emotional

No Longer In Pain

Folder: 
Emotional

I am not good with showing how I feel.
No until the pain becomes to real.
The moment my walls come down.
In a flood of tears, I drown.
When sorrow flows in a steady stream.
I no longer know how to dream.

I use to be so well guarded,
That emotion could not be seen on my face, not even a trace.
That I stood tall and strong.
In a world that did me wrong.
I could hold back my hurt,
When people looked down on me as if I was dirt.

When my heart could take, the ache.
Even though it was damaged and tore,
I told myself, I always swore.
That words were all they were and nothing more.
That I could turn my back and ignore their cruelty.
Just turn away,
Just not listen to what they say.

The days grew longer, but the minutes were endless,
And I would look upon the stars at night,
I would ask whoever was listening then,
If it were alright,
If I could give up the fight.
Because I was tired and alone,
An outcast and on my own.

The wall that protected my soul crumbled and crashed,
Turned to ruble fast,
My strong facade was never meant to last.
And so I to fell.
I made no sound, not even a yell.
As if there was anyone who heard when they could never tell,
I was about to crack.

Now. The tears continue to fall,
Wishing I had someone I could call,
Out to.
They don't stop only continue to flow one after another.
One tear, after the other.
Is it because of pain?
Or is it because it comes natural,
Just like the rain.

I can not tell because I have done it for so long.
Crying.
Until I finally gave up trying.
My heart no longer plays its own song,
It doesn't carry the same tune it once had.
Now isn't that sad...
That I let life gets the best of me,
Now I am not who I used to be,

I can no longer see,
A way out of the dark pit,
No opening, no rift.
Just darkness all around.
Capturing everything it surrounds.
No light to shine through,
My life is done, through.

Somehow, I am okay with that.

I am no longer in pain.

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Taken-Away



He took away something I could never get back

The innocence of a child now self esteem is what I lack

I was only 7 or 8 how was I supposed to know?

I never knew someone could do something so low

Thinking back on it now I wondered why did I let him touch me

Was "no" and kicking not enough to get him off me?

I told him "no," mom I told him "no" like you always taught me 

Why didn't he stop mom? I said "NO!" Why couldn't he let me be?

To him I was just a stumpy still tree 

He took away something deep

My mind, some nights I couldn't sleep

But I'm stronger now and more confident in myself

I won't let this guy take my stress or my health

I've never told anyone this and I probably never will

Part of me feels guilty, maybe if I had it would of stopped the chills

But now I'm 21 and I'm starting to see

That NOT everything was taken away from me

I REFUSE to let this man take anymore from me

The innocence of a child is ALL it will ever be.

I am still a Virgin, something I hold on to with all my heart

I plan to be, till the day I walk down the isle with my future sweetheart 

People wonder why I don't like being touched?

They call me prude and judge but I don't nudge

The simplest thing, like holding hands I couldn't even do

And that's all yes, yes because of YOU!

No one knows or truly understands

Why I would never take anyone hand in hand 

People say I come off strong and confident, in my head I say "if you only knew" 

That it was all a facade behind something SO TRUE 

But now I can finally say that this facade has turned to truth

I'm starting to leave everything that happened in my youth.

Someone once told me, "never regret, if it's good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's an experience."

So I'm taking that as a bet

I'm starting to face my past without regret 

Because if it didn't happen I wouldn't have worked up the courage to be up here

Speaking with words that are so sincere.

Richard Bach once said "what the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly" 

My translation is that I'm transitioning to a new beginning and moving on from the past 

Its not the end but a new beginning at last

I like to end things on a good note

So here is one of my favorite quotes 

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I've never had anyone read any of my poems before, this is my first one that I have posted, let me know what you think! This is a poem about me and it is all true.

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The Path of the River

I am bound again, just as they said I was
It's clear and beautiful blue hue becomes forever cloudy
A bird's chirps become distorted by the rain and thunder's cries

I walk alone the path of the river
Alone accompanied by my footprints only
Till the crow comes to bring yet another question
This I can't ignore, for the world will shiver


And the steam shall arise from my next decision
and the never's and forever's again will pour the air
I hope to hold on to whatever is left
The sun can tell another day, to become my true vision






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Enter My Fear

All of the welcoming emotion suddenly dies.
and the darkness shrouds the land in only misery's cries.

 

Enter grief!
A timeless ocean. 
Trapped of despair, trapped without relief
Enter the moon!
Endless racing of the thoughts.
Including you alone, trapped dead inside an empty room

The dead is holding you stiff once more!
Staring into your eyes, never have you felt so gone before

The time comes again, to pit against all that is you
Will you ever find the part of you that is actually true?

Paint the sky bleak
Consider everything we cannot speak

The one painting with the sun I painted as a child is lost.
Reality has broken the barrier, this is the ultimate cost



 

Pressure on the Wound

Put pressure on the wound,
Although it won’t stop bleeding,
Insecurity has a hold around my neck,
As reflexes punch and kick.
Trying to get to the surface of a crowded mind,
Paranoia whispers chaos formed when silent and alone.
Too scared to lose what was always wanted,
Grip so tight it breaks under the demand for an answer.

Submerged in the chemical breakdown,
Six feet underwater, lungs heavy and full,
Sinking below what you once knew was true,
Lost in the anxiety that comes with the withdrawal.

Love is a dangerous drug; intoxicating,
Always leaving you wanting more:
Too much will kill you,
Without it we’d never feel alone.

Walking into a reality that shatters all form of sanctuary,
The ugliness of a lover’s hold that once felt safe,
Leaves a bruise of an embrace turned restraint.
Fear is a cunning manipulator,
Planting seeds that grow the inevitable tumour:
Put pressure on the wound and hope it stops bleeding.

Your White Room

Foetus-like you lay:

Your face exposed,

Pale,

Its skin taut,

Mouth agape,

Distorted;

Your breathing

Echoing

The clock's ticking,

A tiny knife

Its second hand

Slicing,

Slicing you,

Slicing your mind

Into distant pieces;

A White sheet covers you

Withinyoursoundproofroom,

Its window staring out

Into silent cloud,

All outside in

Day's oblivion;

A White cup beside you

Sinks into wall;

Your clothes,

White shirt,

Blue trousers,

Black shoes,

Remain,

Unworn;

Silverwatch and ring, 

Possessions

Unpossessed;

Carers turn you

Over and over,

Your face changes

Over and over

Into different ones,

None are your's,

None are you;

Now you're hidden

Inside me,

A ghost of all you were;

While your bed creaks

The reaper's creeping.

 

 

"Clouds Soar Electric"

Clouds soar electric as light strikes a silent earth,

Raindrops falling with gravitational command.

Through tear stained windows, the meadows prepare a second birth,

The storm's overbearing continuing to expand.

 

Trillions by trillions the drops become oceans,

Replacing with stillness where there was once commotion.

The drowning prairies stare at a gray-scaled horizon,

Looking through the dismal at the god Poseidon.

 

An insideous world's screams are muffled as water becomes a liquid skyscraper.

Muting the powerful roar of the vox populi.

A skyline of lies is shredded like moistened sandpaper,

A horizon of guilt becomes antalkali.

 

Blood becomes scab, scab becomes scar,

Ruins whispering stories of infinite war.

Rains fall with sorrow as the cities disappear,

Ridding the world of sadness and incalculable fear.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about the drowning of a world of war and treachery. Kind of resembles the biblical story of the Great Flood; a new beginning.

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"Haunting Illumination"

Fluorescent time brings night like a forest fire, 
A night bathed in dried ash, vapored smoke. 
My vehicle becomes an aircraft, freefalling from stars, 
Cutting through backroads, hovering above concrete scars. 
  
I race across highways, by rivers reflecting twilight, 
My engine roaring electric, humming, breathing. 
My flight takes me beyond a dangerous path, 
Floating in waters of probabilty, wrath. 
  
I'm blinded with light rays, a haunting illumination, 
Headlights approaching, accelerating, collision. 
Tearing like hollow points, metal ripped metal, 
My breathing stopped, my foot left the pedal. 
  
Seconds passed like moon cycles,  
The stars watching from an airless space.  
My transporter crumbled, leaving the ground, 
My body was floating, in deafening sound. 
  
The lights around me died out, as my vehicle lay still, 
Moonlight encasing a cave of mangled steel. 
Sirens in the distance, jetting alone,  
I could hear Heaven opening, calling me home. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a poem about a car accident I got into in July 2012 that almost took my life.

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To Rachel

Just you and me

You are unhappy

We rock

I fend off your cries 

with an endless refrain,

"Hushabye, don't you cry

go to sleep my little baby"

desperate to comfort you

Finally you succumb to sleep

dreaming your baby dreams

of eating

Now I cry

aching for this consolation

that no one gave me

and hating you

because I love you

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was for my youngest, Rachel.

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