Pain

To fix mt past!

To fix my past!

my past is filled with heartache and tears
full of ghosts ive locked away for years
but over time they've become so vast
and i've tried so hard to fix my past
i’ve fought to keep those memories at bay
but here they are and here they’ll stay
these memories inside have multiplied fast
i hope there's a way for me to fix my past
as i got older i’ve learned alot about me
and who i am is who i’m supposed to be
if i do go back then i would be recast
then should i go back to fix my past
my family and friends all know who i am
so if i do go back  i might not give a dam
and when i return i will have to be asked
just cause i wanted to fix my past
so here i am and here i’ll always remain
to others i’ll be hope so nothing's in vain
and someday when i am stronger at last
there’ll not be a need to go and fix my past!

  Zoeycup!!!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

this is something i struggle with everyday and putting it on paper and reading it a few times has helped me tremendously, hope it helps you too

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I'm Fine...


When, 'I'm fine'

becomes your generic answer,

because you know well,

they don't really care about the truth.

 

When tears just randomly fall,

in a silent, steady succession

and you never knew

...you were even crying.

 

When you actually,

physically ache inside,

from being so bereft

of even simple human touch.

 

When the only times

your cries are even heard

by anyone who'd care,

is within' your own head.

 

When you just want to run-

just start running,

but knowing full well,

you've nowhere, and no one, to run.

 

When your own traitorous voice

calls out inside you, screaming:

'Outcast! Unlovable! Unworthy!

Why don't you fight back!?

What's wrong with you!???'

And you simply whisper back, 'I'm fine.'

Steel

Folder: 
Depression

Love me until it hurts,

Youre like poison in my veins,

Youre an addiction,

I fell in love,

I fight for you,

Do I have your word?

Hold me forever,

A sweet and salty smell fills my nose,

Love me through the pain,

Dont ever tell me its over,

I promise to be there for you,

Dont give up on us,

Take my heart and hold it in your hands,

Feel it beating,

Know that this is all true,

I wont ever let you down,

I feel so numb,

Maybe I cut too deep,

It takes a moment to realise youre touching me,

Ive never felt more alone than I do now,

A feeling of freedom washes over me,

Quick sharp gasp,

How do you make me feel this way?

I crave you,

I cant run from the past,

It catches up with me eventually,

Try as I might I cant cut it out,

I feel youre haunting me,

Im addicted to the games,

Youre so beautiful,

Cold and unwavering,

Sharp and precise,

Deeper and deeper you push,

Completely under your spell,

Adrenaline rushes through me,

This thrill is intoxicating,

I never want it to end,

Each time trying to make it better than the last,

Chasing what I can never have,

Forever just out of reach,

You can go on without me,

I mean nothing to you,

All you have ever wanted is to control,

You know you have full control over me.

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RAW

Folder: 
Torn Love

Have you any idea how much it hurts to love you?

Do you even care?

Like a supernova exploding,

Firing off shards in all directions,

Pockmarked and scarred,

I know you dont care,

Within my dreams its never the truth,

Save me from this,

Let me go,

Love me back,

Tears fall and crash around me,

Cheeks stained,

Wake me up,

Under the scars Im raw,

Fire inside burns hot,

Scortching the flesh,

It hurts.

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TWISTED

Folder: 
Dark Love

You stuck a knife in me,

You twisted it and pulled it out,

You watched me bleed,

You enjoyed my suffering,

You couldnt have been more cruel,

You could have tried,

You poked the wound for fun,

You knew when it started healing,

You tore a gaping wound in my heart,

You laughed at my expense,

You liked the attention,

You liked being chased,

You were always going to hurt me,

You just made me blind to it,

You caused enough pain to open my eyes,

You let me slip through your fingers,

You saw my colour fade,

You drained my blood,

You caused scars,

You hurt me,

You never felt anything,

You lead me on,

You discarded me when it wasnt convenient,

You caused excrutiating pain,

You never cared,

You never said sorry and meant it,

You watched the last drop of blood,

You watched me die of a broken heart,

You are twisted,

You are cruel,

You lost me because I walked away.

I know why he chose you

Folder: 
Silent Hate.

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner.

 

Someone with tattoos

Someone with children

Someone easy

A whore

 

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner

 

Someone who would cheat on their husband

Someone who would cheat on their children

Someone easy

A whore

 

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner

 

Someone weak

Someone with low self respect

Someone easy

A whore

 

He chose you because you are everything he never wanted in a partner

 

Someone with no class

Someone with low self esteem

Someone easy

A whore

 

 

He chose you because he knew he would never want you. He wanted me but he needed a whore. 

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Unrequited Love

Folder: 
Silent Hate.

You told him you loved him.

He told me "I was doing it for us"

You told him you loved him.

He told me “She was just a hole to stick it in”

You told him you loved him

He told me “She was easy”

You told him you loved him.

He told me “I did what I had to”

You told him you loved him.

He told me “She meant nothing”

You told him you loved him.

He told me “She could have been anyone”

You told him you loved him.

He told me "The sex wasn't good"

You told him you loved him.

He told me “I had to think of you when I was with her”

You told him you loved him

 

He told me “I love you”

Alexander

Folder: 
What is Love?

To me and everyone else you were always Alex C.

 

I fell in love with Alex C.

I married Alex C.

I travelled with Alex C.

I wanted children with Alex C.

Alex C. Told me I was his everything

Alex C. Told me he could never hurt me

Alex C. Told me I was the only one for him

Alex C. Vowed to be loyal to me forever

 

My Husband Alex C.

 

Then one day you were Alexander.

 

I cried because of Alexander

I broke because of Alexander

I lost my love because of Alexander

I have a hole in my heart because of Alexander.

Alexander knowingly hurt me, more than anyone has hurt me in my life.

Alexander did unspeakable things to me

Alexander broke his vows

Alexander gave himself to someone else.

 

A whore’s lover, Alexander. 

 

 

You told everyone you wanted to be Alexander but no one listened. Is that still what you want Alexander?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My Husband always told people he preferred Alexander, yet Alex C. was what he used on everything, he would introduce himself as Alex and everyone always called him Alex...until her. She called him "Alexander". 

Hide my Heart

Hide My Heart

 

You're coming up

Too often in my thoughts

The welcome remembrance

The spark of your voice

The fact that I get a thrill

When from you I read

Slowly I'm yielding

Gently, I'm slipping

 

It's time to hide my heart

I refuse to get hurt

You've not come out

To declare that I'm yours

 

So I refuse

To slowly reserve

Myself for you

That, you don't deserve

 

I'm hiding my heart

With all diligence

Issues of my life

Require no negligence

So yes, with all might

I'm hiding my heart

 

 

 

 

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