Lonely (January day 22)

everybody says I am

lonely but maybe

the fact that I hear all these voices

means I am only alone

outside my head.


everybody says there is

something we can do

to reach the lonely

to make them

spit out parts of themselves

into our mouths.


everybody says I am

alive every day by noon

I still feel like

half of me is out

somewhere in the night.


everybody keeps saying I am

not broken and I can still

feel the pieces I have

left behind on all the

roads no one sees.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 1/22/21


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The Willow Tree Will Keep Our Secrets


There’s a certain appeal to the bruise colored haze at the bottom
of a six-pack. She sits
on the kitchen floor, knees bent
out at acute angles, shuddering shoulder
blades pressing against skin
until the fine human film splits
and she falls – splits down the center

like the bottom of the Colorado mountain valleys we hiked last spring.

The skin of her cheeks would flush in the brisk mornings and I, alone,
learned every shade of tension stretched through her shoulders
when she’d bend
over to wash her hair in the stream.
Like the willow tree bends: graceful

limbs reaching to touch a quivering reflection.


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Why do I cry alone at night

With tears of joy or pain

Or tend to sigh in loneliness

Dress guilt just like a chain?

Why weigh myself with tension

And bank on fear and stress

When I could rise or fail myself

By giving it my best?


Author's Notes/Comments: 

It was a loooonnnnngggg thought train away from Tears for Fears. 

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Wandering into the unknown 

Traveling alone, on the lonely road

Emptiness swelling inside my mind

Constant suicidal thoughts pass me by

Coaxing me to fall behind

Convincingly, temptingly, opening my eyes

To see there is nothing left of me

Nothing stored for my future ahead

Pictures of my past on this screen

A private slideshow of what used to be

My life is playing over, in front of me

Hypnotized, mesmerized, by what lies ahead

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Another poem with no date. My mother printed a lot of poems that I had up on a website for years, so this is all much older.

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Every time you look at me this is what I want to say


How did I get so lucky?

I love you

not because you own me

but because you know me


Sometimes I try to choose my favorite picture of you

and then I realize that every picture of you is my favorite


Tell me

does it hurt being free

or are you catching me because

somehow I have made your arms into a net

somehow I am better than nothing


I thought I could fly

but now I’m cutting myself on the mountain peaks

and dipping too close to the dark


I am not anyone to chase

but I let you


with every word

every breath

every fingertip

you make

the yesterdays

when I didn’t have you

feel like so far from enough


She loves me like I’m brand new

when did I become so bold


I need to say

don’t date a writer

she will spend too much time looking up

and not enough looking at you

she will fall in love with every little inch of skin she paints


I am terrified

you are too good for me

we are too good to be pulling us down


People think

I am good at being alone


when I am alone

I scribble just how wrong they can get

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/22/17

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I have heard they whisper about me on the corner

and so I go there at the same time every night

to find out who I need to be tomorrow.


I have learned this lifestyle.


I have learned not to hate the mirror

because I built her myself,

gluing all the pieces I know together.


I have learned to believe my own worth-

how much I am

and how they see me.


But no matter how much I swear I love myself

I will always switch out the navy dress

when I see her in shorts,

I will twist my hair

to hide the color I thought I wanted,

there is some kind of comfort

in standing out by being exactly what they want me to be.


I am only known for all the words I react to

until the saltwater swells from my lungs

and they tell me

I am so good at crying myself into existence.


I am built of the bottle caps their hands ricochet off me

I process the world like looking in the mirror and

redeveloping that land with a touch that isn’t mine.


I am conjured from their thoughts of me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/13/17

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i long to...

I long to….

 By JFarrell


I long to


Let it out, let it all out;

Pain, anger,

Just plain old


I so want to

Let it out.


I long to

fall in love

To love another totally, absolutely

and be loved back

To be held




I long to

Be a better person

Not this stupid, waste of space;


If I were a better person

I wouldn’t have to

Long to….



I am





(may you all have beautiful rainbows in your life)


(and beautiful dragons too)


Author's Notes/Comments: 

what do you long to.....?

The Tree

As I walked down the road thinking,

How all hope had abandoned me...

I came up on a pitiful sight~

A bent, lonely and broken tree.

Tears fell from my eyes,

As I reflected on my life...

How much I felt like this tree~

Pitiful, broken and full of strife.

I sat down at the base,

Closed my eyes and begin to pray...

"Dear Lord, why did I give up.

And allow the strings of my heart to fray?"

He  answered with a whisper,

Like a soft and gentle wind...

You turned away from Me, my child~

But I promise this isn't the end."

He then went on to tell me,

To look at the top of the tree...

So I tilted my head skyward~

And saw two lovely green leaves!

Then God said "when you think you're alone

And feeling lonely broken and bent...

Look up to Me for reassuranc~

For My love is Heaven sent.

And like the two leaves,

That you now see...

I will ALWAYS be with you~

Especially when you're a broken and bent tree.

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A lonely introvert

growing pains

She's afraid of her mind so she keeps thoughts inside

no one will understand, so why even try? 

 just swallow them. Be alone and cry. 

Read self help books, be a good friend 

smile, hide, bury yourself, pretend. 

Get relief- hide, cry and do it all again. 

Until one day, cracks are too big to mask 

tears shine through, and she clearly sees. 

How can they care for me,or help, she asks 

for i have hid myself, my pain, my tears.

All they know is the mask. 

Not knowing the struggle to cover

Dark thoughts, tears, guilt and shame never expressed.

swallowed and silenced for no gain. what cold cruel pain! 

Tormented, alone and silent with a broken mask and a shattered spirit.

shes only seeking a friend. 

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