What It Is

I feel like every single thing is like a mind game,  played and laid out for me

I can't feel a single thing, like I'm not blind, but I still can't see


What is it really? Perhaps it's not that important?

Tell me what it is, or is it just my own comportment?


I have walked in the very things I've looked down upon

What I once thought was selfish, now I too am wrong


and now there is blood all over my hand

But I have no idea why, I just don't understand


This is a complication called the human mind

Irony, double standards, hypocrisy, A place to be so blind


To wallow and loop in this thick puddle of shame

For the mistakes commited, I fairly wore the blame


Knowing is the beginning is something I suppose

It's better to learn, rather than to find it to oppose.


So I guess I'll take my feelings and throw them to the floor

I'll leave you where you originally were, trapped inside a closed door


And you can echo your goodbyes

as you embrace yourself to the ink of sheer ignorance and sighs..


Bound by the cities

Bound by another one's pity's

Expect a place to be

Or expect not want to be seen


And I'll take you as walking money

I see you as a pretty big funny

We and I, all have found our place

And you my dear, have barely found a face

Bound to me, and to my briefcase

I'll lend you a smile, but you're a secret disgrace


Find the comfort in another's eyes

But in reality, another girl will have them hooked on their clever disguise

Find a place to be

Or expect not want to be seen


Stuck in a rut

With no qualities, not knowing what

Who are you and what are you in this city?

Gone and withdrawn, alone and all shitty?

Expect a place to see

Or expect us to be mean


For you are bound

What goes around, comes around

You are stuck here, forever with me

With no voice, or founding plea


For you are bound

My slave, to paint my sacred ground

The Poison In You

What if I wasn't like you?

And I was just me, and Myself was true?


And if you did bad would it mean I would too? 

Would it mean if I did it, I'm exactly like you?


Would I be subject to your evil?

Would I be subject to your internal upheaval?


What if I am good in spirit,

And you might just rather not hear it


And if I did bad, does it mean I'm just like you?

Looking for an excuse for the culprit that causes blue?


Decisions left to baseless comparison

Myself gone from me, and origin

She tells me so, I'm just like him and her

Do you see my other qualities as just a blur?


Bring my poison, she admits me to it

Determines me as someone else and then she sits


Then, who am I?

A continuation of your deranged views, someone elses cry?

What is Okay?

Tell me, is it ever really "Okay?"

At times I wish I could disappear, away from the day.


Tell me, was it really all a mystery?

Or was I really something plagued by history?

Judge me, try to reason my scars,

Yet, were you there for  my unreasonable wars?


Did you ever set foot in my shoes?

Taken account of what brings the blues?


Tell me, does it really matter?

If I was any more the sadder?

Perhaps it's just my business, only my trouble.

Not another place to intrude into my bubble.

I'll solve my self alone, and myself alone only

Not for you to break my silence, maybe tonight, I'd just like to be lonely.


Blame my shortcomings for my scars if you dare.

For me, it just occurred, the past isn't something I ever chose to wear.

Where's there's a heart there's no mercy


can hear my heart ache under the strain of a million thoughts..all pleading to escape, or move, or do whatever they do.

Is it to be happy, to find peace?  No they ellude peace, hunkering down, with all of their legs, laying eggs to hatch tomorrow or the next day.

Waiting for you to sit and find calmness. Hoping to disturb. It needs to burst.  

There's not enough room in that heart to contain all of the pain... How did it fill so full.. soo young, so often?

Each time feeling like the last, but only preparing for the rest to come.  Please ask it to spill, to release, not expand for others to begin.

The constant piercing has to end but that dream stays distant as a sunset running into the darkness.

If only I could catch up, hold on and wrap my arms around... It would feel sooo good, to find the peace .......do you hear it...?

The knocking... Their trying to escape.. It's about to begin... again....

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It Would Take (More Than) A Miracle


Miracle, I look for you thrice more
Bring the shadow of what we once were
We've been given two chances
One for me, a second for you.
Reason restrains the hope of another


The heart in me begs a whisper with you
"We shine so bright my love"
"My dearest, we'll go so far, I know"

Enchanting in retrospect, I'd hate to taint that
Forced logic and tattered pride deny my desire


Evermore ache for your true love touch

Yet no matter how hard I want

I know deep down, I can never have

Still, you are my north star
So beautifully out of reach


- ¡¿†¥lΣ®?!


Author's Notes/Comments: 
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Feelings Hurt

You are so sweet and so sensitive. Your express such deep pain with your words. If I were to see you in front of me now, I would give the biggest hug, and let you cry the hugest crocadile tears ever cried to let you know it is so right for you to express your feelings of whatever they may be.   Life can be a beautiful and easy living experience, or it can be difficult , dramatic, and full of ups and downs. I have lived both. My choices today are based upon the scales within me that weigh the huge sides of the chasm that separates my joys and my pains, and I am the only judge of that.. That chasm is different for everyone and there is no "book of rules" as to what is "fair" and what is not. We have to decide for ourselves. Our society has tried to create "laws" to bring some possibility of "normalcy" as to what is "acceptable" and what is "unacceptable"...unsuccessfully. The most that they seem to be able to do, is make the chasm smaller and smaller, until one day,the chasm may be so small, that perhaps even these very words of truth will be considered "abusive".   

So the important part in this is to forgive. Forgive the person, but most of all forgive yourself for allowing yourself to think that loving another person means that you will get the results you want. The difficult part about loving as a human being is that there is no guarantee...ever...that the people you love will love you back in he same way you love them. And when you find the one that is right for you, your reward will always be in the loving itself, and not in what you expect in return. That is what love is. Love is in the loving. Love is in "being" love itself. It is it's own reward, and the rewards are felt and seen by you in your own capacity to love more and more as each hurdle you fly over passes and new ones appear in your life journey.     

There are so many people who have brought such wonderful joy into my life. Many times, those same people have brought unbearable pain. It took me many years to accept that this is just the way we are as human beings. We will not always get along, we will have moments of joy, betrayal, mediocrity, (sometimes not such a bad thing considering the price paid when one lives as a thrill seeker, just my opinion), and great heartache. Don't let anyone place limits on how good or bad your life will be. YOU are the only one who has the right to do that, and I hope you learn where they are for you, but love will never change for you. It is unconditional, and YOU, are loved by the universe..."unconditionally".    I wish you peace and healing. Hugs. ♥


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One day

This is how the story goes.

A lonely boy, trapped in his self-consciousness, aggravated by others

Meets a girl, a girl trapped in her self-consciousness, their minds connect at once

They go through the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly

They go behind authority just to see each other's faces

To keep that horror of self-consciousness away

But one day, that girl goes too far

One day she thinks she can have it all

One day she doesn't tell him about her feelings for him

And that's when the story truly begins   


The boy and girl talk, they work it out, they think it'll all be fine

He starts to notice her changing, changing in ways he thought he'd never see

He thinks its just a phase

He thinks "everyone goes through these phases, she's just going through one"


She doesn't stop.


He starts to adapt to her, starts to forget how she used to be

Starts to forget the girl that he fell for in the beginning of the story

Starts to pay the price


"Every relationship has their ups and downs"

Yes but that relationship wasn't a rollercoaster

It was a free fall, a free fall that doesn't stop when it hits the ground

But somehow goes further and further down into the dark abyss of the unknown world

The boy, that stupid naive boy is blinded, scared that everything will come back

But he doesn't think that he wants everything to come back

He doesn't think that that self-consciousness is worse now then it ever was

When did he hear those words that would light his face up

When did she give him everything he wanted

When did she give him everything he needed


One day reality comes in

The day that has been needing to come, but has been dreaded

That girl does it for the last time

That boy still hiding behind his fears of being alone


It ends

It ends for them but not for him

She goes off to accomplish new things and to create this very story for more people

He doesn't go off, he falls back into darkness of his own demons

Getting pulled further and further back every time a glimpse of hope enters that dull head

Not knowing where he is headed

He tries fighting for his freedom

Tries to run back towards the light

But what he doesn't know is he's running backwards

The light is out of reach from him

Burying himself deeper in the ashes of his life's destruction

He fights, he wants to be a phoenix but instead he's a deer in headlights

Not knowing where he's going

Not knowing where he needs to go

Instead of finding all that out he sits and lets everything take control of his body

But what he needs to be doing is standing up for himself

He needs to crawl out of the darkness to be exposed to the beauty of the world

He pushes the demons away

Pushing them further and further

Pulling him closer and closer

He reaches it

He sees it

He believes it


And the story end

The story ends for that little self-conscious boy

But another story begins for a man that has seen everything

A new beginning

A good beginning.


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O'Brien said
the whole girl thing
was a falsity
why waste your time


on them?
he'd told Baruch
yes why?
Sutcliffe said


in an echo
as they walked home
from school


the New Kent Road
holding a cigarette
to one side
a thin line


of smoke
from his mouth
as she spoke


Baruch said nothing
about Fay
he just listened
thinking of her


as they walked along
his hands
in his pockets
his scuffed shoes


treading the pavement
his eyes looking
at Sutcliffe
at his blonde hair


and bright blue eyes
and O'Brien
with his shock
of brown hair


 and his crafty eyes
I've yet to meet a girl
worth losing sleep over
he said


not a wink of sleep
Sutcliffe added
Baruch had seen Fay
the day before


on the way home
 by the church
on the corner
of Meadow Row


she in her catholic
school uniform
clutching her satchel
her bright eyes on him


her fair hair
by the afternoon sun
how they had walked together


up the Row
she talking of the nuns
at the school
about the whole Latin thing


about the long list
of saints she had
to remember
he took in


her anxiety
her paleness of skin
he told her
of the pottery teacher


who ridiculed his pots
and how he did it
in front of the class
holding up the pot


and running it down
not that I care a toss
Benedict said
least not


about the pot
and they crossed
Rockingham Street
and up the slope


and there they waited
gazing at each other
the silence
like thin silk


he wanted to kiss her
but not doing so
she wondered
if she could get


nearer to him
maybe much closer
but feared her father
might hear of it


and he didn't like Baruch
didn't like the Jew boy
keep yourself free
of them


O'Brien said
girls cling to you
like leeches
and suck


the being
out of you
with their petty wants
yes wants and wants


Sutcliffe echoed
Baruch paused
by the hairdresser shop
by the crossing


opposite Meadow Row
best get home
Baruch said
yes me too


said Sutcliffe
hope my cousin's gone home
she's been with us
for weeks now


and always
in the bathroom
and wandering the house
in her almost


see through night dress
sure sure
O'Brien said
bet you hate that


and he laughed
and Sutcliffe walked off
home the cigarette
behind his back


in his inky fingers
see you around
O'Brien said


and wandered on
up the road
and Baruch
saw him off


and crossed the road
and walked down
Meadow Row
thinking of Fay


and that moment
he almost kiss her
how they stood
gazing at each other


he gazing
at her fine beauty
her figure 
and she fearing


her father
would know
and the nuns
at the school


always writing to him
about her
and what she does
and does not


and she seeing
Baruch there
feeling her heart beat
and sensed feeling hot.


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