Lonely

Fears

Why do I cry alone at night

With tears of joy or pain

Or tend to sigh in loneliness

Dress guilt just like a chain?

Why weigh myself with tension

And bank on fear and stress

When I could rise or fail myself

By giving it my best?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It was a loooonnnnngggg thought train away from Tears for Fears. 

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Wandering

Wandering into the unknown 

Traveling alone, on the lonely road

Emptiness swelling inside my mind

Constant suicidal thoughts pass me by

Coaxing me to fall behind

Convincingly, temptingly, opening my eyes

To see there is nothing left of me

Nothing stored for my future ahead

Pictures of my past on this screen

A private slideshow of what used to be

My life is playing over, in front of me

Hypnotized, mesmerized, by what lies ahead

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Another poem with no date. My mother printed a lot of poems that I had up on a website for years, so this is all much older.

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Every time you look at me this is what I want to say

Folder: 
2017

How did I get so lucky?

I love you

not because you own me

but because you know me

 

Sometimes I try to choose my favorite picture of you

and then I realize that every picture of you is my favorite

 

Tell me

does it hurt being free

or are you catching me because

somehow I have made your arms into a net

somehow I am better than nothing

 

I thought I could fly

but now I’m cutting myself on the mountain peaks

and dipping too close to the dark

 

I am not anyone to chase

but I let you

 

with every word

every breath

every fingertip

you make

the yesterdays

when I didn’t have you

feel like so far from enough

 

She loves me like I’m brand new

when did I become so bold

 

I need to say

don’t date a writer

she will spend too much time looking up

and not enough looking at you

she will fall in love with every little inch of skin she paints

 

I am terrified

you are too good for me

we are too good to be pulling us down

 

People think

I am good at being alone

then

when I am alone

I scribble just how wrong they can get

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 11/22/17

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tags:

Conjured

Folder: 
2017

I have heard they whisper about me on the corner

and so I go there at the same time every night

to find out who I need to be tomorrow.

 

I have learned this lifestyle.

 

I have learned not to hate the mirror

because I built her myself,

gluing all the pieces I know together.

 

I have learned to believe my own worth-

how much I am

and how they see me.

 

But no matter how much I swear I love myself

I will always switch out the navy dress

when I see her in shorts,

I will twist my hair

to hide the color I thought I wanted,

there is some kind of comfort

in standing out by being exactly what they want me to be.

 

I am only known for all the words I react to

until the saltwater swells from my lungs

and they tell me

I am so good at crying myself into existence.

 

I am built of the bottle caps their hands ricochet off me

I process the world like looking in the mirror and

redeveloping that land with a touch that isn’t mine.

 

I am conjured from their thoughts of me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/13/17

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i long to...

I long to….

 By JFarrell

 

I long to

SCREAM

Let it out, let it all out;

Pain, anger,

Just plain old

Frustration

I so want to

Let it out.

 

I long to

fall in love

To love another totally, absolutely

and be loved back

To be held

Close

Tenderly.

 

I long to

Be a better person

Not this stupid, waste of space;

Maybe

If I were a better person

I wouldn’t have to

Long to….

 

And

I am

So

Trying

 

 

(may you all have beautiful rainbows in your life)

 

(and beautiful dragons too)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

what do you long to.....?

The Tree

As I walked down the road thinking,

How all hope had abandoned me...

I came up on a pitiful sight~

A bent, lonely and broken tree.

Tears fell from my eyes,

As I reflected on my life...

How much I felt like this tree~

Pitiful, broken and full of strife.

I sat down at the base,

Closed my eyes and begin to pray...

"Dear Lord, why did I give up.

And allow the strings of my heart to fray?"

He  answered with a whisper,

Like a soft and gentle wind...

You turned away from Me, my child~

But I promise this isn't the end."

He then went on to tell me,

To look at the top of the tree...

So I tilted my head skyward~

And saw two lovely green leaves!

Then God said "when you think you're alone

And feeling lonely broken and bent...

Look up to Me for reassuranc~

For My love is Heaven sent.

And like the two leaves,

That you now see...

I will ALWAYS be with you~

Especially when you're a broken and bent tree.

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A lonely introvert

Folder: 
growing pains

She's afraid of her mind so she keeps thoughts inside

no one will understand, so why even try? 

 just swallow them. Be alone and cry. 

Read self help books, be a good friend 

smile, hide, bury yourself, pretend. 

Get relief- hide, cry and do it all again. 

Until one day, cracks are too big to mask 

tears shine through, and she clearly sees. 

How can they care for me,or help, she asks 

for i have hid myself, my pain, my tears.

All they know is the mask. 

Not knowing the struggle to cover

Dark thoughts, tears, guilt and shame never expressed.

swallowed and silenced for no gain. what cold cruel pain! 

Tormented, alone and silent with a broken mask and a shattered spirit.

shes only seeking a friend. 

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Ready

I like my life the way it is
I enjoy the perks of being single
I love the freedom it provides
The liberty to flirt, to date, to mingle

But there are these constant reminders
That flying solo is just a fleeting delight
I can only do so much to ward off these thoughts
That plague me when I’m lonely at night


Its when I’m cuddled underneath the blanket
And when I'm lying there alone in the dark
Its when these blasted holidays come and go
And when I see them kissing in the park

 

Its when I know I’m incomplete
Longing for that which makes me whole
Life is a journey
Sweeter than honey
But so much sweeter when not traveled alone

 

You will be my best friend 
We’ll laugh together at our idiosyncrasies
We’ll be a network of endless support for each other

 

We’ll go on road trips together
Be spontaneous and take risks we never dreamed of taking
Make love in the wildest of places

 

I want someone to take our picture
I want to hear your messages on my phone
I know you have got to be out there somewhere
My other half who yearns to no longer be alone

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Odd Man Out

Sometimes, I realize how different I am.

 

A shape that doesn't fit into any one particular place

 

Odd man out

 

When I look back on how versatile I've always been

Lots of different cliques, not a singular type of friend

 

Expending everything I have to be someone people want to talk to

 

But for what?

 

What am I searching for?

 

 

I can identify so many beautiful things that I have

In real life

 

A short few people who actually love me, for me

 

When I need them, they come through

 

In depth long conversation

 

Or just a simple cup of coffee because they're near

 

These are tried and true relationships

 

 

Sometimes I realize how different I am.

 

The tallest tree in the forest, towering above those who directly surround her

 

Or the tiniest grain of sand, undifferentiated, lost in an endless desert

So much the same, but uniquely separate in perspective

Nothing better, nothing worse

Just different...

 

If I had the choice to be somene else, in another place, another position

I wouldn't think twice before turning it down

I realize this isolation is an opportunity to turn myself around

I was once lost, and once again I will be found

I know I won't find myself in the struggle of another

So, I'll stop attempting to drown myself in the company of others

The silence, the absence, the willingness to be with me

The effort, The choice, The solace

It's become my sole necessity

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I'm in a weird space within right now.

Trying to find the strength to go radio silent and let the true friendships surface.

Trying to find a true friendship with myself, and rebuild my connection to my spirit.

Distance and space are hard to do when you feel like you'll be missing out on others.

But, it's time.