relationships

Empathy

Folder: 
2019

they say

when someone cries

you can feel it in your heart.

they’re lying

I feel it everywhere.

 

I live in shadows

when your face is too red

to turn on the light.

 

my core catches red

when you catch my eye.

my legs feel you stumbling.

 

this book is filled with words

you have forgotten writing

in the hours that belong to

liquid escape,

my fingers finding a dance floor on yours,

half-awake second chances.

maybe that’s why

I don’t make it easy to open.

 

I swear I don’t just feel it in my chest when you leave,

it’s like something in my bones

has been rebuilt

they remember your kiss as

not just a now

but a memory

a tomorrow,

I am tearing apart

skin that has turned to glass

I am crumbling.

 

lemons and oxygen

kickstart my brain,

swing it in circles

but I can’t let it out

through a skull already cracked.

 

they say

when the seasons change

when the ground shakes

you can feel it in your heart.

but isn’t a heart all of you?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/16/19

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How, And Why?

Folder: 
Outlook

It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

 

 

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

 

I’m not crazy

There was something there 

I refuse to believe you’re unaware

Of all those moments and what we shared

Not only is it incredibly unfair

To be painted as someone impaired

Because I noticed exactly what was there

Maybe I’m right and you needed some flare

So you used my emotions regardless of the tear

It caused in my heart when I became aware

That I was nothing more than an ego stroke

Because it all seemed like the perfect joke

Fool the girl into heartbreak

By letting her know she was never great

Not even close, it was just a prank

Either way I don’t care

If you actually liked me deep down somewhere

Because now I know the definition for overrated

 

And next time I won’t be so easily baited

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Nothing but a Fable

Happily ever after doesn’t exist.

Not when people like you also exist.

I bought myself a new suit of armor so you don’t drive another knife in my back.

I told the vendor to hold the stallion because human legs were never for aesthetic purposes.

 

I wanted to walk the face of the Earth with you using my own.

We would’ve walked more than a thousand miles together to chase the sun and avoid the night.

And I never needed to worry about my tired legs.

They built up a tolerance from walking in the coastal sand and helping me keep up with dirty dishes.

 

I told you about my demons and how quickly I am to care when I’m shown an act of kindness.

Mother always lectured me that no matter how small they may be, they are never in vain.

But there is such a thing as being too kind. There is such a thing as temptation.

The best of us cave in once, twice, or maybe more than that when we write in our diaries.

 

You were like such a book to me and I trusted you, but never did I expect that you’d defile my soul

By persuading me to partake in activities that I would never in my right mind do.

I should have recalled the fable of a girl who trusted a poltergeist that haunted a similar diary.

Had I not flee the moment I saw your true character, I would have joined her in death.

 

Looking back, I understand that diaries are the keys to starting fires and turning innocents into fugitives.

You can try with all your might to pry my mouth open to get me to spill any more beans

But my lips are staying sealed because I know who you really are and I finally learned my lesson.

You never exposed me. You only leaked a chapter that was part of a book you never read.

 

So why bother showing it to you knowing that my real friends and family will be endangered as well?

I know that a deluded man gambled away so much ammo to the vipers that he became a trainwreck.

I swear on my recurring nightmares that any answers to your questions will be used against me.

Truth and justice is a concept invented by people and after all, people do make mistakes.

 

God bless the right to remain silent.

Because even the condemned understand that its value supersedes a vault of gold

That the draconian blackjack dealers steal from the poor that desire to play with them.

Where was Robin Hood when I needed him most?

 

Flash forward to a single year and I’m now twenty-five with an art degree in hand.

I’ve spent all that time studying my ass off and avoiding the vipers that plague my past.

I was with my true friends who never give a shit about your deceit when I realized I never needed you.

Preparing for financial exams under the tutelage of a bright mathematician was like you never existed.

 

So the next time you see me, I won’t grovel on the pavement begging you to take me back.

Instead, I’ll look the other way and French kiss my new admirer in front of you.

Just to let you know that I changed for the better and you missed out on the life we could’ve had.

I am fortunate to understand that your absence last summer turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

 

I dare you to call me an idiot again!

I dare you to call me a chicken!

I dare you to say that I’m going down

While you hide behind the blackjack dealers that love you for show!

 

There’s always someone out there willing to give you a taste of your own medicine anyway.

How did it feel when even Discordia didn’t want anything to do with you?

Was it salty and sour like your attitude and your deceit?

Cavities caused by the consumption of these candies are a pain for dentists to fill.

 

And just like that, you disappeared from the face of the Earth again. Hopefully, for good this time.

You can erase your identity from the world, but you cannot erase the marks your venom left behind.

You may still be on my mind from time to time, but I don’t see you in a virtuous light anymore.

You are nothing but a fable.

Your Temper is My Poison

There’s chow littered on the staircase floor.

I scramble to clean up the spill before it’s all consumed

By the cat that brought the family bad luck since the late spring.

 

Here I go, like I always do,

Holding my tongue on the job

While I hear you shout

While I hear you try to crush me

While I hear you goad me to scream.

 

It confuses me why an act of kindness and good intentions

Can wrought so much volatile sentiments.

I’ve been hesitant to feed the little one because I don’t know his tastes.

Never did I anticipate that her gluttonous habits are what triggers you.

Or is it he? Wow. Just wow.

 

Anger does wonders to the hippocampus.

My curiosity about how long you’ll live after that squabble fascinates me

But it concerns me at the same time.

Mad people live shorter lives than those that can stay calm when there’s an inconvenience.

 

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison.

 

Just today, while hitting the road, I thought we’d find common ground.

Keeping our cools while the mama cat is away

And a kitten comes out to play

Before it helps us seek four crystals in need of recovering.

 

When all that is done, I thought we’d go out for

Bagels and quiche for old time’s sake.

I enjoy the little interactions and activities when your temper is below zero.

 

Sadly, tonight once again broke the streak

That counted consecutive days we got along.

This always happens growing up, yet I never see it coming.

 

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison.

 

If you think the black cat is getting pudgy,

Why don’t you take a look in the mirror?

You’ve put on more pounds than she did.

Or he did? How did you get the genders mixed up in the heat?

 

I guess anger does wonders to the hippocampus.

You’re the reason why I have to keep my temper in check.

And why I prefer tears over beers.

All for the sake of my own well-being so I don’t turn out exactly like you.

 

Your temper is my poison and I won’t let it fester.

The only antidote to my ailment is knowing that I’ll be out of this roof

Happier than I was living under it just like I was for the past two years.

 

I know that as a guppy, Mother said to be considerate of you and

I was told that deep inside, you do care.

Sadly, it’s excruciatingly difficult for me not to judge this book by its cover.

I just can’t pry it open to see the pages no matter how hard I try to interpret your rage.

But if this little message hurts your feelings,

It’s a dish served hotter than the volcano in the back of your head.

 

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison. It will always be my poison no matter how old we get.

The Elephant in My Cell

You came at a bad time.

A terribly, terribly bad time.

You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.

I was afraid you were never going to come.

I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?

Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?

Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?

Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?

 

I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”

I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”

I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”

But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.

The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.

 

I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.

I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.

Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.

 

Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.

A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.

 

My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;

“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.

Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.

Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”

When will the water cycle end for the both of us?

What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?

Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?

Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now

Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.

You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,

With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,

And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.

 

You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?

All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,

Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.

Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.

You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?

It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?

Mark On My Heart

Folder: 
Band Lyrics

Verse 1:
I cannot get you off my mind.

Those words you said:
Were they just beautiful lies?

Did you sell me an illusion

To believe in the dream of our future?

All I know is that

You left a mark on my heart.

Our spirits and souls are caged in together.

 

Chorus:
You tell me you trust me

Yet, your actions speak otherwise.

Why are you hiding behind your lies?

You are selling yourself short.

You’re not living until you are

Sure of what you want from me.

Tell me: What do you want from me?

You built up these false hopes

Yet, I keep coming back for more.

 

Verse 2:

All I know is that

You left a mark on my heart.

I cannot just let this go so easily.

Out of all my exes:
You are surely worth it.
You are worth the storms that follow.

Wherever you are, I will be too.

You taught me to love

In this harsh world.

 

Bridge:

Tell me: where do we go from here?

I know how deep and true your love is.

Though, this is accepted,

I know we are inertia.

Someone has to force us to be together.

Right here, right now,

We are the only ones that matter.

Right here, right now,

We can break free from what we except

Author's Notes/Comments: 

About a love that you cannot get out of your mind, heart, and soul.

History

Folder: 
Band Lyrics

Verse 1:
Forget everything, I hope we can.

Falling like a shooting star.

Where do we go when the light’s not changing?

Tell me if I can feel with my old heart again.

In my changed heart, I still carry the old feelings of our love.

In your mind, we’ve already just ended.

To our friends: we were perfect for each other.


Chorus:
On my face, you can see it clearly

That I want to use up everything I have

To repair our broken past.

Tell me, if you feel the same as me.

Our ships are anchored to each other.

Somewhere, somehow, I’ll find my way back to us.

 

Verse 2:

We have chemistry and history but

Tell me: what do you really feel about us?

Tell me if we’re better off as friends

Or just forbidden lovers in this world.

Tell me everything you are.

Tell me all the stories you have for now.

I can just tell that you’ve struggled in this cold world.

 

Bridge:
Can someone show me how to run away?

You have all of me yet

I’m left with nothing of you.

If there is any way:

Know that I’ll always love you.

Know that I’ll always be there for you.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

About a love that you cannot just forget....

Love Letter

How can I say I love you

Without sounding cheesy

”I love you”  there

You make loving you so easy 

 

Affection and nurturing 

Care and caress 

Alleviates my flection of my reflection

And my stress 

 

You found me so low

But with you I’m so high

I‘d miss you when you go

So don’t you ever say bye 

 

The stars in the sky

And the stars in your eyes 

A sky full of stars 

But you are my sky 

 

Keep me close, so I’ll be comfy

Whisper to me that you love me 

I’m not naive when I say

That I want you by my side like every single day

 

To the one I love, may our love never go astray.

 

 

 

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