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I am the fucking cherry

that gets left on the plate

I am recreating a dirty kitchen

without making any room for reward

I have screwed up all my chances

made this home spell out the world crumble

and kicked out all the houseguests

at least the devils still here

are paying me for something

I can’t usually explain

the things that make my heart hurt

and these people have their own fucking friends

who will tell them everything is okay

they are okay

I can’t usually explain

why my heart has not taken me out to dinner

in a few decades

why my mind keeps slipping down the mountain

why I sit here with exactly what I want

still thinking up ways to make a tragedy out of it

so I publish all the gray on my desk

and leave out the color

so I keep buying clothes that don’t fit

running around in them

and being confused when the world looks strangely

so I keep going out with someone else’s face on

and forgetting it’s there

when I look in the mirror

but sigh shrug and say

at least it’s better than mine

so I sit here and set the room on fire

and when that’s not enough

I strike a match to the fire

and when other pieces of me

come in

I hear

why would you do this?

because I’m not you

Verse 1:
I carefully craft an image of you
In my mind.
But, sometimes, the reality does not match
The illusion in our dreams.
This is not how it should end
But, how it should begin.
Tell me: where do we go from here?

Chorus:

I am getting over you.
Though, the pace was slow.
I never needed to test my feelings for you.
But, you, you felt the need to test the waters.
Now, I’m left with nothing but our memories.
You got me in unbound memories.
You shattered my soul and spirit.

Verse 2:

Though, I don’t need to know your sins.
You will be a scarlet letter for the world to see.
Your past continues to haunt you.
Christ cannot save you from your sins.
You confessed your sins to me.
You dragged me along yet
Always looked for someone better.

Bridge:

If only you could see
That I know your story
Better than anyone,
We could become each other’s everything.
Though, I don’t know what lies ahead,
I’ll follow you wherever you will go.
Our lives are caged in together.

What do you want from me

What future do you see for us

I want to know what you want from me

I want to know what I can do for you to see me

I hate the feeling of being vunerable 

Why does my feelings feel invalid 

Why can I not express myself to you 

Why can't I open up to you 

What is wrong with me

I am standing in front of you

You stare right through me

I am looking at you

You are looking down at your phone

The gratification you receive from social media 

The addiction you have developed 

How do you see me

How do you feel about me

Am I attractive enough 

Am I funny enough

Am I not emotional 

Am I good enough

Where do I stand with you

I never know

Your words mean so little 

Your actions show me more

I am disheartened 

I am dissatisfied 

I feel insignificant 

I feel empty

I wish you werent distracted by everyone but me

Will I ever feel good enough for you

What do I need to do

I am the physical form of things I don’t want to feel

I wake up with the world’s tears on my shoulders

and yesterday’s sweat in my eyes

when half the world is asleep

I am callous and cruel and a million more things

as the ghosts keep throwing me questions

I don’t have the answers to

please see me as more than a pile of the

shit I put you through

cause when the walls burn down I keep building windows

I keep trying to see you

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Are you ready for it?

I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.

It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.

Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.

If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.

I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?

I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.

Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.

If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?

If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,

don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”

Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?

Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.

So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.

Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?

Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?

These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority

for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.

You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.

What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.

I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.

Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?

Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me

And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.

But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.

The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.

My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.

Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.

Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.

If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.

Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.

I’ll see you in Hell.

sometimes I think

the necklaces inside me

have written my story.

every word I will ever say

every handshake

every stranger.

in a snapshot of memories

he laughs at my lines.

my soul, written down in strands, screams

take me when you go.

I know somehow he will be a stranger again.

when I can’t sleep

the strands will blink a million eyes

a mental breakdown

(like all of them)

that can only be seen physically

on the inside.

when I am breathless

they can breathe for me

purer oxygen than I would

be able to ever flirt into my veins…

they have so much to say.

maybe that’s why I just watch.

when I can’t scream

the necklaces will come apart.

what a way to come undone.

touch my heart when you miss me.

give me one more word.

one word that can compete with every letter

I’ve ever thought about writing to you.

what is sleep anyway?

besides time passing in a place we can’t be seen

balconies, fingertips,

things we shouldn’t be doing.

what is sleep anyway?

cause I don’t wanna be your friend

you can tell me something’s wrong

but I don’t know wrong from right

just that the timing of my heartbeat

gave me away

and now I can’t tell time

without your hand on my wrist

your taste in my mouth

let me love you like I have always wanted to love the world

let me write for you like I can’t think about anything else

let me be here and not have to keep wondering what it’s like

what is sleep anyway?

besides time passing in a place we can’t be seen

long drives, longer sunsets,

forevers we can’t define.

what is sleep anyway?

just the cover of darkness for

things we shouldn’t be doing.

what is sleep anyway?

cause I don’t wanna be your friend