doubts

How, And Why?

Folder: 
Outlook

It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

 

 

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

 

Boy Meets Love

Boy: What would you sacrifice in return for a love so true?

Girl: I'd sacrifice my all to have true love with you.

 

Boy: How would you show me, if that were the case?

Girl: I'd be there for all of the things that you face.

 

Boy: What if I mess up and make a mistake?

Girl: I'd tell you you're human...and show you our love's not fake.

 

Boy: What if you were hated for loving a guy like me?

Girl: I'd be facing that love is something others don't always see.

 

Boy: What if they saw it, and spat in your face? What if they mocked it, and our love was erased?

Girl: Why, I'd have to accept that our love is for us, and I'd build on the good things we share...respect and trust.

 

Boy: If I were sick, would you nurse me to health?

Girl: I'd reach for the bottle that says "love" on the shelf.

 

Boy: Would you face every hardship, if I acted a fool?

Girl: Yes I would, my love, always, but I'd also lay down new rules...;-)

 

 

 

 

......

 
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Doubting Tomas

What is "doubt"? A portal to another dimension,
A glimpse of possibility, a window to centrifugal vacuity,
Where the soul reaches for it's destined acuity,
Blood splattered over our eyes creates the blindfold
We cherish, but behind this excecation,
We unknowingly perish, as the sun's relentless light
Attempts at our illumination,
While the symbols of the story take full control
By man's elation of power and glory.
A single life like many others, churning passion in vastness
Of time and space, leaving untold grace in coveted remains,
A fugitive of justice, the pages turn and we read of nothing but pain,
But Tomas, the one who doubted, protector of the dark,
He calls to us in humbleness, revealing a lone and ugly spark
Of inspiration, intrepidation guides this auric feild,
How will we uncover and bring these truths to light,
And at the same time, sheild
Those whose journey, yet blessed with awareness
Fumble in the night, desperately grappling,
The fantasia's wispy seduction lures their innocence
Into a selfish plight.

Just a man like any other, a brother,
Fugitive of justice in his day,
Trying to get his message to us,
Light years away.

 

It says, "The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you,
Not in a mansion of wood and stone.
Split a piece of wood and God is there,
Lift a stone and you will find God."

 

11:43 AM 4/21/2013 ©

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about the gospels of Saint Thomas

 

http://www.guardiansofdarkness.com/GoD/god-kingdom.html

Little Thoughts

Do I think too small?
Do I think at all?
If i have a thought does it matter?
all my little thoughts must lead somewhere for me.
i'm not sure where to be but i'm not sitting here for free.
all my dreams get filed in number 13, how can i think bigger thoughts for me?

i cut myself short and talk myself down.
i hold balloons but never leave the ground.
i make up words so i can say i'm smart, but it's all nonsense, just like my thoughts.
take me up to the clouds i will live there.
fill my head with trivial crap so i won't need it.
i know which way to turn if i never go left.

do i think about you?
do i think about me?
if i think about us does it matter?
all my little thoughts don't add up to anything for me.
i'm not convinced i have what it takes to make it big.
all my hopes get dashed in salt and pepper, how can i think of a better flavor?

i crack myself up and drown myself out.
i slash the tires on my think i can bus.
if my life was a movie, i'd play dumb and dumber, but it's all stupidity, just like my thoughts!
bury my head in the sand i like it there.
ignorance is comfortable and i wear it everywhere.
i know you don't trust me i lie because i want too.

do i think this poem sucks?
do i think you are bored?
if i think it's time to quit does it matter?
all my little thoughts evaporate into air.
i'm quivering in anticipation of my fears.
all my cleverness ran out about 10 years ago so none of this matters!

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5/24/2011

Folder: 
Vent Poems

Lovely girl, lovely pains
Lonely girl, lonely pains
Shed more tears
Sheds no tears
Rips her heart
And tears apart
Tired
Waiting
Patiently
Testing
Wishing
Hoping
Praying
Slowly dying
Done trying.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

At a loss with my current relationship of near 3 years. No clue where I stand.

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