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It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

The Wind is never too late
Minutes and hours may pool into an endless shadow clock
but She cares not for the tick tock tick tock
She has been cast into many worlds
With no hope to ever unfurl

Ravaged with unrest
We seek Her company but know not what is best
For Her

She curls Her arms in a lover's embrace
We reach out in hope
We leave with despair

To Her
we are a ghost of live's past
we are a measure of time She cannot understand
we become dust in Her shapeless lands

And yet... the Wind is never too late
She casts Her endless touch
Hoping        needing        yearning

She is here
She is now
She is always
(The past cannot present itself
when the future was never there)

Sadness beckons, widens, and burdens
And like a loose cannon
we shoot out into the distance
reaching out for anything

To hold
To conquer
To master
To love

But, The Wind... She knows
She is never too late
She catches our follies when we become one with the daisies
She carries our songs which blankets those worlds
She chronicles our stories and heralds them across endless sands

The Wind is here
The Wind is now
The Wind is always

For us
For Her

PINK RIBBONS OF LIGHT

Each morning the sun's presence
gives of himself as presents
wrapped most days in streaming
pink ribbons of light

-saiom shriver-

http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large/pink-ocean-sunrise-patrick-m-lynch.jpg

ice cold numbness

bathing the hands and feet

of soldiers past

doused in healing water

reaching into portals beyond

and flesh and bones 

of days gone by

and a time where sirens

fill the skies

the laughter of chidren dies

he glazed the tip of the scapel

to the wound in my mind

unknowing if whether

the stitch would hold

but had faith in the light of my eyes

her pain was great and lasted years

but the greater pain seen in his tears

a universal bandaid was what he saw

to nulify the scars of war

the surgeon's hopes 

are filled with fears

but love outlasts

all human tears

12:48 PM 7/4/2013

©

..............

Go on and just let it rain

Rain on down

I don’t care

Anyhow

Keep on washing

This pain away

I don’t care

She’s gone away

Twilight’s moonlight

Shines against the sun

Hasn’t taken over yet

But I know it’s won

Just like how I feel right now

Numbness sets on me

Taking away how I felt

What we could’ve been

Hell ya rain is a good thing

Because where would I really be

Without it taking away my thoughts

And all my memory

Without my past

I have a future

So just go on

And just let it rain

Rain on down

I don’t care

Anyhow

Keep on washing

This pain away

I don’t care

She’s gone away

so enticed by your own suffering..

it keeps coming back around.. 

just when you think you're standing up, you get pushed down.

you wonder, but why bother..

I know what that feels like... 

to be swallowing dirt, with your face planted into the ground..

your mind is in constant crucifixion..

you can't look at the clouds, & know the sun is behind it.. 

the hands of time move in circles...

quality is not quantity.. 

tomorrow is not today.

if this storm hovers over me,

if it fucking pours down on me,

for all eternity..

raindrops will glisten through my eyes.. 

you'll see I never tried to hide.. 

because the rain can bring out our true colors,

when given the chance to pass..

I will walk along a street of rainbows,

while the past burns, & falls to ash.. 

my heart says not to turn, & walk away.. 

but so badly it yearns to fly, & just escape..

oh, Sweet Euphoria..

Time flies by way too fast

And what was the present’s now the past

And I think how we were back then

The trees whisper your name again

Sing to me sweet memories

Of just how great things used to be

Remind me again what went wrong

To end the time when we’d get along

Laughing and playing in the summer breeze

Jumping in the river from an old tree

I remember how great things were back then

Sing to me sweet memories

Twelve years later at a county fair

Our first date I was so scared

But your hand felt so right in mine

How would I know I’d forget that time?

Our wedding day, and honeymoon

Before long you’re a mother soon

I felt like I was on top then

I wish I could go back again

Sing to me sweet memories

Of just how things used to be

Of how her kiss felt that night

How holding her felt so right

Knowing my son was on the way

Thanking God everyday

I remember how great things were back then

Sing to me sweet memories

Here I sit in a Hospital room

Doctor says it will be soon

Forgotten life for so long

And my body is not so strong

But as I’m leaving, just before I pass

I see my life through the looking glass

And I see my wife once again

I remember how it was back when

Sing to me sweet memories

Of just how things used to be

Kiss my wife every night

Living, loving through my life

Now to Your Son, I’m on my way

Thank You God everyday

For letting me remember how things were back then

Sing to me sweet memories

Sweet memories

Every tear a snapshot

Every wound a memory

Scars I can’t remove

Remind of what you did to me

Visions glare in front of me

But I can’t feel a thing

That life both past is present

All lost because a ring

I'm trying to make things better,
but they only get worse.
Trying to stuff the pain away
To try and hide the hurt.
But this world is grinding at my sand paper sanity
until it's absolutely nothing.
And these demons have me on my knees begging for mercy.

Well, at least it’s something

I can’t go on like this

I’ve got to get away

Fallen angels dragging me down

To die again today

My heart has lost it’s city lights

It’s eroded into the slum

And I’ll never feel a thing again

I only can feel numb

Lost, abandoned, forsaken, left

Deserted, discarded, neglected, bereft

Cast off again, I can’t even start

Another child aborted, but this was my heart

All that’s left is apathy

Nothing left inside of me

Never will we be one

And so I’m left again, numb