insanity

You Don't Know Me

You poor little porcupine.

It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.

I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.

But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.

 

I cannot pull them out or I would die.

So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little

While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.

 

The future was bright for us.

You couldn’t stand by to let me sink

So you taught me to swim.

I wanted to return the favor badly.

But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.

 

The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.

You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.

You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.

You made every effort to show that you loved me

Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.

 

A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.

The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.

I was working hard and I felt out of breath.

You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.

 

“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.

“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”

Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”

“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”

“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”

“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”

I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.

You made it seem like the world hates me now.

So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.

It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself

If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.

 

I never asked you to help me.

You did so at your own volition.

If you didn’t want to in the first place,

You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”

We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.

 

But here you are.

You called me immature.

You called me a teen in an adult’s body.

You said I never bothered to do my share.

 

But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?

Or better yet, look in a mirror?

You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.

The scholars in my inner circles do.

 

Whose leg are you trying to pull?

My loved ones know exactly what you said.

They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.

If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.

 

I can admit when I am anyway.

You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.

And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.

In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.

It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.

And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.

But I am done with you.

I am done letting your vitriol take up space.

I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.

I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.

My love for you was just practice for the next person.

Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.

Because I discovered that what you don’t know

Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work

Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.

The Skies Have Never Been Greyer

The skies have never been greyer.

I don’t heal from mental scars overnight.

Neither do you.

I overthink small problems and I wither when I make mistakes.

So do you.

It made me smile that we have our own inner demons.

It gave me the realization that I would not be alone.

 

When two broken hearts get together,

I often dream that they are matches made in heaven.

Because we understand where we’ve been

And why these circumstances made us the way we are.

But in every relationship, it is the furthest thing from paradise.

It won’t be the last time that we’d be walking on thin ice.

 

You are a sweetheart to me and I won’t forget the way you changed my life.

You’ve inspired me to meet icons whose wealth exceeds my wildest dreams.

You’ve helped me see that they’re human beings just like you and me.

You’ve given me pieces of you to keep me on my feet and explore uncharted territory in Wonderland.

You’ve compelled me to think that you wouldn’t ask for much as long as I said,

“I love you. My life wouldn’t be the same without you.” every night.

You constantly worry you lose me and that nothing in life goes right for you.

I keep trying to do my own thing while battling the sergeants that disagree with my decisions.

Don’t let our fickle position be added to my list of never-ending burdens.

 

Sometimes I stay the best of friends with people I was fond of before.

I’m never the “love them and leave them” type as long as I’m still on good terms with them

And remind myself that the past is in the past and no one is taking me anywhere.

Not that anyone could anyway as long as I make a living trying to tell nectarines and peaches apart.

Tonight when I talked about it with you, the way I opened up to you was like stepping in a land mine.

I don’t want to keep secrets from you so you wouldn’t fear I’d leave you to drown in a vale of tears.

But I’ll lock them up and throw away the key if I’m put on the spot like this.

Then I wouldn’t let you touch me the way you do now.

 

I’ve learned many hard lessons from falling in love and interpreting one’s intentions.

One taught me that it’s pointless to disguise odium as empathy.

One taught me that I can never choose what the love of my life gets offended by.

One taught me not to rely too heavily on my other half lest I lose my ability to solve problems.

One taught me not to sacrifice too much when making a commitment.

One taught me that there’s more to life than shotgun weddings and procreation.

One taught me to love who I am before I can give my light to others.

A lost boy who’s a year away from adulthood has given me his by sharing his own disappointments

Yet he still has the heart to resurrect the brotherly side that I had previously lost to a poisonous fable.

 

I know I want to love

And I want to be loved in return

But I am a free spirit and close friends mean the world to me.

I never see myself as a “give and take” kind of bloke

All because the little things in life are what matters more to me.

Who would want a lover like that?

 

I am sorry that you feel the way you do, but no matter what the future brings,

I’ll always love you and be indebted to your compassion.

I swear on the grave of my jewel and cousin, I wish you the best in life

Whether I spend mine with you or not.

The skies have never been greyer.

The Seed

in what dark recesses of torture remain

exists a dreaded seed for us to obtain

to keep us sane and deliver us from evil

so goes the creed of an everlasting people

 

unending doubt resonates to be

impermanance rooted in an everlasting dream

scarcity of hope glimmering in dusk

prevention of fortune in a world of luck

 

forever told from stories past

eerily reminiscent of perpetual task

systems of new destroyed wisdom once known

for all apart of a world unsown

 

grimmace and malice plagued once more

in dire times that conjured vile scorn

but it was hope that was given once last chance

now grows a tree from the seed of our past

Azathoth - Mighty Flutist God

Folder: 
Poetry

At the center of the Universe,

Is Azathoth, in all His might.

Corpulent mass of swirling,

Chaotic forms and more.

 

Piping an odd sound,

Which is muted at its bone.

Without melody or rhythm,

A sound lonely through His madness.

 

Like a Sultan on His throne,

They dance around the dome.

The 12 Dancing Gods so blind,

Of which Nyarlathotep did depart in His might.

 

Azathoth, the insane and formless God

The mad mass of Chaos

Piping the world to an end...

 

Insanity is what He is about!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Cthulhu Mythos poem.

spiraling

Folder: 
Poetry

I'm spiraling out of control

With no where to go

 

My mind is losing it's grip

Reality is begining to slip

 

There's no where left to turn

My desire starts to burn  

 

I can't seem to find my feet

My heart is ceasing to beat  

 

Sanity is but a shallow dream

Spinning too fast, I begin to scream  

 

I'm losing my balance, starting to fall

The world's gone black, you can't hear my call  

 

It's dizzying how fast I'm going

There's an odd feeling of knowing  

 

The end is near, it's closing in

My patience is wearing thin  

 

Goodbye to my sanity

It's spiraling out from beneath me  

 

I'm no longer who I was before

There's no one here anymore!

Truth of me

I'm not in control, I'm not your only heart beat. I'm scared of what the future may hold. Will I be there when you have the other in your arms, or will I fade away in to the shadows. I love with all my heart, I fear with all my soul. When will I have control over my fears and my tears.

 

It scares me to think of a life without you, a life of no sun and a red moon. With you gone there would be no rhime, no reason, no time of season's. Just darkness over my mind and pleags of death on my soul. I will never lose you, that's what you say, well tell the voice that you will stay. They will not lessen, they will not stop, there's nothing I can do but bottle up. You want me open, it causing more harm then good, just let me die slowly, I really wish you would.

 

I know you won't my gallant knight, I know you'll fight for me so deep in my night. But this demons have no shape no form, they with cut you open with out a knife and leave you in a storm. I don't know how to fix what the voices and I have broken, the trust gone it was stolen and undone. I want to turn back time to when we first meet, so you can feel the passion you once felt. Wish I was enuff to make the passion new, wish I was stronger then I am. A life time of pain and broken hearts is what I carry, the scares are to deep for the words "I won't" to carry. 

 

They are why people leave me, they are why I was alone, they are why I bottle, they hurt the ones I love though me.

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Insane

Folder: 
letters to Anna

Dear Anna,

How could some one love anyone who doesn't exist
Turning their non existence into in-existence.
to be in a world of delusion, a dream land
some may call this insane
But i reckon we are all sane and insane
By our own ways,But i sure am mad
A mad man estranged and straying
Looking for the cause of his delusion
I am not insane by a cause but my own choice
Sure as crazed this may sound today
But tomorrow when you will find me
And when we are in love
Then you will know, My love
Today's insanity is tomorrow's sanity


Your's and always Your's
Kamal

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The Worst of A Savage

I feel like I'm getting cut off the chord

Another guy's cheating on his girlfriend while he's bored

Lies to his good friend and runs off again anew

Leaves his friend to the wolves and what is true

 

To lie and kiss when you belonged to another
To take away a poor soul's virginity and have a 10th lover

All of this and more at once

Consecutively deceiving and ongoing months

 

I wonder just what is your problem?

To steal so many hearts and trap a robin

And feed the sickness to the sea of insanity

Starting another storm and change the skies to calamity

 

To taint another's love

and slit the throat of a peaceful dove

You set a storm in the deepest of hearts

and set wounds inside the most delicate parts

When will you ever seem to care or learn

Until the harsh fire inside of you ceases to burn

 

To turn yet another to stone

and eat the flesh and leave bare bone

Laying in the shadows waiting for the next poor soul to ravage

Clearly you fit the name, the worst of a savage

 

 

 

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Burderned

Spent most of my life, trapped in the dark

Chasing some sort of light, mindset so stark

I go deep into the darkness, all consumed

But somehow I emerge, hope renewed

It happens every time, like it's a game

Every day wondering, is this my last play

Focused mindset, clouded by negativity

Hoping, praying, for a moment of serendipity

This light that I'm chasing, it seems to fade

The edges of my sanity, they seem so frayed..

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I don't remember writing this. I was looking through a notepad I sometimes write in, saw this and thought I'd upload it. This is the first poem I've uploaded. The art of English is not a great subject for me. All comments welcome, negative and positive.