Struggle to Survive

I'm just trying to survive

In this world of prying eyes;

Of hateful lies and hurtful sighs.


This world of fear of what you lack;

Of monsters clinging to your back.

I'm just trying to survive.


I'm sorry if I stray away

From you and your set way.

I'm just fighting to survive.


So please forgive me my transgression,

My sins that lack confession,

And all this pent up aggression.

I'm just struggling to survive.

Not one single tear



Not a tear will out a sigh,

Not a tear will hold goodbye,


Not a tear will grace my cheek,

Not a tear for then I'm weak,


Not a tear will drip and fall,

Not a tear to bawl then call,


I will have the driest eyes,

Colder than december brides,


Yes I will know no tears for you,

For if I'm asked- I'll answer who!?

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They're out to get you!

There out to get you


People wonder why I'm a shut in and don't go out alone

And it's simple mathematics unlike a bankers loan

You ask them for assistance and get no till your blue

They don't care if you are homeless cuz there out to get you

I hate all this fear of what tomorrows fighting will bring

Just like the night before a battle to a mighty king

It's on going all the time and I don't know what to do

But one things for certain there out to get you

When will this madness and misery all just go away

With my luck it's hear to stay deep inside me come what may

Someday maybe I'll be OK and my smile won't be past due

And all will be right again cuz they won't be out to get you

Becky Chadbourne.




Author's Notes/Comments: 

Hope you all like it!?

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I am still alive

I'm still alive


Silently crying at night

I'm still alive


Slowly breaking apart

I'm still alive


Dark demons inside

I'm still alive

Not broken

Falling but rising up high.

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The Lost Soldier/Bride part 1


Please don't leave me, please don't go

When you are gone the days will feel slow.

Every second you're away I will think of you.

I will write you, will you write too?

Will you come back, or will you die fighting?

Will you go with courage, or will you die hiding?

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And 10,000 Miles Left in Question

Gone and running in an irreversible tension
And 10,000 miles left in question
Of ideas we just forget to mention

And the thoughts are left in the dark and disappear
and in comes walking, the unavoidable fear
A unknown direction, a road we somehow got sucked in to steer

Trying to take calm within the unpredictable shadows
Take control of your senses and dodge your arrows
and forget all of the anxiousness that somehow follows

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I was on the bus and the beginning part just clicked in my head,

The rest I came up within a few minutes.

What It Is

I feel like every single thing is like a mind game,  played and laid out for me

I can't feel a single thing, like I'm not blind, but I still can't see


What is it really? Perhaps it's not that important?

Tell me what it is, or is it just my own comportment?


I have walked in the very things I've looked down upon

What I once thought was selfish, now I too am wrong


and now there is blood all over my hand

But I have no idea why, I just don't understand


This is a complication called the human mind

Irony, double standards, hypocrisy, A place to be so blind


To wallow and loop in this thick puddle of shame

For the mistakes commited, I fairly wore the blame


Knowing is the beginning is something I suppose

It's better to learn, rather than to find it to oppose.


So I guess I'll take my feelings and throw them to the floor

I'll leave you where you originally were, trapped inside a closed door


And you can echo your goodbyes

as you embrace yourself to the ink of sheer ignorance and sighs..


No room to breathe-

All our times been wasted,

Two love feens.

No escaping thee-

Fetal position,

And my mind-

Casting shadows of envy.

But eating me-

Thoughts grow like vines,

Impossible to scream.

You're regretting me-

So hard,

I can taste it.

And it haunts me.


Why can't I sleep?

When I have these dreams-
They turn to nightmares.

You're leaving me,

All of my hidden schemes-

Burst into gold flares.


All of the lights.

Soon you'll see why-

I put up a fight.

Your love never lied-

With it,

My eyes swell up with pride.

I sit and plead-

My heart would sing.


Dulling this agleam.

No Regrets



Sitting here in the study, blank, emotionless. Thoughts crowd my mind, pushing, shoving, stifling the room, filling it to the brim with flashes of memory, like clips from a film come to life, played all at once, competing for dominance, struggling to survive as I try to drown them in noise of my own, humming half-forgotten tunes and whispering words of comfort into the cold air of the room as I become a child again, crying as my father swings a fist at my brother, praises me in public while privately telling me I will never amount to anything. Then a teenager, withdrawn, quiet, limbs long and far too thin, skin pale, almost translucent, hesitantly smiling at people I pass, recieving judgement in return, cold, hooded stares that cause the whimpering, pleading child within to quail. On the outside the smile still shows. Despair and depression co-mingle with anger as I come of age. My attempt to end it, cut short by the realization that one other relies on me, my sister. Suicidal tendencies snap and wither in seconds, replaced by all-consuming fire, a roaring forge lit from deep within. 


Taking a stand. Shouting. Screaming. Showing the train track marks on my arms, my legs. Vindictive pleasure as dawning horror and shame ripple across his face, ripping him apart as easily as my mind has been continually, constantly shattered for years, my whole life. Sharpening anger as he tries to apologize, make up for it, but the damage is already done, can never truly be healed. Sister's safety secure, moving out, one thousand miles away. Leaving everything and everyone I'd known and loved behind. 


Tearful parting with my sister, promising to keep in touch, to get better. To heal. She alone knowing the depth of the cracks and breaks, knowing the strength of the vortex so capable of pulling me under into madness, knowing how delicately balanced I have become. 


Deep, even breaths now, the air seems lighter. Grip easing on the pillow clutched in my hand, I close my eyes and smile.


I would do it all again, in order to be who I am now.


No regrets.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My prose is not pleasant.

I write from reality,

Attempting to describe

To communicate,

To keep others from breaking

As I have been broken. 


There is always a choice

Sometimes it's hard to see

And even harder to understand.

Just keep reaching out your hand

And we will grab you, pull you up.