fears

How, And Why?

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It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

 

 

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

 

Fears

Why do I cry alone at night

With tears of joy or pain

Or tend to sigh in loneliness

Dress guilt just like a chain?

Why weigh myself with tension

And bank on fear and stress

When I could rise or fail myself

By giving it my best?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It was a loooonnnnngggg thought train away from Tears for Fears. 

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*You Walked In*

October-7-2003 
Trisha M. Barrek Hopkins

You walked in 
And my broken heart went out the door 
And "me" you won

My heart 
My soul 
Everything within every part 
Keeping you love is my goal

When you walked in 
You set my fears free 
I've changed within 
I'm happier and everyone can see 
That you made me a difference 
I'm a newer person the whole way around 
I just love your presence 
That day was so wonderful you is what i found

I admit it it took along time 
To get where i am now 
You i want to forever wine and dine 
In every way i know how

I'm so beyond words it was you that walked in 
That brought such sunshine 
And such a great person to love 
I really truly thank the lord above 
That you're mine

Copyright

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*You're*

 
 July-8-2001 
 Trisha M. Barrek Hopkins
 
You're my shine 
After the rain
 
You're my water 
When the ocean runs dry
 
You're my tears 
When i can no longer cry
 
When I have not one friend
You're my peers
 
You're my courage
 When i can no longer try
 
You're my protection 
When i run into fears
 
You're my strength 
When i'm weak
 
You're my tissue
When i cry tears
 
You're my repair 
When i have a broken heart
 
You're my sound 
When i can no longer hear
 
You're my way 
When i can no longer be found
 
You're my day 
Before the stary night
 
You're my eyes 
When i no longer have sight
 
To me sweety you're: 
My everything 
Because together 
We have something 
We have eachother 
A special bond that'll last forever
From here to the moon
As long as we have each other 
Our Love will always bloom
 
Copyright
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Then I met “Me”

 

I have been building my place of hiding, my shell, since I was born,

At first the sole purpose was purely for safety from a possible storm

But as years progressed, my shell became tattered and torn,

So, I rebuilt my shell so indestructibly that it can always be worn

 

I was always “me”, but never for the world to see

My shell became my permanent home, where I found my safety

My tears were always my own, never to be spilt or shown to anyone not even me

Decades later, I came to realize that I’ve hidden “me” so deeply that I lost my very own identity

 

“Who am I?”

“Who am I supposed to be?”

“Panic stricken! I might as well not be…..”

I Raced my car, aimed - just so that I could “accidently” crash into a tree..

But then……, I met the “one” and I met “me”

 

A Total stranger whom I met coincidentally,

Who uttered only a few harsh words, and ended with a cold glance.

A man who stabbed my soul so intense and deeply without even giving me a chance

Little did he know, that he would be the one who brings me back to reality

 

 

 

 

Written by 

Dlr

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Enter My Fear

All of the welcoming emotion suddenly dies.
and the darkness shrouds the land in only misery's cries.

 

Enter grief!
A timeless ocean. 
Trapped of despair, trapped without relief
Enter the moon!
Endless racing of the thoughts.
Including you alone, trapped dead inside an empty room

The dead is holding you stiff once more!
Staring into your eyes, never have you felt so gone before

The time comes again, to pit against all that is you
Will you ever find the part of you that is actually true?

Paint the sky bleak
Consider everything we cannot speak

The one painting with the sun I painted as a child is lost.
Reality has broken the barrier, this is the ultimate cost



 

Deceitful Rain

How deceitful is rain? 

like on a hot summers evening

when the drizzle looks ice cold

but upon walking outside 

you find it hotter than the air. 

Or when the droplets look like satin 

falling gently to the earth

but when they touch your skin

it feels like you'll be left with bruises. 

My favorite is when a storm rocks you to sleep

then jolts you awake with a crash of thunder! 

Rain tempts my deceitfulness as well

because even though a nighttime storm is my favorite lullaby, 

I pretened it scares me to death so that I can cuddle up in your arms

and curl against your warm body, that protects me from my "fears." 

 

Maybe that's all the rain really wants, 

to be cuddled up and protected…

 

but then again, how can you trust rain? 

Latent Prince

 

 

..............

 

Part I of II

 

 

This is the story of Larry Joe Prince

And the way Arizona stole his innocence.

It is written with hope that there may come a day

When a wise judge will grant him his moment to say

All the things so conveniently left out of court,

Made American “justice” look more like a sport,

With a high-priced attorney that didn’t think clear,

And the false testimony of one with much fear,

And the state prosecute thought “I’ll surely reach fame”,

He said, “Hell, I don’t care who the state wants to blame,

It’s a paycheck to me; I don’t care about truths,

It’s my ego I feed, I’m a low lying sleuth!!”

 

So they all drew their “guns” on that guy Mr. Prince,

Absolutely no shred of secure evidence,

They proceeded to send him to death row to sit,

For the murder of one that he did not commit,

And the biggest and worst sin of all that was done,

Was the way that the people held on to their “guns”,

They embraced all the lies to evade what was clear,

As revenge prevailed justice with each little tear,

And for those in the grave who just watch from above,

With no longer a voice to teach them that real love,

Is not proven by putting the blame on a man,

Just because he is there….cause the courts and you can,

 

See the proof of one’s love speaks out so very clear,

Even after the grave when one’s body’s not here,

You will hear their soul cry, and you’ll then know for sure,

If they’re resting in peace or they’re haunted some more.

 

There are families that hide from life’s reality,

The dead man in this case begs you hear his soul’s plea,

Make amends for the errors you’ve made in the past,

And put down all those stones, and those already cast,

If this dead man could speak he’d have something to say,

Of the circus that ran through the courtroom that day,

And if not for the dead man then do it for you,

Cause we all have to answer to God what is true,

Larry Prince knows he’s clear and he wins either way,

                              Cause he’s INNOCENT judge, the state’s in disarray.                                

So please read all with care on this day we implore,

Please don’t look at this life as a game where you score,

It’s integrity that is of stake in this court,

And it’s not mine or yours it’s this country’s that’s short

Of a quality no longer active today,

If it dies, it’s the lives of our loved one’s…they’ll pay.

Take your time, read it all, and be true to your heart,

And we’ll all pray it’s not too late for a new start.

 

 

Part II of II

 

 

They all loved cocaine but they hid it from Dad,

He just couldn’t believe that his kids could be “bad”,

So his eyes he did close, and they stayed tightly shut,

While his best offspring died with that stuff in his gut,

And they said, “It was murder”, and placed the blame there,

Yes, it’s true ‘bout that bullet and blood in his hair,

And the roots of that crime have been hidden so well,

By the real guilty ones with the lies they did tell,

For those self-righteous ones that just stared and stood by,

And condoned this deceit without batting an eye,

For the cowards that watched as the killers went free,

Be aware this could happen to you or to me,

And your sons or your daughters could one day be led

To a place where they wish they would rather be dead,

So now don’t be afraid to let truths in your ears

When your children are hurting with eyes full of tears,

Don’t you cower or shudder, don’t whine and don’t wince,

And remember the story of Larry Joe Prince.

 

Written in parts, from 2000-2002

Original Copyright 2002 

Registration Number / Date:

                   TXu001112792 / 2002-12-02

 

..................

 

07/21/13 ©

 

*

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The story of how justice can go awry when emotions rule instead of justice ruling.

 

http://www.postpoems.org/authors/nightlight1220/prose/953553

 

...........

My Fears.

Dark figure in an alleyway.
Spiders creeping over your body.
Creature in dark water.
Water ripples around you.
Snake slitering towards you.
Room closing in.
Liquid dripping from the ceiling.
End of cliff breaking.
Falling.
Plane losing altitude.
Woods with no path.
The feeling that someone is watching you.
Red eyes in the pitch black dark.
Digesting poison.
Slowly starving to death.
Turning around to see a stranger.
The mirror talking back.
Voices controlling your actions.
Never seeing home again.