agony

Sweet Silent Scream

Folder: 
Struggles

Enveloped in sheets, in silence,

The sheets stay still, 

But in the mind is the scream--

the visit from you that won't stop

 

I see you; you do not,

I scream, plead and cry,

And you go on and on, with your life,

 

All I want, all I need, is to be 

needed, and wanted

 

You cry, and I scream to let me

Soothe your pain, to let me 

help in any way, 

 

and you stare into the distance, 

while I'm in limbo stuck,

in this sickly state I stare:

 

I want to be released. To let go and yet

Somehow this is still a.

sweet, silent.

scream

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Somehow, nightmares just keep repeating. 

 

And yet somehow, we are sometimes most alive then. 

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T.R.O.Y. (The Ruins Of You)

Folder: 
Confessions

I stand in the ruins of you
carrying the casket
of the memories of us
Once, 
a cradle of holy affection and love.
Here lie the shattered 8 months
of unison prayers, 
jeepney banters,
subtle, orgasmic whispers,
the euphoria of meeting your mother,
and the dreams we built 
on midnight kisses and sacred moans.

The pen you gave me
still holds
its allegiance to you
refusing to spill its ink
thriving on its own will
I grapple it by its neck
and watch it slowly faint.

Lonely hearts from the start,
we relished the thought of a lasting love.
Two candles burn
when two lovers pray.
On our very first date,
I cursed on how you made me wait.
On our very last day,
I prayed that He would make you stay.
People say first impressions last
But you had me only at second glance.

Sober fools in a clandestine night
we laughed and walked for hours and miles
You, holding my bag
Me, holding your hand.
This was before his ghost haunted you
again
alive and well.
This was before in between hours,
you’d forget my whispers
and long for his.
This was before your friend 
called me to say,
“Just let him go. Love is not supposed
to work this way.”

The dark clouds came
and never left.

I stand in the ruins of you,
claws clutching to the ground,
eyes beaten and tired,
feet still shackled 
with the ropes you gave me last June
and every inch of them is an untold story
and each story is a blow to my head.
Love is but a slowly unfolding agony.
Knot
after
knot,
I untangle these shackles I tied myself to.
Knot
after
knot,
I begin to remember 
the life I built around you and me,
the dreamy kisses,
the day I met your friends and family,
the night I got so drunk
you had to forget our fight
to come and get me,
the night you got so drunk
you had to forget our fight
to say you still love me.
But the high wasn’t worth the agony
of knowing that at my lowest point,
confined in a hospital,
covered with punctures,
you successfully abandoned me;
of carrying a bleeding heart every day
and hoping it won't leak;
of feeling the sands of time slip
away from your grasp,
along with all your hope and chance;
of finally choosing to live through hell
hoping that your lover would remember
the warmth of an earthly heaven
you built for yourselves and once lived in.
of knowing that the memory of us
would later turn to dust
and I am to collect them
with bare hands.
Knot
after
knot,
The walls of this temple begin to shatter
I am no longer your prisoner.
I stand in the ruins of you,
claws clutching
on crumpled bed sheets,
rubbles of your promises,
residues of your gifts,
pictures torn to pieces, 
my handwritten notes
a hundred poems, 
a thousand letters
and the ashes of our bodies.
I spread my wings 
and begin to rise
and look up for the clouds
The dark clouds that came
never left.
But I am.
•••

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about moving on.

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ROW 19, Seats FED

I’m not sure what it was that woke me. Could have been the constant vibrations coming from the wing sticking out the window, or maybe the dammed screeching coming from the one baby that seems to sit next to me on every flight I’ve ever taken. Either way, I see it as some stroke of luck. Before the flight I was trapped in a Midwest airport, drinking with the scum of the skies. I had had a little too much to drink and passed out as soon as I sat down, just before the captain told the passengers that three was nothing to worry about, he was a professional and had full control of the flying tons of metal that was about to travel across the sea. So when I woke up, it was just in time for the stewardess to serve me another round. Just what I needed. Why they subject women to this type of degrading service, I’ll never know.
This trip over the sea seemed different compared to others. Different, in the sense that all the excitement of travelling was lost. I remembered myself sitting in the airport earlier in the day, staring curiously, wishing they were all dead. I’ve learned to hate airports. People are strange, when they are strangers. And people in airports are the very testament to that. Thanks Jim. Maybe it’s something to do with nerves, unloading there deep dark secrets and fears to complete strangers as they lull in front of endless terminal space trying to pass the time. Before maybe I would have felt compelled to tell the world my story. But today, this time around, I felt very comfortable being a recluse. Just another face, with a boarding pass to somewhere.
The closes I got to some real interaction in the rat maze that is the DIA airport was of course in the smoking lounge. I use the word lounge very loosely because in reality it was a room no bigger than something you could find on the back side of the Las Vegas strip. There were maybe 3 and a half tables at the opening of the room. The rest was lined with a long counter that rapped around the entire place. It was in the back of the airport and three of the walls were just glass, so onlookers to either see their fate to come, or reminisce about the flight they just had. The place was packed with lost souls, aimless churning their lives away one puff at a time. I’m clearly the youngest person on the space, yet I feel at home. I sit a seat away from some old had and kindly of the seat to a more qualified gentlemen who comes in behind me. He thinks I’m signaling him in some sort of masculine code and takes off running toward the witch. ( I move to a less active corner of the place shortly after). I inhale three cigarettes before the waiter notices I’m apart of society and demands my donation to the sleazy smoking establishment. Of course we can’t kill ourselves for free; there is always an entrance fee. But since there is nowhere else to smoke, I give in quickly and buy something that resembles an IPA. Nine fucking dollars, can you believe? I scrap with a few locals over an outlet plug-in to charge my phone and settle in. Just then a particular looking Mexican man and a black guy with an unusual amount of gold accessories walk in. The Mexican, in true jumping bean fashion orders all the tequila in the airport and a couple of beers for him and his friend. The black guy calmly grabs his drink, and the two sit next to two rednecks of all people. I drink my beer, beaming with excitement for what’s about to happen next. They pounded the first round together but the jumping bean bored of his black friend and turned to the red necks. I’m not sure how, but the three strike up a conversation about vehicles and guns. Apparently they all have extensive knowledge about motor bikes. My excitement drops a notch. Back home the rednecks, curse, spit and cruise on bikes in the back woods of some southern state that allows them to fire guns and have multiple wives. The bean curses and cruises down the long beaches with tinted shades and practice his hidden talent of whistling to ladies in short skirts as he rides by. All I can think is how being in a trapped in a confined space while drinking, stimulates universal topics such as motor bikes. American comradely is still alive in this airport. With no hope of race wars, I left the smoke stop for about an hour to refuel and drink with a change of scenery. When I returned the black man, the Mexican and the rednecks hadn’t appeared too moved and were deep into conversation. The rednecks were saying that they had been held up in this smoke jungle for something like seven hours straight, drinking and choking down marble reds. The Mexican, although he had only been there a short while was trying to catch up to them, drinks wise, as quickly as he could. He started order double shots of tequila and piss water beer to chase it all down. The black guy, who I suspected was once a cool guy from Texas, was also drunk but still comprehendible. Then all hell broke loose. The Mexican after finishing his latest round of shots and fabricated stories of drag races in the sierra desert became in raged. With what, I’m still not sure. But he grabbed the nearest waitress, demanding another round and planted a sloppy kiss right on her mouth when he was finished. The waitress took it surprisingly well, as if nothing happened. She was an old broad, probably mid-50s, and had a look on her face that said she had dealt with men like this before. She politely nodded, turned and went to the back. Maybe this tactic had worked else where I thought. Maybe the Mexican was actually some sort of con man, who flew from airport to airport picking waitress in bars all around the country by aggressively attacking them out of nowhere. The rednecks just hooted and hollered, with the black man rolled his eyes. The Mexican, fell out of his seat and said he was going to locate the bathroom before returning for the waitress. I immediately ordered another drink and moved a bit closer to the action. The black man started to explain to the rednecks that the Mexican was actually not his friend and just some random guy he knew from work. Apparently they were in the oil business and had just flown in from Wyoming. They had just landed and flew back home from Wyoming and the boss had turned them loose for a few days to get straight. A well-deserved break from the cold steel and even harsher conditions. Then he started to explain how his Mexican counterpart was notorious for drinking and making an ass out of himself. On the job, in an airport, it didn’t matter. And he made it very clear to the rednecks and too the staff that he wanted no part in the next round. The rednecks hooted and hollered with even more enjoyment than before and we all waited. Everyone in that smoking lounge seemed to be waiting for what would happen next. When the Mexican returned, seemingly more drunk, he was shocked to find that his order had not been brought out yet. He turned in the direction the waitress ran off to and called for her. A cute looking man, who seemed to be the comic relief of the staff team. And by cute, I mean the grown man type who thinks they can get away with one-liners about traveling and plane fights because he works in an airport bar. He walks to the Mexican, still in his cute facade and serves him a bottle of water. The crowd goes silent, the black man looks to the floor and the rednecks turn away and stare out the window. In fact the whole room shifted in some way or another, to avoid the gaze of the Mexican man. I swiftly lit another smoke and pretended to text away. The Mexican could sense the tone of the room change as fast as it happened. He was nervous, but still not drunk enough to be embarrassed in front of a room full of strangers. So he laughed at the waiter, and told him to bring the broad back out with the drinks. The waiter said, he was advised not to give out anymore drink to him because of some made up policy that he and the waitress surely devised in the back room in the last 6 minutes. The Mexican laughed again, and threatened he wouldn’t pay for his drinks until the man brought him more drinks. The waiter, lost his boyish charm and simply said he could have water or nothing. The Mexican, who must have caused too many scenes in his day or simple felt he was defeated with nothing to protest against the dozen witnesses in the room who were all laughing at him, said OK. He whipped out his wallet threw some 20s on the ground and stormed out, with the black man close behind.
Now, here I am, on my plane to London with two complementary bottles of wine, and another tucked away, as the lights go out for the mandatory nap time. I wouldn’t be surprised if the pilots took a break to mull around in first class looking for anyone who looked impressed. The stewardess literally asked me to,” Pop the blinds down,” because she British and stupid. Everyone glares at me because I’m the only jackass with the light on.

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Memory

Folder: 
2013

I cannot remember a time when my youth was untouched by the waves of reality.

I cannot recall ever playing in the sand building monuments of splendor.

But most of all, I do not remember any kiss on the forehead or bedtime story.

Although there are somethings I do remember, I remember them everyday.

I remember my mother being torn from my grasp and I cannot convey my agony.

I remember my father murdering my childhood joys.

There is one last thing I cannot remember. Perhaps it has yet to happen.

Or perhaps it is within me now.

 

 

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Antidote - March 24, 2012

I'm sorry about my burden, how I'm so wrong,

And how I'm so stupid with all that I do.

I'm sorry about the way I am, I dont belong.

I'm sorry that I never at all deserved you.

 

But you can't see this part of me I'm hiding,

That's so crudely hidden under what you see?

I'm sick of crying, and I can't keep on trying,

Without you I'm worthless, you are so free.

 

You're my antidote that gets me past every day,

You're the one to always save me from my agony.

I wish I could show you I can't live this way.

I wish I could show you my sorrowful blasphemy.

 

The infectious pain quickly tears me apart,

And shatters my will within a few words.

I feel so helpless, I wish I could restart,

And go back to when I wasn't such a coward.

 

You're my lost antidote, come cure this poisoning;

Come reverse me, turn me to my former being.

Please stay forever and keep me from maddening,

And keep me from the edge, stop the bleeding.

Prism of maimed love

i'll walk alone.. with your precense carved into my heart...

not even stones could break down what i've built up. not any hatred... no fear.

it's going to stay right here..

as long as it remains untouched.. if I can manage to let it be..

then i'll always have you with me.

 

as much as I may look up to the stars & cry..

as much as I ask the sun why...

how often I wish the clouds away.. 

is as much as I feel you every day.. 

 

maybe there is a sharp fence around your heart...

is there cotton in your ears..? is your vision pitch black..?

have you gone blind? is your mind in tact..?

do you think you're just fine..?

 

silly me.. still wondering, though we've left it all behind..

 

all I really want is to die in the grace of someone I love..

gazing into their eyes.. arms held tight..

my spirit could finally take flight. 

 

i'm so fucking sick of this misery..

i'm tired of not having any energy..

i'm done with the pressure on the sides of my head..

i'm finished with the aches in my back.. 

i'll drown out all the nausea..

I will forget about the broken glass..

the shattered past.. 

 

if we didn't know such a thing as sadness existed, would we still feel it..?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.10.13

Epitome of loss

I can see you falling, piece by piece, withering... like dead petals..

& the vase your dying in, is cracked & worn thin...

you can't elude this fate.. the memory can't be erased..

the gaze of your eyes pushed through the surface of who I am, & what I was..

it was like choking on nails.. I could feel each of my flaws..

epitome of loss...

Author's Notes/Comments: 

written maybe almost 2 months ago.. short but it expresses a lot for me.

Cutting (Epilogue)

Pain scorches my mind

As I peruse the novels

Of my recollections

Every night is identical

Read, reminisce, agony

So I incinerated the library

Of my long kept memories

And their embers seared a hollowness

Into my soul

The ashes of my past

Floating away into the blood-red of the firmament

Or is it of my veins

I can’t say

I can’t remember

I don’t care

The stars sing tenderly to me

Their mournful cry from afar

Helpless to relieve me

Powerless to help

Incapable of aiding

A dying man

A vanished cause

A solitary shadow

I’ve given up the contest

There is no longer a challenge

No longer the next battle

Just eternity at my fingertips

And the doorway in my hand

A slit across the open earth

And I fade into nothingness

Perhaps they will miss me when I’m gone

Funny how they listen

When you can no longer speak

Yet, perhaps they will forget me

I do not know

Another life aborted

Gone into I know not where

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Note: I do not cut now, this is just a story.  Written after the end, therefore subtitled Epilogue. I won't say to enjoy this one...

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Seraphim

Always fighting
My two natures
War within me causes shivers
I can’t hold it
What am I?
A man or beast
A demon or angel
Do angels burn?
Do their wings catch fire?
Mine do
My mind is in torment
It reels from it’s agony
My heart is broken
Again
It’s lying in pieces on the floor
I look up
Who is my tormentor?
A mirror image of my own face
The past self
The present regret
What darkness is in your eyes!
I get off the ground
My bone-wings still on fire
A red halo above my head
And a blue-flame inside my chest
But who are you?
I know your face
My love
Why do you want me?
Look at me, I am fallen
And have further to fall.
Yet she picks me up
My wings cannot grab the air
I can no longer fly with her
I am doomed
And my bane approaches
But she resists my fate
And pulls me to my feet
One kiss
And everything’s alright
My body enveloped in blue flame
Now, I am loved
I have purpose
I have a mandate from the one who sent her
I have the power to love my enemies
To put others before myself
I have the power to do wonders in His Name
And I love her who saved me
Who am I?
I am SERAPHIM