It Gets Better
January 27, 2021
Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.
Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed
since I was younger and had more time to write.
I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.
I've hoped for so long that I could find a place
where I can be myself and not have to chase
validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.
I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.
I have love all around me, with my family and friends.
They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.
I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand
that these problems I have are out of my hands.
It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.
If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.
I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,
just to have this cycle repeat itself again.
When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,
there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think
about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.
I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.
The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol
have never helped me feel better at all.
The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever
is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."
It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists
that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.
I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,
but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.
To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,
I don't want you to think that any of you shared
a part in this self-destructive game of my life.
In the end, everything will be all right.
Nothing will change in the world outside my own.
Everyone else will have a place they call home.
My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,
maybe for the others, it actually does get better.
I don't know what to write
or what to say or what to feel.
I want help but I'm too afraid
to show anyone what is real with me.
I can't seem to bring myself to terms
with my thoughts of a different future.
I can't change what I am
but if I could, I don't know that I would.
I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back
I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.
I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you
because you're the worst drug I've ever had.
Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.
Let me have some faith in myself, I might
sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.
Let me feel like I've done something right.
Only the drugs and the alcohol make me
forget where I am, make me forget that I need
them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and
remembering everything and start thinking
about the failure that has given up.
Hopeless and Denial
3/17/2019
Afraid,
Hopeless,
Fear.
Afraid to accept being single,
Scared of growing old alone,
Scared of getting screwed,
Hopeless that I am alone.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
I still ponder these words and phrases each day.
Sometimes I want to start again,
Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,
While the rest I want to get drunk.
Again, I ask myself,
Who am I?
Why am I here?
I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.
I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;
But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.
There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach. Because I am too afraid of denial.
As I always mention…
Who am I?
What do I want?
Why am I here?
I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am? I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.
I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.
Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.
They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.
A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back. Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!
Verse 1:
I watch you slip
Further away from me
As you make your dreams a reality.
Don't you dare forget about me.
Chorus:
I won't forget about
The promises we made together.
Those were the days
I felt alive with anyone.
Verse 2:
If it were me,
I'd melt your cold heart once again.
Just take me by the hand.
I'll guide you through hell and back.
Bridge:
If only you could see me now,
Home wouldn't seem so far away.
Now that you're further away,
Our memories flood back to me.
Last-Chorus:
Now that I'm no longer your's,
I feel dissonant.
Bring me to life.
Won't you take me home?
Verse 1:
Recall from memories
Refrain our thoughts
Do you remember,
Do you remember the times of our lives?
Chorus:
Won't you take me home tonight?
'Cause I'm always there for you.
Just take me home (take me home).
Take me on, babe.
Verse 2:
I still remember the drive home
When you told me
That I was a friend to keep for life.
It made life shine brigther.
Bridge:
After alll these years,
I never forgot our times togetgher.
It still brings a smile to my face.
Oh, at the things we do out of love.
Last-Chorus:
I cannot wait, cannot sleep, cannot eat
While you're gone and faraway.
Until you take me on, babe.
Take a chance on us, babe.
Verse 1:
For the first time,
Since I've last saw you,
I can feel again.
Melt my soul and spirit.
Chorus:
I'll be your everything
And I'll be so much more.
As long as we're together,
We'll never falter.
Verse 2:
Bring me to life.
Wake me up inside.
It's as if
You've cardioverted me.
Bridge:
My dead heart:
Our love has
Turned electric
In the air tonight.
Last Chorus:
Never Falter with the wind.
We're each other's shelter
From the storm.
We'll wait it out
Once the storms have passed.
Verse 1:
Anywhere, wherever you will go,
I'm never far behind.
'Cause I'll run home
To find you.
Chorus:
But, here am, I now,
Admiring the view.
I hope you think of me.
Neve ever, cut me loose.
Verse 2:
But I'm scared of
Mixing up the truth
When the best I've got
Is a falling domino.
Bridge:
A little push caused
A chain reaction.
I never thought that
You'd be my distraction.
Last-Chorus:
'Cause you're my poison, babe.
Things shouldn't have ended
The way they did.
If only you had believed in us.
Verse 3:
If only you'd believe in our love.
I cannot bear to walk
Further away from this love.
Our shelter from the rain
Were the leaves on a tree
We sought refuge in.
Come on, babe,
Make a move.
Take a chance on us.
'Cause tonight, I'm
Eternally your's to keep.
Oh love where are you hiding?
I need you so much right now..
The world is cold and cruel
i seek the warm edge of your knife against my heart
A diabolical pain id rather suffer
than a thousand degrees of separation
The darkness calls
Cloaked in light drawing me in
like a moth to its flaming end
A trival matter forcing a grave persuit
Is that all?
The end never is much.
It is simply the end.
I close my heart
The beats die
Alone in consciousness i reside
It seems so dire
I sit
Waiting
for the rest of me
to expire...
" The Decline of Everything Collection ." Dark literature for a Diminishing World . "
Pendleton, Oregon May 2015
quiet as a whisper .