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friends for a while (with German/Germanic, Indo-European roots, Sanskrit, Old French, an unknown origin, and Latin influence)

the summer heat was

transforming, enveloping,

their truest nature

friends is friends, tells Cook

enemies unforgiving—

I cry for you Argentina

hectic planet’s southern corner

land of passion, crazy arena

aforetime our bonds were stronger.

No longer yours, you never mine

our lives belonged together once

I used to taste your scarlet wine,

your gorgeous girls, your charming dance.

The friends from ages, forgotten stories

so much privation, my heart is sore

my aging parents, the elder brothers

your call is clear I shall wait no more.

Exultant hugs, reunion is great

my parent’s sanctuary regaining life

but there is an end, a settled date

cruel farewell that sticks its knife.

I’ve seen those humid agates before

I've heard how silence can drown the wail

hair-raising feeling on every pore

they'll stand upright, I will be frail.

Oh, childhood playground! my old-time shelter

long time impeded of children laughing

no words no tears, this way is better

my love, my kids, my home are waiting.

What is the purpose of beauty without creatures to charm?

How can the moon awake passions without the black sky of the night?

Where would swallows be going without a winter making them fly?

Why are you afraid of the darkness if you experienced the light?

We are born in pain, because it is pain what proves us alive.

We must master the fall before we learn how to walk.

We can only accomplish success if we experienced the fail.

You are worried, I see, use this friend’s ear, let’s talk.

I hope you believe me, my friend, your worries will pass.

You will endure the pain, you will soon understand.

It can’t be always the same, it can’t be back as it was.

But your night will be over, making place to a brighter dawn.

The phoenix has risen from ashes infinite times.

The flood of punishment passed for resurgence of life.

Our ancestors strove struggles to bequeath us  some peace.

You can make the future brighter. Stand up! Do not abdicate!

My first time drunk

By jfarrell

I was 16 and it was the first, and worst, party I’d been to

“Bring a bottle”

4 turned up; 2 brought bottles of whiskey; 0 drinks whiskey.

Well, I’m buggered if I’m wasting ten quid.

A minute ago I was teetotal,

Now, I’m a whisky drinker.

For four hours, the four of us

Sang along and headbanged to “Yellow Submarine”

Whilst I drank the whiskey.

As I drained the last I exclaimed

“Damn! 2 bottles of whiskey. Can I take my drink or what?”

Then collapsed on the floor.

Awake, but unable to move or speak

Just hope nothing bad happens

Now, that’s getting paralytically drunk, for real.

Scared I might vomit,

My ‘friends’ put me in the garden, for fresh air

And forgot about me.

Some hours later

Someone sees a body dumped in the garden

And all sigh in relief, it’s just me.

You’d think there’d be something to learn from that;

Some lesson about the folly of drinking.

But, I was a drunk, long before I discovered alcohol.

Verse 1:

All the lights and sounds

That I’ve been chasing

A blue sky appears in the distance.

Remembering our times then:

We crashed, joked, and smiled

Chorus:

As long as we’re faithful,

We can turn today

Into another memory.

We can find our way back to paradise.

Verse 2:

Have you forgotten how to cry?

You’re my piano star?

That guiding light:

Will you enter?

Bridge:

Yet, the memory’s not enough.

I still cannot get you out.

Get you out of my mind.

Yeah, those were good times.

Last-Chorus:

Live without doubts

Our hearts are

Eternally set in the afterglow.

Let it shine

Shine a light towards us.

You decide… please leave a comment

By jfarrell

I will be 50 in 2 weeks (23 december);

Should I have a party? Celebrate?

Cast your votes now please.

And not a joke….

My ‘friend’, I asked, I gonna have party will you come?…

Desparately…

“yeah, I’ll happilly come to your party, I’m your best friend….

But don’t be negative, at your party.”….

He’s the one calling people names,…

But I’m the negative one?

Party cancelled.

But life,

Prospects, dreams have changed since then;

So very few weeks ago.

It used to be said ‘life begins at 40’;

Is 50 the new 40?

I’ve spent 20 years overdosing, hanging cutting my coward wrists

To not be here for 50!

It’s clear I’m incapable of decision…

So like Big Brother….

You decide, cast your votes…

50^th birthday party?

Yes or no?

Please leave a comment

As the days and nights go by, I see through the window where

my days go by. I see a new future for me, but somehow I am blocked from the
window being open and my spirit going Free. Somehow my arms are not “strong” enough
to open the window.
I know that I will eventually get there; but at the moment I am unsure.
The last time I wrote a “My Thoughts” Essay; I was then questioning my friends,
life, and religion which was about 17 years ago. Today I question “myself” on
“who am I?”
I have been for several years now and yet my answers have been unknown.
I still wonder on who I am to be honest. On what is my purpose in life &
society; etc. But I have yet to figure that one out.
I question those around me, through me, beyond me, and those next to me.
I question that both in front and behind me as well as beneath and above.
Where ever I look; I see the unknown which consists of many empty hallways with
no doors beyond that of which is behind me.
I walk down the never ending walls; but I see no light at the end, but also no
light behind me.
If I do see a door; I open it and all I see is emptiness. I close the door and
the hallway I once stood becomes a different hallway I don’t recognize.
Each hallway I re-enter is different. And again I start questioning about Life,
Friends, Happiness, and Religion.
I know who my friends are and I know they care a lot about me as I do with
them; but there are times I feel emptiness and I don’t do enough credit to go
out and be with them. Mostly because I work almost seven days a week and I miss
out on many many things with them and beyond both jobs.
I worry that I have been sinking into the rabbit hole a little too fast but at
the same time I take two steps forward with three steps back.
And when I see I am taking three steps forward, it feels like I double in steps
at times.

I miss my old self. But due to both jobs, it is hard to see myself enjoy life.
All I do is move forward too fast and not wait and take a breather. But when I
do, it is only for a few minutes and then I go back to the same routine. *sigh*

As I continue to write about my thoughts....

I can never understand why people talk to one another and then rumors spread to
the point where others talk behind ones back. I thought it be a secret, but I
was wrong!!
A friend that I trust told me someone talks behind your back and then it hit me
right away who. And a day it made me think while I was working on why would
that person tell another on how a certain topic is what is considered hitting
on them. No, I was just having a random conversation, but this person thinks otherwise...
This person thinks he/she knows me; but this person has no idea what I am
really going through. This person does not know my inner thoughts; but prayers,
my “what if’s”, etc. Only knows what I have told that person.
Yea, stupid of me to share much of my information; but I tend to do that to
many people and always feel back stabbed when others find out.
I doubt this people knows all of my other crushes which I don’t tell others
about because it is a “need to know” basis which is why I do not want to ruin
many many friendships in the process. But since I already know their answers;
it is best for me to keep those secrets deep within myself and to keep quiet.
It is for the best and for others not to know.
This is why we all have secrets hidden in our day to day basis. Just like “The
Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. We all have those secrets.
Some want to become super heroes; while others want to be a simple Joe. Maybe we
don’t want to be that that we want to become, but that who we wish to be even
if it takes decades to get there.
Life is not as easy as one thinks it is; but many take short cuts to get there
even if they are considered the “best”, while nice ones are left at the end of
the line or chosen last. We are hardly ever given second chances and when we
do; we are cut. Yet those that are finished “First”, are only given a slap on
the wrist and are usually asked not to do it again.
Life I know works in mysterious ways; but at the same time, life is unfair too.
Every day I question myself, but I also question my friends, myself, my
surroundings, even if we live in the Matrix. Do we really or is it just a
figment of one’s imagination?
Also to this day, I still wonder if anyone has had a crush on me because I know
many have thought that both I was weird and some even today still think I am
weird anyways. (Even if I am, but you get the picture). I have been told many
times that I will find someone “soon”, but define the word, “soon”? That could
lead to different levels in everyday life as in a week, month, years, or even
decades. I am starting to lose hope to be honest. This makes me go deeper into
being alone, solitude and staying home all day or even working even more.
I never had that opportunity of hanging out with friends many times. And if I
did, it was always “them” being the ones to pick. If I had to pick, they didn’t
like it and suggest something different. I know these times happened fourteen
years ago; but at times it still happens because is why when I
“travel/site-see”, I rather travel alone then with others. If I do “tag” along,
I usually stay quiet.
Of course, I don’t deny about the fun times that I do have with those that I
trust and am friends with; but at times I feel like a third wheel sometimes.

I also don’t understand why people are constantly calling out or late to jobs,
meet ups, etc. I at times I understand if you forgot your alarm clock or if
there is traffic; but constantly should not be “excused”. When you are out on
your own and need to pay bills, pay rent, etc; one needs to be a responsible
adult and “grow up”; but I feel some take the easy road and do not become
responsible “enough” to life, work, etc. Sorry, but getting drunk constantly is
not what being an adult is all about. I know I have become an “old man” as to
what some friends say, but I pay all my bills on time, I am always at work on
time, and I hardly call out. Yet these people only get a “slap” on the wrist
and those are indeed on time, they get fired or written up. I know, Life ain’t
fair!

Why I never understood is why those that cheat the system only get slapped on
the wrist while those that follow the rules by the book are either written up
or fired? As it is said, “the good ones always finish last”.  This is what I feel at times. I understand I
am “weird”, as many see me that way. I won’t deny it; but at the same time,
some will not listen to me if I ask them to do something. As if I am brushed
off the shoulder or transparent.
I know, life ain’t fair; but at the same time; those don’t make life easy
either for others.
I always see that if a team player calls out, the team loses at the end of the
day and the team may become weak as well. But if the team is at full strength
and they win the game.

All this may be all mumble-jumble, but I write as what comes out of my mind and
onto paper.

And as my mind continues to talk as I stress almost each day... I continue to
think many many questions about my life, my family, my friends, both my jobs,
and most of all.. My future spouse if I ever wonder if I will have one. I know
I stress and think too much about it; but I feel that at times I will be
“forever alone”. From which this has led to my loneliness thoughts, depression,
etc. I know I should be positive about it; but sadly I do not. Which is also
why I have no “outside” life or social life since I work too much.
Back when I was in New Jersey, I sort of had more control, but not as much
really... I met with only a few and even they had busy lives; so in reality, I
hardly ever went out to begin with (as I have mentioned it above before
already). My social life is zilch. Yes, I do have an online social life and I
have met with several friends from work outside of work; but beyond that, I do
not have no outside friends since I have moved to Texas (excluding those that I
met via my past). Because sometimes I do not even know where to start. Don’t
get me wrong, I do, but I am not a bar type of person, I’m too old for clubs
(yes, I am too old in my own eyes); and my “so-called” pick-up lines are
horrible since I am sure every women has heard them before.
I know people should just say, “Hello, I am....”, but I am not brave enough for
that.
Yes, I am nearing Forty, and I am both shy & a coward to women. I understand
it is not something to be proud of, which I am, but I have come to see it
several times.
People always wondered on why I am still unmarried to this day since I flirt
all the time with customers (for good customer service; and I am not denying that
either) , and have liked countless of women in my life, and I cannot seem to
last more than three years with relations; but honestly, I am scared to go
beyond. :-/ Because I am not able to fulfill my destiny and I throw back myself
into looking desperate and that is when women think I am a weird/creepy guy.
And I have come to accept it at times, sadly.
Unsure what I am doing wrong too. People have told me I should change the way I
act, think, present myself, how I dress or even get a new haircut. But that is
not me or who I am. I am just a simple “joe” at times. I am Me... or where I have
placed it in another way, “I am who I am and therefore I am”.
As a ride at one of my jobs, there is a plaque that reads, “You are more
powerfull then you will ever imagine!” (yes, I know “powerful” is misspelled).
I wish that was true at times because then I hope that for a better &
brighter “Me”.

I am sure one day I will be able to find many answers to the following
questions: “Who am I?”, “Why I am here?”, “What do you see?”. But for now, I
hope someone can hear my thoughts & prayers other than God himself when I
try to talk to him (I know he is always listening; but at times I feel ignored
because I know millions are always asking for thousands of question throughout
the entire day 24/7/365.
So as I lay on my bed, in my car, at my jobs’ breaks, I wonder what Life lies
beyond the rim, the stars, the galaxy, life in general and I will wonder what
my next chapter in life, careers, etc are tomorrow and the next day as I embrace life to the
fullest and dream in my sleep and looking forward for a new day, each day since
every day is Day One always because I know between Family, Friends, and
Coworkers, I see that “We Built On Each Other” (from Lego Clutch Powers) to
succeed in life!!

All apologies

By jfarrell

(Kurt Cobain, Nirvana - genius band - “what else should I be? All apologies)

I’m not like you; sorry; I so wish I was;

I can’t feel, think, look, act like you;

I can’t be what you want;

I can only be me.

My very humblest apologies.

I can explain precisely, in detail, why;

But, would it matter?

You need me to reflect something of you

But I can only reflect my own emptiness;

I am so very terribly sorry.

Mum; mother; mater; ma; Kathy;

I am so very sorry you carried for nine months;

Hoping for that baby girl you’d always dreamed of;

But, I was born a boy;

Please forgive me, I am so very sorry.

So very lonely.

Silence, like a cancer grows

By jfarrell

(“sounds of silence” by simon and garfunkel, one of the best songs ever written)

You have one of them friends, don’t you?

No particular reason,

But you haven’t spoken to them in ages;

And you don’t have time now.

It could even be a family member;

But, you don’t have time now.

So, more time passes

And you still don’t speak, can’t find the time.

And now, so much time has passed

It feels an insult to speak to them;

It’s been weeks, months….. oh, wow, years;

Getting in touch now, would be a shock.

After all this time, though once so close,

You are now strangers;

Keep talking - now, today.

Don’t let cancerous silence keep you apart.