recovery

Life is bigger

Life is bigger

By jfarrell

 

 

(inspired by REM’s “losing my religion”)

 

Life is bigger than me.

Bigger than everything I am;

My hopes, dreams, hurts, pains, disappointments…

Whether I die tonight, or fifty years from now….

Life, the World, and everything in it will continue….

Life is bigger than me.

 

And, yet, somehow,

Whether I die tonight or many years from now….

My life has been as important as that ant you just crushed,

Or that dandelion, blown away on the breeze;

Every happening has a cause and a consequence;

However insignificant, I made a difference.

 

You must realise, life is bigger than you;

I have no children, no legacy, nothing invested;

Most of you do.

At nearly 50, I hope whatever I’m here for I’ve done;

I just wanna go,

There’s no point for me.

 

But there is a point for you - ALL OF YOU!

Your children must inherit a better world;

They’re your children,

Not mine.

I realise life is bigger than me, and I’ve done my part;

Life is bigger than you, realise that.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i lost my religion before i was born :) then opened a bottle of beer and found a new one

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Voices

Voices

By jfarrell

 

 

My first can of beer, or glass of wine,

Speaks to me;

She cries of how lonely she is, “Please don’t leave me all alone,”

And who could refuse such a damsel in distress;

So, with all the dignity of a Knight, preparing for battle,

I bravely open another.

:-)

 

The second can sings to me a sad song,

Full of failures and weaknesses, my failures and weaknesses,

And like George before the dragon I am driven to my knees.

I thrust, I parry, but this dragon is too much.

Then I hear my Siren; she sings to me from the third can,

The Popeye theme tune

:-)

 

And I know what I must do!

Like a can of spinach, I crush the can and catch the geyser;

With each caress of the beer, my clothes rip,

As my muscles grow

And Sir Drunkalot is to the rescue.

:-)

 

The answers may not be at the bottom of the glass….

But I have a hell of a lotta fun checking;

And I love my Sirens, their singing is so beautiful;

Drown, I will, willingly, again and again,

To chase my Sirens to the bottom of the glass.

:-)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

;-)

you all hear the voices too, don;t ya? :)

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Walk in my shoes, then judge me

Walk in my shoes, then judge me

By jfarrell

 

3 months short of my 50th birthday;

My sister, we telephone on birthdays, for 10 minutes;

My last friend, I invited him to my 50th birthday party….

My first ever birthday party; he says…

don’t be so negative at your birthday party…

Guess that party’s cancelled.

 

I have no friends or family;

I work, I sleep, I work more;

I’m not horrible person

I’m not the lowest common denominator,

Though I thought I was , for a long time

 

You see me dancing on the tube;

Lost in me own personal concert;

Madman, weirdo, freak;

If I’m about to be blown up by a bomb,

I’m gonna die dancing

 

What possible right could you have to judge me?

Walk in my shoes for a week…..

None of you could….

That incessant need to talk, gosssip,

Fill the silence with meaningless platitudes

 

Alone!

Silent!

Only myself, the radio and the cats to shout at.

None of you would last one single week.

But, at 49, I’m still here.

Sadder than all of you? Or stronger? Madder?

And what does it or anything matter?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yep, sorry, recovering drunk spewing up everywhere, very sorry for offence caused

Still Standing

Still Standing

By jfarrell

 

For me,

It’s childhood rape and violent child abuse;

For some,

It’s drugs, alcohol, food, stealing;

For some,

It’s cancer, organ failure…

Horrendous stuff I can’t,

And probably, don’t want to imagine.

 

But

WE ARE STILL STANDING, STILL HERE!

Today sucked less than yesterday,

But,

You know what?

It was an improvement;

However unnoticeable, however slight it was.

We are still standing! You, me, all of us.

 

And,

It may be all you have right now!

I know 20 years I tried to kill myself;

And I’m still standing;

Lots of you are like me, despite how alone I feel;

We are all STILL standing, after all this time;

Survive? Stop standing - walk!

One step in any direction, and keep walking.

 

Fuck surviving!

I deserve;

I’ve worked and sacrificed for a life!

Not to survive.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i deserve a life! wife, kids, and donuts! i'm sick of being a survivor, i demand more :-)

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Labels

Labels

By jfarrell

 

I lost mine for a long time,

But labels define us; me, certainly;

Dad, mum, lawyer, thief;

What we do, what we call ourselves, define us.

 

I used to be a nursery officer,

I worked with young children,

For those unfamiliar with the term,

Then I was ill, and had no label for a long time.

 

For 17 years I was nothing, maybe still am;

Waste of space drunk became my label;

Mentally ill, depressed, this abbreviation and that abbreviation;

None of them defined me, just made me feel useless.

 

Now, I’m like a duracell bunny;

Some days I’m a barman; some, a waiter;

And I’m stretching labels in between;

I have a definition, a purpose, after so long.

 

Important labels I don’t have;

Father, husband, friend;

But, I now have a label that gives me definition;

Note to self: THIS IS NOT THE DESTINATION!

IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF THE JOURNEY

 

Thanks all for listening :-)

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

break on through to the other side, break on through, break on through - the doors i think, or i maybe thinking of  wrong song, hehe

Re-Recovery

I no longer yearn for the yearn of another.
Today, nothing has changed but the date of a page.
Tomorrow will be as promising.
A week from now, the universe might invite me out.
I have tried.
I have tried to compose a confident reply,
I have tried.
Perhaps I’ll have extended time.
Perhaps in a fortnight, I’ll reply.
I no longer yearn for the yearn of another.
Today, I’ve witnessed nothing new but the arrival of noon.
Tomorrow will be as fulfilling.
A month from now, the universe might ponder where I’ve been.
I have tried.
I have tried to compose a viable lie,
I have lied.
Perhaps I’ll discover the time to apologize before I die.
Perhaps I’ll discover the time to die.
I no longer yearn for the yearn of another.
I only contemplate the use in having recovered.
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The Inner me

The Inner me

By jfarrell

 

Like Dorian Grey, my face looks normal; nothing remarkable;

My arms and torso, always hidden, would reveal a little;

But I always stay covered, I need to hide those marks of my life;

Like Dorian Gray, the inner, hidden-in-the-attic, portrait;

There my life is captured, and stored, in glorious technicolour.

 

The night I cut my wrists; that first overdose of sleeping pills;

My rape when I was 5; another cut, another pill;

My mum’s infidelity; another cut another pill;

Every violence by my father, everytime I was bullied at school;

Another cut, another pill.

 

On the outside, I am unremarkable, instantly forgettable;

But, my hidden portrait;

One look will haunt you, forever;

It’s very horror would scar you, taint you, forever.

I just wish I had the guts to live as selfishly as Dorian Gray. Sometimes.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i'd very much like to be a different shade of grey please

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Sustainable steps

Sustainable steps

  By jfarrell

 

Agency work is fun

And I am loving how synchronicitous it has been for me;

Having not worked for 17 years,

It’s let me get back into work, a bit at a time;

Sustainable steps.

 

Two shifts this week, three the next;

Two double shifts and a couple singles;

And a fun one tonight,

That’s left me too scared to sleep.

 

Got home from football job very late,

And gotta be at cricket job very early;

I don’t think I will wake up in four hours for work, too knackered;

But, I dare not be late.

 

Really hoping lotsa coffee, bunch of caffeine pills

And caffeine energy drink will “give me wings”

And fly through tomorrow’s 8am til 11pm shift;

“make or break” comes to mind.

 

I’m a 49 year old man who hasn’t worked in 17 years;

Who desperately needs to return to full-time work; with overtime;

ASAP!

I am really hoping this is a sustainable step :)

 

(been with agency 2 months now - love it)

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

cricket - is that the one with a big bat? all sports loook the same to me :)

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Change. Evolve. Or die trying

Change. Evolve. Or die trying

   By jfarrell

 

Waste of space drunk, is sober - yay :-)

Though still a waste of space :-)

The first step is always the hardest :)

And I am sober; see, I can change :-)

 

What can I choose to change? :-)

To drink or not to drink…. :-)

How about my cowardice? :-)

I wanna choose to be a big tough guy :-)

 

I don’t wanna be scared anymore - of everything :-(

The fear I have to change :-(

It is about survival, evolution, change

In this life you have to change

 

Or die trying

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

believe + action - i gotta job offer, holy banananas, someone stupid enough to offer me a job, believe + action, i can do this, i won't suck :)