sorrow

They call me "It"

They call me it,

I have no name,

I am only five,

My existence fuels their shame.

When company comes,

In the basement I hide.

My father must maintain,

His honor...his pride.

One day I couldn't stay,

I really had to pee,

This was also the day,

father started to beat me.

The company looked at me,

but their eyes held disdain,

Such a dirty "it" as I?

We belong in the rain.

Father smiled at their jokes,

said I'd been playing in mud.

Did they recognize his crazed look?

Or his eyes shot with blood?

Right then I feared father,

though i can not explain why,

I hid inside the bathroom,

suddenly afraid I would die.

I heard the company leave,

the closing of the door.

Heard Father shout "IT!",

But i cowered on the floor.

He burst in the bathroom ,

i gave a frightened shout.

He slapped me hard across the face,

when i tried to get out.

I curled in a ball,

while he beat me with his fists,

I was covered in blood,

from the force of his hits.

     It was an hour before,

     Mother could pull him away,

     I still remember their groaning noises,

     right until this very day.

 He calls me it,

I have no name,

I am only ten,

my existence fuels his game.

For the past three days,

I have sat and cried,

My mother killed herself,

she left me...died.

One day i heard a door slam,

Father was back from his drinking spree,

That was also the day,

father started raping me.

He walked into the room,

then he told me it was okay even dried my eyes,

I could barely speak,

nor hide my evident surprise.

The look in his eyes held no love,

yet no look of disgust,

Only a look of hatred,

and a demonic lust.

Leaning in close,

the corner of my mouth he kissed.

All my protests of how wrong this was,

he eagerly dismissed.

Then Father did things,

no man should do to a child of ten,

From that day I swore,

i would never be taken advantage of again

But my father,

He would still come every night.

And beat me...

until i couldn't put up much of a fight.

I can only bite my lip,

bide my time,

And hope one day,

that revenge will be mine.

 He calls me it,

I have no name.

I am only thirteen,

my existence remains the same.

My stomach aches,

it also grows,

Each day it continues,

it never slows.

I keep throwing up,

I cannot eat,

I have swollen ankles,

and aching feet.

One day a lady walked up,

and knocked on the door,

she told me i didn't

have to stay there anymore.

I opened the door and shouted,

tempted to give her a hug or a kiss maybe.

She gasped at the sight,

of my belly fattened with a baby.

I told her we must go,

before Father comes home,

because then he would never,

EVER leave me alone.

I had my baby,

but I sent her away.

to a family with a woman,

who would allow her to stay.

Before giving her up,

I made one request,

that she be treated like a child,

not an unwanted guest.

Before they called me it,

they gave me no name.

I'm 16 but was born at home,

and no longer a victim of father's game.

Now out of my fathers clutches,

I have gained identity,

You may not call me it.

But you may call me....Free 

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Goodbye Poem

Goodbye Poem

by charliseptember

I still remember that night; your smile caught my eye. 

We spent the night sharing thoughts and staring up at the sky.
I wish I could go back and re-live that night,
And have that one first kiss that still floods my mind. 

Endless days of laughter; free kids, free minds.
Skating down the street ’til the dead of the night.
High and blind; not a worry inside.
Then in the blink of an eye, you said ‘Goodbye’.

I tried all I could to keep you out of my head.
Heavy heart, sleepless nights in an empty bed.
‘Numb-out!’ ‘Who cares!’; I struggled everyday.
Try to forget your face but in my mind you stay.  

Unexpected, there you were, back into my life.
It all still felt the same, just like the very first night.
Holding you so tight, I felt it hard to sleep.
Our last dream together – time isn’t to keep. 

Dead leaves filled the city but the sun still shined.
Skating down the street under the clear autumn sky.
Standing on my porch, we share a sorrowed sigh.
Then in the blink of an eye, I said ‘Goodbye’.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

GET AWAY FROM ME.

Folder: 
Pain and Heartache

I hate the sound of your voice

I hate the sight of tears,

I've never hated so much of nothing,

Throughtout my teenage years.

I cannot stand the sight of blood,

It makes me want to cringe,

I cannot stand my body,

Nor my food eating binge.

I hate when I fall in love,

All it brings is pain.

I hate thoughts of you that plague me,

My tears that fall like rain.

WHy can't you simply disappear,

and take your memories,

I promise i will not miss you,

Though you make temperature drop 50 degrees.

Please just go away,

Leave me ALONE!.

I do not want to marry you,

Or live in your broken home.

You smash my heart to pieces,

with that smile on your face,

But even if its facing someone else...

My heart can't help but race...

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My World. (Cynical vs. Hopeful)

I live in a world where you may die if you don't run.

Where even when alone you must trust no one.

In my world each day may hold your doom,

Where life is always terrifying without protection from the womb.

 

I live in a world of beauty that shines like the sun,

Where troubles cannot touch a life until it is done.

In my world love flourishes like a flower in bloom,

Where ideas settle on the tip of your tongue, an.d where greatness looms

 

I live in a world covered in blood and despair,

Children murdering mothers, and vice versa, without a care.

In my world gunshots are the fireworks of everyday,

Where we fear the unknown, and yet we cannot seem to stay away.

 

I live in a world where babies laughter spreads everywhere,

Where peace is the only solution with so much love in the air.

In my world we believe no one tells lies and believe what they say,

Where our world is one of colors not Fifty Shades of Gray.

 

I live in a world where homes are engulfed by flame,

Where a child may die before it can say its own name.

In my world people tell lies and shout out blasphemy,

Where more pain and hunger claim the earth than the eye can see.

 

I live in a world where hope is there and everyone is the same,

Where people have nothing but fun and life is like a game.

In my world the bird hums the chorus, and the wind picks up the melody,

Where nothing bad can hurt me except the stinging of a Honey Bee.

 

THIS IS MY WORLD.

THIS IS MY WORLD.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Facade of a clown

Seems I worry for no reason.. I fall asleep wishing for a change of season.. 

so much for surrounding yourself with "people that care" ..  we all need some fucking fresh air.

 

in matrimony you bled, everything twisted backwards..

you fled, flew away from your mistake..

she hurt you, it's something that can't be erased..

newly wed, lay in bed... with sorrow written all over your face.

 

was I but your placid escape..? like a rope thrown out to sea, for you who was drowning..

age doesn't matter, because who was counting..?

 

my thigh hurts now.. at least it's only my fault, & no one else.

funny how when people hurt you, they blame you for it..

& when you hurt them unintentionally, they still place blame.

either way, it's all the same.

so that's why I alone, will be the one to hurt myself.

you just stay the fuck away.

the damage is already done, no need for you to put me down.. i'm not a silly clown..

your laughter brings disgrace... I want to rip out your teeth... 

everything you've said to me won't be tossed to the side so willingly..

but i'll try to forget.. & let God take care of my revenge. 

 

whatever you've inflicted upon me, will come back to you.. 

you think you're so righteous, so holy.. the one & only...

you think you've crushed me...

silence will be my greatest defense.. a smile will be my shield..

i'll carry a knife, dug within this heart..

& next time you start, i'll dig it right into you.

 

this battle is far beyond our comprehension.. it's between the angels & demons, God & the devil..

so it might not look like i'm doing anything.. but I have both on my side, both defending me.

because he who knows the war runs deeper then words..

deeper then feeling.. deeper then anything you could possibly see..

will be the one winning. 

the angels know what you've done.. they touch my hand, to re-assure me of their loyalty..

the demons have a chamber for you, down in hell.. you'll be put to work, under a spell..

 

my fragile existence will not crumble..

this crippled mind will not give in... 

you'll be entranced by the spell of eternal misery...

working to pay back the debts you owe, to those whom you've put down..

criticised, judged... beneath that facade, you're the clown.. 

Swimming Eyes

I want to swim in your eyes,

ride each wave,

taste each salty tear. 
I want to be dragged beneath the surface

and witness everything you've ever seen.
What you see as beautiful,

what you see as sorrow,

what you saw yesterday,

what you'll see tomorrow,

I want to be there,

watching from your eyes,

riding each wave,

tasting each salty tear.  

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Scabbed

if I had a scar for every mistake i've made..
I think i'd have as many as you.. 
Satan is impaling his dagger into my throat..
why can't you see that inbetween every breath, I choke..
you spin that thread like some spider in the corner above your bed..
casting webs into thin air.. 
you look so evil while you sit back & stare...
everything around you struggling..
 
your screams echo in the center of my head...
sound waves of pain..
pulling me further into disdain..
from you I try to refrain...
I swear every single day is just another suicide..
all you've got is filthy money on your mind..
 
if I could, I would wipe you out..
never to see the grey of another fucking New Jersey day..
would you finally be happy?
stop saying "it'll always be this way"..
cause fuck you i'm going to get out of here no matter what I have to do.
I've grown tired of the constant debating with you..
just let me do what i'm going to do..
apparently my hands aren't clean anyway, so bloodstains wouldn't make a difference..
it can be washed off, but the memory leaves a permanent stain.
 
inhaling that same toxic air...
how do you ever expect to get anywhere..?
your eyes have grown faint & your laughter means nothing to me..
you're all just bathing in one another's self destructive disease.. 
 
I want so badly to just float in the sky...
I need a real change of tide.. 
I want to climb a purple mountain,
dive off & grow some black angel wings,
man of all the fucking simple things.... 
can I fly to another dimension?
or will this back always be scabbed of the wings you've prevented me...?
robbing me of my potential as I watch everyone else let their's coil down the drain..
damn.. which of us is truly insane?
 
Author's Notes/Comments: 

2.8.13

Deceit

 
 
I thought I at least had her in this forsaken ghetto
Turns out she's been going out with my friend cuz I found a condom below her stilettos
What did I do to deserve this?
I thought our love was a bliss
Now I know she never meant not one kiss
On our past photos I fkn piss
All the wasted time on this bitch
I want to burn on her on a stake like a witch
 I'm tossing and turning in my bed
Repressed memories unleashed in my head
The only thing that can fix this is loaded 40 against my head 
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Don't Call Me Beautiful

Dont Call me Yours...Dont Call me Crazy You Havent Been Around to Know For Sure

Waiting for an excuse to tell me why you never Came I Missed You so Bad I went Insane....dont call me Beautiful Dont Call me Sweet You Havent Even been Around to say dont be so sorry if you and I Know You never were in the first place.. Dont Tell Me You Care Because Obviously you didnt Dont call me Beautiful because inside is rotten...because while i waited our loved expired and this ugliness Expanded.. Ive Never Been So Hurt And Abandoned.... Dont Call me nice...Im Cruel now...The Old Me Is Dead and You were the one Who Dug the Knife In....Dont call me Beautiful....I Agree with William Control..im A Beautiful LOSER And Death will take Its Toll so as the hour glass Drops its last few grains of sand...I Weep because I Once Had The Heart To Let You In... Dont Call Me.... Dont Tell me Im Beautiful.... Dont Tell Me you Miss Me...Because by the look on your face....Im Just Ugly... so please dont Sympathize me... -Sincerely,Your Dead Horror Queen