sometimes I am more
human than being.
a car crash heart
on a freeway
having all my best breakdowns
when time goes missing
and I can’t feel my
skin cage anymore
my atoms are reverse explosions
and I don’t have a countdown
just wait for the
tick tick
boom that doesn’t end
hold me close like
something breaking
sometimes I am more
being than human.
stillest statue
drawing in all the colors
sit here with a face full of fists ready to swing
but I can’t stop existing to do it
so I will hold them until
the human sets in,
midnight launchpad ready to set me
all the way free
I can reach the rope
to touch the skylines
holding someone and
I won’t let go
I can dive so deep
you won’t find me
sitting in this Be
in the darkest sand
and then when my breath
catches at day’s end
make it to the surface
just in time to curl
into the smallest ball
you’ve ever seen
empty all of me
trembling
onto shore
so you can’t pull me apart
if I am no one’s favorite song
how do I keep spinning
back to you
cause I’ve been dying to tell you we made it
now I’m just fighting all my sorries
just
please let me sit with you
while I’m crying at commercials
I want to fit to you like
the best armchair
you don’t even have to notice I’m in the room
but when I hold you again
it is the most familiar
and now even as I’m free to leave
I want to notice notice
every minute of this home
so it is something I can hold without disintegrating
spill through the walls when I am dirt
coat the holes when I am crying
I will keep holding you through the scary parts
I am no painkiller but
I will kiss you through the pain
each minute
each year of my life is
spinning by faster
and I am unraveling it
as if in search of something
I long for pieces of crushed velvet,
jagged edges,
sharp silver tongues
that leap to me from all their loves and all their stories
I keep wanting things I can’t touch
I think I know how something feels
until I realize I am just the mirror
I am unraveling
until I will run out of moments
and then
what will it all be for
maybe if I’m as high as I’m supposed to be
if I don’t have anything to cry over
I don’t know what to do with myself…
and what would I do with all that time
so now I have inhaled a lifetime of pure feeling
I am soaked and can’t come up or down
my head is pounding
I am swimming in a sea of chaos
that stings my skin
feels like exactly what I want to be
I am bursting and still the silence is drier than my mouth
maybe now I’ll let you cut me open
This is not how I thought Russian roulette would go.
I figured there would be a lot more…sounds.
Too loud, all the world’s chaos packaged into this room.
Not just me
diving too deep in my brain.
After feeling every color
a little too much
like I have been painted in it
I’ve realized
everything is just a different type of drug.
When I am lightest I am laughing.
When I am darkest I am shivering.
When I am in love with you my head is spinning.
When I kiss you I can’t feel my hands.
When I am helpless I am drowning
they hand me water.
When I am everything at once
the air is too loud.
I’ve realized
everything is just a different type of drug.
Please
choose one for me.
অঙ্গনা তুমি স্রোতস্বিনী
নাকি অশ্বের পায়ের নল?
তুমি জন্মদাত্রীর গর্ভ কষ্ট-
নাকি পদ্মপাতার জল?
তুমি নির্যাতিত একরোখা-
কেউ ডাকে পতিতা,
কারো তুমি মায়ের আঁচল;
প্রিয়তমা বনিতা।
তুমি ধানের মঞ্জুরী স্নিগ্ধ শরৎ
উড়ন্ত শান্তি কপোত,
তুমি তুঙ্গ, তুমি তমিস্রা-
আবার নিশুতি পুর্ণিমা রাত!
তোমার যেমন খ্যাতি আছে তেমনি আছে বদনাম;
শত্রুর তুমি আশীবিষ-
অনাদৃত অনির্বান।
পিতার কাছে পুত্রী তুমি
কামুকের চোখে কামিনী-
প্রেমিকের টানে প্রেমিকা তুমি,
স্বামীর ঘরে ভামিনী;
ক্ষণে ক্ষণে বদলে তোমার
ধরা-বাঁধার নাম,
তুমি ছাড়া অচল পুরুষ তবুও পাবেনা দাম।
হে প্রসূতি!
হে কলত্র!
হে দুহিতা!
তুমি নিদর্শন এ ভুবনের মাঝে-
রেখেছো অগ্রনী ভুমিকা,
স্তিতি তোমাকে যাই করুক তুমিই সঠিক ধারা;
সব আয়াস ক্ষোভ ভুলে
প্রসিদ্ধ তুমি,
তুমি যে জগতের মা।
Waiting for you I am standing like
slowing down to get a better view of the ground under our feet,
waiting for the snow in July.
I like me better when I’m with you,
I can’t seem to create as much as I cry
but I still love the ache because it’s something.
Here I can trick myself,
I’m brave and bold and bulletproof,
I’m more than counting dimensions like falling asleep
and I run out of spaces to call home.
Home.
We can hang so much from four letters.
Sometimes I forget to say I’m coming home.
I just want you to know that I am halfway there.
I am kind of asleep.
I am kind of screaming.
I am kind of lying.
I am kind of shaking.
I am kind of breaking the rules.
I am kind of on top of the world.
I am kind of on fire.
I am kind of in love with you.
Will I remember to breathe when you’re here,
when you’re gone?
I forget,
I remember,
I exhale a hurricane and leave steam on your skin.
I learn loss when the doors are closed,
I set sail at all the wrong times.
I am too human,
I leave a mark wherever I go,
it is not always a good one.
We all want to leave postcards, silhouettes, golden
but mine always turn gray and crumble to dust.
I want to leave color,
flood these hours with more than minutes.
I want to leave fingerprints
so you know I was here.
But this might be a crime scene,
if it is I will take all the blame
I hope if it is the blood runs beautiful.
Will I remember to breathe when you’re here,
when you’re gone?
Maybe it doesn’t matter.
I am not getting smaller,
shrinking with feeling and letting go,
putting up all my defenses
to quit the confusion and instead use your hand.
I am not standing too long,
shivering until my bones feel so far away,
they crack like those arches and I am the gate.
I am not holding too tight,
forward and back like my constant insanity.
I am not knotting these fishing line heartstrings,
catch and release like those signs used to say.
I am not flying or falling,
I think here I am grounded.