and then there are the days
that are no more than impossible
they feel like something the world wrote down for me
as an outline or a moral
I should treat them as experiments-
if I can write this word I’ve made my own day
if I can make this doorway I’m coming home
wrestling with my mind as if
it is the one that belongs to me
I can almost hear the laughter
silly little girl
she thinks she knows what she’s doing
she thinks she knows who she is
and that autonomy isn’t a rope
I will rip out of her hands
as the seconds slip by
and she realizes how wrong this is going
I still miss you as much as I miss who I could have been
I know there has to be a state of mind
somewhere,
like when I stop moving and my body
disconnects,
a place I can’t feel this
//
there are the days
I have a mind that is taken over by these arms this heart this monster of a skin
sex with you is deliberate
a pattern we pick out
and is it too much to ask
to not want to know you’ll want me tomorrow
so it can come as a surprise
so something strikes deep in my chest
when you walk this way
and I don’t have to call it regret
I don’t think I know the way to make someone want
and I keep losing the way with you
leaving pebbles and pepper and heartache every place I think I should kiss
letting my eyes wander and losing my center of balance
I leave already in lust with you
I have all of the burning but none of the rules
no compass for this world of body
//
I want to be someone’s bright and someone’s story
I reach out to every hand and dust slips through my fingers
I don’t think I know the way to separate my mind from what holds it
to carry myself the right way and still carry these thoughts
in what dark recesses of torture remain
exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain
to keep us sane and deliver us from evil
so goes the creed of an everlasting people
unending doubt resonates to be
impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream
scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk
prevention of fortune in a world of luck
forever told from stories past
eerily reminiscent of perpetual task
systems of new destroyed wisdom once known
for all apart of a world unsown
grimmace and malice plagued once more
in dire times that conjured vile scorn
but it was hope that was given once last chance
now grows a tree from the seed of our past
There in front of me
Standing
With no way around
It hits me
Waves of pain and devotion
It's an emotional ocean.
There's a sanctuary outside of my mind
But my mind had me confined
Inside of this rhyme
Running out of time
To find
This peace that I must've left behind.
I was seated in a car,
but we weren’t driving.
Mysterious man with me,
Alhireth-Hotep; I suspect Thee.
Bags were on the road,
Babies popped out.
Yes, my mind is weird
but it makes me proud.
I stepped out of the car,
this I had to see!
But a black man with a gun,
was halting me.
I tried to ignore at best,
I had to take the babies
away from this evil man,
and I looked at the bag;
another popped out!
Traversing the worst terrain
the crust is veined and stained
by the binary brain system,
but I see some distant twisted vistas
colored by crystals,
covered by mystic thistles
with little meteor missiles
hitting the moons above,
I was in love…
Sad that I
had this iridescent
event of bliss broken
by the splatter of the Hatter’s
Mercury Flurries
upon grey matter,
now the circuitry is in disarray
and I’m flattered by the way
you hate me.
Tirelessly Training
maintaining my whole grain insanity,
my humanity,
I’m positive that the cause of it
is this Pearlescent Pear Wine,
it’s the definition of divine.
Please remedy, sit steady,
so ready to recline
and read some lines
to the fading
alien
sunshine.
Fuck god, fuck god,
Stop,
Ugh, now you are going to lose everything,
Fuck god,
Ok dont stop,
Fuck god, fuck god,
You gotta remember,
Fuck god,
Don't push thoughts away or they will get worse,
Fuck god, fuck god,
Freaking damn it,
Stop,
I wanna slam my head in the fucking wall,
Don't,
Don't,
He knows you don't mean it,
He knows,
They know you don't,
Nothing is going to change,
Hey,
Hey,
Listen to me,
Listen,
Nothing is going to change,
They know your heart,
Fuck god all you want to,
All you want to,
Its ocd.