cry

What If Faith is Not Enough

Folder: 
Oncology

When reality finally hits you it hurts
When the truth comes into focus it’s brutally painful.
Hope isn't always enough
It’s not always a happy ending.
What happens when faith is not enough?

 

I get hot flashes
My depression splashes
My soul is cold like stone,
the fear of being alone.

 

So now I lay me down to sleep
I pray you lord my soul to keep
Don’t let me die before I wake
I pray you lord my soul do not take.

 

I barely have a past
And may have no future
       Empty pages of a book
       A story left unwritten
       A life left unlived
       A hope left in the dust.
Please don't take me yet
Your mercy you won't regret
I am down on my knees
Begging you please
Don’t take me away.

 

At night I dream a misty graveyard
A tombstone the name I cannot see
A flashlight in the darkness
A figure so lifeless I cannot breathe.
Then I awake not as fearless as I may seem.

 

If this is my future
And if it comes to pass
And this breath be my last
Then this thought to you I cast.

 

What if faith is not enough?
Then life would be rather tough
With nothing to believe in
And nothing to justify
Nothing to keep you sane
Nothing to grasp when you fall
You will have nothing,
nothing at all.

Sometimes that is how I am
Falling in the darkness
With nothing to take hold
This feeling leaves me cold
hearted, soulless, empty.
All I feel is the pain of being unreal
No one knows how this life feels,
when you are so lifeless.

 

So now I lay me down to cry
I pray you lord you can't let me die.
Now I lay me down to sleep
Close my eyes without a peep
Never to be opened again.

 

Your body goes warm then cold like rain
Slowly your body numbs,
to your fingers and your thumbs.
As your body stops working, you feel the cold mist of death
And peacefully while you’re sleeping you take your final breath.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My grandmother, a retired nurse herself, was also another very special person; she always knew that I would overcome my illness. Every day she would take me to the chapel in the church and I would stare at the enormously realistic wood carved statue of Jesus. I would ask “even though you look like you are in more pain than me, can you ask your father to help me.”

 

Then my grandmother and I would go back to the room and say this prayer together;

 

And now I lay me down to sleep and I pray you lord my soul to keep, but if I shall die before I wake, I pray you Lord my soul to take.

 

http://www.murder-in-oncology.com

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"Her Glacier"

“Her Glacier” 

 

Laying down on the shattered glass

I breathe in the shards

Letting the seeping blood drip

 

DRIP...DROP…

 

The ripples resonate and echo,

On the disheartened, crying ice

Eyes… dropping… crystals

Covered my saddened heart

Who, I scream a silent, dry scream,

as if I am in space, underwater

 

To my weeping eyes, “I am sorry for the wasted tears.”

I whisper to the silence, with my vivid vision

The vivid vision blurred by the saltwater tears

Can only see the back of the person I loved

FADE…into the mist of tears

 

The ice that weeps with me, from my ripped feet,

Shatters as I am taken to the abyss…

The very abyss of my own heart

 

I, slowly taken down, down…as I struggle against,

Against the deathly, cold water

As the rose thorns grasp my feet…they take me

To pitch-dark black,

Further…deeper…deeper

To the prison I made myself

 

Here at the ocean floor,

The place that is made out of my own tears

I wait…where the ashes remain

As I hope the pressure of the seven seas

Of my own heart, turns me into diamonds

 

The other part of me, who lives much above me

Where the snow punches your ragged skin,

In the heart of the land of fire and ice,

Awaits, in the concave of a glacier…

 

Aimlessly around the blue glass tsunami,

Breathing in the untainted, crisp cool air

Eyes floating aimlessly

Eyes twinkling endlessly

 

This slow walking giant, taking centuries for each step

Covers the land with its azure ice like a blanket

Treading on the works of any weathering

Glitters with streaks of endless blue…

 

 

O’ the beauty of the blue streaks!

Each a different shade,

Describes the indescribable

His exquisite beauty,

 

Walls as waves and ripples

Of water that has been frozen in time

Forms those very streaks!

Sapphire, Tiffany, Sky, Zaffre, Royal, Navy, Azure and Midnight blue

In bliss…all dancing merrily in this very cave

…an ultimate Eternal Dance

 

She, white light, origin of the viva Earth

Smiles through His crystal

Giving colour and light to His life

Givin’ His form…the Blue Crystal Tsunami.

 

Romance, like lovers, waltzing

even if one of them…will not make it ‘till the end

even if one of them…is slowly killing the other

She, who gives beauty to the giant

I, who lives way below them,

cannot compete…

 

A warm-blooded creature of the land…

It, who decides to wander inside…

runs Its hands on the mosaic of blue

To It, the ice seems to glide

As the twinkling light of the crystal cave winks…

Picturing the two together…

 

Below the glacier " inside the very cave- lays a beach

Crystal…His…Tears

O’ the beach of his tears…when he weeps with me

Slowly melting away

 

Either way,

His blue is much apart from mine,

Sleeplessly, I lay down on the shattered glass

Endlessly, breathing in the stabbing shards

As I accept my fate…way below Him

 

Him.” “Blue Glass Tsunami” = Vatnajökull glacier cave, Iceland

The Land of Fire and Ice” = Iceland. Iceland is known to have volcanoes next to glaciers.

White light, Origin of the viva Earth” “She” = Sun

Beach of his tears” = A ‘beach’ located in the cave itself. The sand is made out of ‘crystal’.

A warm-blooded creature of the land” = A person. Human

Pictures them together” = Takes a picture of the cave with a camera

Even if one of them…is slowly killing the other” = The sun is melting the ice

I” = A landform that sunk to the bottom of the sea, just below the cave. (i.e. ‘the third wheel’)

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

         “…and here I wait. For her glacier. Who I knew will never come”

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"Normally I'm all about the sensory imagery and using a wide vocabulary, and I know that poetry tends to be much more elaborate than prose, but I feel like the emotions and symbolism you are trying to convey are being lost behind all the extra words you're squeezing in. A lot of the words you've chosen come across as either redundant or misplaced, and that gets a little distracting for your reader(s). As you keep working on this piece, consider whether some of your word choices could be pared back, simplified, or eliminated all together. That will help emphasize the meanings you are trying to express.
Also take some time to consider the purpose of your punctuation. I know that ellipses seem like a nice, dramatic way to emphasize specific phrases and images, but overusing them in this way makes the reader feel like they're constantly trying to catch their breath. Which, hey, could be the very point! Just a thought I had." - C.J. Holmes

بكاء

لك ناصعات الوجد واليل .. البهيم

لك كل نافقات الاماني 

والمستباح ....من الصلاة 

ومن الكلام

.. ولي السلام

Author's Notes/Comments: 

كمال كهربا

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*A Silent Cry*

 

 October.30.2000 6-6:40pm

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

 

It's a tear drop no one can hear

A cry so silent only she can feel

This pain is getting stronger

This is what she feared

But now if anyone tried It's too deep to heal

She doesn't have the strength to go on any longer 

 

It's a silent cry

No one must find out about the pain in her heart

That sooner or later she knows she'll die

No one wants to know she's falling apart

 

She knows no one will for her care

So she lets the tear fall

And sits on the bed to stare

At the blank painted wall

Thinking to herself "This isn't fair."

 

Thinking and wondering if anyone would notice

If she was gone

If she disappears

Trying to figure out where she belongs

Wondering then would anyone hear her tears

 

Or would for every a silent cry be by her side

Would it be there forever

All she can do is sit in her room and hide

Not a person who shows they want her to stay

Or with her they want to be together 

Or to let people see 

To share their life with her another day

And to show that she can set the silent cry free

 

She wants to let this silent cry go away

To not have to worry 

If she'll live for another day

To everyone she doesn't want to be the main story

 

Copyright

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*I Miss You My Love My Hero*

 

 April.18.2007 2:31am/December.24.2011

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

 

Everynight 

Everyday

I miss your gorgeous sight

When before I go to bed

I lean down and begin to pray

I'll remember the last thing you said

"My love I will be back soon someday"

That is then I fell to my knees and began to cry

I pray to God everynight 

My love comes back wishing he finds

His way back to my heart

Asking God our love that we have let it be 

God every moment my heart pleads

Don't let my love,My hearo from me part

Let our souls for each other continue to bleed

For our love has been strong since the start 

 

I miss my love so much

I want to feel on my face

His gentle touch

When he kisses me 

He does it so 

With love and at a slow romantic pace

It sets my worries free

While your always my sweet

Let God protect you with the angels above

While I sit here and wait for your warm body heat

Tonight when I enter the world of dreams

I will go to our favorite spot to meet

 

To look into your eyes and to feel your arms

Around me it feels real

You say "Next to me will always be your seat"

And then tell me 

"I am always in your heart"

No matter the distence no matter how far 

Please believe me please stay strong

Keep in your heart and wishing on that star

Together forever and always 

And back agian we belong

And soon my soul I will be back to stay

It won't be long

So please believe in what I say

 

You're my love, my hero

The one I will love forever 

My hate for you will always be at zero

We will always be together 

I will take care of you 

As you will take care of me 

And our love will always remain true

We will never let each other free

Because you are my love and you are my hero

 

Copyright 

*Today You Begin To Breathe*

 

 May.24.2014

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

 

Today you begin to breathe

It's the day you begin to die

You know you're getting older

You begin to cry

The tear that just dropped

And landed on your shoulder

Has already began to dry

 

It's getting harder to move

Your bones you begin to hear "pop"

Minutes of your life you're starting to lose

Praying your heart doesn't stop

Depression begins

The number of days lived drop

Stress is out beating you.... it wins

 

The day you begin to live

Another heartbeat has gone by

Yesterday is just a memory you can't give

You ask yourself why

Each breath you take

Another day you try

Praying the next day you wake

Angels above you fly

 

They wait until the time is right

You feel their presence is strong

To live you will put up a fight

Your time is not up they are wrong

 

 

copyright 

Not Done

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem isn't finished ..I got writers block.. I'll come back to it 

*It's Not Fair You're Gone, But Your Memory Will Remain*

 

 June.23.2010

 Trisha Barrek Hopkins

 

It wasn't your time to go 

I don't care what others say

You were too young This they must know

You still had many days

That belonged to you 

To spend with family and friends 

It's still not fair

Yeah I might not known you for very long

But you left a stain on my life

Enough to touch my heart

Enough to make me care

I could see your one of a kind

I've seen that from the start

You're your own person

You I'll remember as an awesome soul

You had the purest of hearts

Worth more then gold

Here on earth you still belong

I'm so sad you had to part

God must have other plans in store

He took you from the world down below

His request we must not ignore

So to the heavens above you must go 

The angels brought you up through the clouds

To start a new

To be with the ones who went before you

The ones that you knew

And help them with those left behind

To look over and protect

To keep from harm

In everything you will reflect

Always reminding us of your charm

You will be greatly missed

Someone as cool as you in your own ways

I'll never find again

Your friendship was a gift

 

We will be in pain for awhile

Some will cry themselves to sleep

But this is a must we have to walk this mile 

The pain will be steep

To feel the heartace to cry "why him"

Soon the pain will partially go away

But your memory won't be forgotten

You will always be in our hearts

And minds everyday

God taking you this early some may think is rotten

But keep in mind you're really not gone

You are here with us in every way 

From a new born smile

To the warmth of the sun

Even the stars at night

That one shooting star

That's you holding on tight

Waving at us and saying hi

Letting us know your not that far

But we know soon enough we must say good-bye

But not forever and we will keep you in our heart

For we will be seeing you again

So for now we must move on with love

We must go

Not soon....We won't know when 

We will meet again

When God wants us to 

To you our love we will always send

For the short time we knew you 

I am happy to have gotten the chance to know

A man of your kindness

In time my heart will beable to mend

And in my heart your memory will always show

Your memory will live on 

It will never disappear only forever grow

 

Copyright

Author's Notes/Comments: 

dedicate to a friend of mine who died in his sleep

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*The Tears Of An Angel Only Angels Cry*

 

 January.23.2001

 Dedicated to Derrick Mann

 

Tears come from angels

And well that they should

For no one can give love

The way only they could

 

The tears of an angel

Are more precious then gold

They nurture our spirit

Allowing love to unfold

 

The tears of an angel

They come from her soul

We should ask ourselves why then

Could it be because of my role

 

These tears are not selfish

As at first may appear

They fall for a purpose

It's you she holds dear

 

If you should happen to be he 

Who started the flow

You got my envy

Aware of great love you could know

 

I caught the tear of an angel

How lucky could one be 

Though it lasted so briefly

 

It has forever touched me 

A feeling that will last forever

Something that will never be set free

For this day we'll always be together 

 

The tears of an angel

Only angels cry

I've fallen in love with you 

For a little while even though we may part

This is no where of saying good-bye

Because my angel you're forever in my heart 

 

Copyright

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Dedicated to my angel Derrick Mann

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How can abuse be love???

How can abuse be love? 2015

 

when i got married i was so deep in love

i thought it was a gift from heaven above

but he slowly changed a little each day

making life a living hell in every way

my family realized i was in a lot of trouble

if they helped in any way i'd take a tumble

they would see the bruises upon my face

at night the floor my father would pace

my parents marriage was love and honor

i thought how can abuse be love i wonder

this was not the way life should have been

but how could i have known about all i've seen

the beatings he gave me started out small

one kick, one punch it wasnt much at all

as the month's went by it got worse each day

any thing i did wrong he would make me pay

i had a baby and you'd think he'd be happy but

instead he told me to keep my mouth shut

he wanted me to lie about the bruises on my legs

he pouted and pleaded he even did beg

i had another baby it was a gift from God above

but i was still thinking how can abuse be love

at home later on he looked at me and said

there your responsability im going to bed

you wanted them i didnt he said with a scowel

i lifted my child from her bath with a towel

and looked at her and said with a smile

thats right for you i'd walk a hundred miles

as the years went on the beatings got worse

i felt like i was in jail and my life was a curse

i left him three times but i always came back

and after a few weeks he'd give me a good wack

one day i was crying i couldnt take it no more

but knew he wouldnt let me walk out that door

so i knew there was only one other way out

im done i thought theres no need to pout

up to heaven is where i wanted to go

i looked at him and said no more feeling low

i was thinking of my parente in heaven above

and again i was saying how can abuse be love

i grabbed all those pills and swallowed them

and didnt think twice about where i had been

but it didnt work out the way i had planed

i ended up in the hospital with charcoal in hand

i was yelling i dont wanna be here any more

but the doctor said drink up or in a tube i will pour

my husband on my left didnt even worry

got up and said im in a real big hurry

i was passing out really fast and all i could see

was my husbands back walking out in me

when i woke up the next day it was very clear

i was alone he didnt care or shed not one tear

i made a desision i knew what i must do

i must leave him and fast but never look back

and thats just what i did oh how i had the nack

i had a lot of help from heaven above

but now i do know that abuse can not be love

 

 

 

dedicated to ending domestic violence everywhere

abuse can not be love!!!

 

                            Zoeycup16

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this one because its my past and i wanted to find a way to get past it, and nothing i have tried so far would let me, i know its gonna be hard to let go of 24 years of abuse but with the grace of god he will see me thru it, i might not be able to fully let go but all i can do is my best and let god take care of the rest, and to everyone out there abuse is not love believe me i know the difference now, how can it? dont let anyone tell you different, abuse is abuse no matter how small!!!!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                  zoeycup16.

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