I'm feeling weak
Like sunbleached bones in the meadow
You hear me shriek
Blood dripping from my crossbow
I killed my soul
Watched it whisper away like smoke
I'm a black hole
A punishment I have invoked
I lost my way
Suspended in a spider web
And no one stays
This dam which blocks the flow and ebb
I won't be found
Decomposing, I'm inside out
My flesh is bound
Wrapped in plastic like takeout
I can not breathe
Suffocated in memory
I start to seethe
My emotions in jeopardy
I can break free
I just don't have the energy
I'd like to flee
I won't because of lethargy
I will stay put
Sometimes I like my misery
Change is afoot
This too shall pass like history
It's not you,
It's not me,
It's not him
It's the world that has been
sucking us back in
to the dark void it's yet to fill
devouring our rainbows and
any shade and trace of light
and everything we hold dear
It's not you
It's not me
It might be
the words of a madman that
have devoured me piece by piece
ever since
until I suffocate and dissolve
into the nothingness I feel
at 3 a.m.
And I'm sorry if you knew this only now.
It's not you
It's not him
It's the constant fear
that has built a home
out of the shanties of my heart
Pulling the strings,
the triggers
on its whim
And I'm sorry but it's already won the war, I believe
It's not you
It's not me
It's not him
It's the inevitability I cannot escape
And so in silence, I shall
roam this world and carry
the memories of us,
your buzzcut and my smile,
and the glow I basked on with
in that April afternoon.
Forget about me.
“Who is he?”
I whisper to myself
as your eyes gaze off to the distance
and treat me with the unbearable silence
I’m a little too late, I guess,
I hear your eyes scream, they confess
It is him who holds your heart
The one you’d rather hold your hand
Under the city lights
In a cold November night
But my love for you is greater than his.
So do the honor and list down the things
you so liked about him
Watch me burn myself with a pile of leaves
and reborn as him
Just let me be your light, your candle tonight
I can be him, your lover, if you like
I’ll cut my wrist, drain the blood my ancestors
passed on to me
Replace it with the words he whispers
when I’m not around
Let his words flow down my veins so you may speak
and tell me all the things you never say to me
Slit my throat with the screen of the phone you use
To capture his face, his smile, the perfection, your muse
Because you never even once
took a picture of me
— or maybe my image is just
too hideous for you to keep?
What strength of lens does he use, you say?
I can smash mine down if it’s not the same
Use the shards to peel off my skin I so badly hate
Blessed is he to have the kind that keeps you sane
I’ll unclench my claws I’ve spent years to build
Pull them out and mold me his hands and feet
Let the blood spritz all over the room
Let them spell: HERE LIES A HOLY FOOL,
WHO SURRENDERED HIMSELF FOR LOVE —
BECAUSE HIS LOVE WAS NEVER ENOUGH.
Tell my mother I died a sweetest death
And I’ll be waiting in line in the Day of Resurrect
Pour out the gasoline all over my corpse for the final touch
Say a short Ignatian prayer before you strike the match
Watch my skin; watch my veins turn to ash, turn to dust,
as I’m enveloped and swallowed by flames
‘Cause I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of asking,
“Who is Carl, baby? I’m James.”
From now on, call me Carl.
I tried to change
I tried to gain your approval
Tried to bring back the smile you had when we first met
and the fire that kept us alive for hours in dark heavens
I tried to turn back time and find my purity
Bowed down and prayed to the Divine
Burned my Nietzsche books
and turned to your Ignatian rules
Climbed the thousand steps of El Salvador
on my knees
Lit two candles in San Pedro Church
and prayed
Abstained myself from Rand and Marx
Silenced the waves of the seas
inside my soul,
the loud beating of my dying heart,
the whispers of the cold wind
Dressed black on Friday nights
Slapped my cheeks with verses
of my sins
Recited the rites of holiness
to conjure your love
Dried up my eyes from hellish cries...
I swallowed you
Your blood, flesh, and tears
Like a sacrament, I welcomed it all —
even the dark clouds that moved
around you
Didn't I hear the heavens and saw
the angels in you?
Still, my demons are here to stay and say,
Why am I still not enough for you?
How can be enough for you?
I was but a faithless faithful married to my odes
A paradox of love and hate
A chainless slave of death
The master of a destiny roaming down lonesome roads
You came one day and I knew what to expect
Dark-red roses and a month for my heart to wreck
Like many of my poems, this love too will come to dust
In the comfort of the night, this bond will start to rust
But your light is stronger than my pessimism
Like a blanket in a stormy night, you envelope me
The touch and warmth of your skin tells me to believe again
In the vision of a tomorrow where I’ll never be alone again
With your lips, I remember my youth and hopes and dreams
With your hands, you take me back before I began to fear
With your tongue, you breathe life to my long-lost faith in heaven
With your eyes, I begin to hope and love again
And so then I took down my Berlin Wall,
Forgetting my sorrow and fear to fall
The Cold War is now over and the Sun has come
Here comes the Summer I've waited years to come
A puzzle I want to unravel,
You upped my curiosity
You bring more questions than answers
Testing my long-held tenacity
Years of reasons have finally abandoned my sanity
What is left is your voice and the visions of our promises
Gone are the days I preferred Rand and Hegel than your predictable daily updates
I now only crave for your fucked-up emojis and monotonous 'Hi's' and 'Hey's'
Wreathe me with your holy Marian poetry
As I undress my Peregrine peculiarity
Cast away the bedlam of the world
And cover me with your celestial words
If this love is a game of dark and light
Take me to Bethlehem where the stars breathe life
I'll lead you to my deepest sorrow
Off to Gethsemane our hearts shall go
The coating underneath
Eats away at surface cracks
You peel layers of me
As if I'm scabby flesh
We work on me
Like we're dissecting the abnormal
Pushing and pulling
Vulnerability grows
Haunting trails of voices
Linger in the open world
Soon growing hands
Upon my neck to grasp
Eyes too tired to be vibrant
You've given me a sorrowful glow
Dark truths, a halo for my head
Misery flaunts an awful tone
When we hear our names,
We light up
When the world is dim,
We try to escape
Maybe I don't want to escape
Because Sarah is Misery
I'm not me when I'm not faking my smile
After our time
I met someone
They invited me to a movie
Then to lunch
Then to their home.
But with each visit.
The more friends we made.
I enjoyed their company.
And Theyve enjoyed mine.
Ive put our past behind us.
So id like you two to meet.
Have you met Miss Ery?