everybody says I am
lonely but maybe
the fact that I hear all these voices
means I am only alone
outside my head.
everybody says there is
something we can do
to reach the lonely
to make them
spit out parts of themselves
into our mouths.
everybody says I am
alive every day by noon
I still feel like
half of me is out
somewhere in the night.
everybody keeps saying I am
not broken and I can still
feel the pieces I have
left behind on all the
roads no one sees.
There’s a certain appeal to the bruise colored haze at the bottom
of a six-pack. She sits
on the kitchen floor, knees bent
out at acute angles, shuddering shoulder
blades pressing against skin
until the fine human film splits
and she falls – splits down the center
like the bottom of the Colorado mountain valleys we hiked last spring.
The skin of her cheeks would flush in the brisk mornings and I, alone,
learned every shade of tension stretched through her shoulders
when she’d bend
over to wash her hair in the stream.
Like the willow tree bends: graceful
limbs reaching to touch a quivering reflection.
Why do I cry alone at night
With tears of joy or pain
Or tend to sigh in loneliness
Dress guilt just like a chain?
Why weigh myself with tension
And bank on fear and stress
When I could rise or fail myself
By giving it my best?
Wandering into the unknown
Traveling alone, on the lonely road
Emptiness swelling inside my mind
Constant suicidal thoughts pass me by
Coaxing me to fall behind
Convincingly, temptingly, opening my eyes
To see there is nothing left of me
Nothing stored for my future ahead
Pictures of my past on this screen
A private slideshow of what used to be
My life is playing over, in front of me
Hypnotized, mesmerized, by what lies ahead
How did I get so lucky?
I love you
not because you own me
but because you know me
Sometimes I try to choose my favorite picture of you
and then I realize that every picture of you is my favorite
Tell me
does it hurt being free
or are you catching me because
somehow I have made your arms into a net
somehow I am better than nothing
I thought I could fly
but now I’m cutting myself on the mountain peaks
and dipping too close to the dark
I am not anyone to chase
but I let you
with every word
every breath
every fingertip
you make
the yesterdays
when I didn’t have you
feel like so far from enough
She loves me like I’m brand new
when did I become so bold
I need to say
don’t date a writer
she will spend too much time looking up
and not enough looking at you
she will fall in love with every little inch of skin she paints
I am terrified
you are too good for me
we are too good to be pulling us down
People think
I am good at being alone
then
when I am alone
I scribble just how wrong they can get
I have heard they whisper about me on the corner
and so I go there at the same time every night
to find out who I need to be tomorrow.
I have learned this lifestyle.
I have learned not to hate the mirror
because I built her myself,
gluing all the pieces I know together.
I have learned to believe my own worth-
how much I am
and how they see me.
But no matter how much I swear I love myself
I will always switch out the navy dress
when I see her in shorts,
I will twist my hair
to hide the color I thought I wanted,
there is some kind of comfort
in standing out by being exactly what they want me to be.
I am only known for all the words I react to
until the saltwater swells from my lungs
and they tell me
I am so good at crying myself into existence.
I am built of the bottle caps their hands ricochet off me
I process the world like looking in the mirror and
redeveloping that land with a touch that isn’t mine.
I am conjured from their thoughts of me.
I long to….
By JFarrell
I long to
SCREAM
Let it out, let it all out;
Pain, anger,
Just plain old
Frustration
I so want to
Let it out.
I long to
fall in love
To love another totally, absolutely
and be loved back
To be held
Close
Tenderly.
I long to
Be a better person
Not this stupid, waste of space;
Maybe
If I were a better person
I wouldn’t have to
Long to….
And
I am
So
Trying
(may you all have beautiful rainbows in your life)
(and beautiful dragons too)
As I walked down the road thinking,
How all hope had abandoned me...
I came up on a pitiful sight~
A bent, lonely and broken tree.
Tears fell from my eyes,
As I reflected on my life...
How much I felt like this tree~
Pitiful, broken and full of strife.
I sat down at the base,
Closed my eyes and begin to pray...
"Dear Lord, why did I give up.
And allow the strings of my heart to fray?"
He answered with a whisper,
Like a soft and gentle wind...
You turned away from Me, my child~
But I promise this isn't the end."
He then went on to tell me,
To look at the top of the tree...
So I tilted my head skyward~
And saw two lovely green leaves!
Then God said "when you think you're alone
And feeling lonely broken and bent...
Look up to Me for reassuranc~
For My love is Heaven sent.
And like the two leaves,
That you now see...
I will ALWAYS be with you~
Especially when you're a broken and bent tree.
She's afraid of her mind so she keeps thoughts inside
no one will understand, so why even try?
just swallow them. Be alone and cry.
Read self help books, be a good friend
smile, hide, bury yourself, pretend.
Get relief- hide, cry and do it all again.
Until one day, cracks are too big to mask
tears shine through, and she clearly sees.
How can they care for me,or help, she asks
for i have hid myself, my pain, my tears.
All they know is the mask.
Not knowing the struggle to cover
Dark thoughts, tears, guilt and shame never expressed.
swallowed and silenced for no gain. what cold cruel pain!
Tormented, alone and silent with a broken mask and a shattered spirit.
shes only seeking a friend.