soul

Unconditional

Folder: 
Poems.

I gaze upon them, so peaceful,

The life they lead, so blissful.

Their whiskers bend on the carpet,

Grouped in pairs, like a bartlett.

The songs they sing, ever loving,

Grazing my heart, so touching.

Patters of their feet instill amusement,

As they run to me in contentment.

The fur that drapes them, the softest,

Brushing my skin, I almost lost it.

The moments we share, always profound,

The love we exchange, safe and sound.

Within these arms they know,

That their soul I take with me in tow.

If ever we find ourselves apart,

One thing always remains: our heart.

And If My Soul Is Crying

It’s happening again,

Such unbearable pain,

And if my soul is crying

As my heart is breaking, then that’s fine…

 

I’ve let so many people down,

Lost so many beautiful opportunities,

I feel so failed and forlorn,

But is that really such a tragedy?

 

Perhaps, rather,

It’s a positive thing,

Shouldn’t a true artist be suffering?

At least I’m feeling something…

 

It’s happening again,

Such unbearable pain,

And if my soul is crying

As my heart is breaking, then that’s fine…


 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

'And If My Soul is Crying' was penned during an episode of almost unbearable abyssal sadness, although precisely when it occurred I cannot say other than it was in 2015.

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Cry In My Sleep

 

 I Lost My Ability To Cry
I'm Hurting So Much
I Feel Hurt
I Feel Pain
I Want To Cry
But Theres Not Tears
Theres No Emotions
Hold Me Please


Because I Can't Feel My Arms
I Can't Feel My Legs Anymore
I Feel Like Crying
But I'm Dying In My Sleep
Waking Up With Dried Up Eyes
I Don't Remember Crying
I Don't Remember Sleeping
Chill Runs Through On My Skin


Crying Out In Pain
I Wish I Could Cry
For My Body Can't Take It Anymore
Is This What It Feels Like
Why Must I Feel So Cold
Why Must I Feel So Emotionless
Pieces Of My Heart
Tears In Pieces


I Wish Again
I Could Cry
Just Once More
If I Could Hold You
If I Could Hug You
And Tell You One More Thing
I Just Want To Cry
I Want To Cry On Your Shoulder

 

 

Death of Infatuation

Folder: 
Light and Dark

I've never seen an angel bleed

Till I stood with knife in hand

I've never seen a devil cry

Till I looked once through it's eyes

 

You were my drug

Long before I acclimated

Long before withdrawal

I needed you to survive

 

I can feel your eyes on my back

Can't you hear me?

I'm silent on the outside

But screaming on the inside

I'm soul-lost

I can't find who I am anymore

 

Maybe I'll be fine

Perhaps I will survive

But I just don't know if

I can outlast your memory

 

If I lose myself in drugs and dreams

Or fly away to places and things

To fill the gap you left behind

Consuming body, soul, and mind

 

But there is no need

To conjure dreams

When life comes

In such radiant colors

 

They say Pandora is to blame

Her curiosity brought us pain

And fear of darkness in the night

But there was hope in candle-light

 

From the dark, a light will shine

Before the day, the night has gone

And now we know it burns so fine

That is why it's called, breaking dawn.

 

And maybe, just maybe

That which dies gives birth to something new

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Needs a better title

I do

I do

 

 

Do you know what it feels like to have never been loved?

Do you know what it feels like to have never been liked?

Do you know what it feels like to hear the words, believing it, only to be bluffed?

Do you know what it feels like to feel liked, told you are liked, only to be able to get ‘’their’’ true intentions right?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken for 42 years?

The hurt never ever goes away, or fades, it stays

Do you know what it feels like to realize each and every time you’ve just been fooled, and tears…

Well the tears never dry up, it lasts for decades

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to be used your entire life?

Do you know what it feels like to be the one who always has to heal, and help?

At your own emotional and financial loss, just to serve your purpose in life?

Do you know what it feels like to know, that you will never have anyone when you need help?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to only be viewed and desired as sexual object?

Do you know what it feels like to only be used and viewed as emotional help?

Do you know what it feels like to fall in love with the only outcome being: reject?

Do you know what it feels like to carry your Mother from birth knowing she didn’t want you, she wished you could just melt

 

I do

 

Do you know what it feels like to work your entire life only to survive?

Do you know what it feels like to be hated by most females, due to jealousy?

Do you know what it feels like to live with so much hatred from strangers just because you are alive?

Do you know what it feels like to try live your life in secrecy?

 

I do

Do you know what it’s like to know you will never be loved?

Do you know what it’s like to only attract lust?

Do you know what it’s like to know you will never be liked?

Do you know that my entire life, people lied, just to be able to satisfy their lust?

 

I do

 

Do you know what it’s like to know you were never wanted from birth, yet ‘’loved’’ because you are her slave, and your Mom can life a happy life and relive her youth through you and all boyfriends and dates who claims to love me even though it is just lust

 

Do you know what it’s like to know you are only ‘’liked’’ for the financial and emotional help you can be?

Only be liked because they lust after you?

Do you know what it’s like to be me?

 

I do

 

 Do you know what it is like to have your heart broken endlessly?

 

I do

 

Do you know what’s it’s like to think of a perfect way to commit suicide daily knowing what the rest of your life will be

 

I do

 

Marriage, engagement, true love, true friendships based on like –I will never experience

Death is imminent, and I pray that the day comes soonest, before I find my own way

 

Do you know how much pain my heart and soul can handle?

 

I do

 

It has reached the limit


Written by

Dlr

Thoughts On Life and Mortality

The ancients declared that all is meaningless

A chasing after the wind

 

The modernists claim that nothing is real

A consuming, constant dream

 

So what shall we say on our mortality;

What should we surmise of our souls?

 

We've all been screaming what we want to hear

And yet the truth quietly whispers, drowning our voices

 

We pay our very souls to safely cross the river Styx

Only to find that we can't leave Charon without them

 

We give our all to gain what our hearts desire,

And realize that we have lost everything to gain nothing

 

What man can bring back one second of his life;

Yet time seems worthless without entertainment

 

We campaign to save our fellow man,

By placing funds in already full pockets

 

Humans are dimensional amphibians, living both spirit and body,

The ghost in the machine

 

How light a heart in love!

How heavy a heart in sorrow

 

The weight of a soul drags me down

But hope can keep me alight

 

We strive for goodness through deeds and laws,

But laws are not for good deeds, or good people

 

We cannot live long alone, and yet push others away,

Until we are left with only our “selves”

 

We push and strive to become better than ourselves

Yet we can only grow inside our own nature

 

At what point in our quest to become God

Did we convert into the devil instead?

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Wandering

Wandering into the unknown 

Traveling alone, on the lonely road

Emptiness swelling inside my mind

Constant suicidal thoughts pass me by

Coaxing me to fall behind

Convincingly, temptingly, opening my eyes

To see there is nothing left of me

Nothing stored for my future ahead

Pictures of my past on this screen

A private slideshow of what used to be

My life is playing over, in front of me

Hypnotized, mesmerized, by what lies ahead

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Another poem with no date. My mother printed a lot of poems that I had up on a website for years, so this is all much older.

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The Bouttonniere and Corsage

Folder: 
Poems

I'm walking by a place,

A place that has lost its reason to walk by.

Now I look at it with a somber face and a heavy heart.

I do recall the times i was here,

the joy and cause I had to visit here.

But its not those reasons that make me low.

Not the nostolgiac talks or even the cause of the past that weighs on my soul.

It is the joy of then, and lack of it now that brings me low.

The smiles that were, the smiles that aren't and smiles that could have been

The smiles that could have been.

 

Now instead I walk falsely,

to make light of what weighs heavy.

To make light of what weighs heavy.

I hold my head a little higher, stand a little straighter,

work a little harder; work a little too hard.

Joke a little more, laugh a little louder and smile,

Smile a little too much.

To make light of what weighs heavy at the place I'm walking by.

Arrangement in any minor key

Arrangement in any minor key

By JFarrell

 

The music is me

Discordant, harsh, out of tune

A roaring cacophony

Ill composed from its beginning

 

Composed by a loveless mother

Transcribed by a violent father

A minor key

For sadness and pain

 

Along the way

It’s been added to, altered

Key changes everywhere

By those who consider themselves conductors

 

But, now

A new instrument has found its voice

From the depths of my soul

Haunting pizzicato strings stir and swell

 

An orchestra of strings hails the now

And is answered by woodwind breaths

The angelic harmony of harp song

Envelopes all

 

With a life of its own

The music of my soul rewrites me

Rewrites all that I was and have become

I am now a movement in the key of E

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

music heals