anger

Nowhere2go

Full speed, fantasy about being under my own tires, expressing myself getting even harder, Nowhere2go, not enough prayer for you, your mind is tainted and no one will ever love you, Dancing in holy white, hoping I get her attention, driving fast, gma come get me, fantasy about being under your tires, expressing myself getting impossible, the army saving my life, there are times where I breathe and I feel like im losing my life, my lungs are expiring and I'm gasping for air, and niggas around me can't even tell, Danielle, I hate that I still love her, fuck it, I'll see her in hell, I'm falling for a girl, who is the same, Jesus take the wheel, nowhere2go, there is, not enough prayer for you, I've spent my whole life depressed, I wanna end myself, my silence is golden as fuck, when I seem happy, people don't have to look, the shadows where they dwell, in the light wishing me well, I can't see and I'm paranoid, drowning myself in addiction hoping I blend in, I've been home for only a few days, and it sinks in, and it sinks in, no one loves you, nowhere2go.. I've spent all my life depressed.. thinking about death.. hoping my time is next.

Humanity's Fire

Long ago man started a fire,

it was small, tiny, on the brink,

but it kept burning, smoldering,

until it found new sources to grow.

 

It grew slowly, consuming more,

exponentially larger, grander,

man marveled at its creation,

that could destroy so much. 

 

It begins to consume man,

and man begins to fight it,

Frantically, full of panic, 

piling water onto it.

 

But so many men love the fire,

they deny its hand in consuming others,

that it is a myth so others will smother out

their greatest invention that gives them so much

 

power.

 

For those who can direct the fire care not,

whether it consumes an ant or an aunt,

because it gives them control over all,

those who fight it are condemned.

 

The condemned have outgrown the not,

but fire is a mighty foe that has grown vast,

it unlocks now for itself more raw material,

the extinction of many species trivialized. 

 

Mass extinction by fire. 

 

Will the new stewards halt the progress?

Or is too much consumed that now

the smoke and soot will bury them?

Slowly, the condemned become the saviors. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A quick write. It's a bit on the nose but whatever. 

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Personality Theft

The day shall be imperfect until I find myself
It's pretty hard, I keep trying, I got no inner health

 

 

The cracked mirror
I impatiently wait for the day to be fixed
Hidden fear or
darkness, I couldn't say, the feeling's mixed


Trying to find light within the cracks
Breaking out of night as I listen to the heart attacks
Of the people of broken health I called me, once worn
In the city of myself, not meant to be, a battle born


Cracked skin!
Poison within,
a smile locked in, but inside a fight you couldn't win

Could I stand here and speak lies that this was really me?
Not really, I don't have much of eyes left to see.
as I just kill another one impatiently
so violently.


Until there's a void with complete darkness and nothing left
Just another alleyway destroyed, another empty something, just another personality theft,

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Loneliness

Loneliness is being in the room with your love,

And realizing that there is no love in the room.

 

Loneliness is having a nightmare in bed,

And rolling over to realize that the dream was warmer than real life.

 

When I needed you

You weren't there

When I had to trust you

You broke my trust

When I held you up

You knocked me down

When I gave you everything

You took it all away

 

Loneliness is wanting to be understood,

But realizing that no-one else

Has the time or patience to discover

Who you really are

Oh, Holy Sausage Roll

Oh, Holy Sausage Roll

By jfarrell

 

(“who should be more offended; Christians, Muslims or vegetarians?” James O’Brien, LBC presenter)

 

I can imagine Jesus, Mohammed and Jaweh

All wetting themselves laughing to this;

Passing round a cheese pasty;

Jesus laughing so much, he snorts his coffee up his nose.

 

“It’s blasphemy, I’m boycotting Gregg’s”;

And the ones who say….

“they wouldn’t take the mick out of Islam, like they do Christianity”;

You really want Christians beheading sausage rolls?

 

Forgiveness is what is supposed to make your beliefs different;

Turning the other cheek, joining in and having a laugh;

Please guys, it’s not the messiah, it’s a sausage roll;

Get upset about something important.

 

All that good energy, gone to waste,

Complaining about a pasty;

It’s madness.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

blessed sausage roll, forgive us our sins; like too much cake and sherry this xams :-)

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Lost my temper

Lost my temper

By jfarrell

 

I was 12 last time I lost my temper; I’m 49 now;

My friend, Andrew, in the children’s home,

Told me, he’s being discharged; I’d never see him again;

I attacked, and beat the crap outta another kid, in the home.

 

At 15, my children’s home was closed down violently;

My sister and I were separated; not that we were close before;

I saw the cycle - how my dad comes home drunk, beats up everyone;

I saw my being bullied at school; I’d come home bully her.

 

12 to 49 is a long way with no friends; and family I’m scared to go near;

Online friends is the closest I can get to friends? Or, cats?

What a sad, so very sad loser I must be!!!!!

Pathetic waste of space!

 

Wallowing, consumed, drowning in my bubble;

I have hurt people along the way, not bad, not violent;

And I never meant to; I always tried to do right;

37 years later, I still haven’t lost my temper.

 

But, maybe if I had taken that risk, that chance,

I wouldn’t be alone, and so permanently alone as I feel;

I haven’t lost my temper in 37 years, should I feel proud of that?

Or should I revel in the solitude? Always alone…

 

Having no-one,

i can hurt no-one.

Bad, anyway

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

if this is another step forward in recovery, i must be a black-belt ju-jitsu, capacle of somersaulting through the air while shooting 2 machine guns, keanu reeves, matrix style - just not dressed so good - or.... am i still just a alcoholic?

ooooh, ooooh, bottle of beer needs opening :-) be right back :-)

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But, I am, so it comes out that way

But, I am, so it comes out that way

By jfarrell

 

(Bill Hicks was a legend, sorely missed)

 

I don’t mean to be full of hate and bitterness,

Spiteful, wanting to hurt back,

But, I am, so it comes out that way.

 

I don’t mean to treat you with disrespect,

And nonchalantly dismiss your views;

But, that’s the way it comes out.

 

I used to work with nursery children,

I was full of care, understanding and empathy;

And it came out that way.

 

I wanted to be loved;

Desperately;

And I couldn’t let that show at all.

 

After all these years….

 

I don’t mean to want everyone who ever hurt me to hurt, horribly;

To die slowly, and in as much agony, as my imagination can conjure;

But, I do, so it comes out that way.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"I don't mean to sound cold and heartless, but I am, so it comes out that way" or something like that. Bill Hicks was a genius

View suicideslug's Full Portfolio

Waves of darkness

Waves of darkness

                           By jfarrell

 

Here in my tower I watch the coming storm;

The raven coloured clouds of regret;

The silvery-edged waves of woe, drenching my soul;

The lightening sheds a spotlight on my aloness.

 

Pain-wrapped feelings of guilt;

Pain wrapped feelings of need;

Drink the beer, drown it;

Smoke the weed, numb it.

 

And “why me, again?”

Leads to “I’ve had enough! No more! My turn!”

My fantasies are so blood-soaked….

My dreams, asleep and waking, so violent; vile.

 

Everything I think, see, feel, is so violent;

And, my anger, my hate, is awakened;

“BURN IT ALL DOWN! NOW!”

“AND BURN ALL OF ‘EM!”

 

I smile, shake your hand, but that voice, that command,

Means you too;

I may drown in my miasma of despair;

Please take this life-jacket; don’t drown with me.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

it's a nice life-jacket

A Moment Is All I Needed

Folder: 
Poems.

The walls are screaming, "Hit me!"

My arms are aching, "Throw something!"

That little voice says, "Do it!"

It makes me believe I will feel better if I do.

So I am here instead.

I find myself overwhelmed,

Because of my frustration.

One deep breath in,

And then I let it out.

I feel trapped within my anger.

I have much to say,

But my heart is racing.

I ask myself, "What did I do?"

But I find no answer.

Everything would've been fine,

Had you taken a step back,

Had you given me a moment.

A moment, that is all I needed.

A moment to formulate my words,

A moment to release them.

But a moment is not what I was given.

So the words rushed to the surface,

And simultaneously they all came out.

They came out, in a jumble.

They came out twisted by my tongue.

They came out not how I intended them to,

All because you didn't give me a moment.