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It Gets Better - January 27, 2021

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Chapter Three

It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

 

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

 

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

 

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

 

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

 

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

 

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

 

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

 

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

 

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

Dangerous Territory

I’ve been swimming in the deep end lately.

My head is spinning in circles.

My heart had never been so hollow on the inside.

I need to catch my breath before I do anything else stupid.

 

My work of art is an escape from uniformity.

I felt safe with you for the time being.

At the end of the week, you cuddled me

When the sergeant had an off day at work and took it out on me.

 

I let you in like I did when I meet new people.

You were happy for me when I told you I finally found love.

I wanted nothing more than a friend’s reassurance that everything will be okay.

But you in particular were a land mine waiting to explode.

 

It’s dangerous territory where you’re from as a queer.

It’s dangerous territory where I lurk on the web.

It’s dangerous territory to build a world without receiving adequate training.

It’s dangerous territory to make friends with volatile people like you.

 

I can barely read script in Delphi without misinterpreting some if not most of its passages.

My art isn’t like what you’d expect to see in other do-it-yourself or high-profile projects.

The way I write, the way I archive, and the way I distribute information is my strongest suit.

There is no way I can fulfill my goal in life alone without the help of a team that knows its stuff.

 

You didn’t have to sugarcoat your advice to fix my problems

But you didn’t have to pull more than my teeth either.

You spoke to me as if I had to know every damn trick in the book.

You pointed out where I went wrong as if I didn’t already understand it.

 

I would have welcomed your advice if you watched your language.

I would have been more considerate if we joined forces as planned.

But being friendly with you in light of this is just out of question.

You can say that I’m high all you want, but it goes to show that you’re smaller than you think.

 

It’s dangerous territory where you’re from as a queer.

It’s dangerous territory where I lurk on the web.

It’s dangerous territory to build a world without receiving adequate training.

It’s dangerous territory to make friends with volatile people like you.

 

A vagabond told me this morning that I don’t learn much from success

And boy, I sure did learn a lot about your character more than what it takes to be top dog.

I might also let it slip that you exploded in my face because your little rant was all over the place.

In that case, riddle me this, who among the two of us really needs room for improvement?

Paper stars

Paper trails troll troubling trends into contempt of the truth.

Discount viscounts will turn a rogue rat to a mouse.

No cheese, just smoke them out.

Blow them away with a flash sale.

Beyond the veil is a marriage of malcontent and a desire to fix.

Every troll has a bridge.

Who will hang who with the rope used to support it?

Will you pay per trail that you choose to follow even if it brings sorrow?

Will you step on old branches and leaves in the forest of tomorrow?

To scuttle as a borrower or play possum?

Stiff as the floorboards that formed your house.

Are you leader or louse?

Docile or doused in gangster or grouch?

Is it a straight fight for what you have inside or what you put out?

Sometimes those with those with the most beef will claim vegan for clout?

Sometimes we claim our walls are full of beauty yet we paint them with doubt.

Then we redecorate them and redecorate them until the paint tinge is all we are

So much more

 

 

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Social Life + Work + Stubborn = Life (Short Essay)

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Short Essays

People think I’m crazy when I have two jobs, and think that it is wrong of me to take a day off from my full time job. That it is all on me that I do this and all. But in reality, they do not understand the truth. 

 

People are always judging the book cover rather then the contents. They do not understand what really happens within the book chapters or the story. 

 

Reason I work a lot is because if I stay home, I will fall asleep all day. I understand for some that is not a bad problem; but for others it is.  And since living alone, boredom gets to me bad. Yea, i could go “out” and unborn me... but to where? Mall...been there. Movies...been there. Parks....yes & no (especially not when it is cold out).  

What other people do not understand, is that I have anxiety (and some depression)... so going out is a challenge for me as well. Which is why I rather work then to going out out. With this “mental” issue, if I were to stay home...then I’d nap all day. Which I do not want to get into that habit again (used to take 3 hour naps).

 

Social gatherings? Yea, I could do that as well. But when you are an adult in my age (sector), it is harder to make new friends as well. Yea, there are social media gatherings for meet-ups... which I used to do when Yahoo! Chat was still a thing. But it was a struggle for me. 

 

Part of the issues was growing up when friends (so I thought they were) didn’t want to meet up/hang out because I lived “too far away”...yep, I was told this once (when I was a teen in HS) or they went away for the weekend or “their” idea was better, but not mine (and in college). So a lot of the times I gave up hanging out with people even though I still want to. Now most are either too busy or I am too busy or something is up (not that it is a bad thing, but I respect those who have families). 

As we grow older, our “friend group” gets smaller than from when we were kids. Which is why I have Facebook, Instagram, etc... to keep in touch with some friends; even if I don’t hang out with them since they are indeed too far. And even then, unknown if we would though due to different schedules. 

 

Just trying to explain to love ones or friends all this....I know they are there for me. But to what end? Do I need to quit a job to see them? Do I need to move on? I’m not much of reading books, because I will fall asleep (always have); my anxiety hits each time I want to “go out” and explore new places & ideas and laziness hits me. So, I rather work sometimes rather then be bored all the time. 

And then I re-question life and the cycle goes around again. I question:

 

Who am I? Why am I here? Who are we? Who are they? What do you want? 

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Vending machine

Vending machine

By jfarrell

 

Sigh…..

Coffee break, at the office, again….

Vending machine…..

Surprise me…

 

Tea- 102; twix- 103; chocolate - 1057…..

Coffee… NONONONO…. no coffee here….

“you pressed 1954… enjoy your purchase and have a nice day ;-)”

I pressed what? I wanted coffee!!!! strong, no milk!

 

As the machine whirrs into unseen life…

Karla breathes a grade 5 fire up my backside…

Wot! WOT! I’, m here!

Just glad no-one about to see me put my back side out!

 

I look up at Karla…  long way up….

You’d think at 15 feet tall she’d stand out…

But, no, only I can see her…

Giant invisible rabbits are nice…

 

But rainbow transparent dragons (    ;-)     )

Karla? Why was that necessary? I’m at work.

NO!!!!

 

 

 

Your in the laundrette….

Dancing in your underwear again…

 

I look about me.. and…

 

 

Shit, sorrry, sorry, ..

Errrr….   washing day, you know how it is…

…whistles….anything…. even very bad version of sittin’ (on the dock of the bay)…so lost without my dragon…

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

loved that old james stewart classic - 'Harvey' - i following in his footsteps and gonna have an invisible dragon follow me around everywhere

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Marathon Man

Marathon Man

By jfarrell

 

(classic of a film, but this ain’t related to that….

 Sorry. Still, a classic film)

 

I left for work 5am yesterday;

Got back 1am today;

16 hour waiting/running shift;

And long, cold (bloody freezing) wait for bus.

 

And I’m scared to sleep;

Gotta leave for work in a few hours;

If I went to bed now,

I dunno if I’d hear my alarm clocks ( all three of them.)

 

So….

HELLO WORLD ;-)

Writing something just made more sense

Than sitting there moaning about how tired I was.

 

I can’t run like Dustin Hoffman, or Forrest Gump;

(Run, Forrest, run….;   )

But, I can drink gallons of coffee, chew caffeine pills like Popeye

And finish my marathon with my eyes held open with matchsticks ;-)

 

Have a really fantastic day Everybody ;-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

duracell bunny wags its tail, scared to stop in case it falls asleep and can't wake up, hehe

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Duracell bunny

Duracell bunny

By jfarrell

 

I was found ‘fit for work’ about 9 months ago, now;

After 17 years overdosing, cutting wrists, hanging…

Donut jim, coward, waste of space drunk

COWARD…. useless… pointless…

 

Fit for work!

And I’m loving it!

Therapy and pills didn’t help;

And being drunk did!

 

One year from now, I will be rich and famous,

Or unknown, and, sadly, passed away (feck hanging, wrists, this time);

Work 6am til 11pm, and repeat….

I am not just “any” battery, or bunny.

 

At, £9.75 an hour,

I am a Duracell bunny;

Will,happily, work those 20 hour days ;-)

This late, in the game.

 

Maybe coward; lotsa suicides;

But I;m still here;

Drink, or work my self to death….

This late, in the game…

 

1 heart attack will do it….

 

Won’t it?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i knew a man.. in his 60's.. pays all his pension on his rent, coz the lanlord wouldn't sign the forms for housing benefit... very nice bloke, the pensioner, i mean ;-)..but... aafter paying his rent, to a scumbag landlord, hee had to live on tea and biscuits, and whatever meals his sister could bring round...

though we telephone on birthdays (they are special occassions, after all), my sisster and i have had nothing to do with each other, since the children's home closed

 

10, 20 years from now...

i will be that old man, living on tea and biscuits....

and i'd really like to change that future

 

please help, any suggestions.... please

 

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Nevers

Nevers

By jfarrell

 

 

25th floor of a building in central London, with big windows;

I’d never seen London at night, all lights;

Was beautiful; first time I actually appreciated what London could be;

Until last night, I’d never been that high up and seen London.

 

I’d never been to Wembley, never been to Lord’s Cricket Ground;

Never got a roomful of important people drunk on entry;

“Champagne, sir or madam?”

I’d never served coffee to a room of professors.

 

Until my present employer, Berkeley Scott (BIG thank you, amazing);

I’d never experienced a road, a street…

The walk there takes five minutes..

After work, that same walk takes an hour or more.

 

Before BKS (Berkeley Scott)….

I’d never walked anywhere,

As part of a sea, an arrow, a swarm of people;

40, 000 people, all headed for the same tube station.

 

I’m nearly 50, these last 6 months seen a lot of nevers happening;

Nearly 50; never had family or kids or meaningful relationship;

BKS helping me destroy a lot of nevers;

Maybe, even this late in the race, some nevers can still be changed.

 

I don’t want my future (what’s left),

Just OK, managing;

I’d like my future to be good, worth the effort;

Maybe another never can be destroyed.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

thinking in a brand new way - for me, at least :-)

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The Off Grid Life

the off-grid life.

untied from the shackles of strife,

2017, the modern existence,

getting on the property ladder, how does anyone have a chance?
20, 25 or 30, forced to work to pay every bill,

going to work all hours, struggling to find a way, a life against our will,

needing the money from any form of work, mostly unprogressive, unhappy 
life passing by, frustrating, anger, decreasing self-worth, causing individuals to be snappy

unfulfilled, potentials are not met, working a job all day, unable to progress,

money is the key factor, for bills to be met, let me digress.

often they still aren't causing pain and suffering, stress and depression,

homelessness is rife through the country, a feeling of regression,

a feeling of being stuck, how to retrain and improve your careers?
speak to friends or family and the same conversation, doubts, and fears
if only another option was available,

one that was accepted and not just for the vulnerable,

the homeless, the people with nothing,

but how is this existence different? it is truly crushing,

once you can see that your life is consumed with working for money,

the soul has passed, your energy too, it can get so hard it's not even funny,

but who understands? in the face of consumerism, higher purchase, loans, and debt,

who is living a life, truly satisfied, and their dreams are met?

Not all people living off-grid are rich in cash!
but they aim for other needs; security in food & energy, it's worth a bash,


 

a growing transition for many people too,

it's not just for the hippies, the spiritual, it's for people like me and you,

think about it for a moment or two...

who would you be without your car, house and your possessions?
is that person you portray the real you? or do you blend in so people don't ask questions?
are you honest with your family and friends?

or do you sit behind a desk wishing it would end?
there is a wealth of knowledge of old traditions,

from a time when they lived without these conditions,

the conditions of social media, advertising, marketing ads or vlogs

when screen time didn't consume every waking hour, and children were fascinated with tadpoles transforming into frogs.

hours spent outside, climbing trees, playing at the park,

not allowed home unless it was tea time or had gotten dark.

 

a shift is happening, ecotherapy, wild schooling, bushcraft, and hikes,

forest schooling, homeschooling, people walking and out on their bikes,

scientists are noticing the effects on children's behaviors, reduced health issues,

ADHD,  also a boost in self-awareness, positivity, confidence and mental health issues

is it easier to sit a child down to hours in front of the tv, or ipad?

than it is to spend a few hours playing down the park with dad?

or baking a cake with mum, the importance of these skills are being misplaced,

in this consumerism world, with employees a number, in a life so fast-paced.

 

Off-grid living, the communities hidden away,

all they want is a parcel of land to look after their needs, but hey,

that's not possible, 'cause where will the local council get their tax,

with the community, living off the land, growing food and chopping wood with an axe,

the need and usage of government-owned services would become minute,

living simply and within your skills of the land, renewables used, an abundance of fruit,

food preserved in many forms, jams and chutneys, frozen meat,

enough food to last year-round to survive through winter, or in the heat,

the food produced off the land, tending the garden, and grown for nutrition,

the most important for life and health also said to aid in remission.

off grid homesteaders, don't need to take the flack,

with health as the focus, working outdoors to provide, lowering the need for prozac,
comments from shallow minded people need not be said,

the power of community, working together, I want to spread,

to include children in the transition, of conserving nature and our wildlife,

 

the tranquil setting amongst the seasons, watching the stars, that's my type of nightlife.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first time sharing my poetry, (after a few friends encouraged me that I should) please be kind and send your thoughts.

Also all words are opinions of myself in the modern world that we live in. 

This is not meant to cause offense, harm, upset to anyone, and if it does please understand that is not my intention.

 

Many thanks,