spirit

Spiral to the moon

the eyes are so beautiful... 

people abuse their lips too often.. 

ugly words.. distraught faces.

passing through dark voids.. 

black spaces.. 

footprints in cement..

writing in sand.. 

 

mistakes made, but by the time I realize..

it always seems just too late.

maybe we don't deserve a second chance..

sometimes I feel like that's all I need.

guess i'll have to deal.

 

in my mind, i've kneeled to you & cried.

in this heart, my yearning towards you will not subside so easily.

my soul is screaming..

there's a spirit looking down..

such disappointment,

destroying me.

 

false reality you try & pull her into..

worn limbs, shattered smiles, heavy eyes.

the pain is swelling..

so fake, you keep on, like a robot, with no cause...

fuck these man-made laws.

I don't need your restriction to enjoy myself.

these rules crash down, fallen stones on the ground..

 

I will blow away with the leaves, for I am not stablized as the trees.

some night, near or distant, I will fly up & greet the moon..

when I get there, i'll ask, "is it still too soon...?"

Mystic Law

 

A new day begins and I wonder,

Will this heartache be part of my life?

Seems the whole reason that I existed,

Was in hopes of becoming your wife.

At the day’s end it’s so awful lonely,

As I turn the sheets down on my bed,

Cause your love is felt here with each heartbeat,

And your memory left here in my head.

In this midst of confusion I’m frightened,

With the rug pulled out under my feet,

And the challenges that stand before me,

I pray God grants me courage to meet.

And I’ll hold this love close as I can now,

‘Cause I know it will help me be strong,

At those times when it feels no one loves me, 

I’ll remember the time I was wrong,

I’m still learning that Love’s got to teach us, 

The things that we don’t want to see,

That one’s presence is not what’s important, 

How they "cared" is what’s really the key,

To a world with a whole new beginning; 

‘Cause the Spirit of Love will endure,

Any hardship that we can imagine,

All the arguments, carnage, and more,

So when this world leaves your heart empty,

But sweet memories abide in your head,

And you’re torn between headstrong and heartfelt,

And remember all  that I’ve  said,

That the Spirit of Love lies within you;

It’s the substance of everything here,

It’s the smile you gave when I met you,

It’s the frown and the smirk….it’s the tear….

And our loves and our joys, yes, are wondrous,

But the real thing we’re meant to achieve,

Is to love one another with freedom,

Not possessiveness, envy, or greed.

If we learn this we’ll grow as we should here, 

And plant seeds in each daughter and son,

The Great Spirit of Love will live on here,

And the reason for Life…will have won.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem was written with great empathy shortly after 911, for the surviving wives and wives-to-be of that disaster.

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Not the only one going crazy~

Dark night, bright moon,

you lit my heart on fire.

scorching sun, you have given me purpose,

it lifts me higher.

 

drift into sleep, I'm wishing to see you in my dreams...

at least I can feel you there..

I miss the way you'd push back your hair..

off to the side when you just don't care..

 

the taste of June.. 

the scent of July.. 

the warmth of August.. 

September i'll always remember.

October is way worth to forget.

feeble, faint... 

 

painting a portrait with this soul that reminds me of you,

smudged & running.. 

is this all now but a delusion...?

I can't help but question... 

 

please precious smile, stay with me for a long while.

eyes so piercing..

i'm sorry I can't stop myself from recapping..

it's breaking me apart inside

but i'll hold myself together & stick around for the ride..

 

shallow waters.. low tide.

stop trying to pry open my head.. 

i'll keep shaking you off to the side, instead..

if you can't understand these petty complexes..

i'm not the only one going crazy.

i'm not asking you to save me.. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.13.13

Prism of maimed love

i'll walk alone.. with your precense carved into my heart...

not even stones could break down what i've built up. not any hatred... no fear.

it's going to stay right here..

as long as it remains untouched.. if I can manage to let it be..

then i'll always have you with me.

 

as much as I may look up to the stars & cry..

as much as I ask the sun why...

how often I wish the clouds away.. 

is as much as I feel you every day.. 

 

maybe there is a sharp fence around your heart...

is there cotton in your ears..? is your vision pitch black..?

have you gone blind? is your mind in tact..?

do you think you're just fine..?

 

silly me.. still wondering, though we've left it all behind..

 

all I really want is to die in the grace of someone I love..

gazing into their eyes.. arms held tight..

my spirit could finally take flight. 

 

i'm so fucking sick of this misery..

i'm tired of not having any energy..

i'm done with the pressure on the sides of my head..

i'm finished with the aches in my back.. 

i'll drown out all the nausea..

I will forget about the broken glass..

the shattered past.. 

 

if we didn't know such a thing as sadness existed, would we still feel it..?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.10.13

Facade of a clown

Seems I worry for no reason.. I fall asleep wishing for a change of season.. 

so much for surrounding yourself with "people that care" ..  we all need some fucking fresh air.

 

in matrimony you bled, everything twisted backwards..

you fled, flew away from your mistake..

she hurt you, it's something that can't be erased..

newly wed, lay in bed... with sorrow written all over your face.

 

was I but your placid escape..? like a rope thrown out to sea, for you who was drowning..

age doesn't matter, because who was counting..?

 

my thigh hurts now.. at least it's only my fault, & no one else.

funny how when people hurt you, they blame you for it..

& when you hurt them unintentionally, they still place blame.

either way, it's all the same.

so that's why I alone, will be the one to hurt myself.

you just stay the fuck away.

the damage is already done, no need for you to put me down.. i'm not a silly clown..

your laughter brings disgrace... I want to rip out your teeth... 

everything you've said to me won't be tossed to the side so willingly..

but i'll try to forget.. & let God take care of my revenge. 

 

whatever you've inflicted upon me, will come back to you.. 

you think you're so righteous, so holy.. the one & only...

you think you've crushed me...

silence will be my greatest defense.. a smile will be my shield..

i'll carry a knife, dug within this heart..

& next time you start, i'll dig it right into you.

 

this battle is far beyond our comprehension.. it's between the angels & demons, God & the devil..

so it might not look like i'm doing anything.. but I have both on my side, both defending me.

because he who knows the war runs deeper then words..

deeper then feeling.. deeper then anything you could possibly see..

will be the one winning. 

the angels know what you've done.. they touch my hand, to re-assure me of their loyalty..

the demons have a chamber for you, down in hell.. you'll be put to work, under a spell..

 

my fragile existence will not crumble..

this crippled mind will not give in... 

you'll be entranced by the spell of eternal misery...

working to pay back the debts you owe, to those whom you've put down..

criticised, judged... beneath that facade, you're the clown.. 

Well of waste

I want to drown myself in coffee.. I want to melt into every part of you.

beauty lies within the eyes, so what you expell is what you put out, & in turn recieve.. 

& in those times you bleed, & feel ugly, know it's all a part of being set free.

 

crippled, I stand.

shaking, my hand.

waving, goodbye... I let out a sigh.

why bother to ask? alone at last.. comfort in this clasp..

the suffocation of myself. 

 

breathe, be, clear my eyes with water, in attempt to better see. 

I can't bare anymore to feel the black shroud of this clouded memory..

my heart cries out for clarity..

envisioning the future, I climb..

but we all tend to fall a little short in the grasp of time.. 

 

how I wish to call you darling.. & stroke your hair..

caressing the sides of your face, & playing with the jewelry in your ears..

i'm sorry I couldn't of done better.. for my family has the tendency to fight & fetter.. 

 

another sunny day, wasted away.. I kind of wish I could lie down in my grave, & rest eternally..

maybe so many of us are unhappy because we never stop searching, we never let our heart or mind get a rest..

we always push ourselves further, & wonder why it seems like a test.. 

why haven't my eyes bled out yet...? why am I still here..?

this fear is parasitic.. consuming your insides.. till it's all that's left there... 

 

if I were to die, i'd hate to know he got the satisfaction of my silence...

the suffering I endured, creating massive hurricanes of inner violence.. 

i'll try now, to bring up a well of pity... just for you.. maybe i'll even throw in a penny, or dime..

but not a quarter, cause you were never worth my time.....

 

if you continue.... I hope you fall on your face someday, & land on my grave...

when you do, i'll be sure to pull you straight through, down under, to burn in hells fire..

this is one of my many darkest desires..

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.4.13

Failure in a glass

sad but true, shame on you... all has come unglued..

i'm swimming through this ocean, tide pulling me over & under, just to try & make it back, without blunder..

I'd rather dig a thousand pins into my skin, or burn a billion holes onto my back, then hurt you unintentionally..

can't you see, I'd much rather strike myself...

I don't want anyone to be an object of my pain..

so please refrain from stepping any further.. 

you don't know what goes on in my brain...

these chemicals are mine to control.

so stand back while I get a-hold..

 

ashes to ashes... everything collapses.. piece by piece, coming apart.

nothing ever felt right, from the very fucking start..

sometimes I cannot convey the thoughts in which my mind is stirring up,

or the feelings that cause my heart to silently bleed..

if only I had those wings, I would of flown away long ago..

& saved you from the inevitable hurt..

 

not being here.

sometimes I wonder if that's the only real dream in which i've truly conceived through out this life time..

nothing special, but it sure seems realistic..

she screamed at me, "it's all just a fantasy!" .. inside I went ballistic..

twisting & turning, face to the floor, squirming..

staring down at the shriveled remains of sanity... 

 

your eyes expell such melancholy.. do you see the same in me..?

am I just a tree for you to chop down..?

to carve your name in..?

to climb..? to rest up against..?

no longer will I walk along such a thin frail line..

no longer will I stand out of the shadows to be seen...

for these shadows are all that will vaguely cover me..

offering faint protection.. 

 

sometimes you can't avoid the rejections, the experiences, or the lessons..

when you drink that water, check the bottom to make sure it's clean..

though it may appear transparent & clear..

you could end up swallowing a ton of nails...

choking on how much you've failed..

shame on me, too.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.2.13

-sigh-

Scabbed

if I had a scar for every mistake i've made..
I think i'd have as many as you.. 
Satan is impaling his dagger into my throat..
why can't you see that inbetween every breath, I choke..
you spin that thread like some spider in the corner above your bed..
casting webs into thin air.. 
you look so evil while you sit back & stare...
everything around you struggling..
 
your screams echo in the center of my head...
sound waves of pain..
pulling me further into disdain..
from you I try to refrain...
I swear every single day is just another suicide..
all you've got is filthy money on your mind..
 
if I could, I would wipe you out..
never to see the grey of another fucking New Jersey day..
would you finally be happy?
stop saying "it'll always be this way"..
cause fuck you i'm going to get out of here no matter what I have to do.
I've grown tired of the constant debating with you..
just let me do what i'm going to do..
apparently my hands aren't clean anyway, so bloodstains wouldn't make a difference..
it can be washed off, but the memory leaves a permanent stain.
 
inhaling that same toxic air...
how do you ever expect to get anywhere..?
your eyes have grown faint & your laughter means nothing to me..
you're all just bathing in one another's self destructive disease.. 
 
I want so badly to just float in the sky...
I need a real change of tide.. 
I want to climb a purple mountain,
dive off & grow some black angel wings,
man of all the fucking simple things.... 
can I fly to another dimension?
or will this back always be scabbed of the wings you've prevented me...?
robbing me of my potential as I watch everyone else let their's coil down the drain..
damn.. which of us is truly insane?
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

2.8.13

Unmade mends, loosened knots, dead disillusion

Shrouded with doubt.. cynicism has buried it's way in..

through the skin.. parasites, they grin.. 

I don't know if i'm mean't to be where I am anymore, cause I made a mistake long ago,

did it take me off the right road?

maybe there isn't a right!! maybe everything is just wrong...

perhaps neither of the two.

damn, it can seem so confused.. 

 

These days are like flying forever on an aeroplane, constantly changing destinations while the inside stays the same..

too many people got money on the brain, i'm tellin' you it's gunna really rob your heart of the warmth that brings about positive change.. 

but you're too worried about keeping the change you could be sparing to another brother, in need of some support..

 

God could of wiped me from this earth by now..

the tears I shed are so full of life, & yet so fucking dead..

is this emptiness set apart from what's actually going on within my head..?

will these mends ever be made?

my heart is not your scapegoat, & my mind is not your slave..

so step away.. i'm not able to be caged.

 
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