you ever care?

Did you ever feel the same way?

How much of it was real?

How much f it was lies?

You must of known I cared,

You must of known how I really felt,

I wanted to make you happy,

I wanted to show you I understood,

How could you be so cruel?

How could you not see it was hurting me?

I took a chance and trusted you,

I took a chance and let you in,

You never let me in,

You never seemed to care,

How much pain does pleasure bring?

How much pleasure does pain bring?

Why didnt you stop it?

Why did you carry on?

You hurt me in ways I never knew,

You hurt me permanently,

I have scars from you,

I have scars because of you,

I gave you a second chance,

I gave you a third chance,

You chose to burn those bridges,

You chose to burn me.

 

I know I need to walk away,

Tell me its over even though it never began,

Remove the spell Im under,

Let me live in peace,

My heart aches at the thought of you,

Why did I fall for you?

I let you in and you shut me out,

Only there when it was convenient for you.

 

I told you I wont chase you forever,

One day I will give up and walk away,

No matter how great the pain,

How much I miss your touch,

The taste of you on my lips,

Your skin against mine,

Intoxicating scent of pheremones,

The adrenaline rush,

Hearts pounding and pulses thumping,

Im going to miss it all,

But most of all,

Im going to miss you.

 

Ego sum paenitet me dilexit vos.

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You don't

Folder: 
Silent Hate.

I have a marriage where I have always been loyal, honest and respectful.

You don’t.

I have class.

You don’t.

I have dignity.

You don’t.

I have integrity.

You don’t.

I have beauty, both inside and out.

You don’t.

I have self respect and self worth.

You don’t.

I have strength.

You don’t.

I have loyalty.

You don’t.

I have good character.

You don’t.

I have respect for other humans, as much as i have for myself.

You don’t.

I have street smart and common sense.

You don’t.

I have parents/grandparents who are proud of my choices. The ones they know and the ones they don’t. I know this.

You don’t

One day I hope to have children and when I do,  I will have children who have a good hearted, moral mother. One who leads by example and shows them the right paths in life. Always.

 

You don’t.

A Lost Star

Folder: 
Torn Love

All I ever wanted was to talk to you,

Make you laugh and smile,

I never thought I would feel this way,

Your smile is brighter than the sun,

Your hugs are warm and comforting,

Your body temperature is like magma,

I longed to make you happy,

Promised each other we would always be there,

Something stirred deep inside,

Like waking a long sleeping dragon,

Feelings started to surface,

I wouldnt let you go,

I couldnt let you go,

You felt like the night sky,

Held my heart when it was breaking,

I tried to hold yours,

Keep you happy,

You helped me heal when times were hard,

I trusted you implicitly,

I gave you all I had,

Just to make you smile,

Just to make you happy,

Just to be your friend,

Im sorry that I wasnt good enough,

Im sorry that I cared,

I hate what has become of us,

The rift in between,

I feel as far away form you as Pluto,

At the furthest orbital point,

You took my heart and broke it,

You did the one thing I asked you not to,

You burnt bridges we had built,

You destroyed my happiness,

Hurt me in ways I never thought possible,

I want to forgive you,

Because I care,

Im just not sure I can,

I let you in,

Deep inside me,

I miss your touch,

I miss the sparkle in your eyes,

I miss your smile,

I miss you,

I feel like a dying star,

Energy that has been expended too quickly,

Rapidly cooling and diminishing,

Solidifying from the outside in,

Fading from something bright,

Becoming part of the darkness,

A solid lump of nothingness.

 

Te Amo in Aeternum,

Because I have no choice,

Because I cant help it,

Because Im human and I hurt.

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Collapse

Folder: 
2019

How am I supposed to

think what you’ve done

is unforgivable

 

when I did

the same thing?

 

I’m supposed to resent it

maybe.

 

But I remember

how the scalding

of touch

can make everything fade.

 

I was searching,

desperate to be wanted,

feel in a way

that didn’t involve words

or hearts

or hard conversations,

thinking the word deserve

didn’t go both ways.

 

Thinking I deserved a better

I couldn’t find here

 

but she

did not deserve

this.

 

It’s like the pull of

different

was more tempting than

what I had

 

and if you felt

like that too

 

if you’ve felt like that

for half the time I’ve been alive

and buried it all in me

 

maybe this is a

good thing

 

maybe it is time

our house collapsed.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/26/19

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