scars

Cry In My Sleep

 

 I Lost My Ability To Cry
I'm Hurting So Much
I Feel Hurt
I Feel Pain
I Want To Cry
But Theres Not Tears
Theres No Emotions
Hold Me Please


Because I Can't Feel My Arms
I Can't Feel My Legs Anymore
I Feel Like Crying
But I'm Dying In My Sleep
Waking Up With Dried Up Eyes
I Don't Remember Crying
I Don't Remember Sleeping
Chill Runs Through On My Skin


Crying Out In Pain
I Wish I Could Cry
For My Body Can't Take It Anymore
Is This What It Feels Like
Why Must I Feel So Cold
Why Must I Feel So Emotionless
Pieces Of My Heart
Tears In Pieces


I Wish Again
I Could Cry
Just Once More
If I Could Hold You
If I Could Hug You
And Tell You One More Thing
I Just Want To Cry
I Want To Cry On Your Shoulder

 

 

This I Know

Folder: 
Psalms

Though I was born into sin

My Savior, He died

To bring me back home once again

And Heaven did shake

And the saints they did cry

For salvation of sinners and I

 

Now this I know

From the scars in His hands

That He died, with me on His mind

He died then He lived, and He rose up on high

The gifted eternal is mine

 

Now someday soon

The Bride and the Groom

Will join in the sweet by-and-by

The angels will sing

And the trumpets will sound

As we join our dear Savior in the sky

Author's Notes/Comments: 

First two verses and a chorus of a hymn, perhaps I'll return to it someday.

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Scars

If life was like a letter

And reality a dream

If love was somewhat better

Alive but less extreme

 

If the past was dead and rotten

And Death was just a door,

Then I could bear your loving scars

For now and evermore

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Scars

Scars

By JFarrell

 

I suppose,

We all have scars;

Visible ones,

Not the ones that scar our hearts,

Our minds,

Those are important too.

 

Today,

The scars on my wrists,

Are what draw my attention.

Ugly white lines,

Whiter than my skin;

Healed now, it was many years ago.

What should be ugly white lines,

Looks more like a tally score,

The scars from the stitches,

That stopped the life,

Pumping out of me.

 

The visible pulse of the artery

Brings a strange kind of life to the scar,

Makes it smile, as if laughing

At the eternal joke that is life.

 

I still remember that night,

My feelings,

The darkness of my thoughts,

The pain that drove me.

How can I not,

It was the last night I lived.

 

Until recently.

Someone, an angel, my queen,

Breathed life into me,

This long dead corpse.

 

I cannot say “Don’t do it”

That would make me a hypocrite,

After all, I did it.

But,

There is always hope.

Please, be strong, believe;

There really, truly is HOPE.

And it is beautiful.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

there is hope, dont give up, please

Scars (day 88)

When I sweat my scars until they run off my chest like a landslide,

paint them on a canvas in galaxy colors,

they look an awful lot like magic.

 

That is, until I can’t paint them anymore

because they’re sewed like boulders to my flesh

and I can’t loosen the fist clenched around everyone and everything I’ve ever left behind.

 

How I walk is how you watch me,

the words I speak are unapologetic,

I’m not trying to hold on by the curve of my standout speech,

I’m just a lantern at the edge of the sky.

 

What I mean is maybe loneliness is exactly what makes me dance in a crowd on a blazing summer night,

even when my heart is freezing from the inside out

and my hands are burning up with everyone they haven’t held.

 

I believe promises are together

and together is alone

and alone is drowning in a flood of your own unreached finish lines.

 

But I love my scars,

scratched like sandpaper,

throbbing to the rhythm of love lose lost,

falling to the ground in a dust storm only I can see.

 

There’s a certain beauty to be found in bruises, but only if you’re looking from the right angle, with the perfect amount of darkness in your vision.

 

My scars look a lot like learning when you hold them up to the light.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/23/16

Sandpaper

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tags:

Somebody's Pain

Folder: 
People

I Know How You Feel With Tears
But I Can't Understand Your Past
For Shoes Can Walk So Far
I Dont Think I Can Walk This Far
These Bones Ache
This Flesh Is Killing Me
Please Save Me Again
Im Losing It
How Long
Must I Wait
How Long
Must I Feel This Pain


I've Been Waiting A Long Time
I Can't Get Over The Fact
That I'm Still Weak
I'm Broken
And That I Can't Pick Up The Pieces
Especially Not By Myself
I Know I Need Someone To Lean On
I Can't Really Reach Out
And I Don't Feel Like
I Have A Voice In This World
But Honestly
I Don't Really Speak Out
Because I Have
No One To Speak To


I Really Need Someone
Somebody To Talk To
Someone To Lean On
Someon I Can Cry To
Someone I Can Laugh With
Someone I Can Be In Love With
Someone I Can Be Myself With
But In All Of These Times
I Just Feel Too Alone
I'm Just Too Sad

Fucking Lost Again

You Want To Bring Them
Some Sort Of Happiness
But Nothing You Bring
Makes Them Smile At All
Not Even The Slightest Bit


You Wonder What Went Wrong In Your Life
Sometimes You Want Your Life To End
And Sometimes You Don't Know What To Do
But You End Up Moving Foward
Because You Don't Know
What The Else The Fuck To Do


You Don't Have Any Talents
You Don't Have Any Skills
The Dream I've Had
Since I Became A Christian
Hasn't Moved Forward
I Don't Know What To Do
I Don't Know What To Say


I'm Just Lost And I Need To Be Saved Again
And I Need To Feel Lovable, Capable And Worthwhile
I Need To Know I Am Not Alone
I Need To Know I Am Loved Without Strings

 

 

Afraid To Be Alone

Folder: 
Miracles

I've Tried Hide All The Scars
I Left Behind
You Wanted
To Make Me Fresh And New
But I'm Ashamed
I Have Nothing Of No Talent
I Feel I Have Of Nothing Of Use


I Tried Letting It Go
But You Wont Let Me Be
Why Do You Look For Me
When I've Got Nothing
You Cloak Your Cape
And Shower Your Love On Me

These Tears Cannot Express


But I Still Wonder
Why Do You Choose Me
Its Not Your Place
To Follow Me
You Expect Me To Give You Something
But I've Got No Talent
Still I Follow You
Because Of Your Caring Warmth


For Someone Who Has So Much
To Care For Someone Of So Little
Unclenching My Fist
And Opening Up My Soul
Makes Me Exhale My Heart
And Come Forth
With Arms Wide Open


Because Someone Who Cares
Someone Whos There For Me
And Someone Who Knows
Somebody
Who Knows Whats Its Like
Being Afraid To Be Alone

Peace Of Strength

Folder: 
People

Through The Dark Night I See Smoke
And In The Day I See Glistering Mist
But In The Time I Reached Out
I Could Not Feel Your Breath
If You Rise And Fight On
I Will Be There For You


And If You Break Down
I Sweat I Will Catch You
I Swear I Will Be There For You
And Until The Day I Cry
I Will Not Give Into The Dark
Never Will I Give Up On Your Smile
Never Will I Say
I Can't Do This Anymore


For What Strenghth I Can't Bring Forth
You Give Me That Inner Peace
I Can't Forget That Ever
You Have Earned A Place In My Heart
Not Because Of What You've Done
Not Because Of What You've Said
But Because Of Who You Are
And What You Mean To Me


And In The End
You Are What Gives Me Strength
You Are The One
Who Keeps Me Moving Forward
You Give Me The Words
When I Have Nothing Else To Say
And When I Was On The Edge Of Giving Up
You Were Always There For Me