I am the fucking cherry
that gets left on the plate
I am recreating a dirty kitchen
without making any room for reward
I have screwed up all my chances
made this home spell out the world crumble
and kicked out all the houseguests
at least the devils still here
are paying me for something
I can’t usually explain
the things that make my heart hurt
and these people have their own fucking friends
who will tell them everything is okay
they are okay
I can’t usually explain
why my heart has not taken me out to dinner
in a few decades
why my mind keeps slipping down the mountain
why I sit here with exactly what I want
still thinking up ways to make a tragedy out of it
so I publish all the gray on my desk
and leave out the color
so I keep buying clothes that don’t fit
running around in them
and being confused when the world looks strangely
so I keep going out with someone else’s face on
and forgetting it’s there
when I look in the mirror
but sigh shrug and say
at least it’s better than mine
so I sit here and set the room on fire
and when that’s not enough
I strike a match to the fire
and when other pieces of me
come in
I hear
why would you do this?
because I’m not you
Verse 1:
I carefully craft an image of you
In my mind.
But, sometimes, the reality does not match
The illusion in our dreams.
This is not how it should end
But, how it should begin.
Tell me: where do we go from here?
Chorus:
I am getting over you.
Though, the pace was slow.
I never needed to test my feelings for you.
But, you, you felt the need to test the waters.
Now, I’m left with nothing but our memories.
You got me in unbound memories.
You shattered my soul and spirit.
Verse 2:
Though, I don’t need to know your sins.
You will be a scarlet letter for the world to see.
Your past continues to haunt you.
Christ cannot save you from your sins.
You confessed your sins to me.
You dragged me along yet
Always looked for someone better.
Bridge:
If only you could see
That I know your story
Better than anyone,
We could become each other’s everything.
Though, I don’t know what lies ahead,
I’ll follow you wherever you will go.
Our lives are caged in together.
What do you want from me
What future do you see for us
I want to know what you want from me
I want to know what I can do for you to see me
I hate the feeling of being vunerable
Why does my feelings feel invalid
Why can I not express myself to you
Why can't I open up to you
What is wrong with me
I am standing in front of you
You stare right through me
I am looking at you
You are looking down at your phone
The gratification you receive from social media
The addiction you have developed
How do you see me
How do you feel about me
Am I attractive enough
Am I funny enough
Am I not emotional
Am I good enough
Where do I stand with you
I never know
Your words mean so little
Your actions show me more
I am disheartened
I am dissatisfied
I feel insignificant
I feel empty
I wish you werent distracted by everyone but me
Will I ever feel good enough for you
What do I need to do
I am the physical form of things I don’t want to feel
I wake up with the world’s tears on my shoulders
and yesterday’s sweat in my eyes
when half the world is asleep
I am callous and cruel and a million more things
as the ghosts keep throwing me questions
I don’t have the answers to
please see me as more than a pile of the
shit I put you through
cause when the walls burn down I keep building windows
I keep trying to see you
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Are you ready for it?
I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.
It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.
Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.
If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.
I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?
I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.
Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.
If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?
If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,
don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”
Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?
Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.
So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.
Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?
Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?
These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority
for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.
You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.
What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.
I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.
Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?
Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me
And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.
But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.
The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.
My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.
Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.
Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.
If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.
Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.
I’ll see you in Hell.
sometimes I think
the necklaces inside me
have written my story.
every word I will ever say
every handshake
every stranger.
in a snapshot of memories
he laughs at my lines.
my soul, written down in strands, screams
take me when you go.
I know somehow he will be a stranger again.
when I can’t sleep
the strands will blink a million eyes
a mental breakdown
(like all of them)
that can only be seen physically
on the inside.
when I am breathless
they can breathe for me
purer oxygen than I would
be able to ever flirt into my veins…
they have so much to say.
maybe that’s why I just watch.
when I can’t scream
the necklaces will come apart.
what a way to come undone.
touch my heart when you miss me.
give me one more word.
one word that can compete with every letter
I’ve ever thought about writing to you.
what is sleep anyway?
besides time passing in a place we can’t be seen
balconies, fingertips,
things we shouldn’t be doing.
what is sleep anyway?
cause I don’t wanna be your friend
you can tell me something’s wrong
but I don’t know wrong from right
just that the timing of my heartbeat
gave me away
and now I can’t tell time
without your hand on my wrist
your taste in my mouth
let me love you like I have always wanted to love the world
let me write for you like I can’t think about anything else
let me be here and not have to keep wondering what it’s like
what is sleep anyway?
besides time passing in a place we can’t be seen
long drives, longer sunsets,
forevers we can’t define.
what is sleep anyway?
just the cover of darkness for
things we shouldn’t be doing.
what is sleep anyway?
cause I don’t wanna be your friend