Rage

Just Ask, Do Not Assume

Folder: 
January 2019
beginning to lose her patience; 
short-tempered quite frequently no one knows, for she goes unnoticed
not one has seen the flame once so small for now its a blazing and raging fire within. she remains silent. only to concentrate solely on her journey at hand.  with daily strength and success for almost a year now. for she is true to herself on the inside and out; that's all that matters to her is that she stays true to herself. what people may think of her, or assume about her, or are skeptical about her, or why they may doubt her, or why they question to themselves about her - she has not a care for; false thoughts and untrue accusations honestly are none of her concern for if she did care, she'd be allowing the enemy to take over her thoughts in her mind she's only concerned about herself and her journey. she tries not to care; but deep down when she's alone she cries herself to sleep each night. the outside no longer cares; inside her heart begins to harden  once again, starts to shut out the world completely;
eventually, there will no longer be hurt, always being interrupted in her speaking,her thought or idea is wrong they say. being cut short in every encounter;rage is beginning to burn brightly, the harden heart; will reveal the truth about her pain those have caused her. her soul will be set free. 
avoid her, cut her short, no longer caring to speak to her; or to hear from her anymore.  a question, a thought, or an idea, even those encounters are practically nonexistent in her world;  
as brief as a lightning strike her soul begins to show from behind those eyes opened wide, she can see the light fading quickly;for in beginning it to burn brightly now in her eyes, she can see that it's going out. for when she started this journey she began to be happy again, that for many years happiness was absent in her life. until she found a new way, a journey that was beginning to give her meaning, 
a purpose, she had meaning in her life. although she continues to be successful, for she has not had a stumble, a slip, or a fall since day one and even today there is still none.
there are NO intentions or a desire to slip, to stumble, or to fall but to keep moving forward as she has been since the beginning of her journey. a step at a time, a prayer at a time, still learning, 
still growing in faith, still has love, the light that once began to glow is now being snuffed out by: the unasked question that they can't answer, the look from others doubting eye, a grapevine statement, an accusation, 
an assumption that others think to be true. the wildfire that started to burn brightly within her is now just a glow being snuffed out by those around her!
why? the fire of happiness is unknowingly causing her to begin to harden her heart all over again after so many stepping stones that have been reached along her journeyed path. 
Does she begin to feel what's the point? if they put out the flame, will she still have a meaning, a purpose the situation is being threatened. not one of them is willing to ask her the question that they have on the tip of their tongues. they would rather doubt, question themselves, assume things, which must be true...think again...ask the situation. her journey is a successful one; she still tries to help others: the good, the bad, and the ugly it's an act of kindness, she talks to everyone still from all walks of life. 
for she does not judge others even as they judge her, she lends an ear where it's needed, she just wants someone to listen, or to lend her ear to listen to someone, or to lend a helping hand in their time of need, that's not what others see, they see you with someone, somewhere, they don't see eye to eye with so, they assume and accuse she must be a failure... saw her or what they thought was a bad situation when all she's been doing is lending an ear or a helping hand to someone in their time of need. someone somewhere could always use a hand when someone is down on their luck in all walks of life whether they are one of the good, the bad, or the ugly. she sees good in every heart. 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

Never assume the worst when it is nothing but hear say, it can really hurt someone within, it can break their heart words do hurt but so does false accusations, and rumors. Put yourself in their shoes 

Humanity's Fire

Long ago man started a fire,

it was small, tiny, on the brink,

but it kept burning, smoldering,

until it found new sources to grow.

 

It grew slowly, consuming more,

exponentially larger, grander,

man marveled at its creation,

that could destroy so much. 

 

It begins to consume man,

and man begins to fight it,

Frantically, full of panic, 

piling water onto it.

 

But so many men love the fire,

they deny its hand in consuming others,

that it is a myth so others will smother out

their greatest invention that gives them so much

 

power.

 

For those who can direct the fire care not,

whether it consumes an ant or an aunt,

because it gives them control over all,

those who fight it are condemned.

 

The condemned have outgrown the not,

but fire is a mighty foe that has grown vast,

it unlocks now for itself more raw material,

the extinction of many species trivialized. 

 

Mass extinction by fire. 

 

Will the new stewards halt the progress?

Or is too much consumed that now

the smoke and soot will bury them?

Slowly, the condemned become the saviors. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A quick write. It's a bit on the nose but whatever. 

The inner maelstrom

The inner maelstrom

By jfarrell

 

My exterior:

Calm, relaxed; my eyes dart around everywhere,

But only a certain type of person looks for that;

Recognises what it is;

Most people miss it; and the slight tremor;

They just see calm, relaxed.

 

My interior:

Jumping to giddying heights,

Plummeting to treacherous self-pity;

Burning; freezing;

Wanting to cut your throat,

But wanting hide all feeling, thought of cutting your throat;

Battering your body;

Soaking you in petrol and dropping the match;

Bad jim, can’t feel that

Where’s the knife, the sharp one

Gotta cut, gotta pay, bad thought, gotta pay for that

No, don’t cut you, cut them, they the ones make you hurt

No, no, hide, cut me, I’m here, it’s my fault

I was bad

Hate this fear, this hate, this self pity this never ending

 

My exterior:

Calm, relaxed;

My smile breaks as I ask

“do you want fries with that, sir?”

I hope I don’t work at your favourite burger bar;

You’ll never know what’s going on behind that smile.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

madness, i say, madness, lock your doors -a storm's a coming

Impotent Rage

Impotent Rage

By jfarrell

 

What am I going to do?

This thug, twice my height, twice my width;

Says “One more word, and I gonna knock your teeth out!”

And I haven’t said anything.

 

When they stopped my ESA and housing benefit,

I jumped through all the hoops they told me to;

Went to college, quickly got paid employment

I know I still need more hours.

 

When they stopped my benefit I was £30 in rent arrears;

Now they say it’s all sorted out anew, I’m £777 in arrears;

Yes, I had a breakdown,

Yes, I was on benefits.

 

I didn’t actually let a kid break his ankles, when I was last working;

Because it nearly happened, coz I was ill;

I got the hell out.

I left my job, lost my home, was ill!

 

What am I going to do?

Shafted, how else would you see it?

Torn between murderous rage and cut my own wrists depression;

I hate impotent rage - and they tell me, that’s a choice too.

 

The doing nothing about it part;

Give in to your rage and righteous anger.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yep, slightly peed off

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I wish meditation works

I wish meditation works

By JFarrell

 

Trust me,

Today I so wish mindfulness meditation actually works;

Let my thoughts come and go

Without judgement

Without holding on,

Without clinging to them.

 

Every thought, every breath screams

“Need alcohol!”

Waking to my cats vomiting;

Four days waiting on a so-called friend,

To get in touch with me,

After spending time I haven’t got

Doing him a favour.

 

Just wish,

I could close my eyes,

Take a deep breath

And let it out.

 

Especially the anger,

The nuclear rage I am feeling.

I’ve tried,

But, every thought, every breath

Just feeds the nuclear reaction.

And I know there is more to mindfulness,

But thinking, without judgement is central

To how it works,

And I can’t achieve that.

 

If it wasn’t for my love’s smile,

Engraved upon my heart, my mind,

I would be totally lost at sea.

She is my anchor,

My salvation.

You know who you are,

I love you, absolutely.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i hope mindfulness meditation works for you

Twilight

Twilight town
A black gown
Gray eyes with a blue sky but a slight frown
Brown hair. Greasy as if colored by a crayon

The crown fell down. It can’t be found.
A loss of hope
A tree with a rope
But you can’t cope with the hate.

Feelings have been raped. You’re without a mate
In your own zone like a closed gate.
This is fate.
April 17th. That’s the date

Woke up to a new reality.
Embracing my own mortality
Entirely broken. A fatality
Feeling like a monstrosity

Two halves. A duality
Walking away so elegantly
Hurt critically spiritually
An anal personality

Asshole.
Teaching myself individuality
Originality without formality.
Totally alone. Abnormality


Theoretically evil cause I don’t show hospitality
I treat everyone compassionately
But I despise them. Want to beat them constantly
Brutality. Fuck it.. I can’t stop my profanity

I don’t have a functional family.
I have a screwed up mentality
Skinny. Get thrown down by authority
Barbarity. Act like I’m a misanthropist.

I hardly get any rest. Too skinny that I can’t use my fist.
Instead I sit in my nest. But I need to fly to beat the rest.
Hit or miss. I never had a first kiss. Instead I was hit and dissed.
Cause I’m pissed. My life is shrouded by a thick mist.

I don’t know what lies in front of me
But as far as I can see. I control my own destiny
Nothing ever seemed to work out for me
I have so much insecurity.

But I’m going to be what I set out to be
I’m going to be the best I can be

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Picked to Pieces

Folder: 
Dark

The coating underneath

Eats away at surface cracks

You peel layers of me

As if I'm scabby flesh 

 

We work on me

Like we're dissecting the abnormal

Pushing and pulling 

Vulnerability grows

 

Haunting trails of voices

Linger in the open world

Soon growing hands

Upon my neck to grasp

 

Eyes too tired to be vibrant 

You've given me a sorrowful glow

Dark truths, a halo for my head

Misery flaunts an awful tone

Fury

Faint at first the drums beat, then louder. 
I have been unchained, unleashed. 
My cell has been opened. 
  
I feel the rhythm beating within my chamber. 
The furnace glows red and blood like steel boils. 
Burning veins from within . 
  
Outside vultures. 
Circling, dancing in the sky on tattered wings. 
Spitting venom. 
Their shadows block out the Sun. 
   
In darkness I stand alone. 
The drums beat their monotone    
  
The flame burns violently. 
Fed by pain, my inferno. 
It’s heat burns the darkness away. 
Pain retreats. 
  
 I surrender myself. 
With hatred engulfed I roam, 
Incinerating the beasts, ripping out their tongues. 
  
And when the fires subside, 
I look back at glowing cinders and ash. 
  
I flee, from myself, I return bound to Tartarus, 
Alone . 
  
Until the drums beat their monotone. 

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Vampire Weekend

Folder: 
Dark

Animal instincts kick in

Preying in the night begins

No beat to a drum dwelling within

Only raging needs, wild in sin

The need to feed tonight

 

Endangered kind making a change

Consuming handfuls with no shame

These teeth and claws have no range

The need to feed tonight

 

Glowing eyes see the coming dawn

Once a lively town vanished, gone

The need to feed tonight

 

Hidden until the moment is right

The need to feed tonight