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Hopeless and Denial

3/17/2019

Afraid,

Hopeless,

Fear.

Afraid to accept being single,

Scared of growing old alone,

Scared of getting screwed,

Hopeless that I am alone.

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I still ponder these words and phrases each day.

Sometimes I want to start again,

Other days I just want to be crazy stupid,

While the rest I want to get drunk.

Again, I ask myself,

Who am I?

Why am I here?

I see all my friends having loved ones, marriage, pregnant, etc… and then I see myself sitting here and not living my life to the fullest.

I try to update my online profiles or at least have a gal to notice me;

But then I re-read myself and I am sure every woman has heard all of the cheesy pick up lines all the men have told them… and I simply give up.

There have been days I simply have wanted to give my number to a coworker (or as theirs) or even more to a customer… But I feel stupid in doing so and become shy about my approach.  Because I am too afraid of denial.

As I always mention…

Who am I?

What do I want?

Why am I here?

I know try too much… I always have and I know women “sense” that… but do they also sense of how hopeless I truly am?  I do not want pity from them or sympathy; but I do pity myself all too much into denying on who I am.

I always tell my friends and coworkers… that they are always Number 1 just below my Family and that I am Number Two; but in reality, I am Number Five in my book… always last and never first.

Almost each night I cry myself to sleep… where sometimes I just want to spin myself in drinks and get drunk who knows where.

They always say that the “quiet” ones are the ones one should fear most; but sometimes the most talkative ones can be just as bad because they are afraid of being judge.

A long time ago, I accept that I am constantly talked about behind my back.  Especially at my age since of the job I currently do.. But that hasn’t stopped me on who I am nor will it ever!

 Society

Walking in my dream like state

wondering

when will it end?

The darkness

too overwhelming

to handly by myself

The lonliness 

too strong for me, 

for us

Who decided

to let me be like this?

Why am i the way i am?

People say

we can be who we want to be

but

thats not true. 

Society doesnt allow that.

We can try

but

society wont allow it.

When I was young,

I was so carefree,

At least that’s how

It seems to me,

Ain’t it sad

How things turn out to be?

Full of hope,

Full of passionate dreams,

A thrilling new world

Lay right before me,

Ain’t it sad

How things turn out to be?

Glass half full,

Then it’s half empty,

My mood can change

So very unpredictably,

Ain’t it sad

 How things turn out to be?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57MUtZbXChM

There was a sadness I revered,

But never possessed,

Because there was youth

And opportunity to spare,

But as life ebbs,

And opportunities recede,

I know that sadness for real,

And how sad true sadness feels.

When the sun fades away 

and the day turns into night

That's when I'll think of you

When the sky is dark 

And the moon is bright

I'll know it's you and

That's when I'll think of you

You were my strength

You were my inspiration

I'll never forget the day you saved my life

By showing me how to love without hesitation

You were always there for me

Whenever I felt alone

The way you would hold me

And comfort me with your soothing voice tone

When the rain drops fall

And there's no one beside me

That's when I'll think of you

When the snow covers the ground

And there's no one to guide me

That's when I'll think of you

Through out the years

You've given me laughter

You've given me tears

Through out my life you've given me hope

To go and start a new chapter

Always giving me love and support

By being my hero and taking away all my fears

So, whenever I'm missing you

I'll sit in the sun

I'll look up to the sky

If the moon is bright

I'll know it's you 

And that's when I'll be thinking of you

I'll stand in the rain

I'll walk in the snow

You'll forever be in my heart

And I'll always be thinking of you

Every tear I cried helped you sail farther away

Every breath I sighed filled your wings to fly

You mastered the wind and waves to leave me

You cried as the storms only pushed you along

And then You, that magnetizing, gravitating whirpool

Leading men down to watery graves

Pulling the breath from many men's lips

And crushing them in your depths

It was difficult for me to lose you

I heard your siren's call

But I stuffed my ears and tied myself up

I knew you had nothing but death

Lastly to you, I won't say that there isn't beauty in your suffering

Only that those of us who can see it are pretty messed up

Trying desperately to find a silver lining in a thundercloud

A refreshing sea-breeze in a hurricane

Like the aurora borealis

Or the spritely fox-fire

You're a natural mystery

Filled with hidden meanings

My muses

My fates

My inspirations

I gave you my all

And you all left me wanting

I shut myself from the entire world
As i fall deeper in your love
High and low below the seas i travel to meet with you
Melt my sorrows in your eyes just to drink a minimum of your love
Try to interact with your world to shine it's kindness over me
But your heart was too busy to recognize my words
To your calls i come running just so you could spit onto my face
They tried to warn me but poor heart was too far dabbled in your waters
Poor did I tried to reason with the facts but reality was too obviously to be true.

Gavin Sebake ©10.24.2018

“I had a child just like you”

She said to me that day

Waiting in the hospital

On my knees to pray

She didn't know who I was

Her mind just couldn't see

That I knew who she talked about

The child was truly me.

We'd had this converse once before

And many before that

The degradation of her mind

Was obvious, as she sat

And prattled on about her son

How happy he will be

With her family when she comes home

And I had to agree

She never found her memories

Or recognized my face

After everything she went through

She's in a better place

Where memories last forever

And can't be lost to time

Where human bodies don't break down

Always in their prime

Many years have come and gone

I can't recall them all

It's not like I haven't tried

But the thoughts just have a pall

I try to stare back to the past

Peer directly through the grime

Just like a fog covered my eyes

It's hard to see through mists of time