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It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

I don't know what to write

or what to say or what to feel.

I want help but I'm too afraid

to show anyone what is real with me.

I can't seem to bring myself to terms

with my thoughts of a different future.

I can't change what I am

but if I could, I don't know that I would.

I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back

I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.

I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you

because you're the worst drug I've ever had.

Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.

Let me have some faith in myself, I might

sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.

Let me feel like I've done something right.

Only the drugs and the alcohol make me

forget where I am, make me forget that I need

them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and

remembering everything and start thinking

about the failure that has given up.

Hopeless and Denial

3/17/2019

Afraid,

Hopeless,

Fear.

Afraid to accept being single,

Scared of growing old alone,

Scared of getting screwed,

Hopeless that I am alone.

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I still ponder these words and phrases each day.

Sometimes I want to start again,

Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,

While the rest I want to get drunk.

Again, I ask myself,

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.

I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;

But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.

There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach.  Because I am too afraid of denial.

As I always mention…

Who am I?

What do I want?

Why am I here?

I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am?  I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.

I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.

Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.

They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.

A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back.  Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!

Verse 1:
I watch you slip

Further away from me

As you make your dreams a reality.

Don't you dare forget about me.

Chorus:
I won't forget about

The promises we made together.

Those were the days

I felt alive with anyone.

Verse 2:
If it were me,

I'd melt your cold heart once again.

Just take me by the hand.

I'll guide you through hell and back.

Bridge:
If only you could see me now,

Home wouldn't seem so far away.

Now that you're further away,

Our memories flood back to me.

Last-Chorus:
Now that I'm no longer your's,

I feel dissonant.

Bring me to life.

Won't you take me home? 

Verse 1: 

Recall from memories

Refrain our thoughts

Do you remember,

Do you remember the times of our lives?

Chorus:
Won't you take me home tonight?

'Cause I'm always there for you.

Just take me home (take me home).

Take me on, babe.

Verse 2:
I still remember the drive home

When you told me

That I was a friend to keep for life.

It made life shine brigther.

Bridge:
After alll these years,

I never forgot our times togetgher.

It still brings a smile to my face.

Oh, at the things we do out of love.

Last-Chorus:
I cannot wait, cannot sleep, cannot eat

While you're gone and faraway.

Until you take me on, babe.

Take a chance on us, babe. 

Verse 1:
For the first time,

Since I've last saw you,
I can feel again.
Melt my soul and spirit.

Chorus:
I'll be your everything

And I'll be so much more.

As long as we're together,

We'll never falter.

Verse 2:
Bring me to life.

Wake me up inside.

It's as if

You've cardioverted me.

Bridge:
My dead heart:
Our love has

Turned electric

In the air tonight.

Last Chorus:
Never Falter with the wind.

We're each other's shelter

From the storm.

We'll wait it out

Once the storms have passed. 

Verse 1:
Anywhere, wherever you will go,
I'm never far behind.

'Cause I'll run home

To find you.

Chorus:

But, here am, I now,

Admiring the view.

I hope you think of me.

Neve ever, cut me loose.

Verse 2:
But I'm scared of

Mixing up the truth

When the best I've got

Is a falling domino.

Bridge:

A little push caused

A chain reaction.
I never thought that

You'd be my distraction.

Last-Chorus:
'Cause you're my poison, babe.

Things shouldn't have ended

The way they did.

If only you had believed in us.

Verse 3:
 If only you'd believe in our love.

I cannot bear to walk 

Further away from this love.

Our shelter from the rain
Were the leaves on a tree

We sought refuge in.

Come on, babe,

Make a move.

Take a chance on us.

'Cause tonight, I'm

Eternally your's to keep. 

Oh love where are you hiding?

I need you so much right now..

The world is cold and cruel

i seek the warm edge of your knife against my heart 

A diabolical pain id rather suffer

than a thousand degrees of separation

The darkness calls

Cloaked in light drawing me in

like a moth to its flaming end

A trival matter forcing a grave persuit 

Is that all? 

The end never is much.

It is simply the end.

I close my heart

The beats die

Alone in consciousness i reside

It seems so dire 

I sit 

Waiting

for the rest of me

to expire...

" The Decline of Everything Collection ." Dark literature for a Diminishing World . "
Pendleton, Oregon   May 2015

quiet as a whisper .