Infatuation

Death of Infatuation

Folder: 
Light and Dark

I've never seen an angel bleed

Till I stood with knife in hand

I've never seen a devil cry

Till I looked once through it's eyes

 

You were my drug

Long before I acclimated

Long before withdrawal

I needed you to survive

 

I can feel your eyes on my back

Can't you hear me?

I'm silent on the outside

But screaming on the inside

I'm soul-lost

I can't find who I am anymore

 

Maybe I'll be fine

Perhaps I will survive

But I just don't know if

I can outlast your memory

 

If I lose myself in drugs and dreams

Or fly away to places and things

To fill the gap you left behind

Consuming body, soul, and mind

 

But there is no need

To conjure dreams

When life comes

In such radiant colors

 

They say Pandora is to blame

Her curiosity brought us pain

And fear of darkness in the night

But there was hope in candle-light

 

From the dark, a light will shine

Before the day, the night has gone

And now we know it burns so fine

That is why it's called, breaking dawn.

 

And maybe, just maybe

That which dies gives birth to something new

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Needs a better title

Letting The Bird Out

Folder: 
Poems.

Willing at the start

We believed we were ready

But the insecurities came flooding in

 

Like a bird let out of it's cage

Flying high, soaring low

Damage was being done and I didn't know

 

Feelings were felt

Confused and without direction

Unrewarding activities occurred

 

Awkward the days became

Further pushed away

All intuition was lost at sea

 

When it was new

It was exciting

But there wasn't worth to be found

 

Freedom was dangerous

When abused,

You could lose all

 

The unexplored will remain a mystery

Acceptance of that is the key

Holding On

Realizing that dreaming has been better than reality, mainly because I have been thinking, and thinking tends to get me into trouble. I spoke my mind, and did I say too much? I think I said too much. I wish I could take it all back, but then I think to myself that maybe it was for the better. I think that was the end of it, but I still find myself waiting to hear from you. I don't care what it is that you have to say, I just want to see your name on my screen. I just want to know that I crossed your mind enough that you took the time to talk to me, regardless of the context. Say goodbye if you please, I asked for it anyway. But am I naive to think that we live in a world where people care to give closure? Everyone wants it, but it doesn't seem like anyone provides it.

 

I feel deeply. I feel too fast, more than I should, more than I ever plan to. I can't help that, but I wish I could cushion the pain especially when I feel like I shouldn't be hurting. I feel like an idiot for seeing this coming, for ignoring the signs. I looked at you through rose-colored glasses, and those red flags just looked like flags, at least I told myself so. You were so convincing, so enticing. I wanted to not care about your intentions, I just wanted to feel you. Then I found myself unsure of what to do with what I was feeling. I didn't know who to talk to about it. I thought if I just expressed myself to you that we could work through it. Then I realized we weren't at that point. Poor judgement. But then I keep coming back to wondering if it was for the best anyways. I keep ignoring that thought, I don't want to make any decisions on it just in case you have something more to say to me.

 

We could've been great, we both believed that at least. I think we moved too fast. Maybe we ruined what could've been by not giving it a chance. That is why I am holding on, holding on to what could still be, if there is even a chance for that left.

Nostalgia

Folder: 
Poems.

Finding myself longing for the past,

That fleeting moment I was with you,

The scent of your cologne,

And your sheltered embrace.

Finding myself desiring contact,

To reach out and call you mine,

Not knowing what happened,

Finding myself far away.

The words you spoke,

The manner in which you made me feel,

I yearn for your presence,

Just once more.

Dreaming about us,

Never wishing to wake up,

It's the only place we can meet,

Anticipating our next encounter.

Discouraged is how I feel,

Upon waking up,

Finding I hadn't dreamt of you,

Taking a moment to remember our last.

Coping without you,

Something I didn't imagine I'd have to do,

Our meeting was brief,

But there's an imprint left from you.

Milking the past,

To nurture the present,

It's how I get by,

Without your essence.

Dreaming of You

anticipate going to sleep at night,

Hoping that I'll dream of you.

I hope to seeing your face,

Your voice, serenading.

In waking life you are absent,

But our lips met in my sleep.

Our bodies danced together,

In a familiar room.

It was in that moment,

I felt at home with you.


The Essence Of You

Folder: 
Poems.

Excited, I was open to you

I was close to letting go

Stepping back, taking time to feel

I was close to letting go

You were beautiful

Honest, forward, and in control

Qualities of myself shoved away

I was connecting with you

You were bringing out a new me

I was close to letting go

Attachment, I still seemed to form

And too fast than I wished to learn

Darkness was seeping out of me

Not sure what went wrong

So I left, hanging in the balance

The story of what we could be

Though your essence is still with me

Enchanting, the thought of you

Continues to be

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Fixated On You

Folder: 
Poems.

I can't seem to stop thinking about you,

It's like I am back in highschool

 

I daydream of us being together

But I have a boyfriend I plan to love forever

 

My heart and my head are fighting,

I'm having such trouble deciding

 

I have no one to talk to about this,

None other than this pencil and paper

 

I don't know what answers I need,

But I hope to find them soon

 

I feel a a little lost in my relationship,

Wondering how my mind can be so fixated on you

 

I feel guilty,

Because you make me happy,

 

I don't want these feelings for you to go away,

But I'm afraid they may lead me astray

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written March 3rd, 2017

 

We have since then opened the doors to our relationship after we discovered we were both feeling these kinds of feelings. The start of a new journey.

Better Than My Dreams

Folder: 
Poems.

I say goodnight,

but how can I go to sleep

when the mere thought of being with you

is way better than my dreams?

Me and you, the unexpected.

Me and you, the profoundly reflected.

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Like A Matrix

Folder: 
Poems.

Beautiful,

Is what this could be.

Beautiful,

You and me.

Simple but complex,

Each other's mind are,

Like a matrix.

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